Begging on my Knees.(For honest crit) Pls,pls. Page 4

Thanks Badge, BB, write1 & Paul.
To be honest I or We do not have a fooking clue, what we are doing. I had never wrote a sketch before coming on here, let alone an episode of a potential sitcom. This is why I love this site. I love the different advice, I love the different opinions & I adore the fact you are so all willing to help.
Dave we are very lucky.
We can almost certainly improve what we have.
Will it make it. Probably not.
Has it been fun? F**k yes.
Have we learned something?... Damn fooking right we have.
Yeyyyyyy!

Quote: David Chapman @ February 14, 2008, 11:19 PM

It's just that she needs a bit of discipline!

View original

I've just realised that David probably put this here as a feed line. Happy to help reinstate it, David.

PLEASE DONT MAKE HIM CRACK A WHIP.

I wanted to comment on the whole piece so apologies for it taking me 3 days to read it. With breaks.

On the plus side, there was a lot that made me laugh, Chi Chi, don't panda to him, classic in my view.

Some of the dialogue was heavy going and needed cutting back, particularly at the start. There was also a lot of similarity between the characters and it was difficult to tell who was who from what they were saying.

Finally, in my opinion, there was not really sufficient story or plot and I would say it is this aspect thet needs the most work. It's obvious that you can write funny dialogue but that is not enough in itself.

I did enjoy it, although there may be too much profanity to easily identify a market, from a commercial perspective.

Thankyou Steve.
I agree with everything. It is in the process now of being cut, more story adding etc.
Hey You picked one of Daves lines. He will be pleased.
The profanity can be cut, but Mary is a nasty swearing hag. I can find an alternative though.

Cheers again. We really are grateful.

I thought mary was brill, don't cut her besides Shameless has more than enough bad language to satisfy us all.
Some characters need cutting out but can be introduced in later episodes.

Thanks BB. Yes I am loosing several characters. They can be at the party in the next epy though.

Quote: Charley @ February 16, 2008, 1:00 PM

It is in the process now of being cut, more story adding etc.

View original

Be careful not to appear as though a story has been tacked on last minute. I suggest you start again, plan a story/plot and then work in the dialogue.