Some jokes Page 3

Quote: Marc P @ September 6 2013, 9:07 AM BST

Anybody who uses the word thrice is already lying.

Tonys rewrite is certainly a lot better. I think the gags need to be more contextual or just a throwaway a la Tim VIne. And yes 'A la' is acceptable in this context. Throwaway meaning, of course, you don't pick it up and examine it.. you move on quickly.

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My thrice quote was wrong but technically correct.
I was about to write "I laughed out loud" and then I thought "is this true" so I read the joke again and did an audible chuckle then I thought, this joke is getting better so inserted the word twice, then I wasn't sure if it was once or twice so looked at the joke again.. and edited the word twice to thrice.

I like the idea of "Anybody who [...] is lying. Might be a good thread for everyone to contribute to.

PS
My rewrite of the condom gag was way back in this thread, my last post was supposed to contain quotes not rewrites.Sorry

[quote name="FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange" post="1013934" date="September 4 2013, 3:49 AM BST"
My doctor has told me I need to lose weight, As if I don't have enough on my plate!

I'm too busy to diet, there's too much on my plate.

[/quote]

[quote name="FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange" post="1013934" date="September 4 2013, 3:49 AM BST"

My father was very strict and would rule with an iron fist!

I was of terrified him, even though he couldn't draw a straight line[/quote]

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ September 4 2013, 3:49 AM BST

I bought some condoms and the box said "Best before date!" I though surely "At the end of third date!" would be more accurate advice?

I asked my date for sex before going out last night and she slapped me.
What did I do wrong, the condoms box said "best before date"

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Hope you don't mind some tweeks, not sure if they're an improvement. I think yours are original, but you maybe trying to tell the audience funny ideas. Rather than demonstrate or surprise them with them.

Quote: tony kay @ September 7 2013, 8:31 AM BST

My thrice quote was wrong but technically correct.

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Only if you are in fact Frankie Howard.

Quote: Marc P @ September 6 2013, 9:07 AM BST

Anybody who uses the word thrice is already lying.

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I've no idea why you say this. Is it a Biblical reference?

Just in case you're being supercilious:

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/post/626343/

Quote: gappy @ September 4 2013, 10:49 AM BST

"Best before date" is a good joke concept, but I don't think you've really nailed it yet.

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It says best before date on my box of condoms.

Beats wanking into a sock I suppose...

The condom "best before date" gag may work better if done in the style of a non-sweary Chinese Roy Chubby Brown (without a Chinese accent).

Quote: JohnnyD @ September 7 2013, 2:31 PM BST

I've no idea why you say this. Is it a Biblical reference?

Just in case you're being supercilious:

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/post/626343/

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No I think I am being honest. If you need help understanding please ask me no more than two times.

But f**k me what a great thread search

"Thrice the brinded cat hath mew'd."

I'm fairly sure that "Thrice" was the nik-name used by the Sun newspaper to describe the couple when Anneka Rice and Theodore the chipmunk were dating!!!!

A pun for me is like an ingrendient when cooking. You can bung a duck breast in a microwave in microwave and be left with a rubbery mess. But a chef or punmeister can gently bring out it's flavours and charms.
So it's not just going ha, those words sound similar. You have to craft them.

May I just say how pleased I am with the feed back and advice I've been given, Thanks to you all,

And Sootyj, I have no problem with people writing or trying out their own twists, I've liked everyones ideas,

Just so you know I used my revised version of the Best Before joke yesterday at my local comedy night, it was woven into my routine, so I didn't just stand there and tell it but it did work, (I'm trying not to over sell its success here!) but fair to say it worked, it got a big laugh, and its staying in, I couldn't have done it without everyone's advice and help so I'm splitting the Free drink and the sandwich I got for performing with all of you!

Quote: Nil Putters @ September 4 2013, 8:01 AM BST

I think the point of critique is that they're supposed to be your own jokes.

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Pretty much this. Most of these jokes are as old as the hills or been done before.