Skit Comp 12 - 19.11.13

Thanks for another cool skitcomp and congratulations to STONKED and PLAYFULL for winning. Please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject apiss for next wank.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Stonked, Playfull
2 - 5 - Sootyj
1 - 1 - Otterfox, Carlos Manwelly, Charleywolf
Special mention: Teddy

Your new subject: MONSTERS chosen by JAKOB JENSEN.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 19.11.13

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Stonked, Playfull
2 - 5 - Sootyj
1 - 1 - Otterfox, Carlos Manwelly, Charleywolf

A WOMAN GETTING ON A BUS HOLDING A BUNDLE OF SOMETHING
WHILE STRUGGLING TO GET HER FARE OUT OF HER PURSE.

WOMAN
A single to the town center please.

BUS DRIVER
Sorry madam but no animals are allowed on the bus.

WOMAN (SHOCKED)
It's not an animal! (opens bundle a little)
it's my baby son, he's 1 week old.

BUS DRIVER LOOKS EMBARRASSED

WOMAN MAKES HER WAY DISTRESSED DOWN THE BUS.

MAN SITTING OPPOSITE WHERE THE WOMAN SITS
Excuse me, what was all that about?

WOMAN
Oh, he was very very rude to me.

MAN
Don't let him get away with it.
Go back and tell him you are going to report him

WOMAN HESITATES

MAN
Don't worry, I'll hold your monkey.

MAN: [Manic] And I shall take them, and pour into their ears the acid balm of truth, and then, when the world turns in the rancid dark, vengeance shall be mine! [Crazed cackle]

1: Right. Well, thanks for coming in.

MAN: [Normal voice] OK; when will you let me know?

1: By the end of the week. Goodbye, Mr Brown.

[Door closes]

2: [Sigh] Another strange one. I'm just not convinced we're getting the calibre of applicants.

3: No. Pity.

1: Is it something to do with the job, do you think? The nature of it attracts the more unusual elements?

2: I hardly think so, it's just a janitor role.

1: Yes, but janitor of a fairground. I don't know, I'm thinking of long nights in the crazed light, the ghost train looming through the gloom, the merry-go-round horses rearing at a frozen pink gallop. Maybe that's why most of the applicants seem to have an unquenchable desire for dressing up as beasts and causing minor legal infarctions.

3: Mmmm. To be honest, I'm starting to wonder whether a disused fairground even needs a janitor.

1: Oh, come on, now, don't be silly. Who's going to look after everything? Who's going to polish the eerily broken candyfloss booth, or keep the ferris wheel at the right angle so the wind whistles through it like a damnéd soul?

2: Who's going to ensure that enough of the bulbs are missing from the signs so that they spell something vaguely sinister?

3: Yeah, sure, but...I'll come right out and say it, I don't think that a disused fairground was that great an investment after all.

1: Oh, Frank! Come on, it was your idea.

3: I know, I know. But just recently I've been wondering how we're going to make a return on this thing.

2: It's a waiting game, Frank. All we need is to hang back for a few decades, with just the right sort of janitor, and I'm sure it'll start to pay for itself.

1: And, come on, you can't say it doesn't create some interest. There are those kids who spend a lot of time snooping about, for one.

3: Oh, don't talk to me about those kids. I find them completely...oh, what's the word?

2: Pesky?

3: Yes, "pesky", that's right on the button. "Meddling" too, that's another good one. Do you know, I literally cannot think of a single instance in which we might require the assistance of those kids in the future?

1: No, perhaps you're right. But the point is, if they're clambering about every night, it's only a matter of time before other people do too. And then, money's bound to arrive.

3: I suppose. OK, well, let's give the job to the 3rd guy - what was his name, again?

2: Old Man Smithers.

3: Yes. I mean, admittedly he confessed to a penchant for occasional swamp monster impersonation, but he looked like he wouldn't be averse to some hard graft...and he had the sort of rugged demeanour that would put off any - what was the word, again, Janet?

2: Pesky.

3: Any pesky kids.

1: Excellent, Smithers gets the job. We need someone of slightly monstrous disposition; I mean, just clearing up the Great Dane shit every morning is a full time job.

What did the mouse say when the elephant came in its mouth? Not very much.

INTERNAL - A CAVE SOMEWHERE IN THE WELSH VALLEY OF MOUNTAIN ASH.

There are hundreds of monsters all lined up in a queue one behind another, the queue bends and stretches until it is out of sight deep below the caverns in the cave.

At the end of the queue is a small cubicle (not to be confused with queuebicle) the type that birdwatchers use to go tweeting or whatever it is they do.

As a monster reaches the cubicle he is handed a very large test tube by another monster that is wearing a tie and holding a green clipboard.

The monster, the one that is not wearing a tie but strangely enough is wearing pink flip-flops enters the cubicle.

Inside the cubicle the monster releases his little monster (which is not very little at all and has great girth) and proceeds to urinate into the test tube. When he has finished he gives his little monster a small shake, and hands the test tube to the other monster the one with a tie who is standing outside.

The monster who is wearing a tie, takes the test tube holds it up to the light, dips a bit of litmus paper into it, checks the colour and gives a nod of approval.

And so it continues with the next monster and the next and the next.

WE CUT TO OUTSIDE THE CAVE AND A SIGN ON THE CAVE READS:

"MONSTER ENERGY DRINK"

INT. A ROTTING TREE TRUNK IN EPPING FOREST

S1
The time is ripe.

S2
Will you stop saying that.

S1
But it is! I can feel it in my prober.

S2
That's just rampant, sexual frustration.

S1
It is foretold that when the leaves fall from the trees, we will rise up.

S2
Well rise up on your own side of the burrow. Leave me out of your sordid fantasies.

S1
And look, the leaves are fallen. Our time to rise must surely be now.

S2
I'm warning you. Touch me with that thing and you'll be invading on your own.

S1
Tell me - at the recruiting drive - just why did you stand in line for the inter-galactic task force? You're clearly not the invading type.

S2
I thought I was in the queue for the toilets, and then I was too embarrassed to admit it.

END

As a child I was always afraid that I would be woken up by the hideous monster who was lurking under my bed.

Now I'm an adult I know that won't happen.

These days, she lies next to me!

Zombie Apocalypse

A POLICECAR IS DRIVING TOWARDS A SMALL CITY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT. A CONFEDERATE FLAG IS WAVING IN THE WIND ON THE FIRST HOUSE OF THE CITY. THE POLICE CAR DRIVES INTO THE CITY AND EVERYWHERE IS THERE BLOOD AND SHOT TO PIECES HOUSES AND CARS.

IN THE OPPOSITE END OF TOWN IS A HUGE PILE OF DEAD BODIES STACKED UP AND A MAN WITH AN ASSAULT RIFLE ON HIS BACK IS THROWING GASOLINE OVER THE BODIES.

THE POLICE CAR STOPS NEAR THE MAN AND A SHERIFF GETS OUT OF THE CAR. HE REMOVES THE SAFETY STRAP ON HIS REVOLVER, THEN TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES FROM HIS POCKET AND TAKES A CIGARETTE. HE LIGHTS IT UP AND WALKS TOWARDS THE MAN.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: Hello there! I'm a Texas Ranger sent by the government. Are you Miles Kelley? The man who contacted me over the radio?

MILES KELLEY: It's too late. You arrived too late.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: Easy now son. Lay down that petrol gas and let's talk. Those bodies are not going anywhere.

MILES KELLEY: You're wrong, if they not are getting burned soon they can infect other people and it can be the end of the world.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: Just tell me what happened and I will help you afterwards.

MILES KELLEY SETS DOWN THE PETROL GAS AND TURN HIMSELF TOWARDS THE SHERIFF.

MILES KELLEY: It's terrible. Horror, pure horror.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: One thing at the time son. How did it start?

MILES KELLEY: It started yesterday. My friend Ben Slater and I were driving home from work in his car, when we pulled over by a gas station because we got a flat tire. Then a person from the station came and asked if our tire was flat. Then Ben said no, it's the three other tires which have swollen from driven. Then the gas man began to be aggressive.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: He attacked you?

MILES KELLEY: Yes. He hit and scratched Ben.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: Uncontrolled violence?

MILES KELLEY: Exactly. But then Ben ran to the trunk and got a gun and shot him.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: Then what?

MILES KELLEY: Then 4-5 people came out from the gas station and behaved in similar manner and attacked us. Then Ben said to me that they were all brainless zombies and we should kill them all.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: You had a weapon?

MILES KELLEY: Ben also had an assault rifle in the trunk. I used that.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: What did you do then?

MILES KELLEY: Ben said it was just like the walking dead, that everybody has turned into brainless zombies and that we had to kill all of them to save the world. So we started killing the zombies.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: How could you see apart zombies from regular people?

MILES KELLEY: We asked them three questions and if they answered one of them wrong we shoot them.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: What were the questions?

MILES KELLEY: Is the pope catholic? If the earth has existed in millions of years why do we call it year 2013? and how can you see If water boils?

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: Good questions. Did they all of them answer wrong?

THE SHERIFF LOOKS AT THE PILE OF BODIES.

MILES KELLEY: Every single one of them.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: Where is Ben?

MILES KELLEY: I had to shoot him.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: Why?

MILES KELLEY: After we contacted you, I said to him that this was worse than Hitler.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: And?

MILES KELLEY: Then he said who is Hitler? I said Second World War you know? Then he said that he was not old enough to remember that war. Then I got suspicious.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: He didn't know who Hitler was?

MILES KELLEY: No. Then I asked him what the capital in France was called, and then he said that France is the capital of Europe. And then I shoot him in the head.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: I can see you are bleeding on your leg, have you been bitten?

MILES KELLEY: I don't think so.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: Give me the weapon.

MILES KELLEY: How do I know that you are not a zombie?

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: Listen son zombies can't speak, they have grey eyes and rotten bodies and zombies can only be killed by a headshot. You haven't been shooting zombies, you have been shooting stupid people.

MILES KELLEY: Oh my God no. Nooooo. It can't be. Noooo

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: Give me the weapon son.

HE HANDS OVER THE ASSAULT RIFLE TO THE SHERIFF.

THE SHERIFF CHECKS THE MAGAZINE FOR BULLETS AND ARMS THE WEAPON AND SHOOTS MILES IN THE HEAD. THE BODY FALLS OVER IN THE PILE OF OTHER BODIES.

SHERIFF WESTBROOK: Stupid zombies!

THE SHERIFF THROWS HIS CIGARETTE IN THE PILE OF BODIES AND A FIRE STARTS. HE TURNS AROUND AND WALKS TOWARDS HIS CAR.

LADY GAGA and PA are on stage. GAGA is stirring a big witches cauldron.

PA - Miss Gaga I still don't understand why you're doing this. Is it just to one up Madonna?

GAGA angrily points to a jar with "madonna jar" written on it. PA puts £5 in it

PA - Why do you want to stop doing publicity stunts your erm what do you call your fans? little monsters? They love it

GAGA - I don't care what they want I'm sick of getting my clothes from a satorial butcher. And....what else have I done? My stunts have the weird combo of being slightly shocking and instantly forgettable. Anyway I'm sick of acting like a twat

PA - But its so natural. Whenever I see you I think twat

GAGA - Thank you. But now I won't need to do those things to attract fans. With this recipe I can make my own little monsters and I'll lead them to number 1 after number 1 after number 2 - I don't mind a Christmas number 2 Cliff Richard has been making his fans for years. Hand me the ingredients

PA - You'll regret this

PA hands GAGA beakers and GAGA pours them into cauldron

GAGA - An abundance of primary colours, a dash of art student pretention and a sprinkle of "look at me look at me"

The cauldron begins to spit green smoke and shake

PA - I told you you'd regret it

GAGA - I don't understand

PA - Maybe this will help

PA flops her hair to one side to mimic Justin Biebers hair style

GAGA - I don't get it

PA plays a Bieber song

GAGA - Sorry

PA - For gods sake

PA rips button from her shirt to reveal a t shirt reading "I'm a Bieleber you stupid cow"

GAGA - Oh so you're

PA - A Bieleber yes!

GAGA - Did you do this? (Points to cauldron)

PA - I may have made a few adjustments to your ingredients. I added a touch of floppy hair and a lot of inappropriate thoughts of middle aged women

GAGA - I can't believe you did this to me. You'll never work in this town again. I'm going to ruin you

PA - Don't be such a baby. Baby. Baby

100s of Bielebers pop up in smoke and advance on GAGA whilst chanting Baby Baby Baby

KEN SPECK(GRUFF) IS IN A DOCTORS SURGERY SPEAKING WITH THE DOCTOR.

KEN:
What kind of an idiot are you? Of course I'm sure I wasn't always like this. I've got seven thousand and ninety four spots on my body!

DOC:
It's just that they look old.

KEN:
How can spots look old!? What's on that report you're reading? How come your surgery is four floors up, I hate stairs!

DOC:
You could have taken the elevator.

KEN:
Uuh, elevators are not much better, if not, not much worse. How come your window is so big? This is crap. Fix me!

DOC:
Have you been around wild animals recently?

KEN:
No. Why?

DOC:
Because you've got the pox Mr.Speck.

KEN:
Small or chicken?

DOC:
Small, chicken, pandapox, monkeypox, crowpox, acne, rash, ringworm, measles, foals toe, penalty spots and face piles. To be honest you're utterly disgusting.

THE DOCTOR BRINGS OUT A CHART.

DOC(CNTD):
Looking at the disgustment chart here Mr. Speck we can see that you are right off the radar. Quite a way past deplorably rotten.

KEN:
Listen you dick, you better sort this out and don't mention any animals again or I'll nail your head to your shin, got it!? Now shit-head tell me what the hell is happening to me?

DOC:
Well your test results are back. Here we are...you're a, you're a prick Mr. Speck. Yes I'm afraid there is little doubt; you are a complete and absolute prick.

KEN:
In the medical sense or in a derogatory sense? 'Cos if it's derogatory i'll....

DOC:
Kick my teeth out through my eyes, fill my ears with firelighters and throw me into a volcano. This is the type of prickness to which I refer. You are a prick in every way that one can be a prick Mr. Speck, be it medical, derogatorily, socially, subconsciously, physically, preternaturally, verbally, orally or aurally.

KEN:
Give it to me straight!

DOC:
I thought I just did but here we go. You are an utterly horrendous human being in every conceivable way. You have had countless..ahem...liaisons with all manner of beast and your litany of diseases is the consequence.

KEN IS NOW SEETHING WITH RAGE.

DOC:
Please leave before you burst all over my surgery.

KEN:
Burst you up more like!

KEN STEPS FORWARD OMINOUSLY. THE DOCTOR PRODUCES A STEP OF A STAIRS. KEN SCREAMS AND RUNS OUT THE DOOR. WE HEAR AN EXPLOSION.

HE SWIVELS AROUND IN HIS CHAIR NONCHALANTLY.

DOC:
What-a-prick.

END.

int: A doctors office with doctor sat at chair. A knock at the door and a young man, mid twenties enters and takes a seat.Doctor turns to patient.

Doctor
Yes Mr Turner, and what can I help you with today.

Mr Turner
Well it's a bit embarrassing doctor...I'm here about a growth I discovered. It started about a month ago, I was just getting out of the shower when I caught sight of it out of the corner of my eye. I didn't really think much about it but after about a week it had got bigger.

Doctor
OK, and then what?

Mr Turner
Well I thought I'd try some over the counter stuff first, so I went to the chemist and bought some cream and spray. I tried the cream first but that just inflamed it, made it red and angry looking. So I left it a day and then tried the spray. if anything that was worse, it just made it weep for hours.
Well I just kept hoping it would go away on its own but it's got to the point now where I'm embarrassed to have my friends over in case they notice it, and my girlfriend refuses to see me, she says its hideous and smells terrible.

Doctor
OK, well I think the best thing to do is have a look at it, don't you?

Mr Turner
(gets up to leave)
Great...though I will warn you, it's been known to bite strangers.

Doctor
What!? You've lost me Mr Turner

Mr Turner
Well when I told it I was coming to the docs it said it couldn't be arsed and so I left it watching Jeremy Kyle and eating rice pudding out of the tin
(looks slyly at the doctor)
You never know, if we're lucky we might be able to catch it unawares

Otterfux.

Stephen Goodlad

I vote Jakob. I'd say it needs a rewrite, but I think the idea of someone ina small town getting it into their head that everyone is a zombie and shooting them is very funny.

gappy have my vote. Enjoy