Having it All (sitcom)

This script was commended in this year's Sitcom Mission, but it wasn't anywhere near as good as it could be. It still isn't, but I've taken some shears to it & here's the first few pages of the rewrite.

It's about a thirty-something woman who's desperate to make it in the cut-throat world of DIY supplies and garden equipment, but doesn't really have what it takes (think e.g. Leslie Knopes in 'Parks & Recreation').

INT. OFFICE. LATE AFTERNOON.

PIPPA is sitting at a desk, talking into the phone.

PIPPA
(aggressively) You're going to have to do better than that. Much better. (pause) What? (pause) No, it's got nothing to do with the quality of the product. To hell with quality, I say. It's price. Pile them high and sell them, um, low. That's our philosophy. Got that? (pause) What? Yes, of course I mean 'cheap'. That's what I said, didn't I? OK then. Call me back when you've come up with a sensible offer. Bye.

PIPPA puts the phone down and scribbles furiously on a pad. The phone starts ringing again. She answers it.

What now? (pause, then in quieter voice) Oh, it's you darling. No, I haven't had a chance to talk to the old... I mean Julia, about what's going to happen when... (pause) Yes. Uh-huh. Right. (pause). Look, it's really great Miley's head's stayed on, but I have work to do, OK? See you later. (puts phone down)

CHRIS wanders in unnoticed by Pippa, just as she is saying 'Miley's head'.

CHRIS
Hi Pippa.

PIPPA
Can I help you Chris?

CHRIS
I wanted to congratulate you.

PIPPA
(suspiciously) Congratulate me?

CHRIS
On clinching that waterproof grouting supply deal with Mattila Group yesterday. It signals a revolution in DIY bathroom renovation. The competition won't know what's hit them. Good work, Pippa.

PIPPA
You're being even more slimy than usual, Chris. What are you up to?

CHRIS
Julia will be pleased about it, that's all I'm thinking. She's been worried about grouting supply issues for some time now.

PIPPA
We're all worried about grouting supply issues, Chris. It's right up there with global warming, saving the Whale and what outfit Lady Gaga will wear next.

CHRIS
Do I detect some lack of interest in the subject?

PIPPA
It's just possible that even you might have noticed that, yes.

CHRIS
Pity. Important subject. The customer's got to get it into his head that if you don't use good quality product at the outset, all kinds of havoc can ensue - tiles coming unstuck, damp getting in, infestation by highly destructive fast-multiplying tropical bugs brought back from foreign parts by unsavoury types on package deals to Thailand. And when I say foreign parts, I mean...

PIPPA
(interrupting) Chris. Shut up and go away!

CHRIS
Your wish is my command. Tell you one thing though.

PIPPA
What?

CHRIS
It's between you and me, isn't it?

PIPPA
What is?

CHRIS
When Julia retires. I mean, let's face it, there's no one else with the talent or the experience to take it on.

PIPPA
Who told you that Julia's retiring? (pause) I mean - is she retiring?

CHRIS
A little bird... Hang on a minute - you know about this, don't you? (Pippa shrugs) Don't act innocent with me, Pippa. You've been talking to Julia.

PIPPA
Yes, of course. About grouting supplies, and other vital issues.

CHRIS
That's not what I meant.

PIPPA
You think Julia might have dropped me a little hint. Is that what's bothering you?

CHRIS
Well, has she?

PIPPA
I couldn't possibly comment. Anyway, it'll all come out in the wash. (pause) May the best woman win, I say.

CHRIS
You're bluffing. (pause) You are bluffing, right? (Pippa just stares him out) OK, I'm out of here. (Chris starts to leave and then stops) Wait a minute - what was that you were saying on the phone about Miley's head staying on?

PIPPA
Anna's got a doll that David thinks looks like Miley Cyrus.

CHRIS
Having trouble coming to terms with redundancy is he? You'll need to keep an eye on him. Dolls that look like Miley Cyrus are just the thin end of the wedge.

PIPPA
He's doing an excellent job at home.

CHRIS
Poor old Dave.

Enter JULIA carrying a sheaf of papers.

I liked it - I might be your target audience! It had a gentle, meandering quality about it and I felt you knew what you were doing.

I therefore have nothing else to say.

'Taken some shears to it for the rewrite' haha lovely pun there.

Not much to go on so far but I was getting a feel to the characters. I envisioned Pippa as a sort of Jen from the IT crowd type? (although maybe not quite so dim) someone who has landed in a career that they don't really know anything about.

Chris is the office sleaze I'm assuming? What else happens in the pilot/series? What sort of themes are you looking to explore? I'm intrigued.

Quote: Rupe @ 1st December 2013, 9:37 PM GMT

T
CHRIS
On clinching that waterproof grouting supply deal with Mattila Group yesterday. It signals a revolution in DIY bathroom renovation. The competition won't know what's hit them. Good work, Pippa.

PIPPA
You're being even more slimy than usual, Chris. What are you up to?

CHRIS
Julia will be pleased about it, that's all I'm thinking. She's been worried about grouting supply issues for some time now.

PIPPA
We're all worried about grouting supply issues, Chris.
CHRIS
Do I detect some lack of interest in the subject?

PIPPA
It's just possible that even you might have noticed that, yes.

CHRIS
When Julia retires. I mean, let's face it, there's no one else with the talent or the experience to take it on.

PIPPA
Who told you that Julia's retiring? (pause) I mean - is she retiring?

View original

Hi Rupe.

I found these lines a bit too exposition-ery. I know that isn't a word. Chris didn't really strike me as particularly slimy - I only got that from Pippa's comment, when really I should be getting it from him.

Also, I think you need a couple more laughs in there. What is the story line for this episode? Have we encountered it yet?

Thanks all.

Interesting point about the apparent meandering and Chris's debatable sliminess. I had it in my head that these two don't like each other, are in competition and deeply suspicious of each other's motives & so the only reason Chris would say anything apparently nice to Pippa would be get something out of her or score points. Problem is, all of that seems to have stayed in my head - which begs the question of how to get it out of my head and onto the page without the whole thing becoming even more expositionery... This was sort of the problem the Sitcom Mission feedback was getting at, so I guess I'm not much further forward.

The idea of the first episode is that both Chris and Pippa think Julia (the boss) is about to retire and that one of them is next in line to succeed her. Julia knows how ambitious both of them are & is quite prepared to play on that & muck them about largely in the interests of amusing herself, which is what happens in the next section.

Rupe

OK. Maybe exaggerate Chris' ridiculous sucking up then? Have him come in with a cup of tea and her favourite biscuits, or have him do something that only she would like..I just think you need to ramp it up a bit. A sitcom character who is out to impress isn't like a normal human being who is out to impress!

As for the retirement thing - why not have them make the retirement discovery at the same time? That moves the drama onto the screen, rather than having them reporting it to each other. We'll be able to see their intense dislike of one another instantly then. Anyway, just a few ideas.

Yeah, I think jennies idea of having them discover apparent retirement plans together really good - could be cruise brochures or something- then we'll see their rivalry rather than be told it.

I have a tendency to put the drastic stuff off - screen and then have the characters come and discuss. This is easier for me as a writer but I imagine far less satisfying for the reader/viewer. I'll try and remember to move the drama on to the screen in future.

A joint discovery of Julia's retirement and - cruise brochures! That's it! Touches of sheer genius. I can see it now - something like:

CHRIS
Have you seen this?

(flourishes gaudy brochure of Norwegian fjords)

PIPPA
I am not going on a cruise with you to see the Norwegian fjords.

CHRIS
Steady on a moment. I never suggested anything of the kind. I found them on Julia's desk.

PIPPA
What were you doing... (etc etc)

Something like that, but better. Thanks Jennie and Ted for developing this promising line of enquiry. I will continue my investigations.

Quote: Jennie @ 1st December 2013, 10:54 PM GMT

Chris didn't really strike me as particularly slimy - I only got that from Pippa's comment, when really I should be getting it from him.

View original

This is right, and just as importantly should Pippa be calling him slimy to his face? You should be more subtle not just in establishing character but in establishing character relationships. Also if these are going to be central characters that relationship needs to be able to evolve into something beyond mutual contempt. If you are going to put casual insults in the script they need to be funny, not just because you need the laugh, but to make them acceptable both to the character insulted and to the audience.