Hello there. My name is Tom Hiley, and I'm a stand-up comedian who lives in Ontario.
I'm promoting a book I wrote, about stand-up comedy. It is essentially 190 pages of jokes. It is my homage to the craft of comedy. I hope some of you will take the time to read it.
Here are some links,
Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00G5SNTUO/ref=cm_cd_asin_lnk
Cheers.
Give us a couple of samples you maple syrup sipping tease.
I aint lookin' nuttin up till I've been teased
If you have facebook, visit facebook.com/tomhileywriter, like AND share my page, and message me, and I will email you a copy of my book for free. fair deal?
Hope to be emailing you soon.
Here's some excerpts for you:
For those of you,
Who don't know what a Fleshlight is,
It is,
What appears,
Only on the outside,
To be a flashlight.
And you know that old saying,
"Never judge a book,
By it's cover?"
What I think that person actually meant to say,
Was,
"Never judge a person,
With an erection,
Who f**ks things,
In his tool box."
Like I was saying,
A Fleshlight,
Is something that appears to be a flashlight,
But instead of being able to illuminate,
It has a fake vagina in it instead.
This is really the peak,
Of male sex toys isn't it?
Men like tools,
And now men,
Can f**k tools.
Men are tools.
I swear to God,
I have never been able,
To even look at a flashlight,
The way that I used to,
Because now I just get turned on,
And start f**king them.
Call me sexist,
But the dildo seems pretty standard,
I know a lot of women,
Who own a dildo,
Or multiple dildos,
They're almost like a member of the family,
It's become a staple of any household.
I don't think,
That the same can be said for the Fleshlight.
The Fleshlight is too flashy,
No pun intended,
It's too much of a show off,
It's all,
"Hey,
Over here,
Look at me.
It's dark,
And I can help you find,
What you're looking for...
A place to stick your dick,
You sick f**k."
Wouldn't women be better,
If their genitals looked like a flashlight too?
Imagine going back to home videos,
Watching your kids being born,
And they just come out of a flashlight?
I think I'm onto something here.
I think what is so ridiculous,
About the Fleshlight,
Is that it really tries to be something,
That it's not,
But then it also tries to disguise itself.
The dildo,
On the other hand,
Is so unassuming,
There's really no mistaking it,
It looks like a fake,
Erect penis,
And it's hilarious,
It's just there,
Being itself,
Hanging out,
In your mom's sock drawer.
People aren't ashamed of owning a dildo,
And why should they be?
It's not disguised as something else,
It's just wholesome,
An honest,
Piece of rubber,
Or plastic,
That stimulates your genitals.
Back to the Fleshlight.
The Fleshlight,
Comes in different varieties.
You can get a Fleshlight that is supposed to be a vagina,
Then there's one that is supposed to be a mouth,
And there's also one that is supposed to be an asshole.
I don't know what the different features are,
Maybe the mouth one,
Has a tongue inside,
Maybe the asshole one,
Farts on your dick,
I have no idea,
But what I do know is this,
The Fleshlight,
Has ruined the lives of some people.
I'm ashamed to admit it,
But I actually know people,
Who own a Fleshlight,
Not only do I know people who own a Fleshlight,
I know people,
Who would rather,
F**k their Fleshlight,
Than they would another person.
It is a home wrecker,
Because when some men realize,
That they can f**k something,
That lives in their tool box,
There is no turning back.
Ladies,
Take notes.
You might give great head,
You might ride like a champion,
And you might even love to do anal,
But know this,
The anatomy of a woman,
Is losing the sexual revolution,
To your local hardware store.
Imagine if sex toy companies,
Approached dildos the same way?
Men and tools,
It's a stereotype sure,
But the Fleshlight is proving to be profitable.
Sex sells,
Especially a flashlight that you can f**k.
So what's a stereotypical thing,
That women love?
Imagine your wife comes home one day,
She's been out shopping,
And you realize that she bought something.
Oh, that's nice,
She already has thirty f**king pairs of them,
But now she has yet another,
F**king,
Shoe.
At first you don't put much thought into it,
You think everything is normal,
Your wife,
Has a problem,
With buying shoes.
Big deal.
Whose wife doesn't have a problem with buying shoes?
Then you notice something suspicious.
Where is the other shoe?
Did she lose it already?
There's no way.
Why did she only buy one shoe?
So you examine the shoe,
It has a heel,
It has a sole,
It has good arch support.
Everything about the shoe appears to be normal,
But you're still curious.
You know the shoe won't fit you,
But you try to stick your foot into it anyway.
What have you got to lose?
Something isn't quite right about this shoe.
Then you start to feel something,
Against the bottom of your foot.
You ask yourself,
"Is that,
Is that what I think it is?
Oh my God,
It is that.
This is terrible,
There's an erect penis in this shoe,
And its f**king my foot.
This is the worst day of my life,
It started off good,
I went to the baseball game with the guys,
And then we drank some beers,
But now a shoe is thrusting its erection,
Between my toes.
I feel so alone."
It only gets worse,
The shoe says something to you,
"I'm sorry you're having a bad day,
Tell me what I can do to make it better."
Great,
The shoe cares about my emotions too?
Now I'm f**ked.
I realize, that I am completely inadequate,
There is no way,
That I am ever going to compare to this shoe.
I'm so angry,
That I could just,
I could just,
F**k a flashlight.
What is it with people wanting to promote books of poor jokes on here recently?
Quote: Ben @ October 26 2013, 9:27 PM BSTWhat is it with people wanting to promote books of poor jokes on here recently?
Poor is very generous of you Ben.
Quote: tomghiley @ October 26 2013, 8:35 PM BSTI realize, that I am completely inadequate,
Hmmm...
Quote: tomghiley @ October 26 2013, 8:35 PM BSTLadies,
Take notes.
You might give great head,
You might ride like a champion,
And you might even love to do anal,
But know this,
The anatomy of a woman,
Is losing the sexual revolution,
To your local hardware store.
Does that chat up line ever work?
In fairness the tone and pacing is good, which is usually the tough part.
And this reads leads like rough poetry.
Shame the subject is purile to the point of being a nuisance.
Perhaps tomghiley should read this book before he tries to publish his own as he seems to have fundamentally misunderstood a few things...
The boy and the girl I get
but the cat
are cats the third gender/
why did nobody tell me this
Quote: sootyj @ October 26 2013, 10:12 PM BSTThe boy and the girl I get
but the cat
are cats the third gender/
why did nobody tell me this
I think it might be a metaphor
Damn metaphors sneaking in all over the place, with their double meanings, I don't trust them.
They're like a..... damn one of them almost got me
Quote: Ben @ October 26 2013, 9:27 PM BSTWhat is it with people wanting to promote books of poor jokes on here recently?
I think there is something wonderful to be said about poor jokes, that's why I wrote a book about it, it is about a comedian, who reaches a very small audience, is hated by most, and most don't find funny, but hey, I realize this isn't for everyone, including you, I'm sorry that I couldn't write a book of prop jokes.
Quote: Gordon Bennett @ October 26 2013, 9:42 PM BSTHmmm...
Does that chat up line ever work?
it only works at daycare centers, retirement homes and the special olympics
So if the special olympics are special, are the olympics just the regular olympics
i think an exception can be made for michael phelps, he does look very special
http://img2-2.timeinc.net/people/i/2012/news/120813/michael-phelps-3-440.jpg
Quote: Harridan @ October 26 2013, 10:10 PM BSTPerhaps tomghiley should read this book before he tries to publish his own as he seems to have fundamentally misunderstood a few things...
you mean about threeways with a cat?
Quote: sootyj @ October 27 2013, 4:33 PM GMTSo if the special olympics are special, are the olympics just the regular olympics
Well they are every 4 years.