First scene, first episode, help?

Hullo, I imagine its a bit cheeky of a new forum member to ask for a critiquing, but er if anyone could give me some feedback, I would be grateful.

I've written several episodes which I do like (?) but am struggling with this, the first one, which is a shame because I'm guessing the first one is the most important one. 'Square Peggy' is supposed to be a gentle (i.e.not many jokes!) comedy drama.

Here's the opening scene.

Sc. 1 INT. LITERARY AGENTS OFFICE. AFT.

Peggy, a heavy 23 year old, in ill-fitting 'best' clothes, is sitting in an office with agent. Agent, suited male, 50-ish, is on phone.

AGENT
Tell him £1,000,000 or he can
stuff the project
up his arse.

Agent hangs up and grins. He holds Peg's manuscript out, but when she reaches for it, pulls it back.

AGENT
This novel is not going to
change your life.

PEGGY
Who said I want to change my life?

AGENT
You work in a bingo hall, don't you?

PEGGY
(pause)
I want to change my life.

AGENT
Well, this
(He waves the mss around)
has an air of trying too hard.
Like a little doggy standing at a gate
dreaming of freedom.

PEGGY
Oh.
I did try hard.
(pause)
I thought that was a good thing.

AGENT
No one wants to see your tried hard.
(pause)
I can't represent this book.

Peggy nods understandingly.

AGENT cont.
It was sensitive, erudite and eloquent
but its not for us.

PEGGY nodding
I understand...

AGENT
The reason I wanted to meet
you though was
to tell you that it gave me
a massive hard on.

PEGGY
I'm sorry?

AGENT
Don't be sorry.
The sex scenes were sensational.

PEGGY shocked
The sex scenes?
In 'An Armchair with a view
of Autumn Leaves'?
There weren't any!

AGENT
The movement in my trousers didn't
just come from nowhere.

PEGGY
I think you must have
mistaken me for someone else.

AGENT
You're Margaret Feitzer, right?
Known as Peg

PEGGY
Uh huh

AGENT
Then it's no mistake. This...

He opens the manuscript.

AGENT cont.
...bit here. (he points)
I don't think its sticky.
When you wrote
about the woman's fantasies
about the character,
(clicks fingers)
what was his name?

PEGGY
Um...you mean Adam?

AGENT
Yes. Him. The words leapt straight
off the page
and deep into my underpants.
Would you think about doing
more with that?

PEGGY
Leaping into your underpants?
Um, It's very kind of you but...

Agent hands over the manuscript. Peggy warily reaches for it, but he has already taken it back and is stroking it.

AGENT
Have you heard of White Satin?

PEGGY
Are we talking about your
underpants again?

AGENT
Not the material. The White Satin group.

PEGGY
Um yes

AGENT
What do you think of writing for them?

PEGGY (singing hesitantly)
Knights in white satin...
Never reaching the end...
(pause)
Did they not...reach their end?

AGENT
White Satin are a new erotic imprint
for women by women.
They're always looking for fresh,
bright and sexy writers.

PEGGY
I was aiming for something
a bit dark and menacing.

AGENT
You missed. Lower your sights, Peg.
You're more Lemmingway than Hemingway.
10,000 writers can be wrong.
You're not all destined
for literary greatness.

Peggy gets up to go. She reaches for mss. The agent withdraws it but this time, she snatches it.

PEGGY
You've been very kind
but writing sex books is
not what I had in mind.

AGENT
You're a young woman in your prime.
Why so prim?

PEGGY
I want to be a proper writer.

AGENT
Drop the pretentious crap
and give the public what they want.
Proper filth.

Peggy leaves quickly, firmly shutting the door.

AGENT O.O.V
Don't be such a square, Peg.
Look for your hole.

END OF SCENE 1. Cheers for reading.

Hi and welcome.

To be honest, there wasn't much to go on but I generally liked what you'd written. I was wondering why the agent wanted to see her if he didn't want to take her on but then you answered that in a way I didn't see coming and it made me laugh. I like the idea of a sitcom about a person who leads a double life, all prim during the day but when she gets home she's the countries most famous adult book author. Obviously I don't know if that's how it pans out.

The one thing I did want to say was if you've already written other episodes then that may well be enough without a pilot. It can be better to submit a non pilot episode as that shows the characters as they will generally be and is not concerned with set-up or back story. Obviously it depends what your plans for the project are but you don't need to write all the episodes.

If the project is well liked then there is still a very good chance that it will change significantly during the process and any additional episodes you have will fall be the wayside. It's good practice writing them and it shows you have a premise that's capable of sustaining a series but generally an idea of the plot for each additional episode would be sufficient at an early stage.

Good luck.

Many thanks for that, Steve by any other name.
I have been obsessing about the pilot episode for bloody ages thinking it was all down to that, so its quite cheering to think that if other episodes are better all might not be lost...
Yup, you've kind of got the basic premise - uptight erotic writer, fish out of water, blah, blah, with a love story - the Adam character - thrown in.

It's not comedy drama Big Ted the agent is way way over the top for that. So it's sitcom and you are starting with a character who will never appear again, and that is not smiled upon. Unless of course he does appear again and is a regular and then that is sitcom, but you have to make it real, ground it in some reality however over the top it is.

Cheers Marc P.

Oh shit, I hoped no one would notice! How distinct are sit coms and comedy dramas these days- are there none that straddle both genres? (I'm guessing no)

Ok, so I've sketched ten episodes and each one is stand- alone (sit comy) yet there is forward momentum too(drama-y) this is not good is it?

Quote: BigTed @ October 24 2013, 7:18 PM BST

Oh shit, I hoped no one would notice! How distinct are sit coms and comedy dramas these days- are there none that straddle both genres? (I'm guessing no)

View original

Hi Ted

To answer this question - yes, still very distinct. Sitcom is one of the most prescriptive of all genres. You need a group of regular characters, who are trapped together (both by external circumstance and emotional dependency), who have clear goals but an inability to ever achieve them.

Traditionally, they should not grow, develop, learn or change. Whilst there has been a move towards a "narrative arc" in recent times, I don't think it has necessarily improved things.

Also, any episode of a sitcom should be able to be dropped into the schedules anywhere and stand alone. You don't need to see all of Frasier to watch an episode of it.

I don't really know what a comedy drama is. I suppose I see it as a cop out for people who don't want to nail their colours to the mast and admit they are trying to write funny. But that is probably grossly unfair.

Quote: BigTed @ October 24 2013, 2:27 PM BST

'Square Peggy' is supposed to be a gentle (i.e.not many jokes!) comedy drama.

View original

I don't equate "gentle" with "not many jokes". Last of the Summer Wine is "gentle" because it deals with a quaint group of old people who behave like teenagers. But if that's your thing, it is hilarious.

There are too many sex references in this for it to be "gentle" really. Why not aim to up the joke content and make it a sitcom?

Quote: BigTed @ October 24 2013, 7:18 PM BST

Ok, so I've sketched ten episodes

View original

Heavens - why? I admire your commitment, but you really only need one at this stage. Make one episode great.

Many thanks for your feedback, Jennie.

You're saying what I think I knew subconsciously but chose to ignore. Ho hum. I guess I'm going to have to make a decision which way to go.
Its looking more sit-commy by the minute.

You can have a bit of...I dunno, narrative push(?)...even in a sitcom can't you, like 1st episode of Frasier moves the dad into the home, and then we have Niles unrequited love for Daphne, etc, etc.

I'm also concerned that I'll have too many one-off characters for a sit-com, but I guess that's easily sorted if I put my mind to it.

Re. the ten episodes. Yeah. That was a mistake! However, I have loved, loved, loved doing it - and the practice has been great and important.

Quote: BigTed @ October 24 2013, 8:12 PM BST

However, I have loved, loved, loved doing it - and the practice has been great and important.

View original

Lucky you. I have literally just finished my first draft of the first scene of my first sitcom. I found it a bit of a slog to be honest ! And that is before any re writes. The thought of doing ten makes me feel a bit sick.

I used to (try and) write novels. I'm finding it a walk in the park compared to them!

Not sure how clear cut the sitcom/comedy drama difference is these days. Half the characters in comedy dramas like Fresh Meat are arguably more exaggerated than those in The Office; the main difference which sees one invariably classed as comedy drama and the other invariably as sitcom is the running time
(For that matter, even as orthodox a sitcom as Friends was driven by ongoing storylines.)

You'd probably be best off receiving feedback on one of your other episodes anyway. The first episode is the most likely to be substantially rewritten, and the least likely to be the right one for you to send to a production company, especially if it's currently a setup episode...

Thanks Enigmatic. I'm pleased to abandon the pilot until some um unspecified date in the future.

Cheers for all feedback.