My first sketch

Feedback appreciated

THE RAT CATCHER



F/X: DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES



FRIEND#1: How did the job interview go?



FRIEND#2: I didn't get it, they gave it to a dog



FRIEND#1: Oh well mate, i'm sure you'll get the

next one.



FRIEND#3: Well what did you expect? Of course

they'd choose a dog over you



FRIEND#1: Don't listen to him, you've got lots of

things going for you.



FRIEND#2: Maybe he's right, but I just hate rats

so much.




FRIEND#1: We all do mate. We all do



FRIEND#3: It doesn't matter how much you hate

rats, you cannot be a rat catcher. Well

you can, but you can't kill them

yourself, that's what terriers are for.



FRIEND#2: I'm as good as any terrier.



FRIEND#1: Yeah, you are mate. Leave it Andy!



FRIEND#3: I'm not saying you're bad at catching

rats, for a human, just that dogs are

better, and it's weird anyway. My

girlfriend hasn't come back to the flat

since she saw you... On all fours

shaking a rat between your teeth.



FRIEND#2: Well I need to practice.



FRIEND#1: How about you just focus on your other

job for now, after all, the R.S.P.C.A

need all the help they can get.



FRIEND#2: I guess..

Hi John, if this is your first sketch then well done for giving it a go and posting it up here.

I'm not getting much out of this I'm afraid. I'm not sure where the humour is coming from - if it's set up and reveal, the set up is too long and anyway I'm afraid I don't get the reveal.

This is not one I'd suggest rewriting but rather have a think about the journey you want to take the audience on. Can the characters in the sketch be funny in their own right? Particularly important with a longer sketch. Can you escalate the situation or the dialogue to bring the sketch to a crescendo and then deliver the punchline.

Topical sketches may or may not be your thing but over the next few weeks they'll be loads of sketches going up in critique that don't make the cut for Newsjack. Have a look at your favourite ones and why they work for you.

Alison

I kind of like the idea, but part of the problem is that it's indirect - instead of seeing the job interview itself, we're getting second-hand reportage of it. And the fact that we're told straightaway that the job went to a dog gives the game away - surely that's the punchline really.

What about if the sketch was recast as a job interview in which it gradually emerged that the interviewer was behaving as if he or she was interviewing a dog (offering conditions suitable for dogs...), oblivious to the fact that there was a human in front of them - until the penny finally dropped? I can imagine the interviewee then revealing that he or she's a human and the interviewer being totally shocked by this.

Sit!

It's an excellent idea, very good.

But you made 2 mistakes one it's rambling and over explained.

2, why are you telling us this funny story and not showing it?

I pretty much agree with these guys, it's funny but you've got it back to front, perhaps, the dog angle should be revealed throughout the sketch to make it interesting.

Maybe the discussion reveals that he was acting like a dog in the interview, because "dogs are brilliant at catching rats". When told that's stupid, he says "Yeah, I knew I should have been a cat". He reveals that he's got a brand new idea for his next interview - cut to image of him laying on a desk with his mouth open, a little bit of cheese on his tongue, whilst 3 suited interviewers look very confused.

Good first effort, though, you've definitely hit upon a funny concept.

I like the concept, but I agree with the above. If the humour happened in the interview why not write about the interview. And I'm not sure they needed to be two friends. The friend could oppose the idea whereas the wannabe rat catcher supports it, so no need for a 3rd character I think

Thanks for all the feedback guys. The reason I didn't set it in the job interview was that I didn't want the punchline to be that he was human; I wanted that to be the set-up and the humour to come from the supportive friend and the more down to earth one putting him down. But perhaps I was wrong to do that, I've written other sketches since writing this one and they all vary in style and maybe I just got the style slightly wrong for the concept with this one. Thanks again though, I really appreciate the feedback

I rather liked it as a piece of writing, although others are absolutely right that in a sketch it needs to lead to the reveal. I didn't see that it was called 'The Rat Catcher' so enjoyed the possibility that the guy was so down on his luck he applied for a normal job and they gave it to a dog. The sketchness of the sketch is just this though

Quote: John Groats @ September 12 2013, 8:49 PM BST

FRIEND#1: How did the job interview go?



FRIEND#2: I didn't get it, they gave it to a dog



FRIEND#1: Oh well mate, I'm sure you'll get the

next one


FRIEND#2: But I just hate rats

so much.


FRIEND#1: We all do mate. We all do

View original

Quote: John Groats @ September 13 2013, 12:13 PM BST

Thanks for all the feedback guys. The reason I didn't set it in the job interview was that I didn't want the punchline to be that he was human; I wanted that to be the set-up and the humour to come from the supportive friend and the more down to earth one putting him down. But perhaps I was wrong to do that, I've written other sketches since writing this one and they all vary in style and maybe I just got the style slightly wrong for the concept with this one. Thanks again though, I really appreciate the feedback

View original

I think the real trick is to have the guy in the room with his dog being interviewed and still it's a surprise when it's the man who wants the job.

Quote: gappy @ September 13 2013, 9:52 AM BST

I pretty much agree with these guys, it's funny but you've got it back to front, perhaps, the dog angle should be revealed throughout the sketch to make it interesting.

Maybe the discussion reveals that he was acting like a dog in the interview, because "dogs are brilliant at catching rats". When told that's stupid, he says "Yeah, I knew I should have been a cat". He reveals that he's got a brand new idea for his next interview - cut to image of him laying on a desk with his mouth open, a little bit of cheese on his tongue, whilst 3 suited interviewers look very confused.

Good first effort, though, you've definitely hit upon a funny concept.

View original

What this man said.

The idea kind of reminded me of a character from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - not because it's derivative, just because it reminded me of this particular guy. So basically, you might like that show.

I would really like to see an interview in which a man uses his body to catch rats. Could there be a scene in which he sabotages the other (dog) interviewees as well? At the end as he's walking out he could do something to them? Dunno...

I would definitely do it direct. Not indirect. I don't think he should discuss it at all.

Thanks guys, I'll have a go re-writing it as a direct sketch. Because you've been so helpful would you mind reading a sketch I sent to 2525?

robot

Having just successfully performed the final test on their time machine, the inventors discuss what era they should visit first

Jeff

Let's visit the Romans

Kath

No

Steve

Henry VIII's court.

KATH

No, how about 2425

JEFF

That's so boring Kath, what's wrong with the Tudors, or even Victorian London?

STEVE

Ooh, Victorian London. Good one Jeff.

JEFF

Thanks steve

KATH

No, we can't go.

STEVE

why not?

kath

You can't guess?

STEVE

Nope

KATH

Maybe because I'm a woman, and black, and gay.

STEVE

Oh yeah, I'm sure it'll be fine though.

KATH

Really? You don't think I'll be persecuted at all?

JEFF

Well as long as you don't get off with any women it should be fine.

KATH

Jesus Jeff! What about me being black any helpful suggestions there?

JEFF

Well we could visit an African country

STEVE

No, I burn too easily

JEFF

Actually yeah, I'd have to change as well. But hang on I've just had an idea, it's a bit out there but what if we just grab some talcum powder or white paint...

KATH

If you're about to suggest I white up, I will slap you.

STEVE

A Burkha!

KATH

What?

STEVE

Wear a burkha

KATH

Yeah because Muslims have always been readily accepted, and besides I don't want to have to deal with any sexism.

Jeff

Well I know a great surgeon who should be able to squeeze you in tomorrow if Steve doesn't mind waiting.

SOUND: slapping sound

Doesn't seem right to critique a sketch that's been sent off and is being considered!

Sorry AJGO, I don't expect it to be included in the show, I did it more as an exercise and would like to improve it, and there's no need to shout

Maybe I'm misinterpreting your post but it seems like you maybe think I was criticising you, which I very much wasn't and apologise if I managed to give that impression. You have as much chance as anyone does with this show, especially since we don't really know what their approach to it will be, and people working on shows do read this site so I merely meant for you to know that your request wasn't being ignored but to my mind it would be unfair on you, and them, to start discussing this piece of work while it was still in the running.

That seems fair enough to me, I didn't think of that. And I didn't think you were criticising me, I just thought it was irrelevent that it had been sent out as I saw it as a writing exercise. I find it very hard to not inadvertenly sound sarcastic when I'm typing, it's my fatal flaw. That and the murdering