http://www.scribd.com/doc/185501146/Down-to-Earth
I'm hoping there's not going to be as much bad criticism as last time when I couldn't structure/format a script. But go ahead, positive/negative
Thanks,
CALLUM :-)
16 year old's pilot (one year on)
Sorry I only review cut and pasted stuff in critique
I had a quick look at the first five pages or so. It's properly formatted, which is good. There's way too much description, though. For example, the first four paragraphs contain lots of unnecessary information, they could probably be condensed down to four sentences. I'd say the same thing applies to the rest of what I read. On the plus side, the dialogue seemed very natural.
Firstly, I think you've done well to do this if (it is the internet, you never know) you're only 16.
I read about 2/3 of the script. I suppose, firstly, the fact I didn't finish it says something.
I would say the main issues with it are :
1) As (Dr) Dirty Rotten Egg has already said, there is far too much description in it. Just cut this down to what is necessary. Also - only write what will be shown on screen- we cannot be shown what someone is thinking for example.
2) I disagree with DRE in that I didn't think the dialogue was natural at all. The characters kept saying what they were feeling... ooh I feel awkward or ooh now I feel guilty etc. It was just very jarring and the relationships between the characters didn't seem natural.
3) I didn't care for any of the characters. I didn't know what I was supposed to feel about them and so din't feel anything at all. There was just nothing that grabbed me about any of them, nothing I could relate to.
Having said all that, I would like to commend your efforts so far. It's a brave thing to write something and put it out there. You can obviously write and you have time on your side to really study and work on this. I think just reading some books on Sitcom, watching loads of sitcoms and reading loads of scripts would benefit you massively. Just keep going and good luck.
Matt
Hi Chunk. I did read extracts and I have to say that it did feel like a young guy's take on an adult world!
What kind of stuff do you watch at the moment? What other sitcoms inspired you... is this loosely based on anything?
Cheers for all the feedback. It's based on my nan, grandad and two uncles... each character mirrors their real character. The tea incident happened in real life ha ha. But thank you everyone.
Scartledge, I don't watch many sitcoms at the moment as I focus on US dramas. But, I enjoy Gavin & Stacey, The office, Extras, Lifes too short, Derek...