PRIVATE MEN - feedback welcome

Hi, this is the opening scene of a Private Detective agency sitcom, PRIVATE MEN, I have written and I would really appreciate feedback and the opinions of comedy peers.

If you like it or hate it so much that you would like to read the full script just PM me and thanks for reading.

EXT. MAIN OFFICE. MORNING
9.23 AM. Thursday.

THE BOSS OF THIS PRIVATE DETECTIVE AGENCY IS JIM LIMBHYMN, 45, WEARING THE SAME SHIRT FOR TWO DAYS, PERMA-STRESSED, CHUBBY WITH A HIGH OPINION OF HIMSELF, BERATES HIS EMPLOYEE.

HIS PROTÉGÉ TOM BONBALM, 25, A YOUNG IMMATURE PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR WHO IS ON THE WAITING LIST TO BE ACCEPTED INTO THE POLICE FORCE ONE DAY BUT LACKS THE SKILL. STAFF STARE.

LIMBHYMN
That's another case screwed this year and it's only God damn March.

BONBALM
That's only three bad cases in ten months. April, October, March. Oh I thought you were talking about the fiscal year. Next time, specify.

LIMBHYMN
Do you also need me to specify to wipe your arse after you crap?

BONBALM
That was once and a secret.

LIMBHYMN
You couldn't catch a serial killer even if you saw him red handed.

BONBALM
That was once. I mistook it for paint and he said he was that art guy no-one alive's seen. How could I have known he was lying?

FEMALE CO-WORKER
What, Banksy? That's low.

BONBALM
No, Leonardo da Vinci, but I'm not that bad.

LIMBHYMN
What about the case where you accused an unborn baby as the petty cash thief?

BONBALM
Gonna have to be more specific, I've done that five times this fiscal year.

LIMBHYMN
This is precisely why you're below Justin on this agency's commission chart and he's only here because school's closed.

JUSTIN, A BLACK EIGHT-YEAR-OLD CHILD, NODS.

BONBALM
I'm un-belittle-ladle, we all know his dad Brian did most the legwork.

BRIAN, 40, BLACK, AN EMPLOYEE, STOPS FROM HIS FAXING.

BRIAN
Why do you assume that he's my kid?

BONBALM
Because you're both--

BRIAN
Both what exactly? Both fans of Peter Andre? Dolly Parton?

BONBALM
My bad, he's not your son. Sorry.

BRIAN
You're a terrible detective, course he's my son. You think he's Jim's, he's so white he gets sunburnt when he looks at his phone too long.

LIMBHYMN
That actually happened twice.

BRIAN
And he'd need to have had sexual intercourse with a girl first.

LIMBHYMN
I wouldn't say that. Bonbalm, you just need to grow up.

BONBALM
I am a grown up person, I just need a little guidance. I'm like a choo-choo train with no tracks.

MCLAREN-FORD, A SQUARE-JAWED JERK WITH A DEEP CONDESCENDING VOICE, THE SELF-PROCLAIMED BEST DETECTIVE HERE, BURSTS THROUGH THE OFFICE DOORS.

MCLAREN-FORD
The footballer's chlamydia case sealed, dealed--
(sings wrong lyrics)
And kissed by a rose scales I weigh Sealed. His Spanish maid confessed everything to me. Bring back Kilmer #NoDisrespectToBenAffleck.

LIMBHYMN
But you're terrible at getting people to open up. It's like my Dad would say, used to say, my Dad--

LIMBHYMN SMILES AS A HAPPY YET SAD THOUGHT ENTERS HIS MIND.

LIMBHYMN (CONT'D)
Anyway, how'd you get her to talk?

MCLAREN-FORD
Easy. Like Gosling, we didn't talk.

MCLAREN-FORD DROPS HIS TROUSERS, REVEALING HIS STD-RAVAGED GENITALS. EVERYONE GASPS IN HORROR. A FEMALE CO-WORKER INSTANTLY VOMITS AND IT EXPLODES OUT HER CUPPED HANDS, SHE RUNS AWAY TO GET CLEANED UP.

BONBALM
It's like someone's turned a calzone inside out, so like a pizza basically.

MCLAREN-FORD
She also gave me herpes, warts, syphilis, premature ejaculation--

BONBALM
You don't catch that from sex.

MCLAREN-FORD
Yes you can. Don't research that.

BRIAN
Why would you sleep with her if you knew she was infected?

MCLAREN-FORD
Because I am Bruce Willing to go as far as needed and then several STIs further to get my commission. Now everyone give it the eye contact it deserves, not up here at my eyes, down there on my di-- ICK.

LIMBHYMN
(shouts)
Everyone eye contact for his dick!

EVERYONE PEERS THROUGH SQUINTED EYES AS HE WAGGLES HIS COCK.

MCLAREN-FORD
Now I feel a draft that's making it crust over and is demoralising my girth so it's going away.

THE SEEMINGLY DOWDY FEMALE RECEPTIONIST, 25, GETS OFF THE RECEPTION PHONE AND WAVES A PAPER LEAD.

RECEPTIONIST
Fresh lead.

MCLAREN-FORD GOES TO GRAB IT.

RECEPTIONIST (CONT'D)
The client didn't ask for you liver dick, she wants Tom.

MCLAREN-FORD
(tongue tied)
Are you sure you didn't mishear? Tom Bonbalm, Mclaren-Ford, Tom Bonbalm, Mclaren-Ford, Tom Bonbalm.

BONBALM
If she asked for me cheese balls, she asked for me-- cheese balls.

MCLAREN-FORD
10/10 for originality, NOT, and the only time a woman asks for you is when she tells you to stop wanking in the bushes with your hand.

BONBALM
(halfheartedly squares up)
Hand, what else would I wank with? An orange.

LIMBHYMN
Boys, it's Bonbalm's case also I'm riding shotgun 'cause I'm tired of sitting behind a desk and my protégé is a reflection on me.

BRIAN
That's a death trap not a desk.

REVEAL LIMBHYMN'S DESK, MESSY BEYOND BELIEF. A RAT SCUTTLES.

LIMBHYMN
It's not so bad.

BRIAN
My last two death cases were both solved and caused in there.

BONBALM TRIES TO LET MCLAREN-FORD DROP THE LEAD SLOWLY INTO HIS HAND WITHOUT TOUCHING BUT THEN MCLAREN-FORD GRABS HIS HAND. BONBALM PASSES THEM BOTH TO THE COAT RACK.

MCLAREN-FORD
Yeah don't forget your boyfriend.

LIMBHYMN
He's not my boyfriend.

BONBALM RETURNS WITH A RED WOOLLY HAT IN HAND.

BONBALM
(like a girlfriend would)
I bought you this, I didn't want you to catch the sniffles.

LIMBHYMN
Thanks babe.
(then to Mclaren-Ford)
Also not my boyfriend, we're individual people.
TOM BONBALM STICKS ON A MATCHING RED WOOLLY HAT AS HE LEAVES WITH LIMBHYMN.

LIMBHYMN
Stop making me look the fool.

LIMBHYMN PUSHES THE DOOR BUT IT'S JAMMED. HE JIGGLES IT.

BONBALM
It says pull.

LIMBHYMN
I know.

HE PULLS AND THEY LEAVE INTO THE CORRIDOR.

MCLAREN-FORD
Now the rest of you can enjoy a dick so big it opens for Coldplay.

HE FLOPS HIS PENIS BACK OUT JUST AS THE FEMALE CO-WORKER RE-ENTERS HAVING CLEANED HERSELF UP.

FEMALE CO-WORKER
I managed to clean up, luckily it mostly only went on my hands.

HER EYES CATCH HIS PENIS AGAIN AND SHE VOMITS ONTO IT.

MCLAREN-FORD
It kind of looks no worse.

I have read it twice and I still cannot make my mind up...

McLaren-Ford sounds just like Stan from American Dad -

MCLAREN-FORD
She also gave me herpes, warts, syphilis, premature ejaculation--

BONBALM
You don't catch that from sex.

MCLAREN-FORD
Yes you can. Don't research that.

The whole infected penis thing is a bit fantastical and might suit a cartoon better.

I like some of the dialogue -

LIMBHYMN
You couldn't catch a serial killer even if you saw him red handed.

BONBALM
That was once. I mistook it for paint and he said he was that art guy no-one alive's seen. How could I have known he was lying?

Though I would have left it at "I mistook it for paint..."

But then -

LIMBHYMN
What about the case where you accused an unborn baby as the petty cash thief?

BONBALM
Gonna have to be more specific, I've done that five times this fiscal year.

I like surreal and odd, but Bonbalm accusing unborns of the same crime 5 times is jarringly incongruous, even within the perameters of a sitcoms own surreal world.

Also the Black man & son felt like a Gag that had been parachuted in. If they work in the office are they regular characters? Wouldn't everyone know he brought his son to work?

I suppose I thought it felt a bit like a mix of an anarchic Young ones style Sit com and Family Guy/American Dad. Which of course might be just what you were aiming for!

Anyway it is far better than my Detective Agency sit com I penned about 15 years ago which was a cross between something bland and something blander...

I liked it. I thought it was witty and pacy, with no excess.

MCLAREN-FORD
The footballer's chlamydia case sealed, dealed--
(sings wrong lyrics)
And kissed by a rose scales I weigh Sealed. His Spanish maid confessed everything to me. Bring back Kilmer #NoDisrespectToBenAffleck.

I didn't get this bit: Is he singing 'signed, sealed, delivered...?"

A bit curious as to why the female co-worker (and receptionist) have no name?

I liked the title too. You could call it "Private Dicks" or would that be too much?

Agree with Playfull, re. unborn baby accused. I reckon there's a good joke there waiting to happen. Agree also with the whole black joke thing - that felt dated.

good luck, George - at least you know what you're writing. (self-indulgent weep)

thanks for the advice. changed the unborn baby and gave the female co-worker an identity etc.

The Receptionist not having a name is a running joke of no-one bothering to learn her name.

and the changing the signed sealed delivered to just 'sealed' is more about the Mclaren-Ford character name dropping a pop culture reference to Kissed by a Rose by Seal.

Good dialogue.Convincing.

Your dialogue is quite amusing but your structure ain't.

You're chucking out some good lines but because it's 2 characters just swopping them it's more wearing than witty.

Also I read the description and thought, that's a good idea failed PI mentoring callow youth whose about to become a real copper. But it doesn't come over at all.

So good lines, but fix them around an actual relationship.

Quote: sootyj @ October 27 2013, 10:05 AM GMT

Your dialogue is quite amusing but your structure ain't.

You're chucking out some good lines but because it's 2 characters just swopping them it's more wearing than witty.

View original

I agree with this. Some nice gags, but I got a bit tired waiting for it to go somewhere.

Some funny lines.

The set-up for a show is interesting and potentially very fruitful.

Far too much back and forth banter, let's get to whatever the story is quicker, rather than just pages of insults and gross out stuff. Story and character is king, not just how many funny lines you can squeeze in.

You're not setting up the scene as you go along well enough; characters are suddenly present who we had no idea were there. When I started reading I had no idea there was anyone else in the office until they suddenly say or do something. 'Staff Stare' up top is not enough, a script isn't just line after line of dialogue, you need to be able to use description well too.

Too much gross out stuff; all the dick and puking stuff.

That girlfriend bit, and the 'Thanks babe' response is basically a Pegg/Frost bit you've slid into your script.

Up top you describe the characters too much; these things should come out of what they say and do, the audience can't read your script to fill in the blanks.

Whittle it down, get to the point.

But yes, it made me smirk a couple of times.