NJ: Weapons Watchdog

Rather stupidly wrote this on Sunday then forgot to send it in on Monday morning. I don't find it hilarious myself, but I've been struggling to get the Newsjack wavelength. Please let me know if you think this is their type of stuff (although, I have a feeling that even if they found it funny, it might not get used due to the fact that it's about a story where people have been killed). Plus it needs a punchline. Any comments appreciated.

JUSTIN:You may have been surprised to read headlines this week that Syria has handed over details of their chemical weapons to Watchdog. We go over now to Anne Robinson to find out more.

GRAMSWATCHDOG FANFARE & THEME

ANNE:Tonight on Watchdog: Cosmetics that cause rashes, is Madame Tussaud's too expensive? And, do Syrian Presidents have enough consumer protection when buying chemical weapons? Mr Assad thinks not.

GRAMSWATCHDOG FANFARE

ANNE:And we tackle that story in our first segment: Rouge State Traders. We have with us the President of Syria, Mr Bashar Al Assad. Mr Assad, what is the problem?

ASSAD:Well, I bought some chemical weapons a few years ago, in the hope of killing a greater number of civilians, but they turned out to be duff

ANNEuff?

ASSAD:Yes, essentially they killed the same amount of civilians as conventional weapons, and frankly I've got conventional weapons coming out of my left earhole - I get a good deal from the United Kingdom and the US. Yes, good old UK, they allow us to kill thousands of civilians with conventional weapons, never had a problem. But I wanted something with a bit more pizazz, something that says 'We need to be invaded by the US immediately'. Something that will put Syria on the map.

ANNE:I think it's more likely to remove it from the map, actually.

ASSAD:Anyway, it turns out that Sarin only has a half-life of about a year, but it was still well within the 'best before' date on the package. It was so weak that even the UN couldn't find any traces of it.

ANNE:And have you contacted the seller about this?

ASSAD:Yes. But they said that chemical weapons are excluded from their normal returns policy if they had been used in violation of international law. But I mean, come on, how else are you going to use them?

ANNE:Well, we sent an undercover team to confront the arms dealer who sold you those weapons.

F/XTHE SOUND OF RUNNING AND HIDDEN MICROPHONES, COMMOTION.

MATT:Matt Allwright, BBC's Watchdog! Do you think it's fair to sell shoddy weapons of mass destruction?

ARMS DEALER:Ah! Leave me alone!

MATTo you? I think it's morally reprehensible! How do you sleep at night? With all those civilians still alive!

ARMS DEALER:Look, those were quality chemical weapons capable of killing thousands of people. There weren't used as directed!

F/XFINISH

ANNE:Well, Mr Assad, you'll be pleased to know that they have offered you vouchers towards your next purchase.

ASSADointless. From now on I'm buying all my weapons from the UK and the US. It's still the best method for abusing human rights.

END

Feels like a bit of a sledgehammer to crack a nut and not very newsjacky. I would say it needs trimming right down but honestly I think it needs some jokes. I cannot really see the points at which people might laugh.

Sorry to be so negative, so please remember - WTF do I know!

I do however think you have an idea here, but It needs to be a lot sharper and a lot darker, and then submitted elsewhere.

I think it would be a decent one liner - watchdog is english television show, but it doesn't work as a sketch in my opinion. And the premise is too dark for NJ I think

It's good unrelenting biting satire. Enjoyed it a lot. But far too dark in tone for Newsjack IMO.

2 x too dark
1 x make it darker! (although, sub it somewhere else)

I think I agree with all the points made. I struggle to come up with concepts that fit NJ, and when I do I then struggle to fit jokes in to that concept.

Ho hum. Must try harder.

Thanks for the feedback.