Test piece for sitcom

INT Lift Day, SRK and MT are sitting on the floor arms folded.
MTI spy with my eye something beginning with....

SRKLift?

MTShilpa you're amazing, how did you do that? I didn't even get to the first letter.

SRKWe've been in this lift for 2 hours, there's you, me, my handbag and the lightbulb. We've had M, S, HB and LB.

MTWe haven't had S.

SRKSo what?

MTI spy with my little eye something beginning with S.

SRKShoes.

MTYay, you next.

SRKI spy with my little eye something beginning with TS

MTTom Selleck?

SRKYes.

MTThat is sort of cheating, he's not here.

SRKWell if you put some mascara on your upper lip and I took my glasses off. You might look like a small, blurry, Asian Tom Selleck. Well more like Higgins.

MT Thanks, that's a lovely way to speak to your publicist.

SRKYou're my publicist?

MT Yes, didn't you know all those photos I was taking of you, all the premieres I was trying to get you into.

SRKThat's a relief.

MTIs it?

SRKYes I thought you were trying to seduce me. And you know my heart belongs to...

MTA cheesy TV detective from the 1980s, balancing a caterpillar on his upper lip.

SRKNow I know you're my publicist I can fire you, I'm sorry I don't think I can employ anybody who doesn't love Thomas Sullivan Magnum.

TMDon't fire me, please don't, there's this really exciting job I've been working on for you.

SRKReally what is it? Tell me? Tell me?

TMErrr it's, um it's with you know. I spy with my eye, something beginning with.

SRKI need to pee.

TMOh.

It confused me at first with the letters of the names of the characters and the letter of I spy, but I liked the Tom Selleck angle, he is like a less lethal version of Chuck Norris.

Is this actually part of a sitcom? It has a self contained vibe more like a sketch, so I can only look at it like that. As it is, it meanders here and there with little focus before bailing out with no discernible ending.

Whatever happened to your sitcom, Space Pigs?

"MT I spy with my eye something beginning with....

SRK Lift?

MT Shilpa you're amazing, how did you do that? I didn't even get to the first letter.

SRK We've been in this lift for 2 hours"

I absolutely adore this as an opening exchange. Felt the Tom Selleck bit moved about a bit fast for me to really grab it - perhaps it's my mind moving slowly of course. but I think it's the first one.

Thanks it's an Elance, I get a few brief guidelines about characters and then asked to write a test scene.
If I win I get to ghost write the series, well usually another couple of episodes before they run out of money.
But meh it's a learning experience and it pays a bit.
I always set them in a lift, nice blank canvas and unless a character has terrible vertigo can be fitted in.

As for Space Pigs, what a memory Ben. It was a bit of fun, had a very succesful read through. But no real future in it, so I moved onto the next script and then the next.

Drown your darlings as they say,

INT Lift Day, SRK and MT are sitting on the floor arms folded.
MTI spy with my eye something beginning with....
SRKLift?
MTShilpa you're amazing, how did you do that? I didn't even get to the first letter.
SRKWe've been in this lift for 2 hours, there's you, me, my handbag and the lightbulb. We've had M, S, HB and LB.
MTOk grumpy cat, you're go.
SRK Alright, something beginning with TS
MTTom Selleck?
SRKYes.
MTThat is sort of cheating, he's not here, fortunately he's your answer to everything.
SRK If you put some mascara on your upper lip and I took my glasses off. You might look like a small, blurry, Asian Tom Selleck. Maybe more like Higgins.
MT Thanks, that's a lovely way to speak to your publicist.
SRK I keep forgetting you're my publicist.
MT I'm trying, but you're like an espresso, too short and the wrong colour.
SRK I'm not sure why I hire you.
TM Because I work for free, anyway my turn. I spy with my little eye something beginning with T.
SRK We've had Thomas Sullivan Magnum
TM No trouble, I have to pee.
SRK Oh.
This is the final version I'm sending thanks for the feedback

The second version explains the publicist bit better, it didn't work in the first one as it was convoluted that she wouldn't know he was her publicist.
At the same time I think the first version read better and felt less rushed, and you've lost a bit of the intriguing Tom Selleck back and forth.
But it's interesting and has the promise of getting more interesting with the pee thing so yep, it's a good if a tad short and hurried start to a sitcom.

thanks shandy, the Tom Selleck thing is apparently the USP of the sitcom.

As long as it feels a little zesty and not to zig zag I'm happy.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum, what a fab name!

Thats his actual name, I'm hoping my being a big fan of the original will help

Quote: sootyj @ October 6 2013, 8:15 PM BST

MTA cheesy TV detective from the 1980s, balancing a caterpillar on his upper lip.

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Try and slot that line back in, it's a good one.

May do, I kinda liked the vaguely lesbian line about pretending the other character was Magnum, but would probably look more like Higgins.

Quote: Stylee TingTing @ October 6 2013, 10:55 PM BST

Bring back Arthur.

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He never went away he's on local radio if you want to look up his pearls of wisdom.

Quote: Stylee TingTing @ October 6 2013, 11:00 PM BST

That twat on radio is an impostor.

View original

I can assure he is not, I've met him and he is the genuine article.

I like the I spy idea it is funny but it's a bit short. You could probably get a few more jokes in there. Good luck with it.