My Sitcom

It's a police one. I like the lack of originality.

Sue: The boss. Bit weird, bit scatty.
Lucy: Deputy. Always insanely happy and positive.
Bill: Laid back/spaced out.
Kevin: Seriously odd.
Ricky: Normal. Very normal. The other characters inhabit 'sitcom land' and have typical sitcom reactions to situations. Ricky is like us and sees illogical behaviour for what it is. I didn't want him to seem dull compared with the others so made him short. Very short. Think Warwick Davis.

First 10 pages. (Without Sue and Ricky)

SCENE 1. EXT. AERIAL VIEW OF TOWN

AERIAL SHOTS OF GREAT RHOMBUS.

VOICEOVER: (V.O.)
Welcome to the beautiful town of Great Rhombus. An old

friendly town with old friendly ways. And at the heart of the

town is it's old friendly police force.

CUT TO:

SCENE 2. EXT. A STREET CORNER

SARGENT LUCY ROUNDS A CORNER AND MEETS FINGERS, AN OBVIOUS CROOK. HE CARRIES A BAG WITH LOOT POKING OUT AND HAS A HANDBAG OVER HIS SHOULDER.

FINGERS:
Errrr...

LUCY:
That's a very attractive handbag you have there Fingers.

FINGERS:
Thank you. I always think accessories really make an outfit.

LUCY REACHES OVER AND PULLS A BOX FROM THE LOOT BAG.

LUCY:
And is this your make up?

FINGERS:
I thought that was for jewellery when I grabbed it!

LUCY GIVES SUSPICIOUS LOOK.

FINGERS:
When..I grabbed it in the sales! But now I keep my make up in it instead.

LUCY GIVES DISBELLIEVING FACE.

FINGERS:
I feel naked with out a bit of make-up on.

LUCY:
How about now?

FINGERS:
I've gone for a very subtle look. Some people even think I don't wear any at all!

LUCY:
You've not stolen it and all those other things have you?

FINGERS:
(MUMBLES) No.

FINGERS LOOKS DOWN. LUCY PUTS HER FINGER UNDER HIS CHIN TO LIFT HIS HEAD BACK UP TO LOOK HIM IN THE EYES.

LUCY:
Fingers?

FINGERS:
Well....A bit.

LUCY:
Oh Fingers. I'm very disappointed in you. You've let me down,

you've let yourself down, and you've let everybody in Great

Rhombus down. What does that sign say?

LUCY POINTS TO A NEARBY SIGN SHOWING THE TOWN'S CREST. IT FEATURES A RHOMBUS AND THE WORDS "WELCOME TO GREAT RHOMBUS. PLEASE DON'T STEAL OUR STUFF".

FINGERS:
I'm very sorry Miss Lucy.

LUCY:
(PAUSE) Oh good. That's all right then. I don't have to arrest

you if you're sorry. But you still have to take everything back.

FINGERS:
Yes miss.

FINGERS PICKS UP THE LOOT BAG FULL OF SHAME AND HEADS OFF LEAVING LUCY FEELING SATISFIED.

CUT TO:

SCENE 3. EXT. A SHOPPING STREET

PC KEVIN IS GUIDING LEN OUT OF A SHOP. LEN HAS A SHOPPING TROLLEY FULL OF ODD THINGS. HIS CLOTHES ARE WORN AND SCRUFFY AND HE WEARS A HAT MADE OUT OF TINFOIL.

KEVIN:
Out you go mate.

LEN:
But I hadn't finished telling them!

KEVIN:
They just weren't interested in your stories Len.

LEN:
It's all true!

KEVIN:
I know.

LEN:
I WAS a stunt double for Marilyn Munroe!

KEVIN:
I know. You've told me before.

LEN:
They didn't believe me when I told them I sold the Pope my old

Squash Racket, or when I explained about my tinfoil hat.

KEVIN:
I was going to ask you about the hat.

LEN:
It's so the space rays can't get me!

KEVIN:
(WORRIED) What space rays?!

LEN:
The space rays that read your brain.

KEVIN:
(MORE WORRIED) Even mine?!

LEN:
Especially yours, what with you being a policeman. Your brain

would be an excellent find for them. Very...useful.

KEVIN:
B...B...But why are they doing this to me?! What do they want?!!

LEN:
They want to know what you're thinking. They want to know

everything about you, and when they do...

KEVIN:
(PANICKY) What?! What?!!!

LEN:
They'll control you!

KEVIN:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

KEVIN RUNS OFF COVERING HIS HEAD WITH HIS ARMS AND TRYING TO BAT AWAY INVISABLE SPACE RAYS.

CUT TO:

SCENE 4. EXT. AERIAL VIEWS OF TOWN.

MORE AERIAL SHOTS OF THE TOWN ZOOMING IN ON THE 2 POLICE STATIONS. ONE IS SMALL AND NICE. THE OTHER IS BIG AND EVIL.

VOICEOVER: (V.O.)
The old friendly police force in this old friendly town call this

beautiful old police station their home. Next door to this old

friendly police station is another police station. A lot less

friendly and a lot less old.

CUT TO:

SCENE 5. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET/ AERIAL VIEWS OF POLICE STATIONS.

PC BILL IS WALKING VACANTLY DOWN THE PATH OF A HOUSE LINED STREET.

CUT BACK TO:

BACK TO VIEW OF 2 POLICE STATIONS

VOICEOVER: (V.O.)
Wait a minute! Why on earth do they have 2 police stations

next to each other? What kind of terrible management would

create a situation like that? I hope somebody explains how that

could happen.

(fades out) I bet they spent my taxes on it too...

CUT BACK TO:

BACK TO BILL WHO WAS WAITING FOR THE VOICEOVER TO FINISH. HE STARTS WALKING AGAIN.

WE HEAR A DOG BARKING. AN UPSET WOMAN COMES OUT OF HER HOUSE TO COMPLAIN TO BILL.

WOMAN:
At last! You finally came about the dog next door barking

constantly! All the night it is. Every night. For a week! I rang 999

days ago!

BILL:
Ah! That's your problem. Our number is 998.

WOMAN:
Pardon?!

BILL:
I take it you're new around here. I'm from the old police station.

Our number is 998. That new fancy one is 999. They tend to

ignore calls they think are non-emergency, which they must

think a barking dog is I'm afraid. They're more into 'glamour

crime', rather than helping people.

WOMAN:
But why are there 2 police stations?

BILL:
Well, The old police station is a listed building so we couldn't

expand when the town grew, meaning they had to build a new

one. The new lot didn't like our old friendly ways. They're much

happier over there racing about in cars and zapping people

with electric pokey things.

BILL PRETENDS TO POKE WOMAN. SHE LOOKS SCARED.

BILL:
Anybody who still appreciates old friendly policing gets posted

in the old building. There's even some daft rumour that they

send all the losers and weirdos over to us, but I've not seen any

in our station! (Does weird look)

WOMAN:
But wouldn't the police authority want to shut down your old

one?

BILL:
The Police Commander is always looking for an excuse to close

us down. He sets us tasks which he doesn't think we can do

nearly every week and says if we don't do them he'll shut us

down. We've always managed to beat him though. Usually with

hilarious consequences.

VOICEOVERV.O.)
Very subtlety explained. But does it really make sense to...

BILL:
(Interrupting)...Anyway, let's sort that dog out!

BILL WALKS OVER TO THE DOOR OF THE HOUSE WITH THE DOG AND 'TALKS' THROUGH THE LETTERBOX. HE MAKES BARKING AND HOWLING SOUNDS WHICH GET ANSWERED BY THE DOG INSIDE. THE DOG GOES QUIET AND BILL WALKS BACK TO THE WOMAN.

BILL:
I found out the problem Madam. He seems a lot better after I've

had that little talk with him. He was just feeling really sorry for

himself. Turns out he had to be re-homed after his previous

owner was sent to prison. He doesn't miss him or anything. It's

just that his original name was Killer and his new family have

decided to call him Mr Fluffles. It's not easy to go for a walk in

the park and get called Mr Fluffles in front of other dogs.

Happened to me once.

THE WOMAN LOOKS PUZZLED AS BILL WALKS ON HIS WAY.

WE FOLLOW BILL ON HIS BEAT. HE PASSES A HOUSE. WE SEE FINGERS APPROACH A SIDE WINDOW AND THE CAMERA STAYS ON HIM AND LETS BILL WALK OFF.

FINGERS SLIDES OPEN THE WINDOW AND PUTS THE BAG OF LOOT THROUGH INTO THE HOUSE. HE THEN PRODUCES SOME FLOWERS AND TUCKS A CARD INTO THEM AND PUTS THE BUNCH THROUGH THE WINDOW INTO THE HOUSE AS WELL. HE LEAVES.

CUT TO...

What I've read of this I rather like, sort of like a deranged Ballamory. Funny, snappy lines, strong characters. I'm not entirely sure all the scenes are linking together and it's more of a collection of skits than a coherent sitcom. But I think the whole thing is fun, it's got that Jinsy vibe going on.

Should have mentioned that it was a bit to introduce the characters and situation before the main storyline (Such that it is) of the episode starts.

When you start, you start. It's good but for a sitcom you've got a lot of houre derve before the main course.

I like the idea of a 'deranged Ballamory". At the moment, I don't have much of a feel of how your characters relate to each other. All three scenes involve them interacting with third parties who aren't listed as one of your main characters. I want to know what they think of each other.

Also, I didn't think Bill's scene portrayed him as laid back/spaced out and was full of exposition that could be dealt with another way.

But I like the idea and would want to read more.

SCENE 5. EXT. OUTSIDE NEW POLICE STATION

PC RICKY IS STANDING OUTSIDE THE NEW POLICE STATION. HE IS NOT IN UNIFORM. HE LOOKS AT THE SIGN. IT LOOKS MENACING AND NEW, WITH THE SLOGAN "NEW POLICE STATION - WE'LL TRACK YOU DOWN AND PUNISH YOU". HE WALKS IN.

CUT TO

SCENE 6. INT. RECPTION OF NEW POLICE STATION

RICKY WALKS UP TO THE FRONT DESK. THERE ARE LOTS OF CCTV CAMERAS ON THE WALL THAT FOLLOW HIM. ONE OF THEM LOOKS HIM AND AND DOWN THEN SADLY SHAKES IT'S 'HEAD'.

PC MCNASTY:
Hello Sir. How may I help you? Are you giving yourself in for

something?

RICKY:
No. I'm the new Constable. I believe you're expecting me.

PC MCNASTY:
(Sniggers) I think you must be wanted next door. You're...more their type!

RICKY:
(Confused) Oh. Um...OK. Thank you.

RICKY LEAVES. THE CAMERAS FOLLOW HIM AS PC MCNASTY SMIRKS.

CUT TO

SCENE 7. EXT. OLD POLICE STATION.

RICKY IS OUTSIDE THE OLD POLICE STATION. HE LOOKS AT THE SIGN. "OLD POLICE STATION - COME ON IN AND WE'LL PUT THE KETTLE ON!" HE GOES IN.

CUT TO

SCENE 8. INT. RECPTION OF OLD POLICE STATION.

RICKY WALK UP TO THE FRONT DESK WHERE KEVIN IS SAT. KEVIN IS FIDDLING WITH SOMETING UNDER THE DESK. RICKY COUGHS TO GAIN ATTENTION. KEVIN PRODUCES A POLICEMAN'S HELMET COVERED IN TINFOIL FROM UNDER THE DESK AND PUTS IT ON. HE SEES RICKY.

RICKY:
Um...Hello?

KEVIN:
Hello Sir. Can I help you? There nothing wrong is there? I do

hope there's no problem. There's a problem isn't there? You

want me to help don't you?

RICKY
No! No no no. I've been posted here. I'm Police Constable Hicky.

KEVIN:
Oh how super! The more the merrier. And definitely no

problems?

RICKY:
(Unsure) No? I don't think so.

KEVIN:
Good. (Pauses, then taps helmet) Space rays. One thing, this is

an old friendly police station and we have old friendly ways. We

use first names here. I'm PC Kevin.

RICKY:
Oh. I'm PC Ricky then.

KEVIN STANDS UP AND STARTS TO WALK THOUGH TO THE OFFICE AREA.

KEVIN:
Could you come through here please?

RICKY AND KEVIN ENTER THE OFFICE AREA OF THE STATION. LUCY AND BILL ARE WAITING AND CHATTING. THERE IS A BANNER UP THAT SAYS "WELCOME BACK SUE!!!!"

LUCY AND BILL STOP TALKING AND BEGIN TO SHOUT...

LUCY AND BILL:
Hoora...

KEVIN:
Nooo! Not yet!

RICKY:
Will I do instead?

LUCY:
Hello there. Welcome to you then!

KEVIN:
This is a new officer we've been sent. PC Ricky.

THERE IS A QUICK ROUND OF HELLO-ING.

LUCY:
We're just waiting for our old boss to come back. She's been

away for 6 months on sabbatical.

BILL:
Said she needed a total break from the job. The stress of the

job. I couldn't be inspector. Pressure from above, targets,

covering stuff up, endless paperwork...

LUCY:
Meanwhile, We've have a few stand ins and I've been doing

much of the work.

SUE WALKS IN UN-NOTICED. SHE IS CARRYING FLOWERS. KEVIN SEES HER, POINTS AND SHOUTS...

KEVIN:
Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeee!

SUE:
Hello Kevin. Hello everybody.

LUCY:
Welcome back boss.

BILL:
We've all missed you.

SUE:
It's good to be back. I thought this place would probably need

brightening up. (Flourishes flowers). Bill, could you pop these

in some water for me please.

BILL TAKES THE FLOWERS FROM SUE.

I need to go through stuff with Lucy today, but If you need me,

I'm available.

RICKY:
Hi. I'm PC Ricky. Just starting...now really!

SUE:
Kevin, can you take our new colleague round and show him the

ropes? And the fire escapes? And how we use the ropes to get

out the fire escapes?

KEVIN NODS AND RICKY WALKS OVER TO HIM.

Well? Back to work! There may be more of us now but until

there's no crime or no people who need our old, friendly help

there's work to be done.

GENERAL NODDING. BILL STICKS THE FLOWERS IN AN EMPTY VASE ON A DESK. KEVIN GUIDES RICKY UPSTAIRS. SUE GOES WITH LUCY TO SUE'S DESK.

CUT TO

SCENE 9. INT. THE OFFICE/CELLS/BASEMENT - LATER.

LUCY AND SUE ARE AT SUE'S DESK GOING THROUGH PAPERWORK. BILL IS TALKING ON A PHONE AND SEEMS WORRIED.

SUE:
...So after the Doctor said I needed to take a break I realised it would be the ideal chance to travel and see the world.

LUCY:
Where did you go first?

SUE:
Cornwall.

LUCY:
Cornwall?

SUE:
I was trying for Australia but missed. I spent 2 weeks in Newquay before I realised. It was all the surfing and Australians that fooled me. But then I went to France.

LUCY:
For the art, the history, the scenery?

SUE:
The food! Mmmmm, I can still taste the pasta. And the pizza, and as for the ice cream or 'gelato'...I even learnt quite a bit of Italian.

LUCY:
Riiiight. Then where?

SUE:
A quick plane journey and I was taking a camel trip around some pyramids, then back to the Egypt Hotel to eat some local Egyptian food on their Egyptian night with the owner, Mr Egypt. I think it was in Denmark...

WE NOW FOCUS ON RICKY AND KEVIN AS THEY COME DOWN THE STAIRS. RICKY IS NOW IN POLICE UNIFORM.

KEVIN:
It's just me and Bill living up there in the front 2 rooms at the

moment, but if you want there is one flat left. And we're in the

office again. Through this way are the cells.

THEY WALK THROUGH TO THE CELLS. THERE IS ONE 'PERSON' IN A CELL. HE IS COVERED BY A BLANKET WITH ONLY HIS FEET STICKING OUT. THEY SEEM QUITE HAIRY.

Only one person today. He got a bit silly at closing time last

night so he's in here sleeping it off. Now for the basement.

THEY TAKE THE STAIRS DOWN TO THE BASEMENT. THEY WALK THROUGH IT WITH KEVIN POINTING OUT THE MAIN FEATURES.

The basement. General storage...the boiler...the evidence cage,

all the important evidence gets locked in here...the time

machine...and this is our staff room area. We supply all the tea

and coffee and stuff out of petty cash...

RICKY:
Um...did you say time machine?

KEVIN:
Oh yes. Can't remember when we got it or where from. We

might not have found it until next year. That's the trouble with

time machines. They can make your everyday linear existence

very confusing.

THE TIME MACHINE FLASHES AND A SECOND KEVIN STEPS OUT.

FUTURE KEVIN:
But they can come in incredibly handy.

FUTURE KEVIN WALK TO THE FRIDGE AND TAKES OUT A BOTTLE OF MILK.

We've totally run out of milk tomorrow. I don't know where it all

went.

FUTURE KEVIN LOOKS AT THE FRIDGE THEN THE BOTTLE.

Ah! I think I just found out.

FUTURE KEVIN DISSAPEARS VIA THE TIME MACHINE.

KEVIN:
Hmm. We're a bit low on milk. I might need to get some more

tomorrow. (Thinks) I wonder why I wasn't wearing my special

helmet?

RICKY:
Maybe the space rays have got you by then?

KEVIN:
(Worried) No...they're not going to get me. I've got my helmet!

RICKY:
What about the rest of you?

KEVIN:
Rest of me?

RICKY:
The rest of you. The bit not currently covered by a silver lining.

KEVIN:
Do I need to protect those bits?

RICKY:
I shouldn't think you would want the space rays controlling

anything down there. I mean, they could do all sorts of things if

they control the bits you've left unprotected. (Pause) ...like your

legs.

KEVIN:
I need my legs. I like my legs. I'm always using them! I...I...I...Got

to go! Back later! Tell others!

KEVIN RUSHES OFF UPSTAIRS. RICKY WALKS BACK UP TO THE OFFICE.

CUT TO...

Quote: sootyj @ September 10 2013, 3:08 PM BST

Oh dear.

Some of us fit our feedback in around our day jobs, so don't meticulously check our grammar or punctuation on every postings.

It is a shame if that leads to you ignoring well meant advice.

View original

I'm confused..where do they say that?

Quote: Jennie @ September 10 2013, 3:24 PM BST

I'm confused..where do they say that?

View original

I tried to make a joke, upset somebody, and removed it.

Move along! Nothing to see.

I like the idea of two police stations next to each other and the voice over (maybe in style of Tom Baker),
rivalry between the two police stations reminds me of the rivalry betewen CID and uniform in the thin blue line. I like the time machine bit.
I agree with what Sootyj says about dialogue characters etc.
There is work to be done to make it fit together more but it is miles better than anything I could produce.

I imagine Morgan Freeman doing the voice over. A warm organic biscuit voice, with added honey.

I think it might be better to make the introductions of the characters skits more obvious. (I like obvious!) Have their character names pop up on a black screen before watching their bit so it looks like a character factfile type thing. And I think I should move the 'Sue introduction' bit, where she talks to Lucy, to talking to somebody on the street like I've done with the others.

And the time machine will never get used as part of a proper storyline. I like the idea of having something with loads of potential and then never using it seriously.

You don't need to introduce the characters.( Other than in the short synopsis which is for the benefit of a would-be producer .) Their words and deeds will explain them to the reader or viewer or listener.

There's some hilarious stuff here, though it's difficult to see where it's going just at the moment. Particularly liked the two police stations idea & the 998 thing. How would it be if no one saw having two police stations as remotely odd? It might give the setting more of a sealed-off world of its own sort of feeling.

Introductions are great but you should be able to do it in one or two pages max, or else people wonder what's going on.

You've got a distinctive, funny show there it's not just funny it's got a good feel.

Now just do some editing.

You can introduce a character in one line. Bring them in and have them say or do one thing that sums them up completely. Then get on with telling their story.

I watched the opening episode of 30 Rock the other night. Opening scene is Liz Lemon, in the street, arguing with people who aren 't queuing up properly. Character established. Story starts.

True, true less is more and story should race along.