The worst you've ever been insulted

As some of you may have guessed I'm quite a connoisseur of the finest quality insults.
So what's the best, meanest or funniest anyone's skewered your bloated ego, brought you down 2 whole pegs or other ways dissed the damage.

Sootyj First of course.

1 When doing standup my first joke is,
"I'm a stripper and a standup, please laugh or I'll be embarassed and you'll be sorry."
One heckler half way through his act called out,
"Take your clothes off it can't be any worse."

2 A tramp begging on the other side of the road yelled,
"You could have left me one pie!"

We've had a few nutters in our school although my favourite was one kid who in the midst of trying to thump his mother and simultaneously destroy the reception area. I tried to grab hold of the little f**k when he turned around and said 'You're a c**t and a faggot.' A c**t maybe, but a faggot, never.

A veritable Oscar Wilde of the valleys.

although I'd have added the bon mot.

"A c**t and a faggot either can handle a little prick like your goodself."

After reciting 'Tam O' Shanter' at a Burns supper some bastard (obviously male) complimented me on having remembered all the words! I swear there are not many people who could better my performance of this poem.

I've been called a solicitor before.

Or even worse...

A policewoman.

Quote: roscoff @ August 28 2013, 8:04 PM BST

'You're a c**t and a faggot.'

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How old are the children using these words!

But never a police woman soliciting?

I once lead a summer camp of international volunteers working on a summer camp.
We went on strike, collapsed kids tents on them and got accused of drug dealing. Fun times.
Any way one evening I stay over with a mate who has a telly to watch Babylon 5.
Come back to where the vollies are staying the next day, they see me and burst out laughing. I ask what the joke was and apparently they were watching newsnight the night before where some one mentioned "moral majority" one vollie says "what's a moral majority"
and several others reply
"Watching Babylon 5 at Rob's house."
Aparently they thought I was bossy.

I used to work as a student services person in dorms, and one evening I'm doing my rounds and I see this kid walking around in the hall with a glass of dark liquid. Now I am a total kill-joy at this time of night, in my life. So I go over to him and he's about 17 (so under the legal age in anyone's books) and I ask him what he's got in the glass. First he tries to say it was Coke. So, I ask to smell it, and then he says that it's Vanilla Coke and that it will smell funny. So I smell it and it's obviously a rum and coke. So the kid's not doing too badly, he's under the legal limit and he's just lied to me. So, when I tell him that it's definitely rum and coke he comes back with "No it isn't."

So I reply "yes, it is."

He asks "Are you calling me a liar?"

So I could say yes and call it a night but I try to be polite, big mistake. "I'm not calling you a liar, but your perception of what you are drinking doesn't match with my reality of what you are drinking."

He replies, "You said in the house meeting that you don't drink, so how do you know this is a rum and coke?" Trying to be clever.

I say, "Because I grew up in a pub."

The little idiot then has the cheek to say, "Well, it can't have been a good pub then."

An exchange worthy of sitcom. I do love a good dissing.

Quote: Jennie @ August 28 2013, 8:54 PM BST

How old are the children using these words!

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This particular angel was 8

Quote: roscoff @ August 28 2013, 11:11 PM BST

This particular angel was 8

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I may have met a ten year old rapist, but that kind of thing really shocks me. My sister has been training at an "interesting" school. She's set herself up as a Mother Theresa type - handing out her (MY!) copy of Harry Potter books to those who don't have them.

Her NQT job is in a very middle class school. She is going to get owned by the parents worried that her teaching is derailing Alfie's private French tuition.

I helped her decorate her classroom last weekend and I can see the appeal. You have your own little dictatorship inside those four walls.

Quote: Jennie @ August 28 2013, 11:18 PM BST

You have your own little dictatorship inside those four walls.

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Basically most of my teaching is based on Mein Kampf. It's a hell of a page turner!

Um did you sort the issue on girls school uniforms?

Quote: Jennie @ August 28 2013, 11:18 PM BST

handing out her (MY!) copy of Harry Potter books to those who don't have them.

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I helped her decorate her classroom last weekend and I can see the appeal. You have your own little dictatorship inside those four walls.

I do that with my teacher friend sometimes, I love the little chairs, and desks with tiny drawers underneath. It's so cosy and lovely in there. Makes me want to be 8 again.

Quote: sootyj @ August 28 2013, 11:26 PM BST

Um did you sort the issue on girls school uniforms?

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Them's the ones and we got these for the lads

Quote: zooo @ August 28 2013, 11:28 PM BST

I do that with my teacher friend sometimes, I love the little chairs, and desks with tiny drawers underneath. It's so cosy and lovely in there. Makes me want to be 8 again.

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I love the little chairs! Helena (sis) left the room and told me I could decorate the classroom as I wished - so I covered it in Disney pictures.

She came back in, looked around and said "I meant stuff with some kind of educational value".

Disney is educational.