Sketch Comp 22-29.11.13

Thanks for another cool skitcomp and congratulations to JAKOB JENSEN for winning. Please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject for next wank.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Jakob Jensen
3 - 5 - Stephen Goodlad
2 - 1 - Otterfox, Gappy

Your new subject: LUBRICATION chosen by STONKED.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 29.11.13

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Stonked, Playfull, Jakob Jensen
2 - 5 - Sootyj, Stephen Goodlad
3 - 2 - Otterfox
4 - 1 - Gappy, Carlos Manwelly, Charleywolf

I went to find a book about Lubrication.
The librarian suggested I try looking in non friction

THE DAWN OF CIVILISATION. OBVIOUSLY EXTERNAL AND PROBABLY SOMEWHERE IN A FIELD WITH NICE FLOWERS AND TREES, AND A WHITE DOVE SITTING ON A BRANCH WITH A LEAF IN IT'S MOUTH.

Man: I am man

Woman: I am woman

Man: You want f**k?

Woman: Not wet yet

Man: I got lube

I used to drink Tia Maria - then I'd drink Bailey's - then I drank cocktails. In the end I just told my parents I'm gay. Now I can drink as much beer as I like.

[MAN lays down on MASSEUSE's table, face down. She begins giving him light rubs. After a few seconds, whilst rubbing her hands up his back she breathes in exaggeratedly, and breathes out in the same fashion. He follows her example. She breathes deeper still, and he does the same. This cycle continues for a few seconds, and soon he is rasping his breath in and out over-zealously, imitating her. She breaks away from him]

MASSEUSE: That's it! I've had enough.

MAN: Sorry?

MASSEUSE: I can't work with you, that's all. Just...just go.

MAN: Was I not breathing deep enough?

MASSEUSE: Oh yeah, that's right, twist the knife. Not enough to take the piss out of my respiratory condition, is it? You have to keep kicking when I'm down.

MAN: I...I thought you wanted me to breathe like that.

MASSEUSE: I don't want to breathe like it myself, why would I wish it anhyone else? Bbut I can't help it, and you come in here [She breaks down, sobbing and gasping, and sucking on an inhaler]

MAN: Look, I...sorry about all the..err... It was a misunderstanding. Honest.

[MANAGER enters]

MANAGER: Oh dear, has it happened again?

[MASSEUSE nods tearfully]

Oh, dear. [To MAN] I'm so sorry, Sir.

MAN: I didn't mean to make any, err-

MANAGER: No trouble, Sir, we've had this confusion before, she has a wonky suck hole. May I ask whether another masseuse would be suitable?

MAN: No trouble at all.

MANAGER: Excellent; I do appreciate you being so understanding. Ah, here comes Clarice now.

[MASSEUSE leaves & MASSEUSE 2 enters]

MASSEUSE 2: [Lisping] I heard all the shenanigansh. Hash it happened again?

[MANAGER nods]

Shtill, no harm done. Let Shawah get her witsh back, I'll masshage thish cushtomer. How about some lubwicating oilsh, shir? Gewanium and eucalyptuth is vewy thoothing.

MAN: [Grinning evilly, and speaking to himself] Oh, yeth, that will do nithely...

A BIG HOLLYWOOD PORN PRODUCER IS SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM OF HIS MANSION WITH TWO OF HIS BEST SCRIPT WRITERS AND IS DISCUSSING IDEAS FOR A NEW PORN FILM.

FABIO BYRON: Ok guys let's do some pitching. If we are going to compete with the internet we need something genius for our next film project.

VLADIMIR: A woman is lying in her bed and is sleeping and she dreams of having sex with a man. Then the incredible happens that a strange man walks into her bedroom and wakes her up for some sex.

FABIO BYRON: Doesn't that offence normally give you 2-4 years in jail? We are not making a rape film your idiot!

GAVIN: How about this? Two men are knocking on a door to a big house. It's Jehovah witness and they have just knocked on the door to a sexual liberated female collective and this time it's Jehovah witness who have a hell of time getting away... if you know what I mean!

FABIO BYRON: Interesting, very interesting. What ells do you got?

VLADIMIR: A woman is standing in the bathroom and brushes her teeth with a toothbrush then she begins to fantasize about a man from her work and suddenly she uses the toothbrush in her behind.

FABIO BYRON: Eeeeew that's gross. Where do you get these creepy ideas from? Now I can't brush my teeth again without rinsing my toothbrush 10 times first. Your idiot!

VLADIMIR: How about? Gunter Schultze have dialed the wrong number but the woman on the line gets so turned on by his German accent that she invites him to dinner and he has to bring some sausage.

FABIO BYRON: Got potential. I see a comeback for Ron Jeremy with this.

GAVIN: All his life he worked with lubricating drilling machines but one day he loses his job because of the economic crisis and has to live on the street. One day when he is begging for money from a strange lady, she demands sex for the money. In bed he lubricates her like she never was lubricated before. Suddenly the women are standing in line to have sex with him and he becomes rich and famous.

COMPLETE SILENCE IN THE ROOM.

FABIO BYRON WIPES AWAY TEARS FROM HIS CHIN.

FABIO BYRON: Beautiful. Goddamn beautiful. It's going to be porn film of the year. We are talking AVN awards. All the big ones want to be a part of this film.

GAVIN: Evan Stone as the lubricating man and Jesse Jane as the strange lady who discovers his special talent.

FABIO BYRON: We are making porn film history here guys.

INT. GALLERY OF MODERN ART
THE DIRECTOR STANDS AT THE ENTRANCE TO ONE OF THE GALLERIES

DIRECTOR (TO HIMSELF)
Nobody here either. I don't get it.

FX - FOOTFALLS FROM THE CORRIDOR AS SOMEBODY APPROACHES

THE MANAGER OF INSTALLATIONS JOINS THE DIRECTOR

MANAGER
Who's a clever--

DIRECTOR
Damn and blast. What's going on? Absolutely nobody is viewing Tracey Emin's glorious installation.

THE MANAGER WALKS OVER TO AN OVERSIZED CAT LITTER TRAY

MANAGER
Somebody's done a big shit in it. Is that a critique, do you think?

DIRECTOR
What? Outrageous. Remind me to check the CCTV later. Hopefully there'll be some good close-ups. But first we need to find out where the punters have gone.

MANAGER
Well, as I was about --

DIRECTOR
I've just come from Gallery One, where I fully expected to find Damien Hirst's butt-plugged crocodile anuses getting some serious attention. But no. Not a soul in there.

MANAGER (ARTICULATES PRECISELY)
Not arsehole in there?

DIRECTOR
No. Nobody. And it was the same story in all the other galleries. So where are they?

MANAGER
They're watching Sid, the maintenance man.

DIRECTOR
Sid? I thought he was dead. Or am I confusing him with somebody else who got their head stuck in Tracey Emin's magnificent pneumatic vagina?

MANAGER
No, that was Sid. And it was touch and go for a while, but--

DIRECTOR
If he's monkeying around with installations again ...

MANAGER
He readily admits it was his own fault and that he shouldn't have attempted cunnilingus without a crash helmet ...

DIRECTOR
I mean it. If he's--

MANAGER
Now he's joking that it might have turned him a bit gay.

DIRECTOR
Is he indeed? Well, that's as gaybe. But if he's gaying around with things that don't concern him, I'm going to want him in my office and bent over my desk.

MANAGER
Pardon?

DIRECTOR
What?

MANAGER
You said...

DIRECTOR
No I didn't.

MANAGER
OK

DIRECTOR
As I was saying, what's Sid doing that's attracting so much interest?

MANAGER
He's lubricating door hinges.

DIRECTOR
And that's it?

MANAGER
Pretty much. But he's sexing it up quite a bit.

DIRECTOR
How is he sexing up something as mundane as lubricating door hinges?

MANAGER
With a grease gun.

DIRECTOR
It must be a big grease gun.

MANAGER
Oh, it's big.

DIRECTOR
Two handed?

MANAGER
Two handed. With a shoulder rest. And a high-pressure, 300 millimetre, flexible nozzle.

DIRECTOR (TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
That's quite long, isn't it? 300 millimetres?

MANAGER
Twelve inches. And he's naked from the waist up.

DIRECTOR
That's it. I've heard enough. Clearly I've no choice but to subject myself to witnessing this shameless performance first hand. Take the matter firmly in both hands. Man to man. Cheek to jowl. Where can I get my hands on it?

MANAGER
Pardon?

DIRECTOR
Where is he?

MANAGER
In the basement. He's got boxloads of old hinges down there.

DIRECTOR
Carry on.

THE DIRECTOR WALKS OFF AT A MEASURED PACE UNTIL HE ROUNDS A CORNER. HE THEN BREAKS INTO A SPRINT TO THE END OF THE CORRIDOR AND HURLS HIMSELF THROUGH SOME SWING-DOORS, DOWN TWO FLIGHTS OF STAIRS, THROUGH SOME MORE SWING DOORS AND INTO THE CROWDED BASEMENT.

INT. BASEMENT
A RAPT CROWD IS WATCHING A SHIRTLESS SID WHO IS HALFWAY UP A STEP-LADDER, BRANDISHING A TWO-HANDED, SHOULDER-SUPPORTED, FLEXIBLE-NOZZLED GREASE GUN. SID IS SQUIRTING A COPIOUS TRAIL OF VISCOUS GREASE ONTO AN OPEN DOOR HINGE WHICH HAS BEEN SCREWED TO AN UPRIGHT LENGTH OF WOOD.

SID
Ooh YES, you're liking that, aren't you. Take it baby. Take it all. Feel my juice penetrating your inner contours. Now DRAIN me baby, DRAIN me dry.

[MURMURED OOHS AND AAAAHS FROM THE CROWD.]

DIRECTOR (SOFTLY - INTO A HANDSET)
Listen. It's me. I want you to page Sid the maintenance man and tell him that I want him bent over my desk immediately... What? ... No I didn't ... I didn't ... I said in my office, immediately... Absolutely no bending. Got it? Thank you.

FROM THE CORNER OF HIS EYE THE DIRECTOR BECOMES AWARE OF PEOPLE STARING AT HIM. HE TURNS HIS HEAD AND TRACEY EMIN AND DAMIEN HIRST IMMEDIATELY LOOK AWAY, AND STARE OPEN-MOUTHED AT SID.
HE NOTICES THAT THE HEM AT THE BACK OF TRACEY EMIN'S SKIRT IS CAUGHT IN THE TOP OF HER KNICKERS.

DIRECTOR (SILENTLY, TO HIMSELF)
Don't forget - check out the CCTV.

THE DIRECTOR EXITS THE BASEMENT AREA WITH A STEADY GAIT

FX - BING BONG FROM THE TANNOY

THE DIRECTOR STOPS AT THE FOOT OF THE STAIRS AND AWAITS THE ANNOUNCEMENT.

V.O.
Paging Sid the maintenance man. Will Sid the maintenance man please bend over the Director's desk - sorry, not bend over the Director's desk - I mean report to the Director's office - and not bend over his desk - immediately. Thank you.

[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER FROM THE BASEMENT AREA]

THE DIRECTOR ROLLS HIS EYES, SLAPS HIS FOREHEAD AND SIGHS DEEPLY.
HE REACHES INTO HIS JACKET POCKET, BRINGS OUT A PUMP-ACTION BREATH FRESHENER, DIRECTS TWO BURSTS OF ATOMISED MIST INTO HIS OPEN MOUTH, SMACKS HIS LIPS, TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND BOUNDS UP THE STAIRS.

END

Jakob Jensen for me this week

I don't like "contemporary art is crappy" gags as they don't go anywhere for me (esp when your targets are Emin and co, which is roughly the equiavelnt of a political sketch about the major administration), but Stonked still easily wins my vote - plenty of intriguing lines, and a realy vividly imagined scene. I thinkperhaps I liked a lot of the flourishes more than the central sketch, but it was still an easy winner from the Tooth Jury.

Mr. Sunshine. Very clever - and funny.

Carlos Manwelly

I enjoyed Jakob's piece - especially the reference to sausage, which is always good for a laugh - but ultimately it was a toss up between Carlos and Gappy, and Carlos gets it by a whisker, chiefly off the back of his anthropological scholarship.

Stonked.