Sootyj's narrator sitcom Page 2

Thanks for the feedback, but the narrator bit isn't the the big USP.

I think that I may be over emphasising it.....

Otherwise are the characters strong enough? The dialogue sprightly enough?

Really like this, reminds me very much of.

Stranger than fiction

But with the Sootyj touch.

Stott the Elder is correct imo. In too quick young man! There needs to be a build up where he's hearing this voice. Is he going mad? Until someone comes along that can hear it to? The chosen ones? Anyway it's a yes from me as it has stacks of potential. Quite unique. Like my choice of underwear.

Oh yes, take out the 'oops'. Where the hell do you think you are 'Up Pompeii'?

Ah yes now I see, maybe only a few lines to contrast

I was a bit disappointed with this sootyj as your stuff normally makes me laugh and this barely raised a smile.
I agree you probably get in too early with the God thing but this then never seemed to go anywhere for me. He says at the start Albert is to go on a quest as he is the chosen one but by the end of scene 3 we don't know what the quest is nor why he above all others was chosen.
Albert is going to perform at a charity stand up gig but this seems to me to come out of nowhere. If it's important to the plot I'd like to have it referenced nearer the start, maybe he's rehursing on his commute or he stops and practices his stage entrance whilst looking at his reflection in a shop window.
You also say all his collegues will be going to the gig but I didn't buy into this as they didn't seem to like him all that much. They were quick to dob him in for something fairly minor.
When I started reading it I thought it was a parody sketch because of the character names, Penny Fanciable etc. Personally that was confusing especially as Mr Evil seemed to be a puritan, although we never find out why he suddenly has a cross and a pulpit.
It became harder to follow when you began using the initials of the characters instead of their names. From memory, I don't think there was a scene change when Albert went from being in the office to outside in the smoking area and there ought to be. I also found it unbelievable that Mr Evil and Janet Sinister would give their staff the afternoon off even if they thought the world was about to end. I thought, particularly towards the end, it felt like it was being driven by the dialogue and not the story.

This isn't to say I didn't enjoy reading it. The final scene was heavy going but the first two were interesting enough to make me want to keep reading.

Thanks for the feedback, this script is a bit of an experiment. Its almost completely unplanned, where as I usually come up with complete structures and characters before hand.
I also wanted to do it in camera so to speak.
I think I can see where I've gone wrong.
Oddly enough after scene 2 I stopped for several months as I couldn't think of a female character who passed the Brechtian test. I think I missed the ball on some other areas.
But I;m gonna redraft it so watch this space.

Lovely and fast moving. The supervisor's scooter could be one of those horrible segway things.(no connection intended between the two sentences)

Interesting I like the scooter because it symbolises childish innocence corrupted.

The way so many women's fashions mix childish symbology with dark, sexual over tones.

Also she can keep it like a shotgun on a rack above her desk.

But a segway could be useful if she had to pursue APilchard up a hill, which may happen

Quote: sootyj @ October 14 2013, 10:41 PM BST

But I;m gonna redraft it so watch this space.

View original

I look forward to it. So far I've left off commenting because I think there's loads of excellent stuff mixed up in a kind of unsatisfying whole - I think I can't quite catch the rhythm of the show, for want of a phrase that actually makes sense.

Could certainly end up very good, though.

thanks are scenes 1 and 2 better than 3?

Yeah, I reckon so. I think scene 3 is so crazy, with the cat and the scooter and mormon bombs, that the God narrator gets sort of lost. I think you need the world to be relatively normal so that Arthur's "affliction" gets him into more scrapes, and there's a contrast between Arthur everyone sane/unchosen.

Good luck

good advice I think I'll dump it, like I say I got fixed on one problem

Scene 3 feels like it could be part of a Green Wing type thing set in a call centre, which could be a very good show, but is probably not the same one as in scene 1 & 2.

I havent got to the end yet but I have to say its really great so far. Could be the best thing you've written Sooty!

Thanks needs surgery and angry gnu