Hi this is a first attempt at a sitcom with a friend of mine, I know its not perfect but any constructive criticism would be great, positive feedback would be even better! Thanks. 
First attempt at a sitcom. Feedback welcome!
Sorry hardly anyone's going to get your script off of a second site, too much effort.
Might I suggest pasting an extract in critique, it's most likely to get feedback.
Thanks for the heads up. Here's the first scene...
SCENE 1. INT CAR. 10:45AM
(INSIDE A CAR ARE PHIL, DAVE & MIKE PREPARING TO ROB THE JEWELLERS)
DAVE:
Right Mike, got the tools?
MIKE:
Oh yeah, I got the tools alright
DAVE
Well lets see them then
MIKE
OK, first off we have a rake, then,
(holding up a trowel) not really sure what that is,
and lastly the noble garden fork.
DAVE:
What use are they? We're robbing the jewellers not
the Chelsea Flower Show, I meant guns you
moron!
MIKE:
Oh, oh dear, I know what's happened here, Captain
Confusion!!, you're gonna laugh at this, you,
(laughs to himself) you, were planning a raid on a
jewellers whilst I thought we were doing some
gardening, what a right old dunderhead I am. But
alas, all is not lost, this fork for example, 3 prongs,
3 points of attack, one motion, 3 dead... assuming
MIKE CONT.
all 3 were standing next to each other... and the
skinny one was in the middle of course.
(Using a swinging and jabbing motion)
DAVE:
FYI, tools mean shooters.
PHIL:
How was I supposed to know that?
What do I always say to you, hmm?
BMS!
(Puzzled look from MIKE & PHIL)
...be more specific!
DAVE:
I've never heard you say that...
MIKE:
I say it all the time. Honestly, without exaggeration I
must say it 100 times a day.
DAVE:
Name one time you have said it.
MIKE:
OK, alright... remember that time I bought those
garden tools to the jewellery shop robbery
(to PHIL) eer, Stan FYI, tools mean shooters...
apparently.
PHIL:
Boys come on, it's still doable, we just need to use
something else.
MIKE:
I've got a mars bar, could use it for a weapon
DAVE:
Unless you're looking to force feed a diabetic
jeweller, I fail to see how your pack lunch is gonna
help us.
MIKE:
I mean I could keep it in my pocket, might look like
a shooter.
(A knock on the window- MIKE panics and stuffs the mars bar, complete with wrapper, into his mouth and starts frantically chewing)
MAN:
(Through window mimics winding the window down)
PHIL:
Yes mate?
MAN:
(Welsh accent)
Hello chaps, don't know why I went like that
(Does the rolling window down motion)
MAN CONT.:
all electric these days aren't they, although you
probably would think I'm a bit mad if I just stood
there pointing... pressing the electric window button
you see (points to pointed finger)
DAVE:
Can we help you?
MAN:
(Looks at MIKE eating mars bar with wrapper)
He's a hungry boy isn't he, stuffing his face with
chocolate, love chocolate me. Bit hot for all that
stuff isn't it boys, (points to their balaclavas)
hottest summer for 13 years they reckon don't they,
or is that 14 years, hold on, what year are we in?
(Starts counting on his fingers) yep 14 years,
time flies doesn't it.
DAVE:
Not quick enough, listen, did you want something or
have you just come here to annoy me?
MAN:
... No need to be rude, just making conversation.
DAVE:
So you don't actually want anything?
MAN:
I was after directions to Parnaby Street actually.
PHIL:
Straight ahead, then its left, right, left and your
there.
MAN:
Straight ahead, right, left, right.
PHIL:
No, left right left.
MAN:
Do you have a pen and paper?
(DAVE winds up window and man raises head level with space)
...alright boys, I'll find it.
(Both PHIL and DAVE turn to MIKE who is sitting in the back with the wrapper hanging out of his mouth and chocolate all over his face)
PHIL:
What the hell is wrong with you?
MIKE:
I'm destroying the evidence.
DAVE:
Why are you eating the wrapper?
MIKE:
Erm, how about the fact it's got my prints all over it.
Well that's it now, he's seen my face, the getaway
vehicle and the murder weapon, were finished.
DAVE:
Why did you take off the balaclava?
MIKE:
Did you not just hear the man, its like 40 degrees in
here.
PHIL:
He's right Dave, were gonna have to call it off.
DAVE:
Are you serious? how is a man going to link a mars
bar to a murder? we haven't even killed anyone!
look, were not pulling out now, this took months in
planning.
MIKE:
It shows.
DAVE:
Just put you balaclava on and lets go.
(All jump out of the car and run to the shop. MIKE'S trousers constantly fall down and is pulling them up as he goes as they do, two policeman walk out and the three all scatter in different directions. Both MIKE and DAVE are tazered as PHIL gets away)
Notwithstanding Sootyj's comments, I did have a gander.
To be honest with you, your explanation of the series premise on the first page suggests that you have missed the point of a sitcom. You tell us what the characters learn over the series and how they change but in a sitcom, the characters should learn nothing. If they start learning, it's game over.
What you have written would probably be better referred to as a comedy drama, although, to my mind, it wasn't particularly funny or dramatic. I thought the initial scene setting up the whole thing was quite weak in itself and the humour was unsophisticated and obvious to the point of making me groan rather than laugh.
I felt the whole set up was completely unbelievable. Why would the police tazer 2 guys who hadn't done anything? They may have been thinking about robbing the jewelers but they hadn't carried out the crime as far as I could tell, when the police gave chase and ultimately called multiple cars and a helicopter.
Personally, I'd start with your man legging it down a road being pursued by the cops and then he turns off up the drive to the monastery and the cops drive by. He's wondering what to do next and gets pounced on by a monk who gets the wrong end of the stick.
I thought the characterization of the monks was quite stereotypical and much more depth was required. There wasn't much driving the plot.
It was confusing having two names for Brother Phil as he is also called Phil at the start although one of the characters refers to him as Stan. If I'm being picky there were also a number of grammatical errors too that should be weeded out.
On the positive side, it was well set out, although you should loose the character descriptions and plot details from the front, the characters should be obvious from the things they say and do in the script.
I liked most of the stuff around Brother Joe and his cards especially when he was being tested.
The script flowed quite well and there was not too much exposition or clunky dialogue.
Not a bad effort for a first attempt but it needs much more thought about everything before you produce another draft.
One last thing, is it too much like Father Ted to be a commercial proposition?
Thanks Steve, really appreciate you taking the time to read it, I take your points around the character descriptions as well as the plot layout on the first page.
The humour is not intended to be sophisticated, Fraser it is not. Influences taken from Graham Linehan school of writing and similar comedy to IT Crowd etc.
Phil is his identity when he enters the monastery as this is who George is expecting, he is known as Stan on the outside, this is detailed in the character description at the start. Also, 3 men were entering the jewellers in balaclavas, it is not a huge leap to suggest this might need some action from the bobbies regardless of weather they had held it up yet or not.
I know its not close to the finished article but wanted to test the water to see if it had potential to develop further, judging by your feedback it might not.
Thanks again, I appreciate your comments.
Quote: steve woodward @ October 17 2013, 3:41 PM BSTThe humour is not intended to be sophisticated, Fraser it is not. Influences taken from Graham Linehan school of writing and similar comedy to IT Crowd etc.
Phil is his identity when he enters the monastery as this is who George is expecting, he is known as Stan on the outside, this is detailed in the character description at the start. Also, 3 men were entering the jewellers in balaclavas, it is not a huge leap to suggest this might need some action from the bobbies regardless of weather they had held it up yet or not.
When I said not sophisticated what I meant was it reminded me of the play I wrote at primary school. Bank robber: Where's the tools? Mate: Here, garden tools. I felt this was a bit too simplistic for an adult audience.
I appreciate the Stan/Phil scenario but this is only clear from the character biogs at the start. Phil is Phil all the way through. He is referred to as Stan by one of the other characters and this is confusing for the reader.
There's a lot of work needed as mentioned but if you give up on this because it's too similar to Father Ted, then at least you've written a sitcom script, which is not easy, and you've gained some experience you can use on your next project. There's plenty of positives to take from completing it and having the balls to show it to other people.
I agree with Steve. I think there's a difference bewteen silly and immature (not meant as an insult!) also I get the feeling the comedy is coming from you rather than the characters, which makes the jokes seem shoe horned in for example the man explaining the window button. But the fact you wrote it is a huge positive and will help you develop it or move onto another project
Wow, Steve, I wanted feedback not a beating. I accept that the whole garden tools joke might be on the immature side but on the whole this is possibly the weakest joke. To suggest you wrote at a similar level at primary school is insulting.
When Curtis/Elton wrote that Baldrick would wear a piece of cheese of his nose so he could catch mice with his mouth, this may have needed some imagination to turn it from sounding ridiculous to being as funny as it was.
Out of curiosity, do you have anything I can read to see how its done?
I don't think he gave you a beating. Steve has given you some seriously good feedback. You want to be a writer? You need a thick skin.
The Baldrick/mice joke is funny because it is character driven. That is the kind of thing that Baldrick would do - and that makes us laugh.
I would put the jokes to one side at the moment.
I think it might be work spending some time thinking about the genre you want to write for. Sitcoms generally involve a limited number of characters who are emotionally trapped by each other and their flaws. They try and escape, but they can't. They never learn, never grow, never change.
But as others have said, it is very hard to actually put pen to paper and put it out there for people to see.
Quote: steve woodward @ October 17 2013, 7:12 PM BSTWow, Steve, I wanted feedback not a beating. I accept that the whole garden tools joke might be on the immature side but on the whole this is possibly the weakest joke. To suggest you wrote at a similar level at primary school is insulting.
When Curtis/Elton wrote that Baldrick would wear a piece of cheese of his nose so he could catch mice with his mouth, this may have needed some imagination to turn it from sounding ridiculous to being as funny as it was.
Out of curiosity, do you have anything I can read to see how its done?
Sorry if you found it insulting, it wasn't intended as such but in your response to my earlier post it was clear that in trying to sugar the pill, you had not got the point I was trying to make. There's nothing really wrong with the joke it is more the context, it seems, and this is only my opinion, too silly to think that someone who was looking to rob a bank would misunderstand the situation and somehow manage to conceal large garden implements in a crowded car until it was time to reveal them. The joke stands out as being exactly that, a joke for the sake of it, not driven by character or plot. one of the hardest things I find to do when writing sitcom is to cut out what I think is a good joke that just doesn't belong. But it's a good joke.
In answer to your question about have I got anything you can read I'll post a few scenes below. It's difficult to appreciate the context but it may be of use. This piece is several years old and there are references to celebrities who have subsequently died which I would not include now but they were both alive and kicking at the time.
This extract comes from a script I wrote that resulted in a pilot script for the project being commissioned by the BBC. There's an obvious joke in there that I was asked to cut as it stuck out as being only there for the laugh but I've left it in so you can see the version that got the producer and the commissioner interested.
I/E. KATHERINE'S HALL/DOOR STEP. - NIGHT
ABBY OPENS THE DOOR. FATHER O'LEARY IS STANDING ON THE STEP.
FATHER O'LEARY
Good evening my child. Shall we spare a moment to thank our Lord for the glorious day he has bestowed upon us?
ABBY
Shall we not?
HE IS A LITTLE TAKEN ABACK.
ABBY
Are you coming in?
HE STEPS INTO THE HALL AND SHE CLOSES THE DOOR.
ABBY
Lucky for you I know you're not a real priest or I'd give you a message for your boss. And whilst it may be destined for God's ears, it would certainly be likely to offend yours..... Well it would if you thought the F word was worth a confession. And I dare say that calling our Father an F-fing W is likely to be blasphemy in anybody's book.
FATHER O'LEARY
My child. I really must....
ABBY
Look it doesn't matter. Day started badly and apparently it's God's fault and I can't seem to get him to accept responsibility.
FATHER O'LEARY
The Lord moves in mysterious ways my child.
ABBY
Look, you're starting to freak me out. It's through there.
SHE POINTS INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND THEY WALK TOWARDS THE DOOR.
ABBY
You look older than the others. Have you thought about Just For Men?
FATHER O'LEARY
A vow of celibacy does not make me a homosexual my dear.
ABBY
Christ. I don't think you're gay. Far from it you randy old bugger.
FATHER O'LEARY
My child. I really must.....
ABBY
Still. Lucky you eh?
THEY STOP AND SHE OPENS THE DOOR.
ABBY
I can't introduce you. I don't know who anyone is.
INT. KATHERINE'S LIVING ROOM. - NIGHT
DETECTIVE TRUNCHEON IS SITTING NEXT TO LADY QUICHE. THEY LOOK RELAXED AND ARE DRINKING AND CHATTING. SCARLET AND LORD QUICHE ARE IN SEPARATE CHAIRS LOOKING LESS COMFORTABLE. FATHER O'LEARY IS SITTING NEXT TO SCARLET AND HE IS DECIDEDLY
UNEASY.
SCARLET
So, what do you do?
FATHER O'LEARY
I'm a priest.
SCARLET LETS OUT A RIDICULOUS GIGGLE AND PLAYFULLY PUNCHES FATHER O'LEARY.
HE HAS NO IDEA HOW TO RESPOND.
I/E. KATHERINE'S HALL/DOOR STEP. - NIGHT
ABBY OPENS THE DOOR. FATHER FREELY IS ON THE DOOR STEP.
FATHER FREELY HAS A VERY BROAD LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT.
SEEING IT IS ANOTHER PRIEST, ABBY PUSHES PAST HIM. SHE LOOKS UP TO THE HEAVENS.
ABBY
You really have got it in for me today haven't you? After Melanie Cartwright stole my boyfriend, I prayed every day for a month that her hair would fall out, and what? Nothing. And when Whitney Houston died, where were you?
FATHER FREELY
Whitney Houston's dead?
FINALLY SHE ACKNOWLEDGES HIM.
ABBY
Hamster.
FATHER FREELY
I'm not actually a real priest. As a matter of fact, I run my own company.
HE PULLS A BUSINESS CARD OUT OF HIS POCKET AND OFFERS IT TO HER.
ABBY
'Good as New Glazing'?
FATHER FREELY
We do car windscreen repairs.... And replacements obviously. If ever you're in need... I'm sure we'll see you right...
ABBY
Come on in.
HE ENTERS THE HALL AND ABBY FOLLOWS HIM. AT THE LAST MINUTE TURNING TO LOOK UP TO THE HEAVENS, THEN BACK AT THE CARD SHE'S HOLDING.
ABBY
Well, bugger me.
INT. KATHERINE'S DINING ROOM. - NIGHT
EVERYONE IS SITTING AS BEFORE EXCEPT THAT FATHER FREELY HAS SQUEEZED HIMSELF IN BETWEEN SCARLET AND FATHER O'LEARY. KATHERINE ENTERS.
KATHERINE
Hello again everyone. Now that we're all here...
SHE SURVEYS THE ROOM.
KATHERINE
Why have we got two priests?
SHE RECOGNISES FATHER O'LEARY.
KATHERINE
O.. Er... Hello Father.
HE SMILES OBLIGINGLY.
KATHERINE
Were you looking for my mother?
SCARLET
You invited your parents?
FATHER O'LEARY
I thought there must have been a misunderstanding.
HE STANDS UP AND KATHERINE LEADS HIM TOWARDS THE DOOR.
KATHERINE
I do apologise Father, but we were expecting you a little earlier.
FATHER O'LEARY
I understand my child. I was unavoidably detained. Mrs Flatly wants to save money on poor Mr. Flatley's funeral. His dying wish was to be buried at sea.
KATHERINE
That.... does sound expensive.
FATHER O'LEARY
We've come to an arrangement. I'm going to say a few words and then she'll push him off the back of the Isle of Wight ferry in a wheel chair while her sister distracts the crew by performing a naked version of the River Dance.
KATHERINE REACTS.
FATHER O'LEARY
Had you there for a minute though didn't I?
KATHERINE
This way father.
THEY BOTH LEAVE THE ROOM.
SCARLET
So, what do you do?
FATHER FREELY
I'm a priest.
HE CAN HARDLY KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE, SCARLET IS NOT AMUSED.
SCARLET
Heard it.
I do appreciate the comments and even taking the time to read. Saying you were writing this stuff when you was in primary school IS insulting, now matter how you want to spin it. To say you feel the material is amateur and not good enough for commercial development is constructive. Difference.
I also think this is a matter of opinion, my opinion is that I agree with you, this is not a joke that I feel is strong. However, there are plenty of gag led comedies on TV - Not Going Out builds a minute amount of dialogue around the crowbarred gags, as does Bad Education. It doesn't always need to be character driven although I wouldn't say my characters particularly lack definition.
Thanks again
Hi Steve
I was one of the people who didn't find it too much effort to click on a link and read a bit more of your script. I have to say that I also agree with the comments made by the others. But in a more encouraging note I did think some of the dialogue was quite funny and flowed well. But as I have found (attempting my first as well), sitcom is much more than just funny lines and silly actions... I thought that thing Greg Davies said was quite good "writing sitcom is like doing a jigsaw invented by the devil" Anyway If this was a first bash then I think you have done well. The trick now is to learn from it. You're never going to write a great sitcom straight off the bat. Comedy is obviously subjective but don't be too quick to dismiss other peoples constructive criticisms, especially when you have asked for them. If you just want people to say "well done that's great" then just show it to your mum. As Jennie said you do need to be thick skinned. Take on board what people say and get re writing.
Quote: Mattytheswan @ October 17 2013, 10:58 PM BSTHi Steve
I was one of the people who didn't find it too much effort to click on a link and read a bit more of your script. I have to say that I also agree with the comments made by the others. But in a more encouraging note I did think some of the dialogue was quite funny and flowed well. But as I have found (attempting my first as well), sitcom is much more than just funny lines and silly actions... I thought that thing Greg Davies said was quite good "writing sitcom is like doing a jigsaw invented by the devil" Anyway If this was a first bash then I think you have done well. The trick now is to learn from it. You're never going to write a great sitcom straight off the bat. Comedy is obviously subjective but don't be too quick to dismiss other peoples constructive criticisms, especially when you have asked for them. If you just want people to say "well done that's great" then just show it to your mum. As Jennie said you do need to be thick skinned. Take on board what people say and get re writing.
Hi Matt,
Thanks for that. I maintain that it is a critique I am looking for and agree with the points Steve has made, on all of it. It was more the delivery that I found rather rude but anyhow, like people say, maybe this is the nature of the beast and a thicker skin is needed.
Genuinely found everyone's responses useful and will rewrite on that basis, ie, not trying to crowbar in jokes and make them more subtle. Thanks again.
I think it is enormously impressive that Steve2 wrote a play at primary school. I wrote a poem about a frog I think. Steve1 well done for posting up your work, Not Going Out is very strongly story led, that is the foundation and the gags are the icing on the cake. The whole trick is to make it believable and maybe the weakness of the tools intro is that it undercuts any believability at the very first scene. Not sure how Father Ted begins but it is not in a highly charged dramatic situation I am guessing.
If you establish the character's child like stupidity, introduce some threat - build to the scene and then he turns up with the wrong tools it would be fine. So there is nothing wrong necessarily with the scene as is perhaps, it's just you know your characters better than the reader does and in that context it doesn't come off.
Forget about whether the joke is weak.. that is really not the point. No joke is either weak or strong, clever or stupid really. The cleverest jokes don't make you laugh out loud if you think about it. Comedy is a visceral and immediate emotional response. Good luck with the next draft.
Nothing that has been written is insulting, it is all honest and good critique.
Hey im new on here and have just posted my first work on "critique" section, Please, please, please could someone provide feedback, good or bad as I need to know weather I am wasting my time or not!
If you enjoy writing then you are not wasting your time.
We do not need to get into unrelated arguments because you feel insulted.
You are better hearing it here than having your submission ignored or returned and not knowing why.