Sharks & Snakes

This is undergoing a huge re-write as we speak, but I thought I'd post an excerpt to get a few views as I am looking for a collaborator/co-writer.

Basically neurotic and nerdy Peter has been sent round to complain about a party in the flat opposite by his bitch of a girlfriend Sandra. He has just walked over to the offending flat and found that the door is ajar...

(Note: before anyone complains about Travis' dialogue being a little too wordy, its intentional...)

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Peter peers into the apartment a little further and we can see the signs of a party. JET CHASE appears in the doorway, blocking his view and startling him. Jet's in his early to mid twenties - a fitness fanatic type.

JET
You don't appear to have anything with you? It's a BYOB party I'm afraid...

PETER
I don't really drink...

JET
No...no...bring your own boobs...
(frowns)
Or bollocks if that's what you're in to...

From O.S. we hear the voice of TRAVIS SNOW.

TRAVIS (O.S.)
Who is it?

Jet looks properly at Peter.

JET
Oh bloody hell; it's that bloke next door.

TRAVIS (O.S.)
That weird one?

JET
Yeah...

PETER
I can hear you, you know? I'm right here...

Travis appears - short, confident, fancies himself as a showman.

TRAVIS
Hi there! How can I help you?

PETER
Well I....

SANDRA
(Shouting from the doorway of their flat)
If you don't turn that music down he's going to knock you right out!

TRAVIS
(To Peter)
I see you brought your spokesperson with you! What a great bit of forward thinking.
(after a pause)
Is this true then, neighbour? Are you going to hit us so hard that we're both going to simultaneously lose consciousness?

PETER
Well...

SANDRA
Yes that's exactly right.

TRAVIS
Well, like most European super-powers we're none too keen on responding positively to threats, so let me tell you what's going to happen.
(clears throat)
I'm going to close the door and continue with my life.

PETER
I'll tell the landlord.

TRAVIS
Well, now! Listen to him! After exhausting any possible means of a violent threat he's looking to bring in other super-powers! You'd make a brilliant, yet ultimately doomed, dictator.

SANDRA
Don't think he won't tell him!

TRAVIS
Oh no trust me, I believe him! Don't you, Jet?

Jet opens the door a little further until an elderly, very drunken man can be seen on the sofa - flanked either side by a couple of women. This
is the LANDLORD.

JET
Landlord!
(he looks up)
The bloke who lives opposite wants a word.

LANDLORD
(Drunkenly)
Whassamatter?

Peter goes red.

PETER
Err...this party is a little loud...

LANDLORD
Why are you telling me that? Don't you think I know that?
(Motions to speaker set)
I'm sat right next to the speaker you f**king toon.

Landlord goes back to his previous conversation. Travis and Jet turn back to Peter.

TRAVIS
Did that conversation go how you thought it would?

PETER
I have to be up for work at six, do you know how inconsiderate this is?

TRAVIS
I'm aware that you may feel it is inconsiderate. However, by coming over here and causing a fuss you've woken yourself up even more, and now you've got a bit of adrenaline going so you're inevitably going to find it even harder to sleep now! Whereas, if you'd just have got up and put in some headphones or even improvised with some cotton wool I reckon you'd be wrapped up in the world of Nod right now.

SANDRA
He's going to get his lawyer to write a stern letter to the landlord about this.

TRAVIS
What are you, by the way, the puppet-master?

Travis starts humming 'Master of the Puppets' by Metallica. Jet
shoots him a look.

JET
Stop trying to have an argument, Travis.
(To Sandra and Peter)
Sorry about the noise, we'll turn it down a tad. Now, have a good night guys.
Oh...and...err...great pyjamas by the way...

He slams the door closed. Leaving Peter and Sandra standing there stunned.

SANDRA
What is wrong with you? You just stood there like a frozen kipper while they tore into you. I need a man who can look after me, Peter!

Sandra slams their door closed and leaves the exasperated Peter standing there. He tries to open the door but she's locked it.

PETER
(sheepishly)
Err...Sandra...the door's locked...

This is good. The dialogue and characters are funny, and there are some nice conflicts. I liked the landlord in the party reveal, and the BYOB stuff. I felt that Jet apologising at the end deflated it a little bit, though. Might be better if Travis slams the door in Sandra's face when she's mid rant. I know you've forewarned us but what's the reason for Travis' verbose dialogue?

So far so good. Thought the dialogue was good and did not think Travis over wordy, just thought it showed his character. Only slight gripe is that I did not like the names Travis & Jet though I expect this might be your design.

Travis basically thinks he's a Hitch kind of character. He is actually written so I can play him, basically he used to be a mega loser and reinvented himself as this uber-confident guy (although of course he has his flaws) but has still kept the huge vocabulary he had. Talks in big flowery sentences like Russell Brand or maybe like say David Mitchell or Will of the inbetweeners.

He's very irreverent and condescending in the way he talks and he completely rips into people and analyses social situations. I think he's a very unique character and has to be the centre of attention - although this often gets him trouble.

@Playfull haha yeah! Actually in the rewrite I may be changing Jet into a girl.

The name Travis means 'crossroads' and he often uses this in pick-up attempts, it becomes a kind of running.

As in he's trying to pull a girl and he says that she's now at the 'crossroads' - she can either come home with him and have an amazing night or she can just go and continue dancing with her friends and just let this night fade into the background along with all the other boring nights where she never had such a choice.

I assumed Travis & Jet were a gay couple...

Quote: playfull @ 21st November 2013, 5:59 PM GMT

I assumed Travis & Jet were a gay couple...

View original

...how?

I admit Jet is a ridiculous name, it was only ever a working name I can't remember how it started. But no the two of them, in this draft at least, are fundamentally two very straight 'self proclaimed' pick-up artists. Or rather Travis is and Jet is sort of his wingman/assistant.

Quote: playfull @ 21st November 2013, 5:59 PM GMT

I assumed Travis & Jet were a gay couple...

View original

I didn't get that impression. I think Jet's lines in the BYOB stuff, make it clear that he's not.

It's not often I can read a sitcom extract all the way through on here, but I managed this one!

The dialogue's good and the action amusing, so you've obviously got some talent. I'm not 100% sure what the episode is about from this one scene though. I know it's an excerpt, but I didn't get a sense of what had preceded it or what was coming.

As I say, it's a really good effort. I'd be interested to see the opening scene of the episode. Maybe put that up and you'll get more critique. Good luck!

hey ben, just happened to have the file of my pilot open so here is the opening which leads up to Jet meeting Peter. I hate the bit with the dominatrix now, it seems so immature and I will cut it from next draft..

There is also perhaps a bit too much action, however I wrote this about 6 months ago and I was fresh from writing (or trying to write) screenplays so it has taken me a while to adapt to the 'less is more' school of thought...

INT. PETER'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

It's late and the whole of the bedroom is flooded in darkness. An electronic alarm clock provides only the slightest bit of illumination - showing that two figures are tucked up in a double bed.

From somewhere the sound of almost deafeningly loud party music can be heard. Suddenly we hear the bossy, demanding voice of SANDRA.

SANDRA
10...9...8...7...6

The jittery, sleepy voice of her boyfriend, PETER PETERSEN interjects.

PETER
What are you doing? Its two AM...I need to be up at six...it's bad enough trying to sleep with that racket next door...

SANDRA
I'm counting, Peter, isn't it obvious? 5...

PETER
Err...well, yes - I got that. But why?

SANDRA
4...3...because if those idiots across the hall haven't shut their music off by the time I reach one you're going to go over there and tell them to shut up.

PETER
I am?

SANDRA
(Firm)
You are.
(Pause)
2...1...

Sandra flicks the light on and Peter recoils as the bright light pierces his sleepy eyes. He's a neurotic looking fellow and the fact that he is currently dressed in a set of polka dot pajamas and a sleeping cap adds
nothing positive to his appearance.

PETER
I take it this is my cue to go over there?

SANDRA
Get to it.

Peter sighs and sheepishly pulls himself out of bed.

CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT BLOCK HALLWAY -- NIGHT

Peter, who has now put his cap away, reluctantly steps out into a stretch of hallway - a couple of other apartment doors can be seen dotting around the area.

He gets halfway across the hallway and goes to turn back -only to see Sandra standing expectantly in the doorway of their aparment.

He takes a deep breath and then heads over to the door opposite - which is vibrating due to the loud music.

PETER
I think I'm losing my voice...

SANDRA
Get to it, Peter.

Peter knocks weakly on the door. No response.

PETER
Oh look - no body's at home. They must have just gone off and left the TV on...

Sandra marches over and kicks the door so hard that it almost shakes - before rushing back to her spot in their doorway.

PETER (CONT'D)
Well...thank you for that, dear.

The door swings open and a MAN IN A GIMP SUIT comes running out. He has whip marks across his legs.

GIMP SUIT MAN
(Grabbing Peter)
Are you the police? Are you the police? There is a woman in there who is not sane!

As if on cue a menacing looking DOMINATRIX-esque woman comes flying out.

DOMINATRIX
(Twirling a bullwhip in her hands)
I hate it when you play hard to get.

The Gimp Suit Man runs full pelt down the corridor - with the Dominatrix right behind him.

PETER
(Turning to Sandra)
Perhaps it wasn't the television after all...

Peter peers into the apartment a little further and we can see the signs of a party. JET CHASE appears in the doorway, blocking his view and startling him. Jet's in his early to mid twenties - a fitness fanatic type.

I didn't think the dominatrix bit was too bad, but maybe a bit redundant in the greater scheme of things. Unless those characters come back into it of course. It's an entertaining opening you've got, so hopefully you can maintain the level. Hopefully others on here will also give you useful insight.

yeah they don't, it was just a way of showing how wild Travis and Jet's parties are. But there are two ways I want to change this series so if anyone reading fancies lending a listening ear (which I will return if you send an SAE) it'd be great to get some views on where to take the concept.

Just wanted to say I quite liked this too. I was picturing mark from peep show as Peter... That might be because you mentioned David Mitchell , but be careful he's not too similar I suppose. Not much to say about it really as not much happens but would happily read more.

Quote: Mattytheswan @ 21st November 2013, 10:33 PM GMT

Just wanted to say I quite liked this too. I was picturing mark from peep show as Peter... That might be because you mentioned David Mitchell , but be careful he's not too similar I suppose. Not much to say about it really as not much happens but would happily read more.

View original

hi there, yeah the differences with Peter and Mark need to be addressed. At the minute the character of Peter is a hybrid of a sort of grown-up Will from the Inbetweeners, a nicer version of Mark Corrigan with a neurotic, phobia-driven flavour of his own (neurotic in the way that Woody Allen's character in Annie Hall is). However unlike Mark Peter progresses into a more confident man under Travis' tutorship - although his personality flaws do still let him down at times.

would anyone with a bit of free time like to actually read the first draft pilot for this? Would be great to have a few observations by a kind soul to guide me along with my re-write...

I will endeavour to read something of yours if necessary too!

I rather like that, lots of action, lots of funny and very pacy.

Maybe its in at the deep end and the tone stays the same, check how Peepshow does similar stuff. But it accelerates where as yours starts mad and stays mad.

Did like that final punchline old skool but good.