Sitcom Pilot... PRIVATE DICKS... Part 1

Hi All... I haven't posted for a while - but guess what? I've written a SITCOM PILOT. It nearly killed me. Here is the Intro... thoughts appreciated. If there is enough enthusiasm, I'll post more.. the whole episode is 30 minutes. I hope this format works, I'm pasting from Final Draft... Thanks - Rob.
---------------------------

SCENE 1. EXT. A STREET OFF THE
NORTH CIRCULAR ROAD, LONDON -
DAY

A POLICE SIREN GROWS LOUDER IN
FRONT OF A RUN-DOWN 1950'S -ERA
ROW OF SHOPS - A NO-FRILLS PART
OF TOWN. AN INDIAN TAKE-AWAY
AMONG THE REST OF THE LINE-UP
WHICH MIGHT INCLUDE AN OFF
LICENSE, MINI-CAB OFFICE, NEWS
AGENT ETC.

A VAN IS PARKED OUT FRONT - IT'S
BRIGHTLY PAINTED TO ADVERTISE
"FOSTERS FAMILY CIRCUS -
FEATURING THE FLYING FELLINI
BROTHERS". TWO BORED YOUNG
TEENS, RAJ AND STEVE SIT ASTRIDE
THEIR BIKES SMOKING CIGARETTES

AN UNMARKED POLICE CAR - SIREN
WAILING - SCREECHES TO A HALT.
THE SIREN CEASES AS THE DRIVER'S
DOOR OPENS. DETECTIVE SERGEANT
(D.S) ANDY WRIGHT LEAPS OUT
RUNNING TOWARD THE SHOPS AS IF
HE'S CHASING AN ESCAPING VILLAIN.

DETECTIVE INSPECTOR (D.I.) BARRY
SKINNER SPEAKS TO THE BOYS
THROUGH THE OPEN PASSENGER
WINDOW

D.I.SKINNER
Where d'you nick those bikes then lads?

RAJ
Same place you nicked that tie -
nobody'd buy one like that

STEVE
Yeah, it looks like a fish gone mental.

D.I.SKINNER
Alright, get out of here the both of you.
My partner and I are on urgent police
business.

RAJ
Your "Partner" eh? It's a free country,
init?

MIMES AN IMAGINARY KISS

D.I.SKINNER
You want to watch yourself son.
Anything so much as moves around
here, and we know about it.

AS HE SPEAKS, SKINNER IS
OBLIVIOUS TO A MANGY
DOG WHICH WALKS UP
BEHIND THE POLICE CAR
AND PISSES ON THE REAR
WHEEL.

WRIGHT EMERGES FROM
THE BUILDING. HE CARRIES
TWO BAGS OF INDIAN TAKE
AWAY. HE RESTS ONE BAG
ON THE CAR ROOF WHILE
HE CLIMBS IN, AND
FORGETS HE PUT IT THERE
AS HE CLOSES THE
DRIVER'S DOOR.

STEVE
At least those other detectives are
friendly.

D.I.SKINNER
What other detectives?

RAJ POINTS TO AN OFFICE
WINDOW ABOVE THE
INDIAN TAKE-AWAY. CLOSE
UP OF A SIGN IN THE
WINDOW
" BURKE - PRIVATE
INVESTIGATOR"

BOTH DETECTIVES ERUPT
IN LAUGHTER, OBLIVIOUS
TO A LARGE FLOCK OF
SEAGULLS WHICH LAND
ON THE CAR ROOF AND
START ATTACKING THE
BAG OF FOOD.

D.I.SKINNER
Detectives? Burke and his merry men?
They couldn't detect dog shit in the
park...

D.S.WRIGHT
Well, most responsible dog owners pick it up now
boss.

D.I.SKINNER
(scowls at
WRIGHT and
gestures at the
Circus Van)
You ever thought of running away and
joining the circus D.S. Wright?

D.S.WRIGHT
No way .. I'm scared of clowns.

RAJ
You'd better not look in the mirror then!

D.I.SKINNER
We'll be watching you two. And tell your
pal Burke to leave the real police work to
the professionals. Remember, it's a Dog
eat Dog world lads.
Hit it Wrighty.

WRIGHT TURNS ON THE
SIREN AND SPEEDS AWAY
AS THE BAG SLIDES OFF
THE ROOF AND ONTO THE
GROUND, FOOD
EVERYWHERE . THE MANGY
DOG STRIDES UP AND
STARTS EATING,
SCATTERING THE
SEAGULLS.

STEVE
Dog eat dog? More like Dog eat curry.

RAJ
Probably the same thing knowing my
uncle - that's his take-away.

CUT TO:
SCENE 2. INT. BURKE
INVESTIGATIONS RECEPTION AREA -
DAY

Hi Rob

Firstly well done on managing to complete your first episode and remaining un killed.
I am nearing the end of my first effort and feel your pain.

I quite liked this first scene. Short with snappy dialogue and good imagery to set the scene and tone. Hard to tell with just one short scene, but it felt like it had purpose and you got a feel for the characters. Presumably we are yet to meet the main characters, so would be interested to read the next couple of scenes.
On the negative side..the laughs didn't really work for me and felt forced ..i.e Tie gone mental... I'm afraid of clowns etc just didn't seem very natural. I quite liked the dog eat dog thing but again felt forced as I didn't really see why the copper would have said -" it's a dog eat dog world lads" other than to set up for a joke- This is obviously just my opinion (as we know this is all very subjective). Others may disagree.

If the show is about the private dicks they should be in the first scene.

Marc's right. If it's just a lead-up to the main character, that bit should be much shorter, with Burke appearing - perhaps seen through the window? - in the same scene. The policeman could make his remark about not finding dogshit in a park whilst looking scornfully up at him. That way you can cut the weakest jokes - leaving something on a car roof then driving away is a bit corny - and it'll read a lot better. Then when you cut to Burke's office for scene 2, he could be looking out of the window, saying something scornful about the policemen, which would give a nice continuity. Well written, though, I like the idea.

Something like this.
CUT TO
SCENE 2. INT. BURKE'S OFFICE. DAY.
BURKE IS LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW.
BURKE:
What's the difference between a police car and a hedgehog?
EVERYONE ELSE:
A hedgehog, the pricks are on the outside.
Burke turns, and your action begins.

Great feedback from all.. thank you very much. I posted it not because I think it's a masterpiece..quite the opposite. It's my first attempt, and as I said, it is HARD! I learned a lot though, and the comments are very welcome. I do agree that the gags are a little forced - corny, yes. Next time out I will try to make the humour come out more naturally as part of the "sit" in Sitcom - it's not easy to do, and one thing I come away with is more respect for writers of produced Sitcoms which I don't particularly like.... I understand what they were trying to do, and I have a better sense of what works and what does not. I'll wait for a few more comments, and then I'll post the first scene where we see the protagonist. Thanks again - now I'll go earn my keep and comment on a few other posts.

Not much to add on the script itself, but I liked your response to the comments. With that attitude you will make progress.

Quote: Marc P @ 28th November 2013, 9:18 AM GMT

If the show is about the private dicks they should be in the first scene.

View original

Yes. Get to your main characters and set up. Are the two police officers regular characters? If so, and you want to introduce them, have them actually interact with the private dicks by way of an introduction. If they're not, just ditch this and get to the show.