10 Broken Legs - New Sitcom

First stab at uploading for critique.
Only the first few pages of pilot episode 'Deadline day' but I hope everyone who takes the time to read it, enjoys the experience. All feedback is appreciated.

Thanks,

Frank

DEADLINE DAY.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE AL'S FLAT - DAY

Al Taylor (31) crosses the street whilst on his phone to Steve Harrison (31)

AL
Did you tell them we couldn't play tonight?

STEVE'S VOICE
Yes.

AL
Did you tell them why?

STEVE'S VOICE
Yes.

AL
Did you also tell them it's moronic to arrange 5-a-side fixtures on transfer deadline day?

STEVE'S VOICE
No.

AL
It is though. I mean who would want to miss this? Really, who?

STEVE'S VOICE
Some boy on twitter was saying that Man City want to spend £30 million on a left back with a dodgy knee. They still need to get him to the stadium and get it completed by midnight, but it should be ok.

AL
Aye unless he needs to run there! Can you get to mine at the back of one? I'll get the pizza in. You and Jay can bring the beers and we can order the Chinese later on. Sorted. See you soon.

INT. AL'S FLAT - DAY

Al arrives at his front door and puts his key in the lock. The door is already open and he walks into the hall

AL
Shouting
I better be getting robbed by a gun wielding psychopath because that is the only reason I will accept for there being someone else in my flat today!

Al's girlfriend Hannah Phillips (27) is in the bathroom

HANNAH (27)
Shouting
Hi honey, sorry, I'll be out of your hair as soon as I've shaved my legs and done my hair

AL
Done your hair?! You better of started, in fact it better be in the weird towel turban stage by now, otherwise you will be drying it in the hand dryer of a McDonalds toilet

HANNAH
Relax, I won't be long, I'm nearly finished

AL
Really? Because your nearly finished and my nearly finished are completely different things

HANNAH
I know, you said you were nearly finished fixing this shower but it's still ice cold

AL
Actually its perfect for ice baths, all the athletes are using them... Stop changing the subject and get the hell out of the flat!

Hannah exits the bathroom and walks through the hall

HANNAH
10 minutes

Hannah enters the bedroom

AL
Under breath
It's not even in the towel turban.

INT. AL'S BEDROOM - DAY
Hannah is applying cream to her legs Al is looking out the window

HANNAH
When are the boys coming round?

AL
Well, they are supposed to be here soon but if they are on your '10 minute' schedule, I should maybe have asked them to bring some Christmas pudding!

The doorbell rings

AL
That'll be Gaz now and I'll be honest, I'm not comfortable with the pace you are going.

INT. AL'S HALL - DAY

Al opens the front door to Julie Kinnear (29)

AL
What the hell are you doing here? Where is Gary?

JULIE
Hello Al, nice to see you too

AL
Yeah, yeah. Where is he?

JULIE
I have no idea where that waste of space is, you can try calling him but you might have trouble getting hold of him.

AL
Why?

JULIE
I flushed his phone down the toilet

AL
Again?

HANNAH
Shouting
You ok babes?

JULIE
Not really hun, me and Gary split up again

HANNAH
Awwh babes, come through here I'm just doing my nails

AL
NAILS?! I thought it was legs and hair?

Julie walks through to the bedroom
The doorbell rings

AL
If that's Gaz, you two can f**k right off and take your domestic somewhere else

Al opens the door to Steve

AL
Alright?

STEVE
Bad news.

AL
Tell me you brought the beer?

STEVE
I did but that's the problem.......Its Carling

AL
Jesus wept, this is a nightmare

Crying can be heard from the bedroom

AL
shouting
I know how you feel, but crying isn't going to change it from Carling into something drinkable!

STEVE
Who's that crying? Is that Hannah? What's she doing here? Doesn't she know what day it is?

AL
Aye alright William G. Stewart, don't get me started.

AL
shouting
She's leaving soon. And she's taking Paul Gascoigne with her.

JULIE
shouting
I heard that!

AL
Good. F**k off! Steve, you get things sorted in the living room and put that piss-water you are trying to pass off as beer, in the fridge.

Doorbell rings

AL
This better be the pizza, I don't have the strength to put up with much more of this

Serena Davis (27) and Alison Baker (28) are at the door

ALISON
We came as soon as we heard. Where are they?

AL
They're in the fridge. But they've been bought now so there's not a lot we can do about it. We're just going to have to drink them quickly and hope Jay brings something a bit more substantial

ALISON
What? Where's Hannah and Julie?

AL
Oh, there are in there

AL
shouting
But they're just leaving.

Al turns to speak to Steve

AL
This is a horror show. So far the highlight of my day was seeing Susan Boyle on the number 33 bus.

STEVE
Was it actually her?

AL
I doubt it. She tried to steal my shoes.

STEVE
I wouldn't rule it out. Oh and I hate to add to your problems but HD isn't working.

AL
What?!

Al shouts through to Hannah

AL
Hannah, the HD isn't working.

HANNAH
The straighteners are working fine. Why do you need them?

AL
No. HD! What have you done to the TV?

HANNAH
Nothing. It went funny last night when I tried to record Geordie shore and eastenders at the same time so I just turned it off.

AL
It went funny? Is that a technical term?! It probably saw what you were trying to record and killed itself!

Al turns to speak to Steve

AL
Steve, try and fix it.

STEVE
The normal picture is working, it's just the HD we can't get.

AL
What is this? The middle ages? Get it fixed.

The doorbell rings

Al opens the door to a pizza delivery driver

AL
Finally some good news. Thanks mate. I don't suppose you know how to fix a TV do you?

DELIVERY MAN
Eh? No mate, that'll be £21.30.

AL
How much?! Why don't you take my pants off and beat me with them while you're at it?!

DELIVERY MAN
I don't set the prices mate, £21.30 quid.

Al hands over some money

AL
Here you go, there's £25.
The delivery driver fumbles for change

AL
You can arse about all you like, I'm getting £3.70 back. I'll decide if I'm tipping you based on speed of delivery and service, not based on the time it takes you to get £3.70 out of your pocket.

DELIVERY GUY
Here's your £3.70. The lads at the shop said you were a delight.

AL
Thank you.

Al slams the door shut

AL
So nice to see people enjoying their job.

STEVE
It's a real vocation.

AL
Well we have hit some hurdles along the way but now that we have some food, this day may actually be starting to look up.

Steve opens the pizza box

STEVE
There's pineapple on this.

AL
FOR FUCK SAKE!

Al bangs his head on the wall in frustration

INT. AL'S LIVING ROOM. PM

Al and Steve are sitting in the living room watching TV. Half eaten pizza in front of them. A pile of pineapple chunks sits next to the box.
A hairdryer starts up in the background
Al turns up the volume on the TV

Hannah enters the living room

HANNAH
Can you turn that down babes, we can't hear ourselves think in there.
Hannah exits the living room

AL
Are they winding me up? Is this some sort of hidden camera show? Let's ruin the best day of the year and see how long he takes to snap?

STEVE
Calm down, it's not that bad. I'm sure they will be away shortly and anyway the other guys will be here soon.

AL
Steve, this is our day. Transfer deadline day to us is like the Next sale to them. The opposite sex don't understand it, it's a day to be left alone, it's almost like a religion that needs to be followed twice a season, every season.

STEVE
are you talking about deadline day or the Next sale?

AL
Both Steve. Both. But my point is, I wouldn't suddenly appear on the street outside Next at 5 in the morning and start shaving or brushing my teeth would I?

STEVE
I'd hope not.

The doorbell rings

AL
This better be Jay with some proper beer. I've had five cans of that rubbish you brought and I'm still not finding the neds behind the reporters, mooning the camera, funny. Do you know why that is Steve?

STEVE
Because you are still sober?

Al touches the end of his nose

AL
That's another thing I shouldn't be able to do at this stage.

Al opens the door to Gary Jeffries (31)

AL
Alright Gaz?

GARY
Alright mate. Is Julie here?

AL
Nope.

Al slams the door shut

Julie enters the hall

JULIE
Was that my baby? Gary is that you?

GAZ
Hiya gorgeous, I'm sorry about earlier

JULIE
No I'm sorry. I shouldn't have flushed your phone.

GAZ
Its ok, I was out of order.

Julie opens the door and they kiss

AL
Can I assume that you are not here to watch TV Gaz?

GAZ
Sorry mate, maybe next season.

JULIE
C'mon babes we are all in here

Julie leads Gaz to the living room

INT. AL'S LIVING ROOM

The girls are drinking the beer and eating pizza
Al enters the living room

AL
Well you can all get the f**k out of here for a start!
The doorbell rings

AL
No doubt this'll be Jay to say that he can't stay because he is having a sex change operation and needs to stay home to give himself a Brazilian.

Al opens the front door to 3 boxes of Stella lager
Al shouts into the hallway

AL
You are a beautiful man Jason Armstrong, beautiful.

Jay appears from behind the boxes of lager

JAY
Awwh, thanks boyo, shame you're still an ugly f**ker. Where's the grub?

AL
Living room. Prepare to be disappointed.

Jay walks into the living room

JAY
What's all this? Alight Serena? How's things?

SERENA
Piss off you twat.

JAY
Nice. Suppose it's a bad time to ask what your sister's up to?

Serena tries to lunge at him but is held back by the others

SERENA
If he is staying then I am leaving!

AL
Manna from heaven, halleluiah. You can take the Carling with you if you like?

HANNAH
No one is going anywhere. You two are going to sort this out right here and now, I can't have this going on any longer.

AL
Of course we can, you can't love everyone and everyone can't love you. Look at me and Wayne Rooney, the guy just doesn't like me.

HANNAH
Don't be daft. It's a horrible atmosphere, how can we spend any time together like this?

AL
Exactly, we cant. Someone will have to leave. Serena, don't let the door hit you on the arse on the way out. Alison, you can f**k off as well.

ALISON
What did I do?

AL
Nothing, that's the point. You add nothing. Hannah is with me, Julie is with Gaz, Serena is a complete nutjob and then there's you. You're a nutjob by proxy.

HANNAH
Don't let him speak to you like that. Al say sorry.

ALISON
Don't worry babes. Shove it up your shitter Al. C'mon Sel, let's go.

Seems to me it's about a load of people getting ready to watch TV. No plot, too many people who all sound exactly the same.

Hi beaky, thanks for the feedback.
I take your point about the plot, I'll build that into the next edit but essentially the premise is about guys getting ready to watch TV. That's what young guys do on 'deadline day'.

Your point about everyone sounding the same is interesting. Can you expand? Do you mean the male characters are too similar or the males and females are too alike etc?

Thanks again for taking the time to read it.

I think what he means is that if you covered the names, you wouldn't be able to tell which character was speaking. They all speak the same way - there isn't any discernible difference between them.

I would go back to basics and work out who these characters are. How are they exaggerated? What makes them funny? You introduce a lot of characters, but I don't feel like I really know any of them.

Then, build in a plot and go for it. You need a plot. I don't care if 'getting ready to watch TV' is what guys do on deadline day - this is sitcom. You need to give them a goal, put obstacles in the way of them achieving it and create your humour from that.

Good luck.

You're dialogue is pretty good, it sounds quite natural and it moves quite well.
Also there's the feeling of a real plot in there.
But maybe too much banter and to little direction and the characters are a little samey.

I think thin it out, make the plot more central and give the characters more individuality and you're going places.

Frank, Jennie said what I meant.
A minor point - there's really no need to put their exact age after every character! Just say that they're all late twenties/early thirties, or just youngish...

Sooty, thanks for that, I'm glad you found the dialogue natural. I've read enough scripts wherethat's not this case, at least its a tick in the pro column.

Beacky, thanks for the clarification. All taken on board for the edit.
I hope you can all read again once edited and let me know what you think of the progress (if any!)

Cheers agian,

Frank

I actually think this script has a plot. The plot is that Al and the guys want the house to themselves to watch deadline day on TV, while his girlfriend and her friends are the obstacle. It may be a very small scale plot with very little stakes, but it is a plot, so I wouldn't worry on that front.

The dialogue also flows quite naturally, and there are a few decent gags scattered throughout.

My main concerns would be the tone. I assume you are going for a Men Behaving Badly vibe, but you want to be careful you don't make things too cliche. The guys love beer and football, the women do their hair and nails and cry. There is nothing wrong with writing about stereotypes, they do exist, but you should be prepared to undermine these stereotypes and twist the cliches on their head.

Right now it seems that the characters are defined by a very basic outline, and that isn't wholly terrible, it is the opening of a first episode after all, just make sure you flesh each of these characters out and give them each an individual personality beyond male and female cliches.

Overall though I think your writing shows potential, and this idea could work. Have you ever seen the American sitcom The League? I could picture this following a similar tone to that show.

I thought the dialogue read very well with a fair few laughs in there. It was a very simple plot and possibly be a bit to laddy at the moment thereby narrowing it's appeal. But that's fine ifthat's what you were going for. Not got too much to add really. Pretty much agree with everything Martin said.
It's a first Draft so just need to go through and thin it out placing more emphasis on your plot. Don't be afraid to cut out lines that you think are good if they don't forward the plot. Seems like you shouldn't have too much problem thinking of other decent lines that do.

Looking forward to second draft.