Restaurant Critic Sketch

Int. Restaurant Kitchen

A waiter goes to pick up a plate of food. A chef approaches.

Chef:
No, no, Antoine. This one is for The Times food critic. I will serve it personally.

CUT TO: Int. Restaurant

A fat man in a suit is sat at a table. The chef approaches with a plate of food.

Chef:
Sauteed lambs kidneys in a mustard and dill sauce - my signature dish.

Man:
Looks like weasel vomit. (TAKES A BITE) IT IS WEASEL VOMIT! (SPITS OUT FOOD)

The man starts scribbling in his notepad.

Chef:
Would you like to try the foie gras stuffed spatchcock?

Man:
Have you got any of those chicken kievs?

Chef:
Chicken kievs? No...

Man:
A three star Michelin restaurant and you can't rustle up a chicken kiev?!

Chef:
Is there anything else you would like?

Man:
Yes, how about that waitress over there? Could I bang her? Here and now? On the table?

Chef:
You mean my daughter?

Man:
Can she do the splits?

Chef:
How about we send the sous chef out to get some chicken kievs?

Man:
Are you not even going to offer yourself as a replacement?

Chef:
You, sir, are the most rude, disgusting and arrogant person I have ever met.

Man:
So, you're saying I've done pretty well?

Chef:
Pretty well? Let's just say you're the finest bastard food critic we've ever had in here. I'll be awarding you five wankers out of five!

Man:
Excellent! I'll celebrate with another plate of weasel vomit, please!

ENDS

Quote: Ben @ 24th November 2013, 11:14 AM GMT

Int. Restaurant Kitchen

Man:
A three star Michelin restaurant and you can't rustle up a chicken kiev?!

Chef:
Is there anything else you would like?

Man:
Yes, how about that waitress over there? Could I bang her? Here and now? On the table?

Chef:
You mean my daughter?

Man:
Can she do the splits?

Chef:
How about we send the sous chef out to get some chicken kievs?

Man:
Are you not even going to offer yourself as a replacement?

Chef:
You, sir, are the most rude, disgusting and arrogant person I have ever met.

Man:
So, you're saying I've done pretty well?

Chef:
Pretty well? Let's just say you're the finest bastard food critic we've ever had in here. I'll be awarding you five wankers out of five!

Man:
Excellent! I'll celebrate with another plate of weasel vomit, please!

ENDS

View original

This feels a bit disjointed as if the lines don't follow each other or there are bits missing.
I do like the twist that it's the critic who's being judged, but overall not sure about this Ben.

I agree its a good twist and the character works well, but some where round about the daughters splits that it seems to get a little lost.

Nice sketch but maybe neaten it a little and get it accelerating towards whats an excellent surprise twist.

Agree the above comments, sort out the middle and you have a nice sketch.

Thanks, chaps and chappettes. I'll have a go with adjusting the dialogue for the second half.

Here's a rewrite...

Int. Restaurant Kitchen

A waiter goes to pick up a plate of food. A chef approaches.

Chef:
No, no, Antoine. This one is for The Times food critic. I will serve it personally.

CUT TO: Int. Restaurant

A fat man in a suit is sat at a table. The chef approaches with a plate of food.

Chef:
Sauteed lambs kidneys in a mustard and dill sauce - my signature dish.

Man:
Looks like weasel vomit. (TAKES A BITE) It is weasel vomit! Gah! I think I'm going to be sick!

Chef:
If you like I could fetch a bucket made from the finest polyurethane for you to regurgitate into.

Man:
I'm not throwing up into any blasted bucket! I wish to vomit all over this hideous tablecloth. What's it made from exactly? The hair off a builders scrotum?!

Chef:
I believe it's Egyptian cotton handcrafted by virgin seamstresses.

Man:
Talking of women, I'll tell you what I want. I want to bang that waitress. On the table. My big hideous gut slapping against her nimble frame as I sweat buckets upon her grimacing face.

Chef:
That's my daughter.

Man:
My God she's ugly.

Chef:
Right, I've had just about enough of this. You, sir, are the most rude, disgusting and arrogant person I have ever met.

Man:
So, you're saying I've done pretty well?

Chef:
Pretty well? Let's just say you're the finest bastard food critic we've ever had in here. I'll be awarding you five wankers out of five!

Man:
Excellent! I'll celebrate with another plate of weasel vomit, please!

ENDS

Nothing to do with this skit but my signature dish is Alphabetti Spaghetti

Quote: Marc P @ 24th November 2013, 6:16 PM GMT

Nothing to do with this skit but my signature dish is Alphabetti Spaghetti

View original

Theres 2 novels in each tin

Quote: sootyj @ 24th November 2013, 6:21 PM GMT

Theres 2 novels in each tin

View original

And by God they are saucy!

I like but I think the pacing is still a little off, I some how here the critic being increasingly obnoxious and then demanding sex.
Becausethat's an accelerator change, it's good, but if you carry on past it or there's no vbuild up before its lost.

Ok, thanks, Sooty. I think perhaps I need to make this a bit longer. Reading it back, it comes across manically fast. A bit more room for it to breathe and it should be a better piece.

Interesting reading this after gappy's sketch; this one as you say it too snappy. The guy is a restaurant critic so I would spend more time having him be rude about the the actual food; and I am not sure having him threaten to vomit works (particularly as you have already had him describe the food as vomit.)