Scene 1

Internal - Day - Car - Doug is driving. Simon his son is in the passenger seat. Mark who is Simon's best mate is in the back seat.

Doug is driving very fast through the town.

Simon: Slow down for f**ks sake dad, you're guna hit something.
.
Mark: Or someone.

Doug: Don't worry about my driving boys, just worry about my money and how you're going to get it for me.

Simon: I told you Dad, he is sound he'll have the money for me, and he's in his house all day so no need to make all this fuss.

Doug: You don't even know the guy, to trusting you are. It's all them E's you're taking you think every f**ker is nice.

Mark: Slow down Doug. Please.

Simon: He's in the zone now, he won't listen to anybody.

Doug drives straight through a roundabout and hits another car side on.

Simon: Shit.

Mark: F**k in hell.

They all shoot forward on impact, but nobody is seriously hurt the three of them clamber out of the car.

The driver of the other car is unhurt and walks out of his car towards them.

Mark: My god, My god

Simon: Mark It's all right nobody is hurt .

The driver of the other car walks over to Doug shouting at him.

Driver: Are you blind or something? Why didn't you stop. It's a roundabout your supposed to give way to the right. Look at the state of my car, I hope your fully comp mate

Doug: No mate I am fully F**k all. Now do me a favour get back in your car and f**k off.

Doug looks to Simon and Mark.

Doug: You two alright boys?

Simon: Yes just about, I told you to slow down.

Doug: Never mind that now. Mark are you all right?

Mark: In shock but yeah I'm alright

Doug: Good. Get back in the car the pair of you. Simon you drive this time.

They all get back into the car and drive off, leaving the other driver standing in the middle of the road.

END OF SCENE 1

The main problem with this scene is that there's no comedy in it. I assume you're going for some type of comedy drama rather than a full on sitcom? Regardless of this, you still need some laughs - especially in the opening scene. The next problem is that the scene doesn't really set anything down for the rest of the episode. All I can see is that some people need to get some money (no idea what for) and then they have a car crash that they drive away from. I'm going to drag up the old cliché of "you need to hit the ground running" as it's something you need to consider.

Thanks Ben, I see what you mean I didn't know what I was going for and comedy drama would suit it. Yes some people need to get money and then they have a car crash, and the next bit is why they needed to get money and why they had a car crash.

What I was trying to achieve here is a plot, 3 different characters and a little bit of comedy. I knew I was short on the comedy but was thinking the plot was ok, but was not sure if I made 3 characters.

SCENE 2. It does contain swearing mind.

STILL INSIDE THE CAR- SIMON IS DRIVING AT A STEADY PACE.

Doug: Put your foot down a bit your driving like an old woman.

Simon: Don't concern yourself about my driving. You want to worry about the state of this car, you only just bought it of Beaky yesterday and you've wrecked it already.

Doug: I haven't bought of him don't be so stupid, he can't sell it.

Simon: You told me yesterday that you bought Beaky's old car from him.

Doug: The car is on lease he's not allowed to sell it, he wanted to get rid of it and I offered to pay the rest of the lease off, but I don't want it anymore it's a pile of shit he can have it back, it doesn't handle very well, and it looks like it's been in a smash.

THEY ALL LAUGH

Mark: I do think we best go home though, there were loads of witnesses around and that guy is bound to have called the police.

Simon: Yeah dad, Mark is right. I can get the money off Bradley later, like I said the guy is a hermit he never leaves the house, and he hasn't ripped us off in the past.

Doug: Listen now boys. You told me that you would have my money last Thursday and you've been giving me all sorts of excuses ever since, I don't give a f**k if the guy looks like Kermit or not. We are getting my money today.

Mark and Simon both burst into a fit of giggles

Doug: You pair want to lay off the drugs. You should be selling them not taking them all.

Mark: Dad, all we have had is a couple of joints, and you had one with us. Maybe that's why you crashed. You're stoned as f**k.

Doug: Boys I been smoking pot before you even started shitting yellow, I didn't crash because I was stoned, I crashed because you pair were talking shit and I couldn't concentrate.

Mark: You crashed because you were looking at that woman's arse, I seen you looking in the mirror at her, you didn't even see the guy pull out, you were to busy perving.

Doug: Just drive Simon.

Mark: Chuck some music on Si.

SIMON REACHES INTO HIS JACKET POCKET AND PULLS OUT A TAPE FROM THE PILE.

Doug: None of that rave shit now boys, put something tidy on.

Mark: I thought a man of your caliber would appreciate modern music, you're a man of the world, you move with the times and all that.

Doug: It just sounds like a load of banging to me, like 2 skeletons in a tin having a wank.

Simon: We'll educate you now dad, a bit of Top Buzz, and Easy Grove and you'd be waving your hands in the air.

Doug: What I want is for you to get my money of that boy and waving in front of my face. So just drive.

DOUG TAKES THE TAPE OUT OF SIMON'S HAND, OPENS THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT AND PULLS OUT A GENE PITNEY TAPE AND INTO THE CAR STEREO.

Doug: Now that's what I call music. Volume Doug.

Mark: Reminds you off your courting days does it Doug?

Doug: At least we could dance back then, not like you lot jumping about in fields and whistling.

Mark: It's not just about the dancing it's about the togetherness, all wanting the same thing, looking for the same buzz. The unity.

Simon: He won't understand shit like that Mark I wouldn't waste my time. In his era it was all about fighting and who is the hardest.

Mark: Wow Si, you missed the turning for Bradley's.

Simon: Oh I, bloody hell, There's a roundabout down the end of the street I'll turn around there.

Doug: There are no cars on the road just do a U turn look.

Mark: It's alright the roundabouts not far.

DOUG PULLS UP THE HANDBRAKE, THE CAR SCREECHES, AND DOES A U-TURN AND IS NOW FACING THE OTHER WAY.

Mark: Shit Doug you could have killed us all then.

Simon: You f**king prick. That is the last time I drive with you sitting in the passenger seat.

Doug: Did you see his face then? He shit himself.

Mark: It wasn't funny. I never want to drive in the same car as you again.

Doug: Right never mind that, let's go and get my money.

SIMON PULLS OFF AND TURNS INTO A SIDE STREET, HE PARKS NEAR A BUS STOP.

Doug: Right where does he live then?

SIMON POINTS TO A HOUSE ACROSS THE ROAD FROM THE BUS STOP.

Simon: That house by there. Me and Mark will go in you stay by here, he'll get paranoid if he sees you.

Doug: I'm not sitting here on my own, waiting for you pair to have a couple of joints and a chat.

Mark: I'll wait here with you. He talks to much crap for my liking anyway. Nice guy but he don't half talk some shit.

Simon: Right that's sorted I'll go and see him.

SIMON GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND WALKS TOWARDS BRADLEY'S HOUSE.

BACK INSIDE THE CAR:

Doug: Who is this guy anyway, why do you always deal with him?

Mark: He used to be a DJ. He started the underground rave scene off in Swansea. But he liked his drugs too much and it messed his head up, he still does all the drugs but won't leave his house, stays in all day listening to music and doing jigsaws. He doesn't mind people calling around but he just won't go out. .

Doug: And you pair reckon he's a nice guy? He sounds like a right scumbag to me.

Mark: He is a nice guy. He won't rip you off or anything. He is the best person around here to shift anything, everybody knows him and he's always in his house. He's like a corner shop open 24 hours a day.

Doug: So he's the one that sells all your E's for you?

Mark: Yep. We buy in bulk from the money we borrow of you, give them all to Bradley and he shifts them for us.

Doug: So what does he get out of it? How much do you sell them to him for?

Mark: That's the beauty of it we don't. Every 10 E's that he sells he gets one free. And he can shift about 200 a week. He's happy he can get his E's without leaving the house and we are happy because we double our money.

Doug: My money you mean.

MARK TAPS DOUG ON THE SHOULDER GESTURING FOR HIM TO LOOK AS SIMON IS KNOCKING ON BRADLEY'S DOOR AND BRADLEY ANSWERS.

END OF SCENE 2

Carlos, I tried reading through the second scene, but it was nothing but exposition after exposition. You need to be a bit more subtle with how you reveal what's happening.

Thanks for giving it a go ben. I been reading through lots of critique and what I was getting was... It needs a plot, it needs to move, lines should only reveal the character, the plot or be funny. I am trying to get that mix, I kind of thought I nearly got it here.

Quote: Carlos Manwelly @ October 5 2013, 8:17 PM BST

Mark: F**k in hell.

View original

Is that in the imperative? Touches of The Exorcist, there. It's the only bit that made me laugh, I'm afraid.

No it wasn't Gappy, but I like your version. And thanks for reading it And appreciate your honesty, I need to work on the funny a bit more I will have a go. Thanks

SCENE 3 - I have taken on board that I waffle and have tried to cut it down. (though the comedy needs work) It is not for everyone. It's a sort of mix between Trainspotting, Twin Town and Human traffic. That is what I am hoping to achieve anyway.

THE CAR IS PARKED OUTSIDE A HOUSE ON A COUNCIL ESTATE, SIMON HAS GOT OUT AND IS WALKING TOWARDS BRADLEY'S HOUSE. DOUG AND MARK ARE STILL INSIDE THE CAR.

SIMON IS KNOCKING THE DOOR - BRADLEY ANSWERS.

BRADLEY AND SIMON HUG EACH OTHER.

INTERNAL CAR

Doug: What the bloody hell are they doing? Why are they hugging?

Mark: That's what ravers do we hug each other.

Doug: Whatever happened to shaking hands?

Mark: We've moved on from that, we're not afraid to show our emotions like you lot. We live as one family.

Doug: F**king Adams family more like.

CUT TO BRADLEY'S HOUSE, INSIDE THE LIVING ROOM.

Bradley: You got time for a joint Si?

Simon: No my old man and Mark are waiting outside.

Bradley: What about a bong then, I got a mix in the bowl.

Simon: Why not just a small one.

BRADLEY HANDS SIMON THE BONG AND POINTS TO A BOWL ON THE TABLE WITH THE MIX IN.

Bradley: Help yourself mucker.

SIMON FILLS THE CONE OF THE BONG AND LIGHTS IT UP, HE TAKES A DEEP SUCK AND THEN BLOWS THE SMOKE IN THE AIR.

Simon: Like a bird.

Bradley: Nice in it?

Simon: Fair play Brad, you always get the good stuff. Have you got any of that to sell?

Bradley: Yeah I got two 9 bars in a box of rice crispies in the kitchen.

Simon: Snap crackle and pot is it?

Bradley: Nice one, I like that, how much you after?

Simon: Half ounce will do me, just to tide me over for the weekend.

Bradley: Coolio, I'll go and cut it up now.

BRADLEY WALKS OFF INTO THE KITCHEN AND LEAVES SIMON IN THE LIVING ROOM. SIMON SPOTS A JIGSAW ON THE TABLE. ONE OF THEM RAILWAY SCENES, THE TYPE OF JIGSAW YOU GET FROM A CAR BOOT SALE FOR 10P.

AFTER A FEW MINUTES BRADLEY RETURNS WITH THE DEAL IN HIS HANDS.

Bradley: There we are muck...Wooh get away from the jigsaw man.

SIMON STEPS BACK IN SHOCK.

Simon: Calm down you header. I was only having a look.

Bradley: Sorry Si, I can't trust anyone these days, people are coming over and stealing pieces just to f**k with my head. I spent all last week looking for one piece and it wasn't even in my house, some f**ker had it.

Simon: How do you know someone stole it?

Bradley: I count all the pieces before I start. And I counted them again when I couldn't find the bit I was looking for.

Simon: Where do you get them from? Because you never go out.

Bradley: My mother brings them over, she goes to the car boot sale down the market. And I count all the pieces before I start because you never know with them car boots.

Simon: Well you can frisk me before I leave if you want. I haven't touched your jigsaw mate honest.

Bradley: No I trust you Si, I just panicked that's all.

CUT TO CAR - DOUG IS GETTING IMPATIENT AND SLAMS HIS HAND ON THE STEERING WHEEL AND GIVES THE HORN A LONG LOUD BLAST.

BACK IN BRADLEYS HOUSE, SIMON HEARS THE HORN BLASTING.

Simon: Shit I forgot my old man and Mark are outside. Have you got the money for them E's?

Bradley: I haven't sold them all. To be honest I'm not getting good reviews about them from the boys.

Simon: Why? What's wrong? What are they saying?

Bradley: They're all spinning out, making them paranoid. You know Martin, lives by the co-op?

Simon: Yeah I know him.

Bradley: Well he took 2 last week went to a rave in a warehouse and sat under a table all night. He thought everyone wanted to kill him.

Simon: He's head shot anyway. I wouldn't listen to what he says. How much have you got?

Bradley: £900.

Simon: That's ok, I owe my old man £800, and I'll have the rest when you shift them.

Bradley: I'll go and get it now it's upstairs in my safe.

Simon: Cool. I won't move from this spot, your jigsaw safe with me.

BRADLEY LAUGHS AND WALKS UPSTAIRS.

END OF SCENE 3

I've read all three scenes and it all just feels like a conversation that needs to be shorter like the information I gained from their musical tastes could easily be shortened to the kids putting in their rave music into the stereo and Doug being annoyed and puts in his 'real' music in.

Also Bradley could be more interesting if he spent all day watching the same certain film like Godfather or True Romance on repeat and imitates the drug dealer character from there and this imitition throws off the main characters.

Thank you George for putting in the effort, yes you are right after reading it again myself I can see what you mean, it is very clunky and to much waffle.

Nice idea for Bradley I think the film Twin Town would be good and he could repeat the phrases over again.

Thank you again for reading it, and the feedback.