The Number - short

Here's a short film script I've been working on. Feedback would be greatly appreciated! It's my first script I'm sharing so be gentle.

EXT. RIVER BANK - EARLY MORNING ON A SUNDAY
A group of young party goers walk on the river bank. They seem
like having a good time. Soon, they realise that someone is
in the water.

CHELSEA
Oh my god. What the hell is that?

Mary notices the body.

MARY
Oh my GOD! What the hell happened to him?

The gang looks at the body in the river.

ANTHONY
We should call the ambulance!

CHELSEA
(pondering)
Are you sure we should call the ambulance...?

MARY
What do you mean?

CHELSEA
I mean, he looks pretty dead to me.
I don't think he's gonna be
breathing no more.

MARY
He could be alive, you never know!
The paramedics could resuscitate
him!

CHELSEA
So which one should I call then,
ambulance or the police?

Next lines by Anthony and Mary are said at the same time.

ANTHONY
Ambulance!

MARY
The police!

CHELSEA
What's the number again? 999?

ANTHONY
YES! No, wait. Is it?

CHELSEA
911?

MARY
No, that's in the United States.

CHELSEA
Well what is it then?!

ANTHONY
111? Oh no, wait. That's the
number when it's a non-emergency
health issue.

MARY
I think this qualifies as an
emergency.

CHELSEA
Are you sure?

MARY
What do you mean?

CHELSEA
He looks pretty dead to me. I don't think he's in
an emergency. Dead people don't
worry about the time. (mockingly)
Oh no, I'm gonna be late for the
morgue!

ANTHONY
Good point. But what's 101 then?

CHELSEA
101?

MARY
No no no, it can't be 101. (pause)
Lets think for a minute. In the
United States it's always 911, in
Europe it's 112...

ANTHONY
But we're in the UK. So what's the
number for the police for a
non-emergency-like situation?

MARY
Hold on a second, I thought we
agreed on ambulance ---

CHELSEA
He's dead, police is better. .

ANTHONY
She's right. Wait a minute! I
remember reading about something in
the newspaper about the numbers.

MARY
What about them?

ANTHONY
They changed the number here to
match the European Union laws!

CHELSEA
(annoyed)
So what is the number I should call
then? This shit is proper annoying me!

ANTHONY
Let me see... I believe... they
changed it... to... 112! (happy
about his discovery) That's it!
They made it the same as in the
rest of Europe!

MARY & CHELSEA
Aa, they made it the same.

ANTHONY (CONT'D)
So that people wouldn't get
confused!

MARY
Well that's much better.

ANTHONY
(happy)
Yes, it is, isn't it?

CHELSEA
(nodding)
Yes, I agree.

Pause. They all look at the body.

ANTHONY
So who's going to call then?

The girls look at their phones.

CHELSEA
Oh I haven't got signal.

MARY
My battery is dead.

Anthony checks his pockets.

ANTHONY
I've lost my phone.

MARY & CHELSEA
Really? Awww!

They all look at the body. Then they look at each other.

CHELSEA
Come on, lets go find your phone.

All of them shrug shoulders and start walking away. The body
sinks in to the water.

Love it! Original and clever. I'm a fan...

Thank you!

Very good, we had a conversation in work the other day about what number to ring in a non emergency, so I can relate to it.

Is that it? All the feedback I'm gonna get? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate every single comment made here but I was just expecting maybe a couple more comments

There's lots I like about that, the characters are nice, and it zings along really well.

I reckon, though, that you could get more out of the coversation by ramping up the jeopardy with a real crisis, rather than someone who's almost certainly already dead: a burning building, or what have you. Make it more comical that people are bickering over numbers whilst scereams ring out from a flamiing building; then, once they finally agree on 999, have them argue about which service to call ("But there could be injured people, phone an ambulance"; "I think this is, catgeorically, a fire-related event").

Perhaps by the end the screams have stopped - "Oh, well, that decides it - no point in an ambulance"; "Well, if everyone's dead, who cares if the building burns down?"; "Good point, let's just go down the pub".

Just a couple of ideas, ignore at your leisure.

The rule with film is show don't tell. This is an extended sketch that could just as well be done on radio. It's not a short film... and it loses credibility when they don't just call the police and on it goes. The willing suspension of disbelief is critically compromised. There is no jeopardy or risk in the situation. Sorry to be negative. If you are going to the great trouble of making a short film - trouble to make it great would be my advice. 0r as best you can.

The dialogue his zipp and the confusion over emergency numbers is ingenious

But it sorta ends and as Marco points out it lacks tension or peril

Also the first few lines are far too much people pointing out what they're saying

Mark

I enjoyed reading this. ("Aw they made it the same" made me laugh )I would say this is a sketch though. Although if you film it, and it is short ...? I also think this would be improved if it was an actual emergency that added to the pressure of the situation.

Nice one though.

I read it. I had two thoughts.

1) it is a sketch not a short film.

2) You need to up the stakes by having them in some kind of peril themselves.

Then I realised it had already been said.

Thanks guys! Now that's a lot more to think about... mind is buzzing already.

Hi Nick,

You have an idea here but I think it needs more work. It didn't work for me as it is. It felt like someone my age had written it - I think you need to work a couple of younger references into it -

"has anyone got a police app?"
or "I just updated his status on deadbook"

Well maybe not those but you get my meaning.

Also I thought at the end it just fizzled out with no attempt at a punch line.

As Marc says you have written a radio sketch; seen as a sketch I am not so sure I agree about the loss of credibility, since the introduction of an element of the absurd is pretty much how sketches work.

I also agree you need to ramp up the jeopardy, there should be genuine disagreement about whether he is dead or not, and therefore whether it is appropriate to call the police or an ambulance - ramp up the absurdity.

And as playfull says, you need a stronger out.

Quote: sootyj @ August 16 2013, 3:37 PM BST

as Marco points out it lacks tension or peril

View original

I said it first. And now everyone has said it. I used this line first, on Critipedia, and you all stole it.

Yes but marcps king of Norfolk
so he has certain rights and lefts