A quick Google reveals that "crows" is an obscure (to me, at least) slang term for snot. So, the joke does work, but I'm afraid I still don't like it.
Some jokes Page 2
Quote: gappy @ September 4 2013, 11:01 AM BSTA quick Google reveals that "crows" is an obscure (to me, at least) slang term for snot. So, the joke does work, but I'm afraid I still don't like it.
I know everyone has smartphones nowadays but if the audience have to Google a word in the joke to get the double meaning then it's probably not going to work in Jongleurs on a Saturday night.
Quote: Tony Cowards @ September 4 2013, 11:11 AM BSTI know everyone has smartphones nowadays but if the audience have to Google a word in the joke to get the double meaning then it's probably not going to work in Jongleurs on a Saturday night.
Well, perhaps in certain parts of the country everyone would get it, I dunno. Anyway, I think the brutal fact is that the joke isn't very funny.
I can fully imagine that Stewart Lee's next tour will have Wikipedia installed in the back of every chair, so that he can point you towards pages to exaplin how clever some of his jokes are 
I liked the special knees one.... especially the TC re write .
I think there are some great ideas for jokes here, about 50% probably need dropping (or a better imagination than mine to make them work!) and 50% are good jokes, mostly all just to long, if you can make the point in 10 words why use twenty? (but this is just my opinion!)
For Example:
1)My brother was a I.T support technician
until a teapot fell on his head. (high tea),
I honestly didn't get this until I'd read it 6 times, (even with the explanation!)
I personally think its good, but might be better with a big rewrite, maybe a turn around would work better:
Like: "I couldn't get my teapot to stay on the top shelf, so I called a man who specialised in I T Support!"
2) My father told me I had to sleep in the same
bed as his brother... as there wasn't any room to
put the photocopier anywhere else in the house.
I think this is good as it is, with just a few changes it might be even better?, maybe Something like:
"My father told me I had to sleep in the same bed as his brother... because there wasn't anywhere else in the house to put his photocopier!!!" .
3) (Bill Gates in playground as a child.)
Other Kid: Ugh how can you make shapes out of
your snot
My crows soft
(personally drop this one!)
4) Did you hear about the farmer whose cock was more hen pecked than he was?
As a comedian you don't really tell jokes like this, You should try and make the joke about you! but I think this is to childish to use anyway so save it for the adult Christmas cracker!
5) What did one twin new born say to the other
Twin 1: Hey how come you've got the big booby.
You left it too late. Sorry.
What!
YOU LEFT TIT! TOO LATE! SORRY!
Personally, might work as a Text joke to your mates, but not a Tell to an audience joke,
6) I wasn't very bright as a kid.
I never wore shorts after they sent
me to a school for people with special knees.
TC has already rewrote this and done an amazing job, use the rewrite!
7) Im trying to lose weight
I keep a little Japanese man locked in my cellar
with no food.
I'm on a starve asian diet.
This is very good, I don't think you need the first lines as it gives it away to much, just try:
"I keep a little Japanese man locked in my cellar without any food.
I'm on a starve asian diet."
8) My dog likes to lick the cats arse
Much like my priest...
Hes got very catholic tastes. (cat hole lick)
Disgusting and not funny, drop it please!!!
9) I hate historic dramas. Everytime I watch
Downton Abbey I get period pains. If your groaning
at that joke you know how I feel when I watch Downton Abbey.
This is fine, may you just don't need the last bit, it could just be:
"I hate historic dramas.
Every time I watch Downton Abbey I get period pains!"
10) I've tried to sell ABC some funny sketches
about an evil gang that steals eyeballs for the
transplant market. I was told to trim them down
to make it more profitable but I was wondering
if anyone on the forum could tell me which bits
are the cornier(cornea).
OK this one doesn't seem to work as it is, but you could take some ideas from it, for example:
"I heard on the news a local gang have been stealing eyeballs for the transplant market, police are urging everyone to keep an eye out!"
or:
"I heard on the news a local gang have been stealing eyeballs for the transplant market, but nobody round here has seen anything!"
or
"When I was a headmaster, a local gang that was known for stealing eyeballs for the transplant market tried taking over our school, I lost a lot of pupils to that gang!"
11) I sometimes work in a cafe with my girlfriend
and I sent her to the loo with a bottle.
Whats that for? she said.
I said I need some more
chickpea for the soup.
Personally I'd drop this one, just not very strong.
12) Me and my business associate recently went straight. I said we are no longer partners in crime. He said does that make us civil partners?
This is good, very good as it is! or, you could try:
"When I told my business partner we were no longer going to be involved in Organised crime! He said, does that make us civil partners? "
Or:
"Me and my business associate recently went straight. I said, I no longer want to be your partner in crime. He said, are you asking me for a civil partnership?.. OK!!!!"
13) Safestyle UK are getting a little bullyboy with
their marketing tactics. They recently stuck stickers on all the windows on our street saying. Your windows may not be genuine. Please ring this number to find out if your windows have the genuine advantage.
This is great, just might be to long and maybe not everyone knows who "Safestlye UK" are, so maybe change it to Everest?
"Everest UK are getting a little bullyboy with their marketing tactics. They recently stuck stickers on all the houses in our street saying. Your windows may not be genuine. Please ring this number to find out!"
or, add a bit more humour into it if you don't mind technical inaccuracies, and go with!
Ever since Microsoft bought out Everest UK, they've been getting a little bullyboy with their marketing tactics. They recently stuck stickers on all the houses in our street saying. Your windows may not be genuine. Please ring this number to find out if your windows have the genuine advantage."
Anyway, I hope you didn't mind me sharing my thoughts and ideas, remember it is only my opinion and you don't have to accept it or even agree with it, its your material at the end of the day.
Thanks
I like (9) , especially with the optional self-deprecating last line if the audience groan. I think a miserable stage persona goes well with one-liners, for some reason.
In a similar vein, you could take one of Funny HAHA's good ideas based on (10) and hold "Bad pun? This one's even cornea" in reserve for the groans
Sorry for not replying individually but I want to thank everyone for their comments. I am going to read them again carefully but on first read, all the comments are really helpful and I am inspired by the attention. There is a gap between what is in my head when I laugh at my own puns and what other people see/hear.
In terms of p
I agree, the idea of creating a believable premise, would get an audience more involved and hence more likely to laugh.
If I read a list of jokes from a book I have to read some jokes several times before I can understand/visualise/empathise with the situation. By that time I often feel irritated and will move on to the next joke. However occasionally a few minutes later I may think of that joke again and this time it is funny. It is like I have been on a journey with the joke.
When I write my own jokes I have already been on that journey with them and love them like children. That is why I need other people to give me the instant reaction I would get if I performed the joke to an audience.
Also, I am someone who doesn't often tell a joke (never mind a routine) in front of more than two or three people at a time. Perhaps my skills at writing jokes would be enhanced by doing more performing.
I don't get the photocopier one. Can someone please explain ? Thank you in advance.
Quote: Mattytheswan @ September 4 2013, 11:44 PM BSTI don't get the photocopier one. Can someone please explain ? Thank you in advance.
I didn't either so I just read it again and seen it, Brother make photocopiers
Quote: Mattytheswan @ September 4 2013, 11:44 PM BSTI don't get the photocopier one. Can someone please explain ? Thank you in advance.
As it may not be clear that brother make photocopiers, and I'm still unsure it works with the dad saying it's his brother, and who sleeps with photocopiers anyway? maybe the Joke needs a different direction, one that can both explain that Brother make printers (as it's for the home I thought printer would be more likely then photocopier, and Brother make both!)and still have a disastrous ending, ( I know its A long joke, but it doesn't really work unless you play on it a bit!) So How About something like this? :
My Dad asked me to "set up his brother whilst he was out", so I sneaked into his house, swiped his DNA, planted some evidence, and tipped off the police! Then I get home to find my dads new printer on the side!. How was I supposed to know Brother make printers?
Anyway, its ok because I managed to get the printer installed before my dad got back,.. and uncle Bob should be released in about 5 years!
Its quiet Sweet really,.. My Dad sends him letters everyday, you know, Brother to Brother!
What do you think?
Thanks -but too 'contrived'= hard work, like, 'Last night sleep-walked- and urinated on my computer'!---' Its OK...as it's a Windows X.P.
Very lame?....like cracker jokes? do keep going as gems can be discovered. My best are always 'in context of a conversation?'--- immediate to topic in debate??
Often bit bitchy?... like; a friend said 'Ohh I never fart' my reply 'Well that's why you have halitosis'- a bit evil- but everyone laughed!!
My Dad asked me to "set up his brother whilst he was out", so I sneaked into his house, swiped his DNA, planted some evidence, and tipped off the police! Then I get home to find my dads new printer on the side!. How was I supposed to know Brother make printers?
Anyway, its ok because I managed to get the printer installed before my dad got back,.. and uncle Bob should be released in about 5 years!
Its quiet Sweet really,.. My Dad sends him letters everyday, you know, Brother to Brother!
Thats a cute angle. Alternatively
On my gap year in Sicily my boss Don Corleone asked me to set up his brother. I hid a load of coke in his brothers house and called the police.
I got back to the office any my boss was fuming. I told you to set up the fax machine. I said "Which one" He said the f***ing Brother fax machine. How was I to know Brother make fax machines.
When I worked for the mafia, my boss asked me to set up a contract on his brother so I shot him. Only then I realised he wanted a maintenance contract. I keep forgetting Brother make fax machines.
Not sure they would work yet though.
PS the original idea for the joke came when I put a printer on my bed while I was installing it.
So could have.
I love gadgets but I've got no room in my bedroom for them all. I keep buying printers. They end up everywhere, under the bed, on the bed, I've probably slept with every brand of printer known to man.. Samsung, HP, Lexmark, Brother no no not that I've not slept with my brother. How dare you, I'm an only child.
I think the gap year in sicily is a good one,
if you want a quick one liner that will leave the audience having to figure it out then how about just simply saying:
I don't like my Brother......I prefer my Lexmark!!!
Brother photocopier is a tenuos link
So you have to make it clear
My photocopyings silent since I got a new brother printer
Its a brother from a silent order
I had an empty Brother printer box from work (seriously) I thought I could use it in a silly video, my idea was to walk down the street carrying it and have background music from the Hollies - He ain't heavy he's my brother, but I didn't end up doing that because I thought it was to corny for the effort. So I took a picture of me holding it in front of the Christmas tree and titled the picture, me and my brother by the Christmas tree.