Snack Attack

3 Star Michelin chef and outrageously volatile Frenchman, Henri Le' C**t is in his brand new kitchen

He has a Meerkat's head clamped to the side of the table and is force feeding it liquidised truffles through a piping bag.

He then hangs it upside down on a hook over a platter of fried Andalusian artichokes.

He then prods the Meerkat in the stomach really hard with the handle of a wooden spoon, the Meeerkat then vomits onto the Andalusian artichokes

HENRI
Viola!

Henri then walks through his restaurant and spots the window cleaner, he rushes out and grabs the window cleaner by the arm and takes his bucket away.

HENRI
Stop you imbecile, don't you wash the front of my new super chic establishment with mere tap water!

Henri then pours three bottles of champagne and three bottles of Evian into the bucket.

HENRI
Viola!

Henri walks back through the restaurant and sees an underling making a fan out of a linen serviette. Henri rushes over and seizes the serviette. Henri then operates a few folds and we see the serviette now looks like an Angel holding a dove that has a branch in its mouth.

HENRI
Viola!

Henri then walks to the door and with much ceremony turns the sign from Closed to Open. He then walks behind the counter and stands proudly next to a tray that is stacked high with handmade choux pastry delights.

Henri is twirling his mustache with delight as a very aggressive looking man wearing an Everton scarf walks in and goes up to the counter

MAN IN EFC SCARF
Alright lad can I have a donna kebab with brown sauce.

I know you don't like pedants correcting your spelling Teddy but Voila! Is the word you want here.

Thank for that Mark, it comes as no surprise to me that my French is as bad as my English.
That said did you like the sketch?

Not sure what it is for teddy so hard to comment... If for TV would need to be toned down in terms of production costs and things that can actually be done, the punch re kebab prob needs changing as it's clearly not a take away kebab shop so some other dish. The underlying theme of pomposity pricked is good and you are right to take it to the absurd but think language rather than physical in terms of what can be achieved would be my advice. I only pointed out the spelling because Viola gave it a Shakesperian comic touch I didn't think you intended.

I did to be honest, I have been using covert Shakespearian references in most of my sketches over the last few months and you're the first to spot it.

I was half expecting that the caper would be exposed in my western sketch 'Alias Poor & Yorik.

But no one spotted that Yorik was smoking a Hamlet when they robbed the Kansas to Arkansas flyer for the fifth time!

And in my sketch Julie's Seizure, no one spotted that the Dr was called Brutus
or that the fictitious hospital was called St Cleopatra's.

I won't even touch on my sketch Richard the Fourth, but as I said well done for spotting that.

But as for him asking for a kebab with brown sauce on in a 3 Star Michelin, for me that works, it's not a classic punchline it simply juxtaposes pomposity with a profound earthy request based on the premise that the place sells food and he wants to buy food. There in lies the rub.

Maybe... but it implies a stupidity on the part of the scouser that isn't really believable, maybe the twist is the chef beams delightedly and orders his minions to fetch the ingredients for another ridiculous kebab based food dish which he can hoist on his own rotating petard and speciality brown source etc thereby subverting our expectations.

Or Henri says in a scouse accent -

Ah dad! Piss off will yer!

There is no question of stupidity Mark, loads of Scousers use the same trick in different ways.

You simply clock what's going on quickly then come out with something that is the complete opposite

EG
You go to a house party and the host is a knob who poses about how well stocked his bar is, as a Scouser you have two options.

You can either ask for something you know he hasn't got. Or you can ask for a cocktail of all the most expensive stuff he's bought and then say it tastes like Chicken and ask for a lager.

But he hasn't heard any of the previous he just walks in and asks for a kebab.

Mark I am surprised you don't understand the basic concept involved here, as it is as old as a caves: Although I can understand your inability to see a Scouser as being stupid

WE are made privy to the fastidious nature of Henri

WE are shown the decadence involved

WE see the underlining expectation and ambition of a pompous chef

WE are shown how he reacts to the minor things

The rest we visualise for ourselves, it's not a great sketch but it meets the basics, composition wise so I'm surprised you can't grasp it as you seem to be bright.

That said if it comes down to using sock puppets, the black sock will be the evil one.

WE..... may all see this Teddy, the scouser walking in hasn't seen any of it.

Would showcase not be a better place for this sketch then?

He doesn't have to see any of it at all, that's the point. As for Showcase I never put stuff in there as it is plagued with Welsh people whose sidekicks look like Robbie Savage, it's a disturbing image it really is.

So where do you see this sketch being presented? Or is it just for here?

Like all my stuff it never leaves these boards, I just put them up and see what happens

Fair enough. Are you looking to write sketches sometime that sometimes might get made?