New sitcom scene 4 and 5

Thanks for all the feedback on the first 3 scenes. I have taken the comments on board and I'm re writing them. This is what I have at the moment for scenes 4 and 5. Hopefully the plot becomes a bit clear.

Scene 4- INT- the flat

The flat has been tidied. Matt is in the lounge doing press ups.

Matt: 613, 614, 615, 616

Jess walks in and sees Matt.

Jess: oh sorry.

Matt jumps and picks up a picture frame from the side.

Matt: don't come any closer! I'm armed.

Jess: you must be Matt. I'm jess, Danny's girlfriend.

Matt: his girlfriend? He didn't say he had a girlfriend. I don't believe you. Get back!

Jess: look at the picture.

He looks at the picture he is holding and it is of Danny and jess on holiday.

Matt: oh sorry. You can't be to careful these days. (He puts the picture down). That's a nice picture.

Jess: thanks. Where is he?

Matt: he's gone jogging. He's been gone a while, he should be back soon.

Jess: oh. I've just come to get my bag, I left it here yesterday morning. Do you mind if I wait?

Matt: no it's fine.

Jess: thanks. So, 616 press ups. That's quite a workout.

Matt: 616? Oh no, when I'm struggling I do that to give me a bit of a morale boost. I actually did about 15.

Jess: oh. So how long have you known Danny.

Matt: years now. We've been friends since we were 5.

Danny comes in. He picks up the post and walks over to the table and puts it down.

Jess: Oh your back. Why didn't you mention me to Matt. I was nearly attacked with a picture frame.

Danny: What?

Matt: Never mind. How was your jog?

Danny: yeah good. It's the best hangover cure there is. You'll have to come with me tomorrow morning.

Matt: I don't think so. I'm sorry but I just don't see the appeal in jogging.

Danny: ok fair enough.

Danny is looking through the post.

Danny: look at this. Bill, bill, bill and bill. Great.

Matt: How have we got so many bills.

Danny: oh no sorry. These are for Bill. He lived here before me and I still keep getting his post. I have to send them on to him.

Jess: I don't think I've ever seen the place looking so clean.

Danny: yeah I know. I can't even begin to tell you how long it took to clear up.

Jess: I bet it was ages.

Danny: I don't know. I can't tell you because I wasn't here. Matt did it while I was out jogging.

Jess: wow. I think you could learn a thing or two from Matt.

Matt: I thought I would make myself useful. I've done the toilet as well. You could eat your dinner off it now.

Danny: yeah well. We have plates, we might as well use them.

Jess: So Matt, what is he like to live with?

Matt: Yeah he's ok. He does snore quite loudly though, I could here him from my room.

Danny: I don't snore that loudly.

Matt: you do. I thought there was an earthquake at one point.

Danny: well how do you think I feel being woken up by you singing one direction in the shower.

Matt: oh. I didn't know you heard that.

Danny: I wouldn't mind if you could actually sing. Your worse than Jedward.

Matt: what do you mean "if I could sing". I was in the school choir.

Danny: well your school must have been desperate for singers then.

The doorbell goes.

Jess: oh that will be Lucy. We are going shopping so I told her to meet me here.

She goes to answer the door. Matt is looking in the mirror flattening his hair. Lucy and Jess come back in the room.

Lucy: hi.

Danny: hi. Lucy. This is Matt. Hes moved in with me now. He's one of my oldest friends.

Matt: yeah I'm 107. Haha. No I'm not I'm 25.

Lucy: oh nice to meet you Matt.

Matt: you to. Did Danny tell you about the party we're having later.

Lucy: yeah ill be there.

Matt: I'm doing the buffet. Nothing to fancy. Just a small spread. Maybe a cheesecake for desert.

Lucy: great, I can't wait. I can't stay to late though, I'm going jogging early tomorrow morning.

Matt: you go jogging as well. I love jogging. What time do you usually go.

Lucy: about 6.

Matt: AM!!!

Lucy: yeah. Why is that a bit early for you?

Matt: no. A bit late if anything. But I might have a lay in tomorrow and go at about 6 so I'll probably see you there.

Danny: I thought you didn't see the appeal of jogging.

Matt: when have I ever said that?

Danny: a few minutes ago. I said you will have to go jogging with me tomorrow and you said you didn't see the appeal.

Matt: I thought you said something else.

Danny: what?

Matt: errrm, dogging.

Everyone stares at Matt.

Matt: yeah. I thought you said you had been dogging and I should go with you tomorrow. I just don't see the appeal in dogging.

A few seconds silence.

Jess: right well we better get going if we are going to get that train. Come on Lucy.

They walk to the door.

Jess: it was nice to meet you Matt.

Matt: yeah and you. I will see you both tonight. You can have the first sausage roll Lucy.

Lucy: thanks. I'll see you tonight. Bye.

Lucy and Jess leave. Matt turns to Danny looking angry.

Matt: thanks a lot. Why did you tell her I don't like jogging.

Danny: what about you, why did you tell Jess about me snoring? We have had so many arguments about that in the past. Now every time I say I'm not snoring very loud she will bring that up.

Matt: well at least you didn't bring up dogging. She probably thinks I'm a right weirdo now.

Danny: look, we will make a deal. I will put in a good word in about you to Lucy tonight, if you do the same to jess about me.

Matt: right ok. Deal.

They shake hands.

Danny: I still can't believe you bought up dogging.

Scene 5-EXT- Outside the supermarket

Matt has just come out of the supermarket. He has 3 shopping bags in each hand. Martin walks over to him.

Matt: alright Martin?

Martin: not really. I just tripped over. I've cut my knee so I'm just going to get some plasters.

Matt: oh right.

Martin: what's all that stuff for?

Matt: it's for the party tonight.

Martin: you're having a party tonight?

Matt: yeah. Didn't Danny tell you.

Martin: no.

Matt: oh it must have slipped his mind. It's just so I can meet a few more people. You should come along.

Martin: will there be food?

Matt: yes. I'm doing a bit of a buffet. It should be good.

Martin: Have you got celery?

Matt: no I haven't.

Martin: (looking disappointed) oh. It's ok I'll still come, I will just have to bring my own.

Matt: ok great. See you tonight.

Martin: yeah ok. (He scratches his arm). This heat rash is getting worse.

Matt: they're annoying aren't they. When I went on holiday a few years ago, I got quite a bad heat rash. I got some cream and it was fine in a few days.

Martin: oh thanks. I'll try and get some cream in here as well then. Can I have your number so I can let you know what time I'll be arriving tonight.

Matt: err, ok.

Martin gives Matt his phone and Matt puts his number in it.

Martin: thanks. I'll see you tonight.

Matt: yeah, see you tonight.

This seems to pick up a lot more than the previous episodes, there's some actual jokes from character and situation, less expository dialogue etc
The look at the photo frame joke seems especially nice.

What SJ said, this works a lot more than the other scenes. I like the dogging line.

Perhaps, with the press ups, 616 could be "the running total for the financial year. I actually only did 6 just then", or something?

Dogging, jogging is a groaner but not a bad one.

But looking over again the celery line jumps out as being my favourite, it's actually quite inspired.

Matt's deffo coming to life as an character, just why is he so odd?

If you answer that question more stuff may flow more easily,also make Martin a little more nuanced.

I agree that scene 4 was better. I like the Dogging line and felt like it had purpose. Scene 5 seemed a bit weaker and din't really see the point of it apart from to establish that Martin was going to the party.. unless Heatrash cream & Celery pay a part in the future of the plot , which they may well do ??
Although I agree Matt is coming to life and I get that Martin is a bit odd even more of a loser than Matt, I think so far there are too many characters in the first few scenes that are too similar.
Gave me a few smiles though.

Feels like you are finding your rhythm more now. I agree with the others that the voices can sound a little similar.

Just a suggestion-

Danny: I wouldn't mind if you could actually sing.

Matt: what do you mean "if I could sing". I was in the school choir.

Danny: Yes, at Jedward Comp.

I feel it gives better value for the use of Jedward.
Feel free to ignore though.

I like the style of your writing, not a lot of wasted words, something I need to learn. I liked it.

I'm making a rare appearance in critique, so count yourself lucky.

I've just read your previous three scenes, and now these two. These two are a lot better. There are a couple of decent gags here, and the characters are showing signs of life. It could still do with a lot cutting out though, I feel you tend to over-explain and re-explain plot points unnecessarily, and there are still too many lines that are just floating around aimlessly, they are neither jokes or moving the story forward or even developing the character. Really take the time to look at every line and ask yourself, does it serve a purpose?

Also, the "bill, bill, bill" gag is from King of the Hill, so you might want to drop that one.

But there is definitely potential in your writing. The celery line was quirky in a good way. Matt is now starting to come in to his own as a character, but I would suggest not making him too much of a cringey weirdo as I feel that is a character that we have seen a lot in sitcoms, don't be afraid to give him a win every now and then.

Hope some of that helps.

Thanks for the feedback on this. I have cut the opening scene and just started it with Matt moving in with Danny. These are another 2 scenes later in the episode. Let me know what you think.

Scene 7-EXT- a field

Lucy is stretching. The door of the building opens and Matt comes running out.

Matt: Lucy hi. I completely forgot you went jogging in the morning to.

Lucy: hi. I thought I saw someone up at the window.

Matt: I wasn't at the window. It must have been Danny. Shall we get started.

Lucy: don't you want to stretch first?

Matt: I've already done my stretches in the flat.

They start jogging.

Lucy: they're short shorts.

Matt: oh I knew it. Danny said they looked all right. Do you think I should go and change them.

Lucy: no it's ok.

Matt: it's just, now you've mentioned it, I feel a bit self conscious.

Lucy: it's fine. There's this old man I sometimes see over here and honestly, the shorts he wears are even worse than yours.

Matt: well that makes me feel a bit better.

They jog along in silence for a few seconds.

Lucy: so what made you move in with Danny?

Matt: I wanted a change of scenery. My ex cheated on me and I felt like I needed to move away.

Lucy: my ex boyfriend cheated on me as well. I know how hard it can be to get over.

Matt: we have so much in common. Do you believe in fate?

Lucy: no.

Matt: oh my god, neither do I! It's almost like we were destined to meet.

Lucy: maybe.

Matt: have you got a boyfriend now?

Lucy: no.

Matt: neither have I. (A few seconds silence). A girlfriend I mean. I'm not gay. I'm single.

Lucy: So how often do you go out jogging?

Matt: err, a few times a week. You?

Lucy: twice a day.

Matt: although I am thinking of going a bit more often. Really put my body to the test.

Matt is jogging and his foot falls down a rabbit hole and he trips over.

Scene 8-INT- outside the flat

Matt is limping. He has his arm around Lucy and she is helping him home.

Matt: I'm so sorry about this Lucy.

Lucy: it's ok. It's not your fault. Just try not to put to much weight on it.

Lucy knocks on the door and after a few seconds, Danny answers.

Danny: what happened?

Lucy: we were out jogging and he fell down a rabbit hole.

Matt: not all the way.

Lucy: I think you better take him to the hospital, it could be a sprain.

Danny: I was just about to go to the cafe.

Lucy: well you can eat later. Your friend is hurt.

Danny: well why can't you take him?

Lucy: he's not my friend.

Matt: bit harsh. I thought we were getting on ok.

Lucy: we were. I didn't mean it like that. Danny will you just take him to the hospital please.

Danny: oh fine. I'll drop him off at the hospital but I'm not going in with him.

Lucy: fine. Just take him to the door.

Matt: I am standing right here.

Danny: come on then.

Danny gets his car keys and shuts the door. He walks past Matt and Lucy.

Lucy: you've got to help him down the stairs. He can barely walk.

Danny: oh for..

Danny walks back and helps Matt down the stairs. When they get a floor down, Lucy stops.

Lucy: good luck.

Danny: can't you help me get him down the stairs?

Lucy: you can manage. I've got things to do.

Matt: you are still coming to the party tonight aren't you Lucy.

Lucy: I'm not sure. We'll see how your ankle is first.

Matt: it'll be fine. Ill see you tonight.

Danny helps Matt down the next flight of stairs.