2525: Junkie

Hello all,

I have been inspired by all your 2525 efforts to pop my sketch writing cherry. This is a quick idea I had that needs a lot of polishing, but I would appreciate all your help and advice.

In 2525, the scourge of substance dependency continues to blight the lives of many Britains...

FX: RUNNING

POLICEMAN:
Come here, sunny jim. I've got you.

DAWKINS:
What? I got nothing on me guv.

POLICEMAN:
Don't play the fool with me, sunshine. I saw the deal take place. I'll have to search your pockets. What do we have here? A cling film wrap of white powder.

DAWKINS:
It's not what you think.

POLICEMAN:
It's exactly what I think. Sherbet Dip Dab! I knew it! You have all the classic hallmarks. The love handles, the meat sweats, the pupils that dilate at the tinkle of an oncoming ice cream van. Got anything else on you? Or do I need to conduct a more intimate search?

DAWKINS:
I got a couple of mcchicken nuggets down my pants.

POLICEMAN:
Oh, I thought that was... never mind. Off to court for you my boy!

JUDGE:
Terry Dawkins, you stand charged on this indictment with possession of a controlled drug of class A, namely, one sherbet dip dab, one mcchicken nugget and one bar of low fat chocolate.

DAWKINS:
Hang on! The chocolate's low fat! It's a legal high!

JUDGE:
Your addiction is blighting the lives of the law abiding residents of this community. Not only is noise pollution at a record high because of your snoring but they have the inconvenience of sharing half their bus seats with you. For such a crime there can only be one penalty.

Will think of a punchline when it's not ten past midnight and I still have a long night of work ahead.

Ok good idea but way to long and it kinda finishes in the middle.

And far too much space between the giggles.

Basically, you want to make the lead upto the junk food reveal much shorter and zippier and funnier.

Then stop with the reveal that the white powder is sherbert, maybe add a subpunch

"have you got the hard stuff?"

2these donuts are well stale"

Nice dialogue and the characters come to life nicely, but as said way too long and it's not the most original of subjects.

Thanks both.

Definitely too long - that is just a first draft splurge.

I am thinking of separating it into two sketches. One with the deal and turn the rest of the sketch into a separate thing about a support group for addicts.

It does read like two sketches so it would definitely be wise to separate.

Quote: Shandonbelle @ August 20 2013, 10:47 PM BST

It does read like two sketches so it would definitely be wise to separate.

View original

Yeah, I think you are right. I know nothing about sketch writing really. I don't really comment on sketches on here because I don't feel particularly equipped to do so.

They don't allow you to send sequels so make sure they're completely different

Skits are mostly like kicking a gorilla in the nuts and running away before he can shove your head up you're arse

Quote: Jennie @ August 20 2013, 10:48 PM BST

Yeah, I think you are right. I know nothing about sketch writing really. I don't really comment on sketches on here because I don't feel particularly equipped to do so.

View original

If you have an opinion you're equipped

Quote: sootyj @ August 20 2013, 10:50 PM BST

If you have an opinion you're equipped

View original

And there was born the Critique Coat of Arms crest.

A resplendent foot being shoved into a open gob on a field of argent

I think I'll stick with the beef casserole.

Quote: Jennie @ August 20 2013, 10:48 PM BST

Yeah, I think you are right. I know nothing about sketch writing really. I don't really comment on sketches on here because I don't feel particularly equipped to do so.

View original

Reading - figuring out why something works or doesn't - then commenting on what you like or don't like is as good a way to learn as any. And cheaper than taking a course.

I agree you have two sketches here cut them up and practice on them.

playfull

The opening exchange with the dealer adds nothing; try to get into the sketch quicker.

I would give the reveal that the white powder is sherbet to the policeman - it makes the joke clearer.

The second scene does drag rather but there is some good stuff in there and you do need the follow on to give the first scene context.

I like the legal high line, but not the arbitrary change of the law, that made no real sense in the logic of sketch.

The Gillian McKeith punchline was not at all good.

Quote: playfull @ August 20 2013, 11:13 PM BST

Reading - figuring out why something works or doesn't - then commenting on what you like or don't like is as good a way to learn as any.

View original

Defo.

Thanks Tursiops, all useful and appreciated. Will get to work.

Quote: Shandonbelle @ August 20 2013, 11:00 PM BST

And there was born the Critique Coat of Arms crest.

View original

If we are going to have a coat of arms it should be in Latin so:

"Si vos have opinio te instructi"

(You see the things I do when I'm drunk, Translate sayings into a dead language just so that all those years of learning it don't seem like such a waist of time! lol)

Policeman licks his finger, puts it in the powder and then rubs some into his gums.

"Just as I thought. It's sherbert, and the good stuff too."