For what it's worth:
ONE LINERS
Tonight we investigate the risk of removing sell-by dates from everyday foods. If a bacon lettuce and tomato sandwich, or BLT, goes bad, it may only stay down for a matter of minutes. By contrast, a bad hairy cornflake, or DLT, could stay down for a very very long time.
In a week where Radio 1's Sara Cox tries a switch to Radio 2 we'll be asking is this a sound move, or if Cox premature emancipation will leave Aunty red in the face. We'd love to hear your views so Tweet using hash-tag DJ Cox trial if you like the idea, or if not, Cox should be pulled.
The shutdown of the US government continues with President Obama having to pull out of a planned trip to Asia. A Spokeswoman said that the president was very disappointed. He'd been looking forward to it for ages as 'Heat of the Moment' is one of his all-time favourite songs.
The Vietnamese people are mourning politician and soldier Vo Nguyen Giap. Whilst he played an important role in defeating the French and the Americans, he will probably be remembered most for founding the successful high street retail chain.
A couple from Winchester have solved the identity riddle surrounding the sitter in their 'Ugly Woman' portrait. Although they are still puzzled why someone would anonymously send them a painting of Kerry Katona.
JACKAPPS
INCREDULOUS MAN: The presidents cup? What sort of prize is that? No cold hard cash? I know there's a recession on but even so... What next... One of Bill Clinton's handkerchiefs? - I suppose it'd still be worth something if there was evidence of his moniker on it.
A BAD TONY BLAIR IMPRESSION: A Muppet phobia? Ridiculous... If she spent... 5 minutes... working with the people I have to work with... she'd be over it pretty damn... sharpish... IN THE BACKGROUND: Er David... Mr Osbourne's here to see you.
SCOTTISH MAN: It's just no fair. Starbucks Drake Hand Guy goes viral with his seduction clip but I send my ex-wife a video of me having a selfie... and all I get is a restraining order.
A VERY POSH MAN: I'd like to complain about that scene in Downton Abbey. It was disgraceful and degrading. That Fellowes fellow should be utterly ashamed of himself. No Under Butler would ever complain when requested to wear gloves.
YOUNG WOMAN: Apparently new research shows stroking your pussy can cause stress. Easy solution. Get a rabbit.
TEENAGER: Sayin the English yoof lag behind in literacy is... is... Woz that say?
UPSET MAN: I want to talk about circumcision... Please don't cut me off.
CORRECTION
Last week we reported that Royal Navy helicopters were being used to fly red squirrels to Tesco... This should of course have been Tresco in the Isles of Scilly... Obviously the squirrels go to Tesco in a car, the same as everybody else.