Some jokes

As everyone else is telling jokes I thought I'd put some up and see if any of them are funny! let me know what you think!

My doctor has told me I need to lose weight, As if I don't have enough on my plate!

My father was very strict and would rule with an iron fist! which made his underlining very bumpy!

I said to my wife last night "do you realise we haven't had sex in nearly two months?" she said, what do you mean "We"?

When my wife left me, to get back at her I started dating her twin sister, there not identical, but they don't half lick alike!

For years every weekend I would walk around B&Q hoping to find my real ladder, you see I've only ever known my step ladder!

I was so proud to have my own "mug tree", until I heard Richard Branson had his own Country!

So, I was sitting by Leigh Tip feeling very depressed and sorry for myself, when my friend said "why are you so down in the dumps?"

I put my phone into "Airplane" mode, and it just flew away!!!!

I bought some condoms and the box said "Best before date!" I though surely "At the end of third date!" would be more accurate advice?

My mum was very protective of me growing up, once she shouted at me "Tony, come away from the road, remember what happened to your sister!" I just laughed and thought, well I'm hardly going to push myself in the road now am I!!!

When someone stole my dictionary, I was lost for words!

My wife told me she was leaving me for another woman! it was the way she phrased it that hurt the most!

My father was a man of few words, I remember once he said to me "Son!"

I asked my doctor if there was some radical way he could suggest to help me lose weight, as I've tried all the diets etc, but never have the will power to stick to them, He said "OK, we need to find you something that will force you to stick to your plan, so how about from now on, your only allowed one meal a day, if you eat more than one meal, you have to give me a blow job?"
Well it's been two weeks now, and I'm 2 stone heavier, Got terrible jaw ache and I'm pretty sure me and my doctor are dating!

So I was walking around Tie Rack asking girls to marry me without any success, Imagine my embarrassment when I reread the email and noticed it said "Thailand!"

As I walked past the casino, sitting on the steps outside was a young girl about 7 years old crying her eyes out! I said "Are you ok little girl?" and she looked up at me with her sad puppy dog eyes and said "I've lost my Mummy & Daddy!" So I pot my hand on her shoulder and said "Well, if your going to gamble!

I was such a Nerd at school even my imaginary friends used to bully me!

I tried Internet dating but my broadband wanted a 2 year commitment! I didn't feel we were ready!

I think the point of critique is that they're supposed to be your own jokes.

Quote: Nil Putters @ September 4 2013, 8:01 AM BST

I think the point of critique is that they're supposed to be your own jokes.

View original

Ok so that's a strange comment? as I've made those jokes up, why are they not my own jokes?

funny haha I like nearly all those jokes.
did you need to add the word "tip" (only joking) that was good
i liked the one about the iron fist.
i don't think I have seen any before but the one about your father being of few words seems to rings a bell. Sorry not got time for a detailed "critique" at moment.

Thanks Tony,

You might be right about the few words one, its such a simple short joke it wouldn't surprise me if someone else had done it before, but I use it in my stand up every time I do one, and nobody's ever said it wasn't original so I'm going to keep it in, no doubt some saddo will now traipse the achieves to point out Who or when it was done before! lol, but thanks for the comments.

Some good jokes in there, although a lot of them need a bit of editing and tweaking but some of them are variations on old gags or ones done by other comedians (e.g. the stepladder one and the being bullied by your imaginary friend one).

Unfortunately this is one of the problems with writing one-liners, I've had to throw away countless gags because people have pointed out that Jimmy Carr, Milton Jones or some other one-liner comic got there before me.

I wrote a sketch about a guy in the confessional with the priest telling about his sexy threesome the night before.I realised I'd re-written a Dave Allan one.Is there anything original out there?The problem is we all pick up ideas sub-consciously.They're good jokes, though and I don't know what's new or borrowed.

I've heard a lot of those before, as well, give or take. If you're writing gags it's useful (though depressing!) to Google them to see if anyone else has come up with them before.

I really liked "iron fist" and "push myself into the road"; "Best before date" is a good joke concept, but I don't think you've really nailed it yet.

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ September 4 2013, 9:52 AM BST

Ok so that's a strange comment? as I've made those jokes up, why are they not my own jokes?

View original

Not really. I'd heard many of them before as, now, pointed out by others here.

Really liked the 'push myself' gag, not heard that before, it painted an entire picture in a few words. And like all the best one liners it makes the listener do a little work joining the dots.

Thank you everyone, I agree, one liners are often a version of a joke already done before, after all I'm following in the footsteps of some amazing comedians so you would assume if I can think of it they can, but I don't think I'm going to let it put me off, If I like the joke, others like the joke and I haven't intentionally stolen it then I don't see the harm in using it, as you say, Is there really anything that's truly original anyway? I doubt it, (I bet every joke that can be imagined is sitting in bob monkhouse's note books already!) but thank you for the feedback so far, I'm pleased most of you liked them, I don't just tell one liners as that gets a bit monotonous so I mix those sort of jokes in with the more standard stand up, so whilst I'm telling a story about growing up I'll add in the one about the iron fist or pushing myself, just to keep everyone laughing as I go (When I say more standard I mean the self deprecating story's about my Life and who I am! lol)

Here are my joke by joke comments.
I have just written what came into MY head when I read them. It's not mean't as advice.
......

My doctor has told me I need to lose weight, As if I don't have enough on my plate!

AWESOME.

My father was very strict and would rule with an iron fist! which made his underlining very bumpy!

BRILLIANT.

I said to my wife last night "do you realise we haven't had sex in nearly two months?" she said, what do you mean "We"?

PERFECT.

When my wife left me, to get back at her I started dating her twin sister, there not identical, but they don't half lick alike!
LOVE IT.

For years every weekend I would walk around B&Q hoping to find my real ladder, you see I've only ever known my step ladder!
LOVE IT

I was so proud to have my own "mug tree", until I heard Richard Branson had his own Country!
I can imagine this joke would work after a set up about "keeping up with the joneses"
I didn't understand this until I Googled it. His island is called "Necker Island" There might be some puns about knickers and virgins etc in there somewhere.

So, I was sitting by Leigh Tip feeling very depressed and sorry for myself, when my friend said "why are you so down in the dumps?"
I like this one a lot. I imagine you blending it in with your other self deprecating material. By this time the audience can really picture you sat down on a pile of bin bags.
Perhaps followed by I threw my lottery ticket in the bin by accident.
Was it a winning number No but ...

I put my phone into "Airplane" mode, and it just flew away!!!!

Short and sweet. Like it.
Also plenty of potential to tweak it i.e get rid of "just" or "Every time I put my phone in airplane mode it flies away"

I bought some condoms and the box said "Best before date!" I though surely "At the end of third date!" would be more accurate advice?

Like it. Also could add "
That's really stupid advising me to put it on before my date. If did that it would fall off by the time she starts speaking.

My mum was very protective of me growing up, once she shouted at me "Tony, come away from the road, remember what happened to your sister!" I just laughed and thought, well I'm hardly going to push myself in the road now am I!!!

Great. I think I would like to see that joke performed.

When someone stole my dictionary, I was lost for words!
Good as it is . I'm not sure how you work it into your routine.
I tried to set it up and think I failed.
At school my best mate stole my pen so I stole his dictionary. I said "How do you feel now then ? " He said "I'm lost for words"

My wife told me she was leaving me for another woman! it was the way she phrased it that hurt the most!

Wasn't sure about that one.

My father was a man of few words, I remember once he said to me "Son!"

Perfect.

I asked my doctor if there was some radical way he could suggest to help me lose weight, as I've tried all the diets etc, but never have the will power to stick to them, He said "OK, we need to find you something that will force you to stick to your plan, so how about from now on, your only allowed one meal a day, if you eat more than one meal, you have to give me a blow job?"
Well it's been two weeks now, and I'm 2 stone heavier, Got terrible jaw ache and I'm pretty sure me and my doctor are dating!

Like it.

So I was walking around Tie Rack asking girls to marry me without any success, Imagine my embarrassment when I reread the email and noticed it said "Thailand!"

Hahaha I had a similar problem in Screwfix.

As I walked past the casino, sitting on the steps outside was a young girl about 7 years old crying her eyes out! I said "Are you ok little girl?" and she looked up at me with her sad puppy dog eyes and said "I've lost my Mummy & Daddy!" So I pot my hand on her shoulder and said "Well, if your going to gamble!
That works straight away. I can picture it.

I was such a Nerd at school even my imaginary friends used to bully me!

Perfect.

I tried Internet dating but my broadband wanted a 2 year commitment! I didn't feel we were ready!

I really like it but it's a slow burner for me.

Thanks Tony, It's nice that you enjoyed them, and I appreciate your comments,

You said about:

Quote: tony kay @ September 5 2013, 12:53 AM BST

I bought some condoms and the box said "Best before date!" I though surely "At the end of third date!" would be more accurate advice?

Like it. Also could add "
That's really stupid advising me to put it on before my date. If did that it would fall off by the time she starts speaking.

View original

I think that's a great idea, I'm now stuck with a few versions, but I've narrowed it down,I could go with your version, give or take a few words, as I think its great, but what about just a little bit more of a rewrite so it goes:

I bought some condoms and the box said "Best before date!" I though surely "At the end of third date!" would be more accurate advice?.... and it's really stupid advising me to put it on before my date, I mean, It's going to fall off!... the minute she starts speaking!
(What do you think?)

It's not good. Because it implies a level of stupidity beyond reasonable belief. There is an idea in there somewhere but neither you nor Tony have worked it into a workable gag as yet I reckon. It's not a bad enough pun or a good enough observation. It''s a jokoid as someone else once named it. ANd the concept that it would fall off the minute she starts speaking needs some attention as to why it was on before and why it falls off when she talks, Not sure the meaning is clear here!

What about -

Following the instructions 'use before date' on a condom is not a good enough excuse for being late, apparently.

or not...