2525 last ditch

v3

VO
Today we can tell our machines, to cook our tea, polish our shoes and record our telly. But in the year 2525 will we be able to tell them to love us?

GRAMS
A modern electrical repair shop. Tony is talking to Bob.

TONY
I'd like you to look at my Toastec 2000,

BOB
The toaster with the moster?

TONY
I wish it keeps burning my toast or getting it stuck.

BOB
I see and what do you do when she lets you down?

TONY
She? Well at first I ignored it, then I hit it and when it trapped my krill muffin I stuck a fork in....hang on why are you pressing that red button?

BOB
No reason at all, stay calm

GRAMS
Door slides open and PC Ivor Lightsaber walks in.

BOB
That's him officer! The brute he stabbed her, hit her, shouted at her, if you hadn't got here I might have.

TREVOR
Sorry what do you want officer?

PC
I'm PC Ivor LightSaber domestic appliance abuse department, and I'll be asking the questions. Now are you aware of the allegations being made against you sir?

TONY
What that I hit my toaster when it burned my protein toast and stuck a fork in it when held onto my muffin?

IVOR
You are aware that the Toasttec 2000 is technically a sentient machine, that by buying it you entered a marriage contract with said device.

TONY
I married my toaster are you made? Besides how do you even know it's a female?

BOB
Feigning ignorance won't help, everyone knows malfunctioning male toastec 2000s, suffer from premature toast ejection.

TONY
It can't even talks,. It just leaks fluid on the counter.

BOB
Those were it's tears you brute.

PC
Calm yourself sir, I'll have no lynching of technophiles.

BOB
He should be on the techs offenders register!

TONY
Have you all gone mad it's just a stupid, faulty toaster.

BOB
You monster since when has talking been a mark of intelligence? Some of the world greatest idiots have been able to speak. The toastec 2000 expresses it's self through heating bread products, a language as unique and beautiful as the song of the whale or the tumble dryer.

IVOR
And you hurt it again and again, no wonder it was crying out through burning the toast.

TONY
But this is awful.....

BOB
You realise what a monster you are?

TONY
...no what am I going to tell my wife the vacum cleaner?

thanks playfull if it goes anywhere you get a credit

Good idea, liked the punch. what about -

Bobs last line -

BOB. You'll have to go on the 'tech offenders register'.

now that's a lovely pun and if I put this in the sketch comp I'd use it

but this is pretea r4 so I'm being cautious.

So you wouldn't want to use -

TONY. And it used to drip water onto my work surface...

IVOR. Those were tears you Bastard!

oh nice, yoinks I'm stealing that

I like the potential it has but I think there is something more it needs. Tech offenders register is a brilliant line to use.

Maybe it has a virus, or has been infected with spyware and the toast keeps popping up, perhaps install a pop up blocker in it.

Quote: Tim Azure @ September 8 2013, 6:19 PM BST

Don't the prios have a sketch with a talkie toaster? Sorry...

View original

It's Red Dwarf and in it the toaster talks, this one doesn't subtle diference but I guess there haven't been that many that many skits about sentient toasters.

I'm a little concerned that this section is confusing:

TONY
She? Well at first I ignored it, then I hit it and when it trapped my krill muffin I stuck a fork in....hang on why are you pressing that red button?

BOB
That's him! The brute he stabbed her, hit her, shouted at her, if you hadn't got here I might have.

I think that, without visuals, it's going to be very confusing where the policeman has come from and that he is actually a policeman. I think you need to seriously address that first and foremost.

Good point and I bolted alot of ideas without thinking them through I am a bad person for it

Quote: sootyj @ September 8 2013, 4:09 PM BST

v2
v2

VO
Today we can tell our machines, to cook our tea, polish our shoes and record our telly. But in the year 2525 will we be able to tell them to love us?

GRAMS
A modern electrical repair shop. Tony is talking to Bob.

TONY
I'd like you to look at my Toastec 2000,

BOB
The toaster with the moster?

TONY
I wish it keeps burning my toast or getting it stuck.

BOB
I see and what do you do when she lets you down?

TONY
She? Well at first I ignored it, then I hit it and when it trapped my krill muffin I stuck a fork in....hang on why are you pressing that red button?

BOB
No reason at all, stay calm

GRAMS
Door slides open and PC Ivor Lightsaber walks in.

BOB
That's him! The brute he stabbed her, hit her, shouted at her, if you hadn't got here I might have.

PC
Now, now calm down sir. Are these allegations true sir?

TONY
What that I hit my toaster when it burned my protein toast and stuck a fork in it when held onto my muffin?

IVOR
You are aware that the Toasttec 2000 is technically a sentient machine, that by buying it you entered a marriage contract with said device.

TONY
Besides how do you even know it's a female?

BOB
Feigning ignorance won't help, everyone knows malfunctioning male toastec 2000s, suffer from premature toast ejection.

TONY
But it can't talk? It just leaks fluid on the counter.

BOB
Those were tears you brute.

PC
Calm yourself sir, I'll have no lynching of technophiles.

BOB
He should be on the techs offenders register!

TONY
Have you all gone mad it's just a stupid, faulty toaster.

BOB
You monster since when has talking been a mark of intelligence? Some of the world greatest idiots have been able to speak. The toastec 2000 expresses it's self through heating bread products, a language as unique and beautiful as the song of the whale or the tumble dryer.

IVOR
And you hurt it again and again, no wonder it was crying out through burning the toast.

TONY
But this is awful.....

BOB
You realise what a monster you are?

TONY
...no what am I going to tell my wife the vacum cleaner?

thanks playfull if it goes anywhere you get a credit

View original

Tim I hope you read jobs you apply for more clearly, they looked for sentient talking house hold appliances.
The joke in this sketch is it isnt talking or sentient.

Tim not wanting to reduce a thread where I want feedback to an endless circular argument. You're right thank you for informing me I was wrong.

I like the idea that a contract of purchase is effectively a marriage. And, yes, Playful's "Tech Offenders" is cracking.

To my mind, you don't need the policeman, I think it's confusing in audio,a s ben said, and it would be easy enough for the shop assistant to take on the mantle of meting out justice.

I like it, you might not get away with the premature toast and leaking fluid though they are great lines.

I though V2 was very funny, I properly laughed a lot, and it didn't seem to end so abruptly, those extra few jokes really added the extra punch it needed and made the final line much stronger.

I hope they like it, love to hear it as a sketch.

I like it. Nothing too rude for 6.30 there. A couple of points: you say GRAMS twice when I think you mean ATMOS first time and FX second. Also, there's potential for slight confusion with the punch because the vacuum cleaner is revealed as his wife but we the audience have got used to the idea of him having married the toaster. If the punch doesn't refer to marriage you avoid that slight jar. Or do him for bigamy as well. As others have said, you need to have at least a word ("officer"?) to explain the policeman's arrival, or lose him altogether and let the shopkeeper officiate.

Edit: just seen v3 supersedes v2 but is the original post. Confusing! But the policeman is explained.

One more thing, Tony's second line needs punctuation of some sort after "I wish".