The Really Real Hustle

This will only make sense if you're a watcher of the Real Hustle I imagine.

TV PROGRAMME: “THE REALLY REAL HUSTLE.” EVENTS TAKE PLACE AS DESCRIBED BY VOICEOVER.

V/O
Welcome to the Really Real Hustle.

BRIEF BURST OF THEME MUSIC. WE SEE THE HUSTLERS HANGING AROUND EATING CHIPS ON A STREET CORNER.

DAVE:
Often people just walk around, not thinking they’re gonna get robbed. Idiots.

CUT TO A BUSY HIGH STREET…

V/O:
This is: “The Bag Snatch.” Dave puts on his hoodie and white trainers and finds a mark: a sour-faced old bat leaving M&S. He snatches her handbag and runs like f**k. There we have it. And if she doesn’t cancel her credit card, he’ll be using it to download a bucket load of porn using next door’s internet connection.

CUT TO THE HUSTLERS HANGING AROUND EATING CHIPS ON A STREET CORNER AGAIN.

KEVIN:
I like getting shit for free, to fund my heroin addiction.

CUT TO A NEWSAGENT’S SHOP…

V/O
This is: “The Shoplift.”
A newsagent’s. Kev and Sharon sidle in and look at the selection of magazines. Don’t be fooled. What they’re really after are the razor blades and vodka behind the counter. But there’s a problem. The shopkeeper has seen the camera crew. Feeling self-conscious because he’s got a previous rape conviction, he wants us to leave. Sensing danger, our really real hustlers make a hasty exit. It looks like their plans have been ruined.

But let’s take a closer look: Kev, unknown to the shopkeeper, has pocketed three tubes of Smarties and a Boost. He’ll be sat on a park bench two hundred metres away chewing his way through his ill-gotten gains, while the bemused shopkeeper is left putting up a sign saying “only two schoolchildren allowed at any one time”.

CREDITS

Next time on The Really Real Hustle: how to thieve a car radio... how to break into an OAP’s home, beat them up and make off with their pension...

…and our hustlers show you how to get drinks off your mates by going into the toilet when it’s your round.

ENDS

I often watch the real hustle, mainly in the hope of seeing Jess being spit roasted by Alex and Paul in some editing suite cock up.

Ok that's not likely, however I like the idea of this, kind of like a 'shameless' version of the real hustle. I can imagine Catherine Tate rinsing this one.

DOH!

Martin's comments have switched on the light. Silly me and now I geddit.

I negleceted to clock that the Hustlers were in fact real scammers. I've been writing all day so my brain's a bit scrambled. Mind you the clue was there in the title.

Yes I like this now my brain is working.

What a silly bunt as somebody once said

The point is that the glamour has been stripped from the show. Mugging an old lady, stealing sweets from a corner-shop etc. is a world apart and yet not a world apart from the show. It could be seen as lampooning the show's glamourising of crime. They've even taken it to Las Vegas or something now to make it glam. One of the hustlers is an ex-model. This on the other hand is a trio of chavs in Croyden. It's not dressed up to be anything other than crime. for example: they always give the scams silly names. Here we have "the bag snatch" and "the shoplift." The 'secret' to this hustle is "he snatches her handbag and runs like f**k." I've stripped the cleverness and the glamour from the show. Puzzled you don't get it really. Still, I thought it was funny anyway !

Quote: Blenkinsop @ February 17, 2008, 2:10 PM

DOH!

Martin's comments have switched on the light. Silly me and now I geddit.

I negleceted to clock that the Hustlers were in fact real scammers. I've been writing all day so my brain's a bit scrambled. Mind you the clue was there in the title.

Yes I like this now my brain is working.

What a silly bunt as somebody once said

View original

Thank God you thought it was OK, I was about to cry!!!

And yes, I'd give that Jess one any day of the week.

It was and I'm a berk see above!

We can certainly all agree on one thing, anyway ^^^!

Blimey

Postman Pat hasn't half picked up

How about?
while the bemused shopkeeper is left putting up a sign saying “only two shoplifters allowed at any one time”.

Good! I watch the real Hustle & the bird is better looking as a brunette

Quote: Charley @ February 17, 2008, 4:16 PM

Good! I watch the real Hustle & the bird is better looking as a brunette

View original

Mm, defo. Sassy.

Like it very good bit of imatative satire. Could work like one of those old school Alexi Sayle false intros. N.b. though would make the VOs punchier, and possibly put more of a twist. E.g. make it sound like they're going to do something more sophisticated.