Here are the first 7 pages of my pilot comedy series.
1. INT. BOARDROOM OF DREARY FOOTBALL CLUB - 9.10 AM MONDAY
TIM GOLD 33, is preparing to chair the weekly board meeting. An amateurish corporate man, he is attempting to set up the overhead projector.
In comes JERRY GRUBB, 56, stubborn and rude. With him is MAREK SCHIMA, 44, a shady Polish guy, in tight shorts more akin to hot pants. They are running 10 minutes late.
TIM
Good evening gentlemen. Hope you didn't have any problems finding the place.
TIM chuckles to himself whilst looking at his watch. Greeted with silence.
TIM (CONT'D)
Cor what's that sm-
JERRY
I found this degenerate outside, with his head in a pool of his own piss.
JERRY guides a stumbling and groaning MAREK to his chair.
TIM
Jesus! Are you sure?
JERRY
What do you mean am I sure? Of course I'm sure. He tends to smell like this every bloody Monday morning.
TIM
Ok ok, I was hoping on the off chance it could be something other than urine.
JERRY
Like what?
TIM
Perhaps a new Polish cologne?
TIM and JERRY both look up and down at MAREK.
JERRY
Remind me why you keep this thing about the place?
A drunk MAREK gets up and heads to the corner of the room. He starts to slide his shorts down.
TIM
Stop Marek, stop!
TIM retrieves him just in time and plonks him back down on his chair, managing to slide a newspaper on the chair first.
JERRY
This is no way to run a football club. Frankly it's embarrassing. How you two are deemed fit and proper persons I will never know.
TIM
Come on Jerry don't be so hard on him. He does a great service around this club - if you fancy brushing up on your Polish, then be my guest. We could look to set up some informal classes with the players?
JERRY
They should all be speaking English in my book. Having a quarter of the team made up of foreigners is beyond me. I warned you but as usual you wouldn't listen. Importing cheap labour isn't always the best way to go you know.
TIM
But what else could we do? Things are tight enough. It's not often that you can find quality footballers who double as experienced and reasonably priced roofers.
JERRY
If you had listened to me in the first place and had that stand repaired we wouldn't be in this predicament.
MAREK
(hungover)
Coffee.
JERRY shakes his head at MAREK.
2. INT. BOARDROOM OF DREARY FOOTBALL CLUB - LATER
TIM, JERRY and MAREK are gathered in the boardroom. TIM angrily presses the clicker for the overhead projector. It fails to work.
TIM
I'd actually prefer just to run through these print outs.
JERRY
Can do I guess.
TIM
Marek you with us?
MAREK
Yes, yes better now.
TIM
Good, everyone's raring to go. Time is 9.15, All are present with no apologies.
MAREK
I'm sorry for...
TIM
Marek, no. That's not quite what we're after.
JERRY
This is not confessional hour and frankly I don't think I could stomach what you have to say first thing. Here's a tip for you - if you have something you need to confess that badly I suggest you go to the village church on a Sunday.
TIM
Yes, thank you Jerry. Secondly, matters arising from the last minutes, which I have...
The speakerphone rings.
TIM (CONT'D)
(into phone)
Hello?
LUCY WOOD, 22 pretty, WAG wannabe - think Amy Childs.
LUCY (V.O)
Alwight? I've Teddy on the phone for ya.
TIM
Great, put him through.
Beat.
TIM (CONT'D)
Teddy, how are you my friend?
TEDDY BINGHAM, 38, drawn out heavy Scouse accent.
TEDDY (V.O)
Ok, thanks Tim. We on speaker, private line or what?
TIM
Yes on the squawk box super Ted.
TEDDY (V.O)
What's that?
TIM
The speakerphone.
TEDDY (V.O)
Why didn't you say speakerphone?
TIM
I'm just excited. I'm still grinning from the win on Saturday. Knew I'd made the right decision putting you at the helm.
TEDDY (V.O)
Thanks for the kind words and that Tim but any chance we can get off this loudspeaker?
TIM
I've got nothing to hide, I love the transparency of this club, from the board to the management to the players. It just so happens that I'm sitting here with Jerry and Marek - plotting how we can keep the club going forward and giving you every opportunity to compete on the field.
TEDDY (V.O)
Nice, but to be honest that's kind of why I'm calling. I've had enough Tim.
TIM
Of the phone call?
TEDDY (V.O)
The club. You all might as well hear it. I've been pissed off for a while. Me job is hanging by a thread because I don't think you's have the money to keep this club going. I need to look after number one.
TIM
Ok ok, let's keep calm here. There's nothing wrong with the finances....
Silence.
TIM (CONT'D)
How about me and you have a chat on the private line in my office and I take it off all this loudspeaker nonsense? We don't need to be sharing all this.
TEDDY (V.O)
Nothing is going to change mate. I've made my decision. You need to accept this as my formal resignation. I was gonna pop in but you know...
TIM
Is there anything I can do to try and convince you to stay? Pleassseee. What about the lads? They'll be devastated to lose you.
TEDDY (V.O)
Afraid not my mind is made up.
TIM
I'm very disappointed considering the opportunity we gave you... can I ask you to give me 24 hours?
TEDDY (V.O)
No point. I'm done.
Beat.
TIM
You staying in management...or?
TEDDY
There's an opportunity I'm exploring at Milton Town.
TIM is furious.
TIM
What?! You complete and utter c...
JERRY presses the end call button on the speakerphone just in time.
3. INT. BOARDROOM OF DREARY FOOTBALL CLUB - LATER
TIM, JERRY and MAREK are still in the boardroom.
TIM
Can you believe that?
JERRY
Typical Scouser if you ask me.
TIM
Well I'm sorry for getting a bit hot under the collar gentlemen, but after all we've done for him and he decides to join Milton.
MAREK
(shaking head)
Milton Town
TIM
Well I tell you now, he's working his notice period - they'll learn not to mess with Tim Gold.
JERRY
He's only on a week.
TIM
A week? Who gave him that?
Beat. The penny's dropped.
TIM (CONT'D)
Ah... and citing our poor finances as the main reason. I mean really.
JERRY
More to the point how does he know? We really don't want this getting into the hands of our sponsors or stakeholders.
Speakerphone rings.
LUCY (V.O)
I have a phone call for you Tim Tim. Didn't catch the name babes.
TIM
(into phone)
Tim Tim....Ok, put them through.
Beat.
TIM (CONT'D)
Hi, your speaking with Tim Gold.
CALLER (V.O)
Hi Mr Gold, this is Sanjay calling from CP Collections. Do you have a moment to talk about your...
TIM
No thank you.
TIM ends call. Trying desperately not to lose face.
TIM (CONT'D)
Must be wrong number.
4. EXT. OUTSIDE OF CHANGING ROOMS - LATER
A group of players are gathered near the changing rooms. All gossiping.
PLAYER#1
Can you believe Teddy is leaving?
PLAYER#2
(broken English)
This club is going down the toilet. Yes?
PLAYER#3
If I miss one weeks wages I'm out of here.
