My 2525 Sketch Intelligent Life

INTRO
In the year 2525 everyone spends most of there days telling other people what there are doing as social networking is now the only way people communicate with each other, Bill and Susan have been Interdating, the modern form of dating that is carried out purely over the internet, for 6 months

BILL
Wow Susan, That was the best night I've had, upgrading my Lap-Pad to the latest interface has truly brought us closer together.

SUSAN
I've had better,

BILL
What? when? Who?

SUSAN
Yesterday, when you went off line, I had Interaction with another man and his interface is bigger than yours and I think I'm going to log on to his world again.

BILL
But, what, Oh! so that's it for us then is it?
SUSAN
Yes Sorry, I just feel our interfaces aren't compatible anymore
BILL
And whos this new GUY your seeing instead.
SUSAN
Tom
BILL
My brother Tom?
SUSAN
Yes that's him
BILL
But I don't understand , my brother tom has all my old interface equipment? Every time I've update my Lap-pad I've given him my old stuff so basically his interface can't be bigger than mine, he's using my old stuff.
SUSAN
Well I guess it's true what my mother said then.
BILL
Whats That?
SUSAN
It's not the size of a mans interface, but how he uses it that matters!

Stick a dongle joke in there, and they'll probably lap it up.

I think it's a good idea for a sketch, but it's a bit light on direction and jokes. I would say give it a bit more thrust.

You want to cut down some of your lines, I think. The bit where he's explaining he's given his brother his old interface is a bit too explainy - just say "But I don't understand, my brother is using my old interface. It can't be bigger than mine"

But I think it's a decent punchline and fits the 2525 brief well.

OK My first rewrite, hopefully taking in some of your advice:

INTRO
In the year 2525 face to face communication has become a thing of the past, everyone spends most of their days on social networking sites as this has become the only way people communicate with each other,
Even couples now only have interactive relationships.
Bill and Susan have been Interdating, the modern form of dating that is carried out purely over the internet, for 2 months

BILL
You known, upgrading my Lap-Pad to the latest interface has made me want you more than ever.

SUSAN
Well this is awkward.

BILL
Why?

SUSAN
Because I'm breaking up with you, I don't feel as connected as we used to be,

BILL
But I thought we were happy?

SUSAN
I just don't feel were compatible anymore. three times last week your interface dropped out halfway through.

BILL
Look that's never happened to me before.

SUSAN
And you insist on using surge protection on your end, even though you know it takes away a lot of the enjoyment for me!

BILL
Better to be safe than sorry.

SUSAN
I just don't feel the spark anymore.

BILL
But I've just installed the new "Lady KIller200 Screaming happy" dongle, with power boost and instant reset!

SUSAN
I've had better,

BILL
What? when?

SUSAN
Yesterday, when you went off line, I had Interaction with another man and his interface is bigger than yours, I think I'm going to log on to his world again.

BILL
What! Who?

SUSAN
Tom

BILL
My brother Tom?

SUSAN
Yes that's him

BILL
But I don't understand, my brother is using my old interface. It can't be bigger than mine.

SUSAN
Well I guess it's true what my mother said then.

BILL
Whats That?

SUSAN
It's not the size of a mans interface, but how he uses it that matters!

Nice one! Excellent rewrite

Bit worried that the references might be too adult for the 6.30pm slot.

Quote: playfull @ August 18 2013, 11:32 PM BST

Bit worried that the references might be too adult for the 6.30pm slot.

View original

Thank you, I was careful not to be rude, everything is implied but not said?
Does anyone else think this is to adult for 6.30?

Quote: sglen @ August 18 2013, 9:58 PM BST

Nice one! Excellent rewrite

View original

Thank you SGlen, appreciate the comment.

I don't think its too rude, its certainly clever and funny.

I'd rewrite that intro bit though, it feels quite awkward.

Also maybe the reference to interface felt a little awkward, is it a term people use much?

I mean there's saucier terms like poke or broadband.

Quote: sootyj @ August 19 2013, 11:44 AM BST

I don't think its too rude, its certainly clever and funny.

I'd rewrite that intro bit though, it feels quite awkward.

Also maybe the reference to interface felt a little awkward, is it a term people use much?

I mean there's saucier terms like poke or broadband.

View original

Thanks,
Can anyone help with a intro rewrite? I'm a bit rubbish at that type of thing?

good rewrite

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 18 2013, 8:00 PM BST

INTRO
Bill and Susan have been Interdating, the modern form of dating that is carried out purely over the internet, for 2 months

View original

I would say lose the explanation of Interdating. I think the audience could guess what Interdating would mean. And the intro could do with a joke or two

Thank you BlahBlah, I've been trying to work on a new intro but nothing seems to be better, The problem is, because I now know the intro off by heart I can hear the "Little Britain" style voice in my head saying it and its starting to sound good to me, I know it needs a rewrite but I think I've been looking at it too much.
I happy with the rest of it (As happy as one can be!) but would love a good clever intro to start it off on the right foot. if anyone can offer I rewrite on the intro I would very much appreciate it, Hopefully I could get a few rewrites and then cherry pick the best bits! everyone's help is welcome.
Thanks
Tony

Just a thought (and not on the intro sorry) Would it be funny if during their online exchange one of them asks the other to 'pass the salt' - and it becomes apparent they are sitting at the same table?

Quote: playfull @ August 29 2013, 11:02 AM BST

Just a thought (and not on the intro sorry) Would it be funny if during their online exchange one of them asks the other to 'pass the salt' - and it becomes apparent they are sitting at the same table?

View original

Yes, that would be funny but I don't think it would work In this sketch as everyone is now sad lonely people who just sit at home on their PC's but you have given me a great punchline for another idea I was thinking of involving a family so watch this forum, you might be seeing another 2525 sketch very soon, thank for the idea!

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 29 2013, 2:55 PM BST

Yes, that would be funny but I don't think it would work In this sketch as everyone is now sad lonely people who just sit at home on their PC's

View original

I think that's Playfull's point - it is a reversal of the expectation.