YXY? Sitcom pilot - scene 1- responses please

hi, I'd like to put forward my first scene for a pilot episode I've just completed. The story revolves around a transgendered male and her relationships.

I have been told by a friend that a lot of the general public won't get the reference to a certain sexual practice so I have an alternative scene that includes most of the following script but substitutes the practice for a more widely known one. Hope you enjoy

YXY - Pilot Episode - Scene 1 - Page 1

Int: Kitchen of Gran - Mid afternoon
Sophie enters through exterior door carrying two bags of shopping.

Sophie
(Calling)
Hi Gran, it's just me

Gran (O.O.V.)
Oh hello love, you alright?

Sophie
Yes thanks...I was just passing and thought I'd pick you up a few bits from the supermarket.

Gran (O.O.V.)
Ooh thanks love. First day back at work tomorrow isn't it?

Sophie
Yes Gran.

Gran (O.O.V.)
Dressed as a girl?

Sophie
Yes Gran.

Gran (O.O.V.)
They'd have shot you ya know...during the war.

Sophie
Really Gran?
(Shakes head, smiling, as she puts shopping away)

Gran (O.O.V.)
Oh yes. They'd have put you against a wall and shot you...for being a whoopsie.

Sophie
You sure about that Gran? I thought that only happened in Germany

Gran (O.O.V.)
Well maybe, but they'd have taken one look at you and said 'Voss is dass?' and that would have been it, up against a wall and 'BANG'.

Sophie
Well thankfully things have changed a bit since then Gran.
And I'm not a whoopsie Gran, I'm transgender.

Gran (O.O.V.)
Ooh yes, things have definitely changed. Which reminds me, what's book ache?

Sophie
Erm, well I'm not really sure, but if I had to make an educated guess I would say it's probably some sort of repetitive strain injury...possibly common amongst librarians. What context is it in?

Gran (O.O.V.)
It was in one of those message thingies, the ones from that dating site.

Sophie
Are you still using that Gran?

Gran (O.O.V.)
Well, you know, it's just a bit of fun.

Sophie
(Walks into adjoining room, finds gran sitting at table at laptop, gives her a kiss and looks over her shoulder at the screen)
I see you're still down as being twenty seven years old Gran.

Gran
Well I got the numbers the wrong way round didn't I...and everybody lies about their age on these things anyway.

Sophie
(Takes a seat opposite gran)
Yeah, by four or five years Gran; not forty five years. So what does this message say?

Gran
(Looks at screen and starts to move mouse around)
Just a second...let me find it...Here we go.
(Clears throat and reads message)
Hi there, Looked at your profile and liked what I saw. I'm trying to arrange a book ache session for a few friends at the end of the month and was wondering if you'd like to join us. Look forward to hearing from you, Hunglow69, kiss, kiss, kiss, smiley face.

Sophie
(Confused and somewhat horrified look on her face)
Erm, just spell book ache for me would you Gran.

Gran
(Spells out)
B-U-K-K-A-K-E

Sophie
(Horrified)
That's bukkake Gran

Gran
(Smiling)
That sounds exotic. So, would I be interested in a session of that?

Sophie
No Gran, I don't think so.
(Under her breath, aside)
Not if I ever want to have nightmare free sleep again you don't.

Gran
Oh right, fair enough. And how's David?

Sophie
He's...alright, I think.

Gran
He's a good lad that David, brave as a lion.

Sophie
(Smiling)
Yeah, he's a good lad.

Gran
Do you remember that time over the park when those big lads were picking on you?

Sophie
Yes Gran.

Gran
(Emphasises by adopting a fighting stance)
Like a flash, there he was, telling 'em that if they wanted you they'd have to go through him first.

Sophie
Yes Gran, I remember.

Gran
(Pauses as if remembering the day herself)
You both took a wallopin' that day didn't you?

Sophie
Yes Gran.

Gran
Which reminds me, that postman's' been down the street again.

Sophie
(Looks confused)
Err, I'm pretty sure that's their job Gran, walking down streets and stuff. It'd be pretty hard for them to do their job otherwise.

Gran
(Shakes her head)
Not the normal one, not that miserable old bleeder. The young one, the one who was working when you stayed over those few weeks.

Sophie
Oh that one?

Gran
(Smiling impishly)
Yes, that one. I reckon he might be trying to bump into you...mayhap he's got the hots for you.

Sophie
Gran!

Gran
Well you never know.

Sophie
(Looks out towards the window)
I only really saw him that one time...when I had to sign for that package.

Gran
Well I'll keep an eye out for him, maybe I'll invite him in for a cuppa, see what he's after.

Sophie
Well you really shouldn't be inviting strange men into the house Gran but it's up to you. You never did tell me what was in that package Gran.

Gran
(Looking flustered)
Err, is that the time? Must get on Sophie dear, Monty Dons going to be showing us how to prepare bulbs in a few minutes...see yourself out won't you.
(Stands, gives Sophie a kiss on the cheek and hurries out the room)

Sophie
(Smiles and shakes her head as she stands to leave room)

Scene End

Hi.

I think this suffers from the problem of nothing actually happening in the scene. Sophie and Gran talk about the online dating, the boyfriend, the postman - but nothing happens. There isn't any conflict between them, so there isn't anything to hold our interest.

As for the bukkake joke - well, I know what it is (theoretically only, of course). The issue I have with it is that it is the only no n PG joke in the whole scene. So you are pushing your show later in the schedules for one joke that doesn't really work in its current form. (Book ache is a bit weak and feels contrived for the sake of the joke.)

But as a first draft, you have some short, snappy lines and I like the idea.

It's aperfect decent bottle scene, if you're just messing about with the characters.
It's funny, the characters are strong and the dialogue is very good indeed.
The bukake gag works, but well I wouldn't use it anything you were serious about as it's the kind of gag that doesn't even go watershed.
Thing is it is a bottle scene, it's not part of a sitcom because there's no plot tying it into the rest of an episode.

But I wouldn't worry too much about them I'm sure you can edit it. As it is the saintly but tactless granny is a bit of a cliche, but you write her so well that she flys.

And too other sitcom writers on here, this wins my Sooryj award for show don't tell dialogue of the day.

Thank you Jennie and Sootyj for your comments. I understand that the bukkake joke line is perhaps too risque and I have an alternative opening scene as mentioned. I'm not sure where else to take this as I thought it was a decent opening scene, getting across to the audience that this is very much the start of Sophies' new life. Maybe I'll have another look at it, this is my first attempt at script writing so I can't really expect miracles
Thanks again.

You just need to tie it into the rest of the plot, so we know whats happening in the rest of the episode.

Don't sweat the small stuff, dialogue, characters and funny youve got in spades.

To do that I'll have to post the rest of the episode
But thank you for your kind words

Quote: Charleywolf @ October 27 2013, 9:37 AM GMT

I'm not sure where else to take this as I thought it was a decent opening scene, getting across to the audience that this is very much the start of Sophies' new life.

View original

You achieve that by line 7. We know she's transgendered and this is her new life. Now make something happen and you'll be there.

Thanks Jennie, I'll have to give it some thought,still very new to this

It's funny as hell.Terrific dialogue.Brilliant characters.Reminds me of an alternative 21st Century Steptoe and Son.Keep doing it.

Wow, thanks Jaicee, that is high praise indeed, if only I could produce something anywhere near as good as Steptoe and son