If films were more like real life. 1

SCENE 1

Buffallo Bill is standing over the pit in his basement.

BB
It puts the lotion on the skin, or else it gets the hose again.

GIRL(OOV)
No! Let me out you mad man!

BB Grabs a hose points it into the pit turns it on nothing happens.

SCENE 2

Buffallo Bill is in his office, looking through a pile of envelopes with written on them in red is.
"water bill final demand"

SCENE 3

Buffallo Bill is once more standing over the pit.

BB
It puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the water pistol again!

GIRL (OOV)
No you psycho!

Buffallo Bill pulls out a small water pistol and ineffectively squirts it into the pit.

Is Water Bill Buffalo Bill's brother?

Oh very good

FLASH CASINO BAR - 007 APPROACHES GLAMOROUS WOMEN SAT ON HER OWN

007 - "The names Bond, J..."

Woman - "I know who you are. You don't remember me, do you?"

007 - (flustered) "Sorry, er, no."

Woman - "No, I didn't think so. China White Christmas party last year?"

007 - "I meet a lot of people in my line of work, apologies if we have met before."

Woman - "Met before?" - Laughs - "We did more than meet, you lousy bastard."

007 - (Squirming even more) "Oh, Yes. How could I forget, how have you been......"

Woman - "It's Tracy."

007 - "Thats the one, Tracy."

Woman - (Sarcastically) "How could you forget? You said it was your favourite name."

007 - "Listen Tracy, I'm sorry about not remembering you.."

Woman - "Or calling."

007 - "...Or that, but listen. I have classified information that the man you're seeing is an international terrorist and that you're in grave danger."

Woman - "Jealous are we?"

007 - "What? Dont be rudiculous, I'm trying to help you. Come with me if you want to live."

Woman - (Loudly and slightly drunk) "Listen, James, if that's even your real name. That line might have worked when I was two sheets to the wind on free Lambrini, but I don't buy all this spy bollocks.

TWO BURLEY LOOKING HENCHMEN COME OVER AND ASK 007 TO COME WITH THEM IMMEDIETLY, DRAGGING HIM AWAY

Woman - (Shouting) "And just for the record, I've had longer shits than you lasted in bed!"

END

Loved it sootyj, one of my favourite films.
Maybe you could do the Clarice meets Hannibal in the cells scene, due to cutbacks he's run out of towels and passes her a square of loo roll through the grill.

So this is turning into a fun thread, jolly good. Nice sketch character and interaction are good enough that the punchline disapoints a little.

HANNIBAL LECTER STANDS IN HIS CELL ADRESSING SOMEONE OUTSIDE THE CELL(WE CAN'T SEE WHO)

LECTER
....I ate his liver with some favar beans and a nice Chianti.

UNSEEN PERSON
No wonder you got round worms, if you're eating none FDA approved meat.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL HANNIBAL HAS BEEN ADRESSING A GP

Like the James Bond idea Nick, not so much the punch.

Quote: Shandonbelle @ September 13 2013, 11:31 AM BST

Loved it sootyj, one of my favourite films.
Maybe you could do the Clarice meets Hannibal in the cells scene, due to cutbacks he's run out of towels and passes her a square of loo roll through the grill.

View original

That's freaky! I type that whilst you were posting.

Quote: Shandonbelle @ September 13 2013, 11:31 AM BST

Loved it sootyj, one of my favourite films.
Maybe you could do the Clarice meets Hannibal in the cells scene, due to cutbacks he's run out of towels and passes her a square of loo roll through the grill.

View original

Oh I don't mind if this thread organically turns into movie pastiches it's all good.

That's what I thought so edited my post...fire away everyone.

Quote: sootyj @ September 13 2013, 11:40 AM BST

That's freaky! I type that whilst you were posting.

View original

The entire film could be reworked, strangely I just like the interaction parts between Clarice and Hannibal, the gory bits have never done it for me.

Yeah, I'm at work so rushed the ending a little. Sorry for intruding Sooty, just thought it be fun if others did some if movies where real life.

Great work by the way.

CRAWFORD: You spook easy Starling?

CLARICE TURNS TO FACE JACK CRAWFORD, HE'S WEARING A CLOWN MASK.

Quote: Nick81 @ September 13 2013, 11:49 AM BST

Yeah, I'm at work so rushed the ending a little. Sorry for intruding Sooty, just thought it be fun if others did some if movies where real life.

Great work by the way.

View original

More Bond please Nick

Edited the ending, it's not much better. I'll attempt some tonight when I'm on the lap top.

JAMES BOND IS BEING LEAD AWAY FROM BLOFELD'S VOLCANO BASE, HIS HANDS HANDCUFFED BEHIND HIS BACK BY 2 POLICE MEN.

JAMES BOND
What do you mean my licence to kill expired?

Quote: sootyj @ September 13 2013, 12:54 PM BST

JAMES BOND IS BEING LEAD AWAY FROM BLOFELD'S VOLCANO BASE, HIS HANDS HANDCUFFED BEHIND HIS BACK BY 2 POLICE MEN.

JAMES BOND
What do you mean my licence to kill expired?

View original

Nice.