Quote: sootyj @ 23rd November 2013, 12:51 PM GMTI rather like that, lots of action, lots of funny and very pacy.
Maybe its in at the deep end and the tone stays the same, check how Peepshow does similar stuff. But it accelerates where as yours starts mad and stays mad.
Did like that final punchline old skool but good.
Hi sooty, thanks for taking a look! are you talking about both extracts I posted, and out of interest which punchline did you mean? Thanks!
Just the first havent read the second.
Even the Young Ones built up the madness, otherwise its hard to maintain the excitement.
I like the second version better
This another extract, basically Travis, with Jet's help, pulls off ridiculous pick-up attempts that often eventually backfire (although at the time he thinks he's as smooth as James Bond).
I'm not sure if I'll ever actually use this particular scene but it gives a good idea as to his character.
INT. THE BAGEL SHOP - DAY
It's mid-afternoon and the bagel shop is fairly busy. SARAH and a couple of other waiters/waitresses take orders. She's a very pretty brunette with a kind of world-weary, "seen it all before" disposition.
Peter can be seen sitting in the background. In the foreground, sitting at one of the tables nearest the entrance, is a very classy, highly-strung looking young woman - VANESSA, she's a kind of model/wannabe actress type.
Travis is in the queue.
TRAVIS
(mock joy)
Hi there, Sarah. How lovely it is to see you today.
SARAH
What do you want?
TRAVIS
Well since you asked so nicely I'd like a skinny latte.
SARAH
With whipped cream?
TRAVIS
A skinny latte WITH whipped cream? What's the point in that?
It's like sprinting to McDonalds and then ordering a Big Tasty
with extra fries...
Travis pays and moves towards the other end of the counter to collect his drink. He attempts to make eye contact with Vanessa, but she's engrossed in her magazine.
A few seconds later and Travis receives his drink. As he walks towards the door he "accidentally" unfastens the lid and a bit of coffee froth peppers his shirt.
TRAVIS (CONT'D)
Damn it!
He sets the coffee cup down on the nearest table (Vanessa's) and fumbles around to set the lid back down. She looks up at him.
TRAVIS (CONT'D)
(Smiling)
Hi there.
VANESSA
(Disinterested)
Hi.
Just as Travis finally gets the lid on the front door comes flying open and an excited looking Jet comes running in. He is with an equally excited boy who looks to be about thirteen years of age. Everyone looks up at the commotion. Sarah cringes.
JET
(To the Boy)
Told you it was him! I told you!
BOY
I can't believe it...as if he'd just be in our local cafe!
Travis smiles coyly. Jet moves over and shakes his hand. Vanessa was just getting up to go when all this happened - she watches them curiously.
JET
So great to meet you, Mr. Snow. I'm a big fan. This is my brother, Tom, he loves you as much as I do.
The Boy seems to be awe-struck.
TRAVIS
Always nice to meet some fans. How are you doing today?
JET
We're great!! Would you sign this?
TRAVIS
Course.
Jet hands him a notepad and a pen and Travis graces the page with a rather elaborate looking signature.
Jet takes out a camera from his jacket.
JET
Could we get a picture?
TRAVIS
Sure.
Travis takes the camera and spins round to Vanessa.
TRAVIS (CONT'D)
Sorry to trouble you, but would you mind taking a quick photo of me with these guys?
VANESSA
(More interested now)
Yeah, sure!
Travis positions himself in-between Jet and the boy and they both point at him as he really was some kind of celebrity they've just met. Vanessa takes a couple of photos.
TRAVIS
(Taking the camera back and handing it to Jet)
Thanks.
JET
Thank you so much for the photos, means so much to us.
TRAVIS
No worries, guys, have a good day.
Jet and the boy exit excitedly.
Vanessa is looking at Travis in a new light now. He picks up his coffee
cup and turns to go, now with his back to Vanessa he waits expectantly.
VANESSA
Hey...hang on a second.
Travis turns round.
VANESSA (CONT'D)
Are you a TV actor or something?
TRAVIS
(hamming it up)
Well, I prefer the term thespian. I learnt my art on the stage and at the west end, but yes - eventually, as with most who have a bit of talent, I have gravitated towards the mediums of film and television, so yes I am a TV actor.
VANESSA
Wow, that's what I want to get into. I've been doing modeling at the minute but I can't live off that alone and it's so hard to get auditions in London...
Travis smiles.
TRAVIS
I think you'd make a lovely actress one day. You've got a very open, expressionate face. It'll serve you well.
Travis takes out a business card and hands it to her.
TRAVIS (CONT'D)
How about you take my card and we'll go for a few drinks sometime? I'll tell you all about the tricks of the trade.
VANESSA
Thank you so much.
She goes to leave.
TRAVIS
I look forward to it.
Vanessa turns and flashes him a smile. She exits and heads to the right - as soon as she is out of sight Jet and the boy come running in from the left.
JET
How did it go?
TRAVIS
I feel like Da Vinci did just after he'd finished the Mona Lisa...
JET
Gay?
TRAVIS
No, no, I think that was one of the best yet.
(to the shop in general)
What did you reckon guys? A slice of fried gold?
Sarah shakes her head.
SARAH
Embarrassing, Travis. Pathetic and embarrassing. "A very open, expressionate face"....please...
TRAVIS
Jealousy is a bitch, ey?
SARAH
Oh please. If I wanted a lying slimeball of a boyfriend I'm sure I could find one easy enough.
TRAVIS
You really do ooze charm. Could I use you as a character reference for my CV?
SARAH
What will you do when she finds out that you're not any sort of actor?
TRAVIS
That's a bridge we'll cross when we come to it. Anyway I'm only one big break away from making it.
SARAH
Let's hope the big break is your ankle.
The Boy holds out his hand expectantly. Travis produces a twenty pound note and hands it to him.
TRAVIS (CONT'D)
Thanks for you help.
BOY
I want to be a pick-up artist when I'm older.
TRAVIS
(mocking; nods to Sarah)
No you don't. You want to be an honest gentleman! The sort of man who could pull a boring, uptight bagel chef like our dear Sarah here.
BOY
(Looks at Sarah)
Yeah....right...
Travis and Jet laugh. The three depart and we pan over to Peter, who is in the background. He puts his newspaper down and watches the three disappear with a quizzical expression.
Thinking about it in version 2 of the first scene I'd lose the gimp and the dominatrixes dialogue, its overstating a visual gag
Quote: sootyj @ 23rd November 2013, 1:35 PM GMTThinking about it in version 2 of the first scene I'd lose the gimp and the dominatrixes dialogue, its overstating a visual gag
yeah I don't like that bit now, I find it rather immature I think it would work better just to have Sandra and Peter's bewildered expressions at seeing the pair of them!
Also just checked out your credits and site, would it be alright to email you for some advice on something?
Oh also they're not actually versions of the same scene, the 2nd extract I posted is the opening and then the first one I posted continues on from that.
be my guest yhough I much prefer critiquing in camera so to speak
I quite liked the dominatrix bit for the gimp suit man's line, which jumped out to me as the best in there. Though it would be funnier if he wasn't a gimp, but just a guy in boxer shorts or something. EDIT - just seen that the 1st scene you posted follows on from that part...not sure now because the dominatrix doesn't fit anymore. I do like the 'are you the police?' line though.
Unless she's supposed to be a hate figure, my only word of advice would be to tone down the girlfriend a bit. Or alternatively go the opposite way and make her insanely awful in a funny way - probably best to go down the manipulative route seeing as she's managing to keep hold of a boyfriend.
Otherwise, I thought the counting down was a strong opening (and a weird coincidence because I've also got a 10-0 count down in the first scene of something I just starting writing...) and the characters were clearly marked out, so nice one.
Quote: sglen @ 27th November 2013, 12:46 AM GMTI quite liked the dominatrix bit for the gimp suit man's line, which jumped out to me as the best in there. Though it would be funnier if he wasn't a gimp, but just a guy in boxer shorts or something.
Unless she's supposed to be a hate figure, my only word of advice would be to tone down the girlfriend a bit. Or alternatively go the opposite way and make her insanely awful in a funny way - probably best to go down the manipulative route seeing as she's managing to keep hold of a boyfriend.
Otherwise, I thought the counting down was a strong opening (and a weird coincidence because I've also got a 10-0 count down in the first scene of something I just starting writing...) and the characters were clearly marked out, so nice one.
thanks so much for looking at this too. Sandra, the girlfriend, is the antagonist of the series really. In this pilot she breaks up with Peter and this is why he turns to Jet & Travis for advice with women - however throughout the (proposed) series she constantly pops up to make things awkward for him. However I do agree she might be a little OTT, I am also thinking of changing Peter into more of a wimpy mr. nice guy as opposed to a nervous and neurotic character - or maybe combine the two.