Hi folks
Wrote this a while back. Read it after a few months, polished it & I upload here for your comments.
Appreciate any remarks as I know it's time-consuming.
http://www.fornetsake.com/Brothers_10Nov13.pdf
Thanks
Steve
Brothers - sitcom pilot
I couldn't access this. Sorry.
Praps you could cut and paste it on a new thread?
Pop a small section of it on here and we will gladly have a look.
Short extracts pasted in critique, like pretty girls at parties, get all the attention.
Thanks folks. The full above link all needs to be pasted into the address bar for the full file (it didn't catch the full URL).
I appreciate the time, and ehh it gets funnier AFTER the below bit 
INT. ROBERTO'S BEDROOM - MORNING
The brother's live in an apartment in the South Quays in Dublin City.
ROBERTO, the middle brother, 25 years old, lies in bed with a pretty girl draped over him. TARA, 23, is looking into Roberto's eyes and stroking his hair.
ROBERTO: Tara, you're not too toned! You are soft.
TARA: Squeezably soft?
Roberto gives her a squeeze and she giggles.
ROBERTO: Yea course. Am I soft?
TARA: (laugh) You are now.
ROBERTO: Have I told you that you've a lovely head.
TARA: Yea! You've a lovely head too.
Silence as they absorb how lovely their heads are.
TARA: I am very independent.
ROBERTO: Course
TARA: But that doesn't mean I'm selfish. I care. A lot.
ROBERTO: Yea of course you care
TARA: I have huge empathy for people.
ROBERTO: Huge empathy for people.
TARA: I know when people are sad. By looking at them.
ROBERTO: You know a sad looking person when you see one.
TARA: Last year I built houses in Haita for the the Haitians.
ROBERTO: A great bunch.
TARA: Are you charitable?
ROBERTO: Ah I do my bit.
TARA: (teasing) Go on then Roberto! How do you do your bit?
ROBERTO: Well my big brother Simon, I help him out. He does charity for The Simon Community.
TARA: Oh great.
ROBERTO: This year I'm doing Rally-drive for The Simon Community
TARA: What's that?
ROBERTO: Basically me and a bunch of other charitable fellas go rally-driving... for The Simon Community.
TARA: You're an actual great guy.
ROBERTO: That means a lot to me Tara.
Tara holds Roberto tight and holds her head close to his chest. We see a sly grin on Roberto's face.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING AREA - MORNING
The living area is large and is a living/dining/kitchen room. The walls are decorated with posters, tickets, photographs etc. There are 2 sofas surrounding a large lcd TV. There is a TV box, X-box, Playstation 3, DVD player and lots of DVD's and other electronic equipment all scattered in front of the TV. There is a dining table with 4 chairs next to the TV living space.
SIMON, the oldest brother, 32 years old, sits watching a football show on TV. He has a pint glass full of milk at hand.
He has one hand down his pants which he removes and he picks his nose.
CUT TO:
INT. ROBERTO'S BEDROOM - SHORTLY AFTER
Tara sitting up straddling Roberto.
TARA: Will I see your brothers when I leave?
ROBERTO: Yea, probably.
TARA: I'll be so embarrassed.
ROBERTO: Ah don't be. Young Weatherboy is a bit special and Simon will just be jealous.
TARA: Why will he be jealous?
Roberto takes Tara's head in his hands.
ROBERTO: (staring into Tara's eyes) Because Tara; you have a lovely head. (beat) You also have juicy squeezy bits.
Roberto starts pinching Tara and she wails laughing.
TARA: Stop it, stop it!
INT. LIVING AREA - BIT LATER
Roberto exits his bedroom which opens into the living area. Tara meekly follows.
ROBERTO: Simon; this is Tara. She's on her way.
Simon glances around and begins to rise.
SIMON: (rising to greet) Oh hey Tara. Simon has been talking and talking for ages about you!
Tara looks confused. Roberto goes to speak.
SIMON: I'm just joking!
ROBERTO: (to Tara) Yea he cracks that gag to all the girls I bring home.
Tara looks confused.
ROBERTO: I'm just joking! (changing topic) Weatherboy out?
SIMON: Yea he's at college. On a Saturday!
TARA: Well- Hi - Simon. Nice to meet you.
SIMON: (looks at his hand) Nice to meet you (shakes hands). Best of luck.
Roberto looks at Tara and smiles. He walks her towards the door. Simon stands watching them and winks at Roberto. They get to the door.
ROBERTO: A bit awkward! Great meeting you Tara.
TARA: Yea.
Simon stands watching them & listening intently. Roberto opens front door.
ROBERTO: I had a good time.
TARA: (longing eyes) I hope you did. What did you like best?
ROBERTO: I liked- (pause)
TARA: You do still like my head?
ROBERTO: (chortle) I do like your head.
TARA: (whispering) I like your big toe.
Roberto smiles awkwardly, aware of Simon listening.
ROBERTO: Well. I'll talk to ya soon.
Roberto gives her a small kiss on the cheek.
TARA: (pointing to phone) Call me.
ROBERTO: Talk to you soon. Very soon!
Tara kisses Roberto on lips. The kiss lingers longer than Roberto likes. Roberto directs Tara out of the room with a pat on the bottom.
ROBERTO: Talk soon!
Door closed. Tara gone. Roberto leans back against door and sighs audibly.
Simon shakes his head.
SIMON: Oh Rob, my hero, do you like my head?
ROBERTO: Simon, I don't know how these girls let me get away with it.
SIMON: Either do I!
Simon starts walking back to his seat at TV.
ROBERTO: I don't know what I do be saying to them. I've no control over what I say.
Simon sits and starts drinking his milk.
SIMON: Ah rubbish. You know exactly what to say!
ROBERTO: I don't know what to say, but I say exactly what I need to say.
SIMON: What?
ROBERTO: I just say- I don't know!
SIMON: Well. She seems pretty nice.
ROBERTO: She was nice. But am I?
SIMON: Oh Roberto you're grrrreat.
ROBERTO: Simon, it just takes so much out of me. I'm wrecked. And I'm dehydrated.
Roberto walks towards fridge in kitchen area. Simon still drinks his milk.
SIMON: You can handle it brother - you're a big strong boy! (break) Remember my friends will be over tonight to watch The Big Game.
ROBERTO: Yea yea, I remember.
Roberto reaches the fridge and is looking through. He takes out an empty milk carton and shakes it. Simon is still looking at him and drinks his pint of milk.
ROBERTO: (angry) Noooo! Did you finish the milk?
Simon takes a big gulp.
SIMON: (wiping his mouth) I'm a growing boy too.
ROBERTO: Simon!
Simon jumps onto the couch and gulps down the rest of his milk and rubs his belly.
SIMON: Mmm. Drink some milk Roberto. Creamy hydrating cow milk. (takes another gulp and starts drooling) It tastes so good.
ROBERTO: You milk hogging baby cow!
Roberto throws the empty milk carton at Simon.
Simon, completely over-reacting crashes backwards on top of TV and there is a loud crashing sounds.
INT. SCHRODINGER CAFE
The Schrodinger Cafe is (a fictional cafe) based at the science end of Trinity College Dublin. There are very few patrons. Those there are wrapped up warm, even the staff.
WEATHERBOY, youngest brother, a good-looking 21 year old, slightly disheveled, sits alone at a 4-person table. Spread out in front of him is his laptop, android tablet, a couple of science books and a notepad.
The table is filthy dirty with old food and dirt. He has a pen behind his ear. He moves from device to notepad to other device. He intermittently sips a coffee. He is wearing an absurdly oversized winter jacket.
WEATHERBOY: Hmmm.
DISINTERESTED WAITRESS, pretty, approaches carrying a pot of coffee.
DISINTERESTED WAITRESS: I know you. You're Weatherboy.
WEATHERBOY: (looking up) I am Weatherboy.
DISINTERESTED WAITRESS: Can I top you up? (nodding to cup)
Weatherboy looks bewildered.
WEATHERBOY: What?
DISINTERESTED WAITRESS: (nodding to cup) Can I top you up? It's free.
WEATHERBOY: You top up now?
DISINTERESTED WAITRESS: Normally we don't but it's a quiet Saturday and Super-Manager thinks it's a "swell" idea.
WEATHERBOY: Why is it quiet?
DISINTERESTED WAITRESS: Most people don't go to college at weekends.
WEATHERBOY: Yes. (nodding). Particularly with no imminent examinations.
DISINTERESTED WAITRESS: (nodding to cup) Yea. Can I top you up?
WEATHERBOY: (deciding) No.
DISINTERESTED WAITRESS: (turning away) OK
WEATHERBOY: Wait. Can you wipe down the table? It's soiled with ... I don't know what it is-
DISINTERESTED WAITRESS: I don't wipe down tables.
WEATHERBOY: Um.
Weatherboy drains his cup of coffee.
WEATHERBOY: OK. Top me up.
Waitress complies.
WEATHERBOY: You've a lovely head.
Waitress looks at Weatherboy with unease. She walks away shaking her head. Weatherboy returns to nerding away.
HAZEL/ HAZY, a spunky 21 year old, slightly alternative style, walks up to Weatherboy. She stands at table looking at Weatherboy who hasn't noticed her.
HAZEL: (authoritative voice) Mr. Oscar Ennis! I thought I'd find you here!
It needs a bit of work in two directions, first you need to separate the lines so its easier to follow.
Then I think you need to inject much more humour, it's to flat at the moment just bland banter, put more funny in and it will flow better.
It needs a bit of work in two directions, first you need to separate the lines so its easier to follow.
Then I think you need to inject much more humour, it's to flat at the moment just bland banter, put more funny in and it will flow better.
Your script has a lovely head.
In all seriousness, it's quite nice natural dialogue and seems like it might be setting things up. It is a little light on funny lines though, and you seem to be sidestepping the potential for reactions to possibly-the-wrong-thing-to-say lines like "all the girls I bring home..." and "best of luck"
I'm also plain confused when Simon says "Simon has been talking and talking for ages about you!". Was Simon meaning to implicate Robert or does he have a very weird habit of talking about himself in the third person.
Similarly, why does Roberto thinks the kiss with Tara with the lovely head is lingering too long? Is it because she has unorthodox technique or because Simon is cramping his style? Both say very different things, and are possibly funny in different ways.
And lastly, Simon drinking milk is not really setting a joke up unless you've already given the viewer reason to believe that Roberto will be annoyed about it.
If you can post the script on a less obnoxious download site than Mega I might actually read the rest of it, because I get the feeling if this works at all as comedy it's going to be down to the plot.
I enjoyed this and think it has legs.
The concept is kind of charming - the three grown up brothers, the playboy one, and not sure about the others yet, all living together.
I thought the dialogue flowed well - especially the first section between Roberto and Tara. I didn't get/the milk thingy didn't seem very funny or interesting. I wasn't sure where the cafe thing was going but that's because it was a short extract, I think. I'd like to see the bit where it gets funnier!
Alright folks. Thanks for comments. There's probably a bit too much fluff etc. - I was trying to develop a bit of natural back & forth. In any event I've fast forwarded for you. Plot A was in relation to the TV being broken & needing to be fixed in time for the big game. Plot B was a development with Hazel & Weatherboy. Again, genuine appreciation for comments.
I've put 3 scenes below.
INT. ELECTRONICS STORE - SALES/ INFO COUNTER
Simon at counter with a cable with a smug flamboyant 18 year old salesman.
SIMON: Is this Hid-my cable fit for purpose?
Roberto creeps up on Simon and is laughing.
ROBERTO: Simon. It's not a Hid-my cable! It's H-D-M-I. Jesus.
SALES-GUY: What purpose does it have to fit?
Simon removes a snapped in two HDMI cable.
SIMON: To replace this.
SALES-GUY: (inspecting) Yes. Yes. Absolutely fit for that purpose.
ROBERTO: (shows his cable) No. This ones better.
SIMON: Why?
ROBERTO: It's gold plated at the tip.
SALES-GUY: Oh no. That's just marketing gibberish. It's an obscene price!
ROBERTO: Well I'm an electronics engineer.
SALES-GUY: Well then I'm surprised you're so uninformed about HDMI cables. The gold tip is just gold paint.
SIMON: Robert - I'm surprised with you.
ROBERTO: No. This gold tip is important, it improves the signal. No dropped packets.
SALES-GUY: (laughing) Oh my, Robert. You've been duped by the marketing. These digital cables will either work or not work. It's not analogue!
SIMON: (shaking head, laughing) Oh Robert, Robert. It's not analogue.
SALES-GUY: (laughing loudly) Yea Robert. You must be the best at your job?
ROBERTO: (to SALES-GUY) What do you know?
SALES-GUY: I've been to the factory in Thailand. So I know quite a lot. They're the same cable except they dip that tip.
SIMON: You've been to Thailand?
SALES-GUY: I sure have. My manager brought me over with him to inspect our source factories last summer. Part of our company's Responsible Purchasing Programme.
STORE-MANAGER, an old crusty sleazy man walks over and puts arm around SALES-GUY.
STORE-MANAGER: This rascal here knows his equipment. I'm sure he'll see your needs are met.
SIMON: You the local store manager?
STORE-MANAGER: Yes I certainly am.
SIMON: Are you a buyer for this entire chain of stores?
STORE-MANAGER: No.
SIMON: Then there is no way this store paid for a local store manager to visit factories in Thailand.
STORE-MANAGER: They certainly did! I was charged with reviewing the factory conditions in Thailand!
SALES-GUY: (to Simon) How would you know anyway?
SIMON: How would I know?!
ROBERTO: (to Sales-Guy) I wouldn't question his knowledge. He's an actual know-it-all.
SALES-GUY: (to Simon) But how would you know?
SIMON: (mock upset) How dare you question my knowledge. I know.
ROBERTO: (to Sales-Guy) If he knows he knows he knows mate. So just leave it off.
STORE-MANAGER: Don't pay heed to these Peter, they're just messers.
Store-Manager walks away.
ROBERTO: (to Sales-Guy) Jesus mate. You might be right about that gold tip but I hope that great wisdom didn't come at a great personal cost. (nodding towards Store-Manager)
SIMON: We'll take this cheap one. (hands him non gold cable). You should be careful around that pervert.
INT. ELECTONICS STORE - Shortly after
Simon and Roberto walking out of store.
ROBERTO: You didn't know anything?
SIMON: If you don't know but you feel you know that if you say you know and they don't know that you don't know, you're halfway there, you know?
INT. Hazel's apartment
Hazel and Weatherboy are sitting on a sofa in the living area. Hazel looks a bit unsettled and is staring right into Weatherboy's eyes. Weatherboy has a typically blank expression.
HAZEL: Rafter will miss me... certainly physically.
(mirthless laugh)
(pause)
I'm open minded. Just so you know.
WEATHERBOY: OK.
HAZEL: I have been described as very generous. You know?
WEATHERBOY: I believe you probably have been described in such a manner.
HAZEL: I think it's an accurate description. I care about other people. I do my best to care anyway.
WEATHERBOY: It's important to be care-full.
HAZEL: I'm full of care.
(break)
Do you want to take you coat off?
WEATHERBOY: I need it for protection against Rafter.
HAZEL: Oh yea. But it looks stupid.
WEATHERBOY: I know. Let's open all the windows.
HAZEL: Why?
WEATHERBOY: We need to make the flat freezing cold.
HAZEL: Why?
WEATHERBOY: So Rafter doesn't find it inappropriate that I'm wearing this oversized igloo jacket indoors.
HAZEL: Oh. Great idea Weatherboy! I'll turn off the heat and say it broke.
They run about their business opening all the windows.
CUT TO:
INT. Hazel's apartment
Hazel is squeezed up against Weatherboy on the living room couch. The couch backs onto a wide open window and a strong cold breeze is blowing straight at them. Hazel shivers. The buzzer sounds.
HAZEL: OK. I hope this doesn't kick off like last time he moved his things out.
WEATHERBOY: What?
Hazel gets up and buzzes door. Door opens directly into living room. RAFTER, a feeble-looking 20 year old with his right arm in a sling arrives with his friend BIG BASTARD, a large strong 25 year old.
They walk into living room.
RAFTER: Hazy; please, please no trouble. (looking around) Why is it freezing?
HAZEL: What the hell is Big Bastard doing here?
Big_Bastard: Jaysus you need a jacket like this clown (nodding to Weatherboy) it's so cold in here.
(to Hazel)
It's been a while sweetheart, still crazy?
HAZEL: (to Rafter) I can't believe you Rafter! Coming in here and threatening me with Big Bastard!
Hazel starts punching at Rafter. Big Bastard intervenes and holds them apart. Weatherboy is standing and looks on motionless.
Big_Bastard: Who are you?
WEATHERBOY: (uncomfortable) I am a person who is acquainted with Hazel.
HAZEL: (shaking off Big_Bastard, calming down) Let me go! Weatherboy, get Big Bastard off me!
Big Bastard starts laughing.
Big_Bastard: Weatherboy. Stupid name.
HAZEL: Get him Weatherboy! Get him!
Weatherboy takes a step forward, but immediately takes a step back.
RAFTER: OK. Please. Let's all just simmer down.
HAZEL: You're such a dude. Who says simmer down?
Big_Bastard: Weatherboy. You just stay frosty, alright mate?
Big Bastard lets Hazel go but stands between her and Rafter. Rafter walks around starting to collect cd's, DVD's, books etc...
WEATHERBOY: (to Rafter) What happened your arm?
RAFTER: She-
Hazel kicks Rafter.
RAFTER: I fell.
Big_Bastard: (obviously sarcastic) Yea. He just fell. (to Weatherboy) You're a brave fella going out with Crazy Cow.
HAZEL:No. No that's it. Get out!
Big_Bastard: Hey sweetheart, just stay frosty like Weatherboy here. Keep it cool.
WEATHERBOY: OK Big bastard, that's quite enough. Don't speak to Hazel in such an inappropriate manner. I insist.
Big_Bastard: Ohhh. I'll speak to this FruitLoop anyway I want you weather freak.
HAZEL: That's it. That is it! Get out right now! Now!
Big_Bastard starts laughing but Rafter isn't.
RAFTER: OK fine. We're going. We're going now. Please don't explode.
Big_Bastard: Jaysus Rafter, I'd say she's a f**king animal in the sack. A little pocket rocket eh?
Hazel wails lougly.
She goes crazy and starts flailing at Big Bastard. She grabs the flower vase, the ash tray, cups, anything she can get her hands on. She violently throws them at Big Bastard and Rafter.
HAZEL: Get out! Get outttttttttttttttt! I hate you! I hate you!
Weatherboy is forced backwards by Big Bastard and Rafter as Hazel throws the items and flails wildly. Hazel get's hold of a golf club that was lying on the floor and starts swinging towards Big Bastard. He reverses aggressively into Weatherboy.
HAZEL: You big bastard! I will tear your ugly head off!
Big_Bastard: Holy Jesus.
RAFTER: Please please please please
Weatherboy stumbles backwards and falls out the window.
Rafter, Big Bastard and Hazel all stop dead and look at each other - realising what has happened.
RAFTER: Oh Shit.
Hazel squeals very loudly and runs out of the apartment.
Big_Bastard: Sure we're only up one storey. He'll be grand.
INT. LIVING AREA
Music plays. Roberto is standing near the kitchen talking to FRISKY JOHN and PETE.
ROBERTO: So I says to her; Love, I need to rehydrate.
Frisky JOHN: You were dehydrated?
ROBERTO: I was juiceless. Completely out of juice.
PETE: You were completely dry?
Simon is sitting talking to SWEET ASHLEIGH and TANYA.
SIMON: I said to her; You have a very nice personality and I enjoyed spending this evening in your company.
SWEET ASHLEIGH: And what did she say?
SIMON: She said she wished she could say the same, but-
TANYA: What a weapon!
SWEET ASHLEIGH: That is bang out of order.
SIMON: She went on, right, she said she found my company to be perfectly adequate if she wanted a partner devoid of charisma, sexuality or-
SWEET ASHLEIGH: Bang out of order!
TANYA: That is just bang out of order!
SIMON: Or- right. Get this, or the ability to get her-
LOUD NOISE as Mother and Weatherboy fall into the room.
MOTHER: I'm wet!
WEATHERBOY: She got wet bringing you sandwiches!
Simon and Roberto walk over to mother.
MOTHER: Oh I'm okay boys.
SIMON: You have it?
MOTHER: Right here (signalling bag in right hand).
Simon swoops in and takes the bag.
SIMON: Thanks so much!
Simon takes a replacement digital box out of the bag.
MOTHER: I'm not late am I?
ROBERTO: You're a bit late mum.
Simon starts setting up television. All the guests walk towards Mother and greet her.
SIMON: It's ok. We'll catch all the second half. Obviously it's not ideal mum, but at least you eventually got here.
WEATHERBOY: Simon, we need to talk. Immediately.
There's something endearingly off-the-wall about that shop scene which I quite like, the scene with the fighting could use some more creative insults but could be funny with the right director. The third scene seems to be going somewhere till the wet mom comes in and dampens the humour.
There seem to be multiple plot threads, which may or may not come together beautifully: can't tell from the snippets here.
Quote: enigmatic @ 11th November 2013, 10:42 PM GMTYour script has a lovely head.
I'm also plain confused when Simon says "Simon has been talking and talking for ages about you!". Was Simon meaning to implicate Robert or does he have a very weird habit of talking about himself in the third person.
Thanks enigmatic for all your comments.
You're right about above - it's a typo and should read "Rob has..." or "Roberto has..."
I uploaded it to a less offensive location than MEGA.
I have a few ideas for next my re-write, but before I dive in I am soaking up any further comments.
Thanks again.