Bond in Reality

I think the idea might be better than my execution has made it...

James Bond In Reality #1

M
Good Evening Mr Bond.

Bond
M'am

M
That's enough of the formalities. We have a piece of work that only you can complete James.

Bond
Yes M'am.

M
This is unlike any work you've done before. MI6 has had to clean up its act James and put some procedures in place.

Bond remains silent

M
As a result we need you to complete this form.

M hands Bond a form.

M
This is your return to work form. We need a reason why you disappeared after your last mission and didnt report back for 2 months.

Bond
But I've always done that M'am. I'm an international man of mystery.

M
Yes but I have payroll on my back. We've paid you £4000 in the last two weeks and you're nowhere to be seen.

Bond begins to fill in the form.

M
And Bond, Don't use the red pen. We can't afford colour pens anymore.

James Bond In Reality #2

We see a man sitting behind a desk with filling in some paper work. Theres a knock at the door.

Man behind Desk
Come in

Bond Enters

MAN BEHIND DESK
And you are?

Bond
The name's Bond, Jam...

The man behind the desk interrupts

MAN BEHIND DESK
Ok Bond. Take a seat. I'm the managing director of the internal affairs department

BOND
The what?

MAN BEHIND DESK
The internal affairs department. We look after all workplace incidents and reports. And your name has come up quite a bit...

Bond gets up and points a gun at the man.

MAN BEHIND DESK
Ohthat's enough of the amateur dramatics. Your license to kill has been revoked. We don't go in for that kind of thing anymore. Our main negotiating skill is our mind and our mouth.

Bond
I've got a mind to shut your mouth right now

MAN BEHIND DESK
Your threatening behaviour is one of the reasons why you're here. Look at this list of misdemeaners..

The man behind the desk reveals a long unravelling list of complaints. Bond smirks

Bond
Someone's been busy...

MAN BEHIND DESK
Your cavalier attitude won't cut it here. We have stockholders now! And look, you're attitude to women is pre-historic! You're a womanising chauvinist! Take Connie Lingus for example! You have to stop this!

Bond
Oh I remember her. You never forget a woman like that... Although can I let you in on a secret?

MAN BEHIND DESK
Yes of course Bond. We're here to help..

Bond
I was getting too old for all of that anyway. By the end I was taking viagra to help me.

MAN BEHIND DESK
Oh really? So did it help?

Bond
Yes I did it helped me roger more

The first one establishes a good premise, but I agree that you don't execute it very well as it fizzles out. I think there's room for a much longer sketch there. In the second one, there doesn't appear to be much happening and that's why it failed for me.

I quite like the "help me roger more" line even though I'm sure its been done before a million times. But I think Bond confessing to being apathetic about womanising desrves its own more developed sketch

Trouble is that even Ian Fleming, who wasn't exactly famous for his wit, wrote scenes where the secret service decided to care about things like Bond's health and safety.