Anyone got any jokes for sale? Page 2

Welcome to the tour of zonked zoo animals on drugs, it's a fresh joint venture... we got toking toucans, polly doing dolly and a moose on juice...... So, lets do a line and shuffle this way for the first exhibit...
It's feedin' time and I got a monkey on my back that won't take no for an answer.
First exhibit is in the lake, the Hypo-potumusses or Ro-Hippo-nols...sure, you can feed the animal just don't accept any drink offers back...know what I'm sayin? In this zoo it's not just the Porcupines are spiked.Unless maybe you want to resurface tomorrow with one of them big ladies in your bed? Once you had fat theres no coming back.
Hey notice them critters lakeside there on the GRASS?...thems mar-iguanas.

lets keep movin' you hear something snortin'? Thats the drug mules.

See that gorilla on the hash pipe there? He never shares...We call him King Bong.
other exhibits.....

Over here is the Snow leopard, he's just some cat o' mine.
geeked geckos??
Peregrine with a perma grin

etc etc you get the idea hope you enjoyed your trip
zzzzzzzz

What do you say when your Christmas Turkey doesn't fit in the oven?
Foiled Again.

Yep!

I have got jokes that have not seen the light of day since conception.

For example:

Question: Why do anaesthetists walk around in pairs or groups?

Answer:

Yep!

I have got jokes that have not seen the light of day since conception.

For example:

Question: Why do anaesthetists walk around in pairs or groups?

Answer:

Yep!

I have got jokes that have not seen the light of day since conception.

For example:

Question: Why do anaesthetists walk around in pairs or groups?

Answer:

Yep!

I have got jokes that have not seen the light of day since conception.

For example:

Question: Why do anaesthetists walk around in pairs or groups?

Answer:

What you call a man with two tons of cement of his head?

Dead.

You can have that one for free...

Quote: Tim Azure @ December 20 2012, 10:37 AM GMT

What you call a man with two tons of cement of his head?

Dead.

You can have that one for free...

View original

He was called Con Crete

Make me a cash offer

$5 for your cat

I would agree with what the others have said on here. Concentrate on getting a 4 or 5 minute set together (It's better to have less material that's tighter) and then as you do more gigs you can cut/add material as your experience grows.

Like some of the other posters have said it's all well and good have 10 minutes of 'gold material' but, if you've not got the experience to perform then it's not going to matter how good the experience is. Plus, if you wirte and perform your own material it'll be more rewarding and more importantly it'll be your own experiences and therefore more original.

Best of luck,

Jason.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ April 1 2011, 9:22 PM BST

High Enas you mean?

View original

Thats brilliant :-)

Quote: Ipspaul @ March 30 2011, 2:19 PM BST

Thanks very much for your replies guys. I am humbled to see people come out with honest and constructive criticism rather than jumping on a chance to take advantage of a newbie.

It made me do a little bit of self reflection and I guess I am trying to be a little lazy and running before I can walk. My biggest issue is that most of my material so far is anecdotal and involves long rambling set ups.

My priority now must be to really knuckle down and create some punchy gags to keep the audiences attention through the rambling bits.

And yes I would certainly be interested in some critical reviewing of me set so once I have worked on it a bit more I will maybe have a word about running it by you.

View original

So, two years on (to the day - spooky) hows it going? Up to 10 yet?

This new behind the scenes documentary Sky1 are doing at Greggs won't be so much fly on the wall as horse in the pasty.

You can have that one, I'm like a heroin dealer. The first hit is free, then each subsequent one will ruin your life a little more.

Hi Paul, hope you are keeping well m8.

I write books of my own uniquely witty humour. I'll happily pop a couple of books off in the post to you if you are looking for inspiration...so long as you promise not to plagiarise and give me some feedback! I'd try stand-up myself but I have a disability. I would be willing to sell you a few jokes if you were impressed enough by the material. My work is getting very good reviews from the professionals who've read the publications.

Please let me know buddy. You never know we might be able to strike up some sort of an arrangement!

Best of luck with your career!

Quote: Macker @ June 21 2013, 8:27 PM BST

Hi Paul, hope you are keeping well m8.

I write books of my own uniquely witty humour. I'll happily pop a couple of books off in the post to you if you are looking for inspiration...so long as you promise not to plagiarise and give me some feedback! I'd try stand-up myself but I have a disability. I would be willing to sell you a few jokes if you were impressed enough by the material. My work is getting very good reviews from the professionals who've read the publications.

Please let me know buddy. You never know we might be able to strike up some sort of an arrangement!

Best of luck with your career!

View original

Get yourself over to the introduction thread Macker and meet the gang. critique is a good place to post your jokes if you want instant feedback.....well, when I say instant.....pretty instant(ish).

If you mated a hen with an Enigma machine, would the eggs come out scrambled?

You can have that one for free, it's worth every penny

Hey dude

Well I edit the Newsfox and we have a hell of a lot of jokes on there.

It's probably quite stupid to have them all on web pages but I'm labouring under the delusion that one day the site will actually pay for my heroin, hookers and Yazoo chocolate milk.

If you want to buy some of the material then be all means get in touch. They're pretty bloody good...well, at least two of them are.

Did Bussell get money for reproducing a Spike Milligan joke?