Sitcom attempt - First scene

Hi all, I posted a first scene on here about a month ago https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/28906/ that got some mixed reviews. I have made some ammendments and would appreciate any feedback...

SCENE 1. INT. LOCK-UP GARAGE. 10:45AM
(PHIL IS TIED TO A CHAIR. 2 HITMAN PACE AROUND HIM. HITMAN 2 THROWS A BUCKET OF WATER OVER PHIL)

PHIL:

What you doing?

HITMAN 1:

Wakey wakey

PHIL

I wasn't asleep!

HITMAN 1:

Who's the canary?

PHIL:

The what?

HITMAN 1:

The mole, who is it?

PHIL:

I dunno what you're talking about

HITMAN 2:

Who's the badger?

PHIL:

Where did you get him from?

HITMAN 1:

He's my kid brother, what can you do ay?

PHIL:

I honestly haven't got a clue what you're on about.

You seem like reasonable men, why don't you untie

me and I can find out for you.

(HITMAN 2 GOES TO UNTIL PHIL)


HITMAN 1:

What you doing - get off him! Listen here, you

really don't wanna see how un-reasonable I can be.

You've been playing us for fool's long enough, do

we look like fools to you?

(CAMERA PANS TO SHOW HITMAN 2 WITH A STUPID GRIN ON HIS FACE)

PHIL:

No, no. I was just thinking quite the contrary

actually, sitting here tied to a chair wet through

for no apparent reason I was thinking what a

couple of geniuses you two are.

HITMAN 1:

Good, bout time we starting getting some credit.

HITMAN 2:

Why don't you save us all some time and tell us

who has been singing to the old bill before I have to

make the call. Trust me, they all start talking

eventually.

PHIL:

You are gonna have to make the call. I haven't the

foggiest what you are on about.

HITMAN 1:

Do it

HITMAN 2:

(DIALS - LONG PAUSE) I'm on hold (PAUSE) Oh

hello. He's keeping schtum, what do you want us

to do (PAUSE) uh? (PAUSE) Prawn Crackers?.

No I don't want any Prawn Crackers...uh...what?....

Hold on...I said hold on! (COVERS PHONE) Does

anyone want any curry?

HITMAN1:

No!!

HITMAN 2

What about him, do you want some curry mate?

PHIL:

I could eat some curry...

HITMAN 2

(BACK TO PHONE) You do deliver don't you. yep it's unit 3, the lockup.

You will have to knock as it's all padlocked at the moment.

HITMAN 1:

Hang up the phone!

HITMAN 2:

Sorry I'll have to call you back. (TO HITMAN 1)

Rude!!!! (LOOKS AT PHONE) Huh? I rang the Big

China rather than the Big Cheese.

(SCROLLS PHONE) The Big Cheese and....dial.

BIG CHEESE:

(DARKENED ROOM. ALL YOU SEE IS HIS

MOUTH TALKING INTO PHONE)

Hello.

HITMAN 2:

Hello, is that the big cheese?

BIG CHEESE:

Make it quick. Bargain hunt has just started.

HITMAN 2:

We've got him boss but he is playing dumb.

HITMAN 1:

What does he want us to cut?

HITMAN 2:

Shush

BIG CHEESE:

Have you chucked the water over him yet?

HITMAN 2:

Yeah, we did that first.

BIG CHEESE:

Hit him again then

HITMAN 2:

Can't do that boss. We only brought 1 bucket of

water and that had a hole in it.

HITMAN 1:

What bit does he want us to cut. I'm getting

something. I'll get his ear.

HITMAN 2:

Oh for god's sake. He wants to know what you

want him to cut (PAUSE) he doesn't want you to

cut anything.

HITMAN 1:

(HOVERING OVER PHIL'S EAR WITH SOME
SCISSORS)

Goddamn it!

PHIL:

What is your obsession with cutting. No one needs

to cut anyone.

HITMAN 2:

Cut his hair

(HITMAN 1 STARTS CUTTING HIS HAIR 3 TIMES)

PHIL:

Thanks for that, got a mirror?

BIG CHEESE:

Right lets put an end to this pantomime. Get him

over to me. I'd like him to meet the reaper.

HITMAN 2:

Alright boss (TO HITMAN 1) he's told us to bring

him over. He's got the reaper with him.

HITMAN 1:

(TO PHIL) Oh sorry man! You should of just told us.

PHIL:

The reaper, why the reaper. I've told you I don't

know anything.

(AS PHIL IS UNTIED THE POLICE RAID THE
LOCK UP AND BOTH THE HITMEN AND PHIL
RUN OFF IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. THE
HITMEN ARE BOTH TAZERED BUT PHILL
MANAGES TO GET AWAY)

SCENE 2. EXT. ROAD. 11.00AM.

(Credits rolling)

(PHIL IS RUNNING FLAT OUT AS A MONK
RIDES A BIKE IN THE OPPOSITEE DIRECTION.
PHIL STEPS ACROSS HIM AND THE MONK
SWERVES AND CLIPS A CAR FORCING HIM TO
FALL OFF HIS BIKE. HE STANDS UP AND
HOLDS UP HANDS TO SHOW HE IS ALRIGHT
AND THEN GET HIT AGAIN BY TRUCK. HE IS
LYING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD).

MONK

Tell the brothers I won't be making it. The pain!

PHIL

Don't be silly. You will be telling them yourself.

MONK

No I'm too weak. Too cold.

PHIL

Now you listen to me. You are gonna make it.

MONK

Just go

PHIL

Go where?

(MONK PUTS HIS HAND TOWARDS THE
MONESTARY IN THE DISTANCE. THE CLOUDS
BREAK AND ANGEL MUSIC IS PLAYED. PHIL
SITS THE MONK UP)

PHIL

No look it is your lucky day, here comes an

ambulance.

(PHIL REALISES THE AMBULANCE IS NOT GOING TO STOP AND JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY AS IT PLOUGHS INTO THE MONK. PHIL LOOKS SHEEPISH AND SIDLES AWAY)

I find it a bit bewildering. Are either of these events explained later?

Pretty sure they will be beaky. I found it entertaining, want to know what happens next and why he was locked up in the first place. good stuff.

I agree, I'd definitely keep watching. The dialogue is good and it's well paced. The hit-men characters are entertaining, I like the cutting thing. I think Phil seems a little bit bland at the moment, though. Also, is the thing with the ambulance explained later? If it isn't, I think it's overkill. I think it's funny the first time with the truck, but its a bit more difficult to justify the second time around, unless its explained, of course. Overall, though, I liked it, I'd definitely read/watch on.

Thanks peeps. Yes of course it is explained as the episode/series progress. The series is set in a monastery and Phil basically takes the place/identity of the dead monk and hides in the monastery until it all settles down.

Ah yes, I remember now.

It's a perfectly good scene, but again, it feels like the intro to a spoof mafia movie as opposed to the opening to a pilot for a sitcom set in a monastery.

As such, it's a massive red herring to anyone reading this as their introduction to your concept as it doesn't actually tell you anything about the situation the comedy is built around, or the style of the interaction (unless perhaps you're going to keep rolling with the spoofing of dramatic movie scenes), especially if the hitmen and Big Cheese aren't going to be recurring characters.

Thanks for the feedback thus far. Beaky in answer to how it all ties in with the plot I've included the next two scenes to give you a better feel for it.

SCENE 3. INT. MONASTRY DOOR WAY. 11:05.

(PHIL IS INSIDE THE DOORWAY PEERING OUT)

(Credits end)

GEORGE:

Ah you must be brother Phil, we've been expecting

you. Welcome!

(GEORGE holds out hand as if to shake but PHIL bows down and kisses the hand)

PHIL:

Yeah, Brother Phil, that's me.

GEORGE:

Whoa, hold your horses there, I'm not the pope...

YET! (chuckles) Right, well, come on through -

we're all ready for you.

PHIL:

Uh?

GEORGE:

For your speech, we're all very excited.

PHIL:

Yeah, yeah, me too. can't wait, just give me a

minute though yeah?

GEORGE:

Ah, last minute jitters. No need to be nervous, were

a friendly bunch here...

PHIL:

Just remind me, what do I usually talk about?

GEORGE:

Oh Brother Phil, your knowledge of The Good Book

is legendary.

PHIL:

When you say "The Good Book" you're talking

about...

GEORGE:

... the testament

PHIL:

(Shaking head in not understanding)

No, sorry you've lost me

GEORGE:

The Sacred Writings

PHIL:

The sacred?..

GEORGE:

Writings

PHIL:

Nope

GEORGE:

The Bible

PHIL:

Yes! I've heard of that one. Why not just say The

Bible!

GEORGE:

Yes, of course, sorry.

PHIL:

Well don't worry about that now, why don't you get

yourself in there and warm your little monk friends

up for me.

SCENE 4. INT. ROOM FULL OF MONKS. 11:10.

GEORGE:

Ok, ok, settle down. As you know we are privileged

to have our guest speaker here today. He has been

bestowed the highest honer of monk of the year two

years running and is the bestselling author of

"religion and other stuff", he is a regular contributor

to radio four's "why can't we all just get along" and

has been referred to in Stephen Fry'S

autobiography Moab is my Washpot as "Brother

Phil, yes, I think I've a vague recollection of him".

He is the recent winner of the prestigious golden

habit and has decided to bless us all today with his

words, Gentlemen I give you, (voice cracks like

Peter Dickson of X Factor) BROTHER PHIL!...

(coughs, taps mic) sorry, Brother Phil.

PHIL:

(Runs into auditorium and high fives the front row)

Thank you brother George. Hello monks. What is a

collection of monks called? Monkeys, is it?

(cuts to monks looking bemused)

anyway we're not here for that, mores' the pity I

hear you cry. No, we are here for the big question,

If not the biggest. God... let's all just think about that

for a second shall we...God... we all say it don't we.

stub your toe and what do we say? Oh God. Does it

stop the pain, no of course not. You pray Ireland

can qualify for a World Cup and do they?, course

not their bloody crap. No. God is a cruel man... or

woman... probably a man, men usually create more

don't they, that Dyson fella for example, genius.

Anyway, he's cruel, yet for some reason we stick by

him even after he kicks mud in our eyes over and

over until we all turn to a life of crime.

SHIRLEY:

Not really true that though is it...

PHIL:

(stares at brother SHIRLEY close up)

They all turn to a life of crime eventually, just a

matter of time. (addresses group) Now, let me tell

you a little story you may or may not of heard about

a man called Noah, his doting wife Nelly, and his

big boat.

(Fades to sign reading "20 minutes later")

PHIL:

Come on, last verse, let me hear you all.

ALL:

"The animal's went in two by two, hurrah, hurrah,

the animals went in two by two, the elephant, the

kangaroo and they all went into the ark, all to get

out of the rain"

(Sign reads "40 minutes later")

PHIL:

And so he said "these are your commandments -

take them, and even though you don't know what

they mean, preach them to the flocks.

(Sign reads "1 hour later")

PHIL:

And that's why we call our old mate Tel, Judas. If

your collar gets felt, you don't snitch on your mates,

you know what I'm saying...

SHIRLEY:

Not a clue.

GEORGE:

Right thank you brother Phil for that, you have

finished haven't you?

PHIL:

Yep

SHIRLEY:

Thank god

PHIL:

See, we all say it.

GEORGE:

Brothers, nibbles have been provided at the back

please help yourself.

(Crowd disperse)

GEORGE:

Thanks again Brother Phil, you really boosted

moral, what with the hole in the roof and Sister

Mary on our case, it's nice of you to take our mind

of things.

PHIL:

Why do all churches have a hole in the roof?

GEORGE:

Act of god, he does these things to test us, and the

building is 600 years old doesn't help. Poor old

Joe hasn't had a decent night's sleep for a year

now, his bed's right under the hole.

PHIL:

Is that the one who has taken a vow of silence?

GEORGE:

Yes, it used to be Jack's room but we found Joe

complains a lot less so we stuck him in there.

(Brother SHIRLEY approaches with plate of food)

SHIRLEY:

Without doubt, worse lecture we've ever had.

GEORGE:

Oh come on now brother SHIRLEY, it

wasn't that bad

SHIRLEY:

I learned three things today, there are 192 roof tiles

in this room, Richard is a mouth breather, and

Brother Phil is incredibly, incredibly over-rated.

GEORGE:

Yes it was pretty awful wasn't it, no hard feeling

though brother PHIL?

PHIL:

None whatsoever.

(JOE walks over holding his cards, turns one over and it is blank)

GEORGE:

Even Joe is speechless

JACK:

One word, absolutely brilliant. the way you took us

back to our childhood like that giving us the most

basic religious teachings that anyone with even half

a brain knows, you Sir are a genius. a genius of

mouth, a genius of quill and a genius of... other

stuff.

PHIL:

Very moving but right now there are two of us

standing here and there only needs to be one.

JACK:

Are you off then?

PHIL:

Yep, as soon as I get what's owed, time to pay the

piper.

JACK:

Excellent! I played recorder at school, we could do

a duet.

PHIL:

What on earth are you prattling on about?... do you

have my money

JACK:

Me? no, no

PHIL:

Then who does?

JACK:

The treasurer

PHIL:

And he is?


JACK:

The one that looks after the money

PHIL:

(Grabs JACK by the scruff of the neck)

Look here you half-witted imbecile, I haven't got

time for your stupidity, where's my money!?

JACK:

(Nervously shouts across)

Err... father George!

GEORGE:

Yes chaps?

PHIL:

(Rubs fingers together)

I was just explaining to this pointless monk here

that I need my money before I get going?

GEORGE:

Oh goodness, right. And err, what is the fee? I was

under the impression from your assistant that you

gave your time for free and that it would simply be a

case of taking care of expenses?

PHIL:

That's right

GEORGE:

Oh ok, good. Phew, had me worried there for a

moment. So how much do we owe you?

PHIL:

I'd say ten grand is a fair amount

GEORGE:

(Drinking a coffee and splurts it out all over JACK)

Dear lord! we don't have that sort of cash about.

Like I mentioned earlier, all our money is being

used to repair the roof.

PHIL:

Listen, I had to travel all the way from Ireland for

this.

JACK:

I thought you were from Barnstaple

PHIL:

No, no, I'm Irish. Cut me open I bleed Guinness. I

came here to give you lot an excellent speech bout

religion and stuff. £10k is fair.

GEORGE:

Splurts out coffee again all over Jack.

JACK:

Stop bloody drinking every time he mentions

money.

PHIL:

What can you afford?

GEORGE:

I think we have about eighteen pounds in the tea

fund...

PHIL:

Done! Go get it.

Scenes 1 and 2 are great, very pacy, some excellent gags, strong characters, funny all good.

Scene 3 utterly lost me.

I can sort of work out what's going on, but it's like a blokey sweded version of Sister Act.

And that aint good.

the dialogue was pretty funny, but I would say that you need some descriptions. I know sitcoms don't always require as much descriptive writing as film scripts etc, but I would always write to set the scene and describe the characters first.

It's sometimes easier to imagine the character interactions etc when we know what they look like. At the minute Phil could be a sumo wrestler for all I know!

I'm thinking who is George? Who is Shirley? Of course when watching this I'd be able to see the characters, but if this wound up on my desk I would be craving description so I could see it how you see it.

Does that make sense? haha! But asides from my niggles about description the dialogue did make me chuckle a bit, particularly when he rang the curry house near the start. So yeah, good work so far.

Thanks for that Ashley, I posted a different opening scene on here about a month ago for the same sitcom which wasn't very well received and the theme through most of the feedback was I should not put character descriptions at the start as I had done as the character should be obvious from the writing. I like you would prefer to know about the characters to help visualise but based on the feedback from last time, removed it this time round. I guess you can't please everyone. Thanks for the feedback.

I think Ronald Wolfe, of 'On the Buses' fame put it pretty well when he wrote the following, in his 'writing comedy' book:
"A good script is never rejected because of layout or lack of technical jargon. If people like it, then any experienced film or TV PA or secretary can lay it out in professional manner and add all the technical terms necessary"

But yeah let's say I got that script on my desk I wouldn't know what you knew about it if you get me. So I'd have no idea who Phil is, in fact I still don't. Is he a young slick guy who has run into trouble? Or is he an older Bob Hoskins type? To fully appreciate the humour etc I would need to know who he is.

Although this could be done by describing the characters before the script - just after the title page.

I mean yes to an extent you should be able to understand the characters from the writing, but in life there are young people who talk like old people and old people who talk like young people so Phil may not be who he sounds. For example Mark Corrigan in Peep Show, his dialogue would make him sound like a 60 year old man when in fact he is in his late twenties to early thirties when the show starts.

Of course when I'm watching Peep Show I can see David Mitchell so I know how Mark looks like, but if I received the script on my desk I wouldn't have a clue and if I was someone who received several scripts a day and had limited reading time I'd want to know who the character was right away.

The convention is to briefly describe the character when they first appear.
BEAKY(DECREPIT OLD GIT WITH AN OBVIOUS WIG) ENTERS THE ROOM.

you're right there, beaky, but these excerpts lacked even that.

E.G Phil, a sumo wrestler in his 30s, is tied a chair...