A sketch about light speed travel and no "it's all relative" joke? 
On the safety angle, why not have him expressing uncertainty about it rather than asking flat out? Something like...
"Are you sure these things are really safe? I heard the brakes failed on one last week and it went straight down a black hole. If it were up to me I'd take a hypercab, but I want to get her home before she gets chilli."
And of course wormhole/umnderground jokes.
I agree with Ben's points. Also, the sketch doesn't seem to be about anything. What is the killer premise? There are funny ideas and potential with it - I like the idea of people who are able to travel at light speed opting for a night out in Balham, for example.
One final point, your only female character's purpose appears to be compared to a kebab and then being the object of a threesome request. Not sure whoever plays that will reckon much to the sketch. Try to share the laughs round.
Quote: sootyj @ September 11 2013, 1:22 PM BSTIt's a great idea, a great title and the kebab joke is excellent.
Thanks Sooty.
I am fascinated by the fact that most people liked the girlfriend/kebab joke. I liked it and I am not sure that even I understand it! It is the most surreal part of the sketch.
Quote: Ben @ September 11 2013, 7:16 AM BSTI think futuristic travel is a good idea to tackle and avoids the obvious mutant/robot angles. However, I felt the sketch featured a lot of questions beung asked about the bus ride which the passenger would have already known the answers to.
Yes I tried to come at the brief from a slightly different angle (tried to anyway).
The mans questions were triggered by the (deliberate) comments of the driver. I may not have made this clear in the dialogue but the driver is trying to scare passengers away to allow him an early finish.
I could emphasise this by having the Controller say 'What again? That might make it clearer.
Quote: sootyj @ September 11 2013, 1:22 PM BSTBut it's too long, as has been said the style is to question/answer what I call zigzag writing.
Also you're not having enough fun with a bus that crosses the speed of light. If your oyster is empty, can you wait till you cross the speed of light and return to a point where it had credit?
Would you're increasing density mean that if you wen upstairs you couldn't get back down again?
It's 'too long' and you are suggesting additional ideas? I tried to keep the length to £72 oops.. I mean keep it under 2 minutes. Would love to see your take on it, be my guest.
You can make it more efficent and shorter, as for the kebab joke it's a surreal joke. But one where the referrence hit simultaneously so it's kind of an instant joke bomb in the brain.
Quote: AndyGilder @ September 11 2013, 1:36 PM BSTA sketch about light speed travel and no "it's all relative" joke?
On the safety angle, why not have him expressing uncertainty about it rather than asking flat out? Something like...
Thanks Andy - as I mentioned above I need to make the drivers motives clearer.
Thanks
Quote: playfull @ September 11 2013, 7:01 PM BSTI tried to keep the length to £72 oops..
Quote: Badge @ September 11 2013, 1:53 PM BSTWhat is the killer premise?
One final point, your only female character's purpose appears to be compared to a kebab and then being the object of a threesome request. Not sure whoever plays that will reckon much to the sketch. Try to share the laughs round.
Don't have a killer premise (embarrassed). Just went for silly...
Understand the gender point. Driver could be either sex but the kebab/girlfriend gag only seems to work this way round a kebab/boyfriend just isn't as funny, and I have no idea why...
Of the five sketches I sent in 3 had male/female characters and two were not gender specified.
Thanks for your comments
Quote: sootyj @ September 11 2013, 7:05 PM BSTYou can make it more efficent and shorter, as for the kebab joke it's a surreal joke. But one where the referrence hit simultaneously so it's kind of an instant joke bomb in the brain.
Thanks
Don't get me wrong I am not against the gag - I wrote it and I like it... but what are people understanding? What are they visualising? Is she a Woman? a Kebab? A 2525 talking kebab? A mutant that looks like a kebab? A kebab that has mutated? A woman kebab hybrid?
I am just intellectually intrigued that the gag works with no set up, explanation or supporting references. And at the same time people who liked and accepted this gag are questioning the 'logic' (for want of a better word) in the setup of the rest of the sketch?
I am not at all criticising those people who all made perfectly valid and useful points. I am just trying to understand why something is 'just funny'.
Thanks to all
Quote: playfull @ September 11 2013, 7:31 PM BST... but what are people understanding? What are they visualising? Is she a Woman? a Kebab? A 2525 talking kebab? A mutant that looks like a kebab? A kebab that has mutated? A woman kebab hybrid?
To me 'she' is a kebab who believes she is a woman, and it works because of her indignation at being talked about like a mere kebab.
Quote: Shandonbelle @ September 11 2013, 7:44 PM BSTTo me 'she' is a kebab who believes she is a woman, and it works because of her indignation at being talked about like a mere kebab.
Hi Shandon, yes I think I agree. But isn't language great -
DRIVER: Yes, but you can't bring your kebab on.
MAN: That's not a kebab, that's my girlfriend.
GIRLFRIEND: How rude!
Those three lines say nothing really and yet because we are in 2525 mode we accept them as they are and our imaginations fill in all the missing stuff - and do it faster than a speeding Light Bus!
You know if I laugh to be a hundred I will never understand this comedy lark...
Hi Perry,
Feel free to ignore my comments on this as I'm not brilliant at writing sketches (although do occasional script editing!) and perhaps that's because I have odd taste since lots of people do massively like this. But in answer to your question, I really didn't like the kebab joke- I pictured the woman as a woman. Who was compared to a kebab. Not nice, but a surrealist tangent since the driver's eyes are so bad.
But then the driver, despite being told otherwise, identifies her as a kebab again, and the driver isn't being portrayed as a character who we're laughing at..
Then she presumably stands around doing and saying nothing for ages, until her boyfriend not only isn't bothered about her but tells another person (who is in addition a complete stranger) 'you can keep her'.
Then she presumably stands around a bit more (in the middle of the night, with her boyfriend having just insulted her (at best) and buggered off) until this complete stranger asks another complete stranger if he wants to share her- or if it's a genuine request for a kebab (do people share kebabs?) then forgets she's there, and she then conveniently seems to consent to the situation required. I'm aware I sound like a humourless bitch, but since you put it in critique and seem like a pleasant guy, who actually appreciates and considers feedback, I thought perhaps you might find a different stance useful in pondering how others may perceive
I assumed she was a mutant or alien that ressemebled a kebab.
Hi AJGO,
All perfectly valid points and I would love to say that was why I did not send this one in - but I'm afraid I am not capable of that kind of emotional empathy or transference (I am only a bloke after all, so don't judge me too harshly).
In my defence I did agree with Shandon that I probably thought 'she' was a (talking) kebab. Although in truth It sprung forth fully formed and did not really entail me 'thinking' at all.
This was partly what all my navel gazing was about
The Kebab/girlfriend joke is I think funny, I have no real idea why, I also have no idea why it does not work as Kebab/boyfriend and it does not of course stand up to any logical analysis.
The sketch was I felt somewhat slight but (to me) an interesting concept - I was (pleasantly) surprised the Kebab gag worked so well for so many people.
I now have no idea what I have learned from this... and have used my years supply of ( ) up.
Thanks for the critique.
Quote: sootyj @ September 11 2013, 8:27 PM BSTI assumed she was a mutant or alien that ressemebled a kebab.
I also agree with you.
One of my problems with the Critique forum is - and I've seen it countless times on here - is that a slightly surreal or innuendo laden idea will get the thumbs up when it's actually detrimental to the sketch. It's completely subjective, of course, but given the content of sketches you see on telly or hear on the radio, then I would say producers aren't keen on it.
I didn't find the kebab bit very clear, but assumed it was some sexual reference as they discuss sharing a kebab at the end. Anyway, you didn't send it in, so I think you made the right decision.