Hi
I have written episode 2 of a sitcom. Episode 1 is on here under another thread. It needs another edit or two but before I do I am looking for comments and thoughts.
In particular I am look for opinions on whether there is a complete story, whether it is funny and whether you think this would be better shown on a children's TV channel.
Many Thanks
FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
THOMAS SITS ON HIS BED READING A BOOK.
HIS BROTHER JOHN WALKS INTO THE ROOM.
JOHN
Hey Thomas, you'll never guess what I've gone and done.
THOMAS
(NOT LOOKING UP) Found the TV remote?
JOHN
As if!
THOMAS
What then?
JOHN
I've got a job.
THOMAS STOPS READING, PLACES A BOOKMARK NEATLY IN HIS PAGE, CLOSES HIS BOOK AND STARES AT JOHN.
THOMAS
What!
JOHN
I've got a job.
JOHN TAKES A HOME-MADE NAME BADGE FROM HIS POCKET.
JOHN
YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE LATEST ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE FOR POWERCLEAN PERFORMANCE PRODUCTS.
JOHN ATTACHES THE BADGE TO HIS SHIRT AND STANDS PROUDLY UPRIGHT.
THOMAS BURST OUT LAUGHING.
JOHN
What?
THOMAS
An Account Executive!
THOMAS LAUGHS.
JOHN
Yeah.
THOMAS
Do you even know what an Account Executive is?
JOHN
No, but there was a picture of a sunrise on the advert.
THOMAS
But you're bone idle.
JOHN
I have a job and that's (NODDING) that!
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
NANNA LIFTS A CAKE FROM THE OVEN AND POKES IT WITH A KNIFE.
NANNA
Perfect.
THOMAS WALKS IN, TRIPS OVER FLUFFLES, NANNA'S CHIHUAHUA, AND LANDS FACE-FIRST IN ITS FOOD BOWL.
THOMAS GLARES SILENTLY AT FLUFFLES.
FLUFFLES GROWLS AT THOMAS.
NANNA
Stop teasing Fluffles, you know he's easily excitable.
THOMAS
Have you heard about John?
NANNA
What, his rash?
THOMAS
No, he's got a job.
NANNA
Oh that! Yeah, it was me who suggested it. He wanted a new thingy for his thingy. I said no. He sulked. So I suggested that if he wants his thingy that much then why doesn't he get a job.
THOMAS
But it's John!
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
JOHN OPENS A LARGE BOX ON THE KITCHEN TABLE.
THOMAS WALKS IN THE ROOM.
THOMAS
What's that?
JOHN
My work stuff.
THOMAS
Let's look.
THOMAS REACHES IN THE BOX, TAKES OUT A BOTTLE AND READS THE LABEL.
THOMAS
Powerclean Performance Products presents Prestigious Powderless Potion. That's an awful lot of Ps. (TURNING TO BOTTLE UPSIDE-DOWN) What's this stuff?
THE BOTTLE LID FALLS OFF AND PINK LIQUID SPILLS OVER THE TABLE.
FLUFFLES WALKS IN, JUMPS UP ON THE TABLE AND LICKS THE LIQUID.
JOHN
No, no.
JOHN GOES TO PICK UP FLUFFLES.
THOMAS
Leave the scrawny little thing.
FLUFFLES GROWLS AT THOMAS.
THOMAS SWINGS FOR FLUFFLES, MISSES, SLIPS ON SOME SPILT LIQUID AND FALLS ONTO THE TABLE. FLUFFLES LAUNCHES UP INTO THE AIR AND OUT OF THE KITCHEN WINDOW.
JOHN
Oops!
FEAR DESCENDS UPON THOMAS' FACE.
THOMAS
What are we going to do?
JOHN
What's it with this we?
THOMAS PACES.
THOMAS
Think, Thomas, think. (PAUSE) Great Idea, Thomas.
JOHN
What?
THOMAS
I'll stage a pretend burglary and say Fluffles was stolen. I'll smash the lock on the front door. Yeah! I'll sell Nanna's jewellery and the stereo. I'll mess up the bedrooms and leave a little something on the living room carpet...
JOHN
(INTERRUPTING) Or you could go and look for Fluffles.
THOMAS
Or I could go and look for him. Genius!
CUT TO:
EXT. LOCAL PARK - MORNING
JOHN SLIDES DOWN A SLIDE, CAN'T STOP, SHOOTS OFF THE END AND COLLIDES WITH THOMAS KNOCKING HIM OVER.
THOMAS GLARES SILENTLY AT JOHN.
YOU HAVEN'T GOT TIME TO PLAY. DID YOU FIND FLUFFLES?
JOHN
No.
THOMAS
Where did you look?
JOHN
Where you told me to.
THOMAS
Percy Close?
JOHN
Yep.
THOMAS
James Gardens?
JOHN
Yep.
THOMAS
Martin Terrace?
JOHN
Yep.
THOMAS
And you didn't see the rat. Think, Thomas, think.
JOHN
You could ask someone.
THOMAS
I could ask someone. Brilliant!
THOMAS
There's an ice cream van over there. Go ask the bloke if he's seen Fluffles. I'll go and ask that man (POINTING) with the dog.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK BENCH - MORNING
THOMAS SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE BENCH.
THOMAS
Excuse me sir. I'm very sorry to interrupt but I was wondering when you were walking your lovely dog...
THOMAS STROKES THE MAN'S DOG WHICH IS A GOLDEN RETRIEVER.
THOMAS
(CONT'D) whether you have happened to have come across Nanna's hairy Chihuahua. It's a little grey with short and curly hair.
MAN
(OOV) Sorry, I haven't seen anything.
THOMAS
OK, thank you sir and I'm sorry to have troubled you.
MAN
(OOV) That's OK, it's no bother.
THOMAS STANDS.
ZOOM OUT REVEALING THAT THE MAN'S BLIND AND THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER IS HIS GUIDE DOG.
CUT TO:
EXT. LOCAL PARK - MORNING
THOMAS APPROACHES JOHN WHO'S EATING AN ICE CREAM.
THOMAS
What did he say?
JOHN
Who?
THOMAS
(ANNOYED) The ice cream bloke.
JOHN
That'll be one pound forty.
THOMAS GLARES SILENTLY AT JOHN.
THOMAS
Did you ask him whether he had seen Fluffles?
JOHN
No... I forgot.
THOMAS
Come on.
JOHN TRIPS, AND AS HE FALLS ACCIDENTLY PUSHES HIS ICE CREAM INTO THOMAS' FACE.
JOHN
Oops!
THOMAS GLARES SILENTLY AT JOHN.
CUT TO:
EXT. LOCAL PARK - MORNING
THOMAS
Quick... quick run.
THOMAS RUNS PAST JOHN.
JOHN SEES A LARGE DOG CHASING THOMAS.
JOHN RUNS AFTER THOMAS.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK WALL - MORNING
JOHN IS ON TOP OF A WALL. THOMAS IS AT THE BOTTOM.
THOMAS
Quick, help me up.
JOHN GRABS THOMAS BY THE TROUSERS AND PULLS HIM UP.
THOMAS' TROUSERS RIP OFF.
JOHN, UNBALANCED, FALLS OFF THE WALL KNOCKING OVER THOMAS.
THE LARGE DOG ARRIVES AND LICKS ICE CREAM FROM THOMAS' FACE.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK BUSHES - MORNING
THOMAS
Go home and get a pair of jeans.
JOHN
Ooh-kay-doh-kay.
THOMAS
I'll stay here and keep looking for the rat.
THOMAS SHOVES JOHN OUT OF THE BUSH.
THOMAS
Don't mess it up.
JOHN WALKS AWAY.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK BUSHES - MORNING
FROM THE BUSHES THOMAS SURVEYS THE PARK.
THOMAS EDGES BACKWARDS AND HIS BARE LEGS TOUCHES A PATCH OF NETTLES WHICH CAUSES HIM TO PANT WITH PAIN.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK BENCH - MORNING
A YOUNG MOTHER SAT ON THE BENCH HEARS THOMAS' PANTING NOISES.
WITH A PUZZLED LOOK SHE STARES AT THE BUSHES.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK - MORNING
A SMALL CHILD, PLAYING WITH FRIENDS, ACCIDENTLY KICKS A BALL INTO THE BUSHES.
THE CHILD APPROACHES THE BUSHES.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK BUSHES - MORNING
THOMAS
Here you go.
THOMAS PASSES THE BALL TO THE CHILD WHICH THE CHILD NERVOUSLY TAKES.
THOMAS
I'm looking for a little doggie. Have you seen it?
CHILD
No.
THOMAS
Well, if you see a little doggie wondering around looking lost then come and let me know. As a reward, I'll give you a mint.
CHILD
Ok.
THE CHILD RUNS OFF AND REJOINS HIS FRIENDS.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK BUSHES - MORNING
JOHN APPEARS WITH A PAIR OF TROUSERS.
THOMAS
About time! What took you so long?
JOHN
The bus never turned up.
THOMAS
The bus! (POINTING) We only live over there.
JOHN SMILES.
THOMAS
Never mind.
THOMAS PUTS ON THE TROUSERS.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK BUSHES - MORNING
THOMAS GLARES SILENTLY AT JOHN.
THOMAS
I told you to get a pair of my jeans.
ZOOM OUT REVEALING THE JEANS ARE FAR TOO SHORT IN THE LEG.
JOHN
I thought you said to get a pair of Dean's.
THOMAS
Dean! You don't even know a Dean.
JOHN
I do, Dean Phillips.
THOMAS
Who? Never mind... come on let's look for Fluffles.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - MORNING
JOHN AND THOMAS WALK ALONG THE STREET
THOMAS
Where can he be?
JOHN
Who?
THOMAS
Bob the Builder!
JOHN
What are you looking for him for?
THOMAS GLARES SILENTLY AT JOHN.
THOMAS
(MIMICKING JOHN) Who?
TOO BUSY MIMICKING JOHN TO LOOK WHERE HE'S WALKING, THOMAS TRIPS AND FALLS FACE-FIRST INTO A PILE OF DOG POO.
JOHN
Oops!
USING THOMAS' TORN TROUSERS, JOHN WIPES THOMAS'S FACE. THIS MAKES MORE OF A MESS.
THOMAS GLARES SILENTLY AT JOHN.
THOMAS
Don't just stand there, help me up.
JOHN
No, you're covered in poo.
THOMAS FORCEFULLY HOLDS OUT HIS HAND.
JOHN RELUCTANTLY HELPS THOMAS UP.
THOMAS
I've got to go and get changed.
JOHN
What about looking for Fluffles?
THOMAS
Stuff that hairy rat. In case you haven't noticed. I am covered in dog poo.
JOHN
What about Nanna? She's not going to be happy.
FEAR DESCENDS ON THOMAS' FACE.
THOMAS
Think, Thomas, think.
JOHN
You could get someone to look for you.
THOMAS
I could get someone to look for me. Great Idea, Thomas.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - MORNING
JOHN AND THOMAS APPROACH A SMALL CHILD ON A BIKE.
THOMAS
Excuse me.
THE CHILD STOPS.
THOMAS
I am wondering whether you will help me.
THE CHILD LOOKS AT THOMAS.
THOMAS
I have misplaced my doggie.
THE CHILD BURSTS OUT LAUGHING.
CHILD
(POINTING AT THOMAS' FACE) Poo face... poo face.
THOMAS GLARES SILENTLY AT JOHN AS THE CHILD RIDES AWAY LAUGHING.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - MORNING
JOHN AND THOMAS APPROACH A SMALL CHILD SAT ON A WALL EATING AN ICE CREAM.
THOMAS
Excuse me.
THE CHILD LOOKS UP.
THOMAS
Do you mind looking for my doggie while I pop home and get changed?
THE CHILD LOOKS AT THOMAS, AT JOHN AND BACK AT THOMAS.
CHILD
OK.
THE CHILD RESUMES EATING HIS ICE CREAM.
THOMAS
Thank you.
THOMAS WALKS AWAY.
JOHN CHASES AFTER HIM AND WHISPERS IN HIS EAR.
THOMAS RETURNS TO THE CHILD.
THOMAS
The doggie looks like a grey hairy rat with short and curly hair.
THE CHILD NODS.
THOMAS
If you see it then you come and get me.
JOHN PASSES THOMAS A PEN.
THOMAS
(WRITING ON THE CHILD'S HAND) Here's my address. If you find the doggie then I let you have a mint from the packet under my bed.
JOHN WHISPERS IN THOMAS' EAR.
THOMAS GLARES SILENTLY AT JOHN.
THOMAS
It appears the mice have found the mints so you can have a packet of crisps instead.
JOHN WHISPERS IN THOMAS' EAR.
THOMAS GLARES SILENTLY AT JOHN.
THOMAS
An apple?
THE CHILD NODS.
THOMAS
So, that's clear. You find my doggie and you can have an apple. Somehow the mice haven't found them.
CHILD
(WITHOUT LOOKING UP) OK.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK BENCH - MORNING
THE CHILD, PLAYING FOOTBALL WITH HIS FRIENDS, RETURNS TO HIS MOTHER.
CHILD
Mummy.
MOTHER
Yes darling?
CHILD
Have you seen a little doggy?
MOTHER
Why do you ask?
CHILD
There's a man in the bushes with no trousers...
MOTHER
What!
CHILD
He said that if I help him find a doggie, he'll let me have a mint.
CUT TO:
EXT. PARK - MORNING
A POLICEMAN STANDS NEXT TO THE CHILD AND HIS MOTHER.
MOTHER
Dylan, tell the nice police lady where you saw this man.
DYLAN POINTS TOWARDS THE BUSHES.
MOTHER
Yes. He said if Dylan helps find his doggie, he could suck his mint.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
JOHN AND THOMAS ENTER THE ROOM.
NANNA WATCHES THE TELEVISION.
THOMAS
Nanna, You better sit down. I have something important to tell you.
NANNA
I am sat down! Be quick, Bargain Hunt is about to start.
THOMAS
(NERVOUSLY) It's about the hairy rat... I mean Fluffles.
NANNA
What have you done?
THOMAS
He's been abducted.
NANNA
What!
THOMAS
By aliens.
JOHN NOTICES FLUFFLES CURLED UP ON THE SOFA AND NUDGES THOMAS.
THOMAS
Not now.
JOHN
But...
THOMAS
(INTERRUPTING) I said not now. Yes Nanna, it happened so fast. I went to give Fluffles one of those bones when suddenly this bright light shot in through the window. Before I could do anything an alien with a long face appeared, picked up Fluffles and...
JOHN NUDGES THOMAS CAUSING HIM TO STUMBLE AND FALL INTO THE CURTAINS.
JOHN
Look.
JOHN POINTS TO FLUFFLES. THOMAS LOOKS THEN DOES A DOUBLE TAKE.
THOMAS NERVOUSLY LOOKS AT NANNA, AT FLUFFLES AND BACK TO NANNA.
THOMAS
Err... Cake anyone?
NANNA STARES PUZZLINGLY AT THOMAS.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
JOHN, THOMAS AND NANNA WATCHES TELEVISION.
A NEW FLASH INTERRUPTS THE SHOW.
NEWS FLASH
We interrupt this program to bring you an important new item. We go straight over to our reporter at the scene.
THE TELEVISION SHOWS A FEMALE REPORTER OUTSIDE OF A PARK.
REPORTER
Police have launched a full scale manhunt after a report of a naked male hiding in bushes enticing small children with offers of sucking his mint.
JOHN
That looks like Tamarton Park.
THOMAS
No it doesn't.
REPORTER
Police are advising parents to be vigilant while they investigate the matter.
THOMAS
Shocking!
REPORTER
The Police report that this man used the charade of a lost dog in order to lure unsuspecting children into the bushes.
NANNA
That's awful, what's this world coming to? I remember when it was just choir boys who had to watch their backs. Now these pedalos are everywhere.
THOMAS
No punishment is too good for these sickos.
JOHN
What would you do?
THOMAS
The same as the Greeks. They had it right.
JOHN
What's that?
THOMAS
Throw them to the lions.
NANNA
Shush you two, I'm trying to watch this.
REPORTER
I have just been handed a piece of paper with a description of the suspect.
NANNA
I bet he's lardy.
JOHN
Might not be.
NANNA
Will be. Always are.
JOHN
Are they?
THOMAS
Pause the TV, I'll take on that bet.
JOHN PRESSES THE PAUSE BUTTON ON THE REMOTE.
THOMAS TAKES OUT HIS PURSE AND COUNTS OUT SOME COINS.
THOMAS
I bet two pounds, sixteen that you're wrong.
NANNA REMERGES DOWN THE BACK OF THE SOFA.
NANNA
I've one pound eighty seven in coins, a button, a crisp and some fluff.
THOMAS
That'll do.
JOHN PRESSES THE PLAY BUTTON ON THE REMOTE.
REPORTER
The suspect's believed to be somewhere between twenty and fifty, short brown hair and big boned.
NANNA
Told ya.
THOMAS RELUCTANTLY PASSES THE MONEY TO NANNA.
JOHN
(TO THOMAS) Sounds like you.
THOMAS
No it doesn't.
REPORTER
I am getting new information.
NANNA
Wonder what's happened. This is better than normal TV.
REPORTER
It's believed that the suspect has been caught on CCTV walking away from the scene with another man.
NANNA
Two of them!
THOMAS
Not surprised, they always hunt in packs. At least he'll have someone to pick up his soap for him in the prison showers.
NANNA
This is getting good. Thomas, go and make me a cup of tea. We may be here for a while.
THOMAS
John, do you fancy a tea?
JOHN
Go on then.
THOMAS
Well make Nanna a cup while you're out there.
JOHN
Ooh-kay-doh-kay.
JOHN WALKS TO THE KITCHEN.
THOMAS
(SHOUTING) John.
JOHN REAPPEARS.
THOMAS
Bring me some milk.
JOHN
Ooh-kay-doh-kay.
JOHN WALKS TO THE KITCHEN.
THOMAS
(SHOUTING) John.
JOHN REAPPEARS.
JOHN
What?
THOMAS
Bring the cake.
JOHN
There isn't any, you ate it all.
THOMAS
Well, bring some biscuits instead.
JOHN
Ooh-kay-doh-kay.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
JOHN PASSES THOMAS A TRAY CONTAINING A GLASS OF MILK AND A PLATE OF BISCUITS.
JOHN TRIPS AND ACCIDENTLY DROPS THE MILK AND BISCUITS OVER THOMAS.
JOHN
Oops!
THOMAS GLARES SILENTLY AT JOHN.
JOHN
Don't panic.
JOHN PICKS UP A CUSHION AND GOES TO WIPE THOMAS' FACE.
NANNA
(SHOUTING) John!
JOHN SILENTLY PUTS DOWN THE CUSHION.
REPORTER
I am being informed of an important update. The police are stepping up their operation. The armed response team, dogs and helicopter has been called for.
JOHN
Oh!
JOHN SITS AND WATCHES THE TELEVISION.
REPORTER
The CCTV show the two suspects approaching children on the street. They have been seen writing their address on the children's hands. Obviously, tricking them with the offer of sucking on more sweets.
NANNA
Appalling!
JOHN
Who would do something like that?
THOMAS
I hope the police catch them soon.
REPORTER
The police have asked any child who have been approached by this pair to come forward. Hopefully it will only be a matter of time before the suspects are apprehended and safely locked up. Until this time the police advise all parents not to let their children out of their sight.
THOMAS
Wise move.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - MORNING
SEVERAL POLICE CARS, SIRENS AND LIGHTS ACTIVE, RACE ALONG JOHN & THOMAS' STREET.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
THOMAS
The surround sound on this new television is amazing. It's as if the police are right outside.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET - MORNING
THE POLICE CARS PULL UP OUTSIDE THE JOHN & THOMAS' HOUSE.
CUT TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - MORNING
THE BLUE LIGHT FROM THE POLICE CARS SHINE ON THE LIVING ROOM WALL.
JOHN
Look, it even makes it look like the police are outside.
REPORTER
We are crossing now to outside of the house believed to be the men's evil den.
THE NEW BULLETIN SHOWS THE OUTSIDE OF A HOUSE.
JOHN
That looks like our house.
THOMAS
No it doesn't.
REPORTER
The police have the property surrounded and are getting in position to gain entry.
JOHN
Look, that house has exactly the same broken window as us. Remember the one you broke last week.
THOMAS
Will you stop with the "this looks like our house" nonsense. That's not our house and let...
THE POLICE SUDDENLY BURST THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.
POLICE OFFICER
There they are.
THE POLICE OFFICER GRABS THOMAS AND THROWS HIM AGAINST THE WALL.
THOMAS
Arghh!
ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER GRABS JOHN AND THROWS HIM NEXT TO THOMAS.
JOHN
Oops!
HANDCUFFED, THE POLICE DRAG JOHN AND THOMAS AWAY.
REPORTER
The police have apprehended two suspects.
NANNA
Wow! These modern televisions are really realistic.
FADE OUT: