New book of the Bible

Supposing you got to write a new book for the Bible (Tenakh, Khoran, Little Red Book, What not to wear book), what would it be?

Howz about The Book of Scum,

Including such parables as;

The chav who stopped drinking White Ace, and got a job.
Or the hoody who learns to read.
Or the guy with a big dog that never clears up after it, or controls it, who gets eaten by said dog and crapped edverywhere.

or

The Book of Kyle.

Where the prophet Jeremy, wanders the land shouting in peoples faces for an adoring crowd of simpletons, and social lepers.

Joel, there aren't too many goyish folk who describe the bible as the Tenakh.
I suspect you are a closet Jew.

Not at all in the closet, I am indeed a Red Sea Pedestrian.

Well, just be careful about Aaron, he doesn't like us

You to are a generously conked bacon denier?

I thought Aaron was by a 4 by 2 for sure.

No no no, you mistake him for a 4 x 2 when what he is is just a cool dude

Wow there fella, dodgesome joke.

n.b. This is the New Book of the Bible Thread, not the Elders of Zion breakfast club.

Long live Zog!

I wrote this three and a half years ago that kind of covered the same ground:

================================
The Gospel According to St Wayne
================================

12 And Dean did bringeth down the plastic from the summit of the Council Estate of Olives and showed them to the enormous crowd of Chavs awaiting him below in Ayia Napa.
13 They all listened intently, apart from those setting off fireworks, as he had won their trust by parting the red sea of burning G-reg Ford Sierra XR4is.
14 He spokenth, in a omniscient voice, with a booming bassline;
15 "Listeneth, all you Chavster scum,
16 The Lord hath givenst thou 10 commandments that thou musth obey.
17 They are thuseth:
18 One -- thou shall never raise the suspension of a Nova SR under any circumstance
19 Two -- thou shalt not covet thy neighbours' white Escort RS, not even if it haveth goldfish swimming in its wheeltrims
20 Three -- thou shalt not praise other gods, even if they wear the whitest Kappa and blackest Boots shades.
21 Four -- Though shalt not pronounce the word 'bitch' properly, adding an additional 'A' and elongating it soundeth 'Bi-a-itch'
22 Five -- Though shalt not be envious of thy neighbours' wheels, and should simply buy a bigger set if possible. With gold alloys.
23 Six -- Halford Audio Section shalt be thy place of worship and attended no less than fifteen times a day, turning the dials up and down on in-car entertainment systems that cannot affordeth be
24 Seven -- Thou shalt not kill, unless the biaitch hath more bling than strictly necessary.
25 Eight -- Trainers wilst always be of the purest white withst the tongues outside of thoust pants and halfway up thoust leg
26 Nine -- Beats are everything, tune is optional and rarely necessary. As long as thoust systems make homes vibrateth and the end of the street, everything else ist incidental.
27 Ten -- Enough jewellry musth be worn to be heard over boyakash beat and rap'n'b"
28 The Chavs did all taketh breath at the commandments, before lighting another cigarette and picking up the satellite controller.

Dan

Nice, the Bible, and chavs comedy nectar, of course we're both very similar to stuff in Holy Grail, and Meaning of Life. As I always most good comedy is tribute.

Quote: swerytd @ February 19, 2008, 10:22 AM

I wrote this three and a half years ago that kind of covered the same ground:

================================
The Gospel According to St Wayne
================================

12 And Dean did bringeth down the plastic from the summit of the Council Estate of Olives and showed them to the enormous crowd of Chavs awaiting him below in Ayia Napa.
13 They all listened intently, apart from those setting off fireworks, as he had won their trust by parting the red sea of burning G-reg Ford Sierra XR4is.
14 He spokenth, in a omniscient voice, with a booming bassline;
15 "Listeneth, all you Chavster scum,
16 The Lord hath givenst thou 10 commandments that thou musth obey.
17 They are thuseth:
18 One -- thou shall never raise the suspension of a Nova SR under any circumstance
19 Two -- thou shalt not covet thy neighbours' white Escort RS, not even if it haveth goldfish swimming in its wheeltrims
20 Three -- thou shalt not praise other gods, even if they wear the whitest Kappa and blackest Boots shades.
21 Four -- Though shalt not pronounce the word 'bitch' properly, adding an additional 'A' and elongating it soundeth 'Bi-a-itch'
22 Five -- Though shalt not be envious of thy neighbours' wheels, and should simply buy a bigger set if possible. With gold alloys.
23 Six -- Halford Audio Section shalt be thy place of worship and attended no less than fifteen times a day, turning the dials up and down on in-car entertainment systems that cannot affordeth be
24 Seven -- Thou shalt not kill, unless the biaitch hath more bling than strictly necessary.
25 Eight -- Trainers wilst always be of the purest white withst the tongues outside of thoust pants and halfway up thoust leg
26 Nine -- Beats are everything, tune is optional and rarely necessary. As long as thoust systems make homes vibrateth and the end of the street, everything else ist incidental.
27 Ten -- Enough jewellry musth be worn to be heard over boyakash beat and rap'n'b"
28 The Chavs did all taketh breath at the commandments, before lighting another cigarette and picking up the satellite controller.

Dan

View original

Quote: sootyj @ February 19, 2008, 9:12 AM

Long live Zog!

View original

Oh dear oh dear!

Sorry am I giving the game away?

I wanna see Ian's original joke!

Quote: swerytd @ February 19, 2008, 10:22 AM

I wrote this three and a half years ago that kind of covered the same ground:

================================
The Gospel According to St Wayne
================================

12 And Dean did bringeth down the plastic from the summit of the Council Estate of Olives and showed them to the enormous crowd of Chavs awaiting him below in Ayia Napa.
13 They all listened intently, apart from those setting off fireworks, as he had won their trust by parting the red sea of burning G-reg Ford Sierra XR4is.
14 He spokenth, in a omniscient voice, with a booming bassline;
15 "Listeneth, all you Chavster scum,
16 The Lord hath givenst thou 10 commandments that thou musth obey.
17 They are thuseth:
18 One -- thou shall never raise the suspension of a Nova SR under any circumstance
19 Two -- thou shalt not covet thy neighbours' white Escort RS, not even if it haveth goldfish swimming in its wheeltrims
20 Three -- thou shalt not praise other gods, even if they wear the whitest Kappa and blackest Boots shades.
21 Four -- Though shalt not pronounce the word 'bitch' properly, adding an additional 'A' and elongating it soundeth 'Bi-a-itch'
22 Five -- Though shalt not be envious of thy neighbours' wheels, and should simply buy a bigger set if possible. With gold alloys.
23 Six -- Halford Audio Section shalt be thy place of worship and attended no less than fifteen times a day, turning the dials up and down on in-car entertainment systems that cannot affordeth be
24 Seven -- Thou shalt not kill, unless the biaitch hath more bling than strictly necessary.
25 Eight -- Trainers wilst always be of the purest white withst the tongues outside of thoust pants and halfway up thoust leg
26 Nine -- Beats are everything, tune is optional and rarely necessary. As long as thoust systems make homes vibrateth and the end of the street, everything else ist incidental.
27 Ten -- Enough jewellry musth be worn to be heard over boyakash beat and rap'n'b"
28 The Chavs did all taketh breath at the commandments, before lighting another cigarette and picking up the satellite controller.

Dan

View original

Anyway. On the whole Jew subject, with a bit of the now Muslim-centric Chris Langham thread thrown in for good measure, have either of you ever heard Tim Minchin's Peace Anthem For Palestine?

P.S. Bacon bacon bacon bacon fried egg bacon mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I love bacon, if God didn't want us to eat pigs why did he make them out of bacon and sausages.

I was at the Iraq war demo my placard read,

"Justice for Iraq, injustice for Palestine,"

n.b. read 6,000,000 shekel man to get more of a hold on my views.

Quote: sootyj @ February 19, 2008, 11:18 AM

I love bacon, if God didn't want us to eat pigs why did he make them out of bacon and sausages ask us not to in the Torah?

View original

Anyway...

By the way you seem to have judged me as a Zionist. You are very wrong and I suspect judging by some of the things you say that we are agreed on many things.