Sitcom Pilot - Opening

Hi, this is the opening scene from a sitcom I am working on about Roadies.

Honest and open critiques most welcome. I'm not precious, honest.

I should probably post the scene that follows this one as well, to give it a bit of context, if anyone is interested?

Thanks

INT. DENNY'S BUNK - 09:43AM

BLACKNESS. JUST THE SOUND OF SHALLOW BREATHING.

THE PEACE IS SHATTERED BY A SUDDEN HAND AS IT PIERCES THE CURTAIN AND SHAKES OUR SNORER BACK TO LIFE.

SOLOMON (O.S):
Get up we're late.

THE LIGHT STREAMING IN THROUGH THE CURTAIN REVEALS THE INTERIOR OF A COFFIN SIZED BUNK BED AND IT'S OCCUPANT.

DENNY WILSON LIES BETWEEN WORLDS. A MIDDLE AGED, MISANTHROPIC WEST MIDLANDER AND A MESS. SPORTING A COMB-OVER LIKE A CAR CRASH, HE HAS A HANGOVER TO MATCH.

THE HAND BELONGS TO SOLOMON TRIFFORD, A SOUTH LONDON CHARMER AS SUNNY AS A SUMMERS AFTERNOON. BUT NOT TODAY. TODAY HIS VOICE HAS A PANICKED URGENCY ABOUT IT.

SOLOMON:
Come on, it's 'alf nine.

DENNY'S EYES FLUTTER AS LIGHT FORCES IT'S WAY UNDER HIS LIDS.

DENNY:
I need to shave my tongue.

SOLOMON RECOILS AS DENNY'S BREATHE FILLS HIS NOSTRILS.

SOLOMON:
You need to brush your teeth Rasta, it smells like an old lady has farted piss into your mouth. Come on, get up.

DENNY (still slapping his gums): Hmm? What time is it?

SOLOMON:
It's half past nine! We're late.

DENNY'S DREAMWORLD IMPLODES. HIS LEGS THRASH WILDLY UNDER THE COVERS. EVERY TWIST TANGLES HIM MORE WITHIN THE BLANKET.

DENNY:
Oh, Jesus Christ!

DENNY'S THRASHING THROWS HIM FROM HIS BUNK WITH A YELP. STILL COCOONED IN THE BLANKETS HE HITS THE FLOOR HARD.

INT. TOUR BUS - CORRIDOR - DAY

BACKGROUND: DENNY RISES FROM HIS SHROUD FULLY CLOTHED AND DISHEVELED, HIS SPARSE CROP OF HAIR JUTTING OUT WILDLY ON ONE SIDE.

SOLOMON STROLLS TOWARDS US. CLEAN, LEAN AND PRISTINE. 37 YEARS OLD AND NOT DISPLAYING A DAY ABOVE 30. HE LOOKS LIKE HE SMELLS. AMAZING. EVERY FACET OF HIS IMAGE HAS BEEN SCULPTED WITH INTENT. HIS ONLY ROUGH EDGE, DESIGNER STUBBLE.

SOLOMON WHIPS OPEN THE CURTAIN OF ANOTHER BUNK AS HE PASSES AND GIVES IT'S RESIDENT A NICE HARD SLAP ON THE CHEEK.

C.U: THE SLAPPED RESIDENT

THE LIGHT IS ON AND PAUL CONNOLLY (LATE 20'S, PREMATURELY GRAYING, DRUNKEN IRISH LOUD MOUTH), IS SURROUNDED BY EMPTY MINI CHOCOLATE BAR WRAPPERS. HIS FORTY-A-DAY YELLOW TONGUE LOLLS OUT FROM BETWEEN MERLOT STAINED TEETH. BLACKENED LIPS AND BLEARY EYES EXPOUND THE TALE OF LAST NIGHTS EXCESS.

THE SLAP ROUSES HIM MOMENTARILY. HE MUTTERS SOME UNINTELLIGIBLE ABUSE TOWARDS HIS ASSAILANT AND SETTLES BACK DOWN TO SLEEP.

CORRIDOR - AS BEFORE:

DENNY HURRIEDLY GATHERS HIS THINGS AND CHARGES DOWN THE GANGWAY.

HE STEPS ON HIS SHOELACE AND FALLS ARSE OVER TIT DOWN THE STAIRS.

INT. DOWNSTAIRS TOUR BUS - STAIRS - LOOKING UP - DAY

DENNY CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR OUT OF SHOT.

DENNY (O.O.S):
Aghh... Jesus... CHRIST!

HE STANDS AND STRAIGHTENS HIMSELF OUT.

DENNY:
Bloody dangerous that is.

HOBBLING OVER TO THE DOOR, HE HITS THE RELEASE BUTTON. THE DOOR SLIDES OPEN FLOODING THE BUS WITH LIGHT.

INT. BACKSTAGE - SOLOMON'S JOURNEY TO WORK - 09:45AM

SOLOMON STROLLS TOWARDS A TRUCK THAT'S BEING UNLOADED BY EIGHT LOCAL CREW GUYS, ALL UNDER THE WAYWARD BUT WATCHFUL EYE OF BRIAN. A BALD LUMP A TRUCK DRIVER.

BRIAN:
Now hold on, hold on. You know I'm disabled.

SOLOMON COLLECTS A WARDROBE CASE AS IT COMES DOWN THE RAMP AND WHEELS IT ONE HANDED INTO THE VENUE, HIS FREE HAND FINGERS HIS PHONE. HE GREETS AND HAS A LITTLE JOKE WITH EVERYONE HE PASSES.

TWO CATERING GIRLS PASS WITH A BASHFUL SMILE. SOLOMON TURNS TO ADMIRE THEM WALKING AWAY. THE SHIT EATING GRIN ON HIS FACE FALLS AS HE TURNS BACK TO SEE VERA PINSON. FIVE FEET FOUR INCHES OF VERY FROSTY FEMALE.

SOLOMON'S SWAGGER EVAPORATES.

SOLOMON:
Tina, I heard you was on this tour. Suprised I ain't seen you before now.

TINA PULLS THE FACE ONLY WOMEN CAN, HER EYES DISEMBOWELLING SOLOMON.

SOLOMON:
So, how've you been?

VERA SIGHS AND RAISES A VOICEBOX TO HER THROAT.

VERA (voicebox):
Prick.

VERA PUSHES SOLOMON ASIDE AND WALKS AWAY. SOLOMON SHAKES HIS HEAD AND CONTINUES HIS JOURNEY.

INT. CORRIDOR TO DRESSING ROOMS - DAY

SOLOMON PUSHES THE WARDROBE CASE DOWN THE CORRIDOR AND STOPS OUTSIDE A ROOM WITH A PIECE OF PAPER STUCK ON THE DOOR THAT READS LEO SAYER.

INT. LEO SAYER'S DRESSING ROOM - FACING THE DOOR - DAY

A PAIR OF LEGS WITH CLOWN SHOED FEET HANGS IN THE FOREGROUND SWAYING GENTLY.

THE DOOR OPENS AND SOLOMON WHEEL'S THE FLIGHT CASE INSIDE. HE LOOKS UP.

SOLOMON:
Oh, you shit c**t.

BLACKOUT:

I'm getting deja vu - have you posted this before?

Same characters. But an entirely different story.

Your descriptions are a bit... literary. And also long. I realise there's a certain fashion for stylish descriptions of the action in Hollywood screenplays - sometimes to prove the writer can write *despite* the wooden dialogue - but this ain't Hollywood, and even in Hollywood someone waking their friend up isn't dramatic enough to warrant

"BLACKNESS. JUST THE SOUND OF SHALLOW BREATHING.

THE PEACE IS SHATTERED BY A SUDDEN HAND..."

... unless you're making a horror movie.

Assessing the script on its comic potential, I've read what would be the first three pages and got two lines of dialogue that might raise a chuckle, two more that might indicate future plot development, and about forty lines of description that tells us every detail about the action except what might make it particularly funny.

I'd need to read more to know if your idea grabs me anyway, but I feel I should at least be able to tell if you're funny after reading that much.

I'm also confused by the idea of a guy with a combover being addressed as Rasta.

Agree with Enigmatic. I think your over-flowery style comes from a desire to direct it - unfortunately, you don't get to do that. This bit strikes me as a pre-credits bit - nothing is really happening, you are just introducing characters. Maybe give us a bit more action to spice it up - have them racing for the tour bus or something. It's a bit pedestrian at the moment.

Ok with this and the follow up you've got an interesting set up, a good plot, with fairly original characters.
All good and a lot to build on.

Now for the bad, your directions are ridiculous and flowery, that's the directors job.
The dialogue in this extract is good though.

Correct on both counts Jennie. This is a credits sequence bit and it has been written with a mind to direct it myself but I take your point(s) on board about the over descriptiveness of the action. Thank you all.

Does it work over all in conjunction with the other scene?

The main thing is you write quite well. I agree with the others, it needs clipping a little but I do see promise.

What the others said. And when you say "TINA PULLS THE FACE ONLY WOMEN CAN, HER EYES DISEMBOWELLING SOLOMON." I'm guessing that's because you introduced her as Vera Pinson. No wonder she's pissed off.