"Last Orders" Sitcom Pilot

Hi all!

My name is Tom Corbett, I'm an aspiring comedy writer, and have been working on a pub based sitcom script with my co-writer (Tom Stratton) for 4 years now. This weekend just gone, we filmed an edited down taster script for the series, currently in post-production.

Our budget was small, but we are over joyed with the cast and how it's looking already.

Summary

"Last Orders" is a sitcom based in an old fashioned boozer in an unidentified English town. The landlord has left the pub in the semi-capable hands of two post graduate drifters called MATT and ANDY for the past few years, and on the most part, they've created a popular bar for various loners and oddballs.

All this is changed, when a new manager is hired to liven the place up. AARON Harpin hits the pub like a force of nature, destroying the little haven Matt, Andy and the various regulars had grown so fond of.

Below is a raw taster clip to get a feel for the style, and an official cast shot, including SARAH, the barmaid and possible love interest to Matt, and oddball loner and military buff PHIL.

Aaron is lambasting one of resident old soak CHRIS about his excessive drinking on a previous night.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SowrR_EW9lI

http://i1364.photobucket.com/albums/r729/Tom2574_95/CastImage_zps10aec6c0.jpg

Bump. Any feedback on the clip? Actors, pacing, delivery?

Its not a great clip... it's out of context. And why have the clapperboard and post cut laughing in it?? Sorry to be mean but at the mo it looks like a film school exercise. Put something meaningful up with some dramatic shape to the scene and you will get more detailed analysis I am sure.

"Its not a great clip... it's out of context. And why have the clapperboard and post cut laughing in it?? Sorry to be mean but at the mo it looks like a film school exercise. Put something meaningful up with some dramatic shape to the scene and you will get more detailed analysis I am sure."

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

It's a rush, not a finished scene, hence why it's in critique and not showcase. It's currently in post, needs grading and sound mastery. I'd hoped my brief text before hand at given the scene some context, just interested to see if Aarons hubris and Chris' indifference "landed".

It was referencing things that happened in the past so in that sense it didn't work contextually, i.e not believable. Picking up the bottle and talking of what happened off stage. Have things happen on stage otherwise that kind of dialogue becomes mannered and not contextual is what I meant.

Too be honest its a bit pointless, all it shows is you had a jolly filming it.

Thank you for the feedback guys. I'll hopefully get a more "complete" scene uploaded soon. And keep an eye out for the completed pilot.

Will do, although everyone likes a drink no one likes a drunk doesn't seem terribly original

Exactly the kind of sound bite, management schpeel the Aaron character would come out with.

Ala David Brent.

What about Aaron saying "everyone likes a drink but no one likes a drunk"
Then we hear an elderly female voice off "I do"

What if he says "everyone likes a drink, but stay off the crack you mad c**t" that could work

Quote: Tom Corbett @ November 1 2013, 2:03 PM GMT

Ala David Brent.

View original

This was the first thing that struck me. Be careful with that.

It might have potential but not enough was shown.

Nice that you have a crew, equipment and actors.
I wish you all the luck and look forward to seeing more.
(where you will then get honest critique)

Quote: Jennie @ 1st November 2013, 6:50 PM GMT

This was the first thing that struck me. Be careful with that.

View original

Is that legal advice?

I found it impossible to get any sense of what was going on. A teaser clip should really hint at something rather than baffling the viewers. Without your description above I'd be completely lost.

Also, four years seems a very long time to have spent working on a pilot script. Is there a bit more background to the crew behind this and why you've persevered for so long?