This is my first attempt at comedy writing. I apologise if it's really bad. Let me know what you think if you have time. I'd appreciate it.
Love and Friendship: Episode 1:
EXT. TRAIN STATION. DAY. CRAIG COMES OUT OF THE TRAIN STATION PULLING HIS TROLLEY OF LUGGAGE. HE IS BARELY ABLE TO PULL IT AND HIS HAIR IS UP IN THE AIR. HE GIVES THE LUGGAGE A LARGE DISGRUNTLED PULL AND FALLS OVER. A CHILD WALKING PAST LAUGHS.
INT. JOSIE'S AND LANA'S FLAT. DAY. JOSIE IS A CROSS-DRESSER WHO IS DRESSING UP AS SALLY BOWLES FROM THE MUSICAL CABARET IN HER BATHROOM. SHE HAS THE SOUNDTRACK TO CABARET ON IN THE BACKGROUND. THE TITLE TRACK "CABARET" IS PLAYING. JOSIE FINISHES DOING HER MAKE-UP AND GOES INTO THE LIVING-ROOM WHERE THE TRACK IS PLAYING. SHE BEGINS TO SING AND DANCE TO THE MUSIC, REINACTING THE SCENE FROM CABARET WITH LIZA MINNELLI.
EXT. BLOCK OF FLATS. CRAIG HAS ARRIVED OUTSIDE THE BLOCK OF FLATS. HE IS STILL PULLING HIS TROLLEY OF LUGGAGE. A TAXI PULLS UP BESIDE HIM AND A MAN IN HIS FIFTIES POKES HIS HEAD OUT OF THE TAXI.
TAXI DRIVER: Hey son. It's people like you that make me sick.
CRAIG: What?
TAXI DRIVER: I got a family to feed and your skimming on the few pounds!
Craig is taken aback and a little nervous.
CRAIG: Oh I'm sorry.
TAXI DRIVER: Your the reason my youngest is not getting a big birthday cake tomorrow. We'll have a cupcake now. How do you sleep at night?! You people make me sick.
The taxi driver drives off. Craig tries to pull the trolley of luggage again and once again falls over.
INT. JOSIE'S AND LANA'S FLAT. DAY. JOSIE NOW HAS MAYBE THIS TIME ON. SHE IS SINGING IT DRAMATICALLY BUT COMPLETELY OUT OF TUNE. SUDDENLY SHE HEARS NOISE OUTSIDE AND A CRASHING. SHE PEERS OUT THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE OF THE DOOR AND NOTICES CRAIG GETTING TO HIS FEET.
JOSIE: (MUTTERS TO HERSELF) Oh no!
She rushes to the cd player to put off the music but it is then that Craig walks in.
JOSIE: (QUICKLY) This is not what it looks like.
CRAIG: (OUT OF BREATH) Oh hi. You must be Jose. I'm Craig.
Craig walks over to Josie and extends his hand for her to shake. His hands are scraped and bleeding. Josie is bewildered by his reaction. She shakes his hand in shock.
JOSIE: Yes. Yes I am Jose.
She then notices the injuries to his hands.
JOSIE: You hurt your hands.
Craig looks to the trolley of luggage.
CRAIG: It's that bloody thing. It's like pulling a double decker. Not that I ever have. Though I did think of it once when I was a kid watching that show, strong man or something. They took up rocks and all.
JOSIE: I'll get some plasters. I'm sure we've got some in the cupboard. Sit down.
Craig smiles.
CRAIG: Thank you.
He sits down and Josie goes to get the plasters. She converses from the kitchen where she is looking for the plasters.
JOSIE: Lana didn't tell me you were coming this early.
CRAIG: I decided to come earlier. That way I wouldn't be late. I tend to miss trains when I'm scheduled to go on them.
JOSIE: Well I suppose it's a good way to be sure.
Josie comes back in with the plasters.
CRAIG: My ex boyfriend thought that too but he was imaginary so he tended to agree with me.
Josie sits down beside Craig and begins to put plasters on his injuries.
JOSIE: I should probably put that cd player off.
CRAIG: No your alright. I mean who doesn't like a bit of old Cabaret?
JOSIE: Yeah good old Liza as Miss Sally Bowles.
CRAIG: Well she was good but I preferred the Emcee. (PUTS ON THE VOICE OF THE EMCEE) Leave your problems outside. Life is disappointing begin. In here life is beautiful. The people are beautiful. The orchestra is beautiful.
Josie laughs.
JOSIE: And I thought I was bad!
CRAIG: Your in the half penny place girl.
There is the sound of the key in the lock.
JOSIE: That must be Lana now.
Lana comes in and falls over the trolley of luggage. She screams in pain. Josie and Craig run to help her.
INT. JOSIE'S AND LANA'S FLAT. DAY. LANA HAS A BRUISED CHIN. JOSIE IS HOLDING AN ICE PACK TO HER CHIN. CRAIG LOOKS GUILTY.
CRAIG: Oh my god, sweetie I am so sorry. I forgot completely about that thing. I just discarded it at the door. It was giving me evils all the way from Edinburgh.
JOSIE: Evils?
LANA: It once happened me with a rucksack.
JOSIE: What? You fell over it?
LANA: No, it was giving me evils.
JOSIE: Oh. I can't say that ever happened me.
LANA: I'll pity you if it does. I lost my money that day. The bag deliberately done it.
JOSIE: Were you on a train?
LANA: Yeah.
JOSIE: Had you been overindulging in the vodka supplies that go by on the little trolley again?
LANA: Might have had a few. The man at the trolley was cute and around my age.
JOSIE: And you had to be out of it to talk to him? Honestly!
CRAIG: Talking to people is hard. That's why my old flatmate was this lovely little chichihua named Cinnamon. Did you talk to him?
LANA: He didn't come back. Then an old lady had to help me off the train.
JOSIE: She must have been horrified.
LANA: Who? The old lady? No, she told me I reminded her of herself in the good old days before the husband came along.
CRAIG: I hope I'm like that old woman when I'm her age. I hope I have her fun spirit. With a few important obvious differences.
Craig and Lana giggle.
JOSIE: I hope I'm not. I can't think of anything worse. Been stuck in a loveless marriage. I hope I find the love of my life. Do you think he's out there?
LANA: I'm sure he is honey. There's someone for us all.
INT. GYM. DAY. THREE MEN ARE ON ESCALATORS. SAFETY DANCE BY MEN WITHOUT HATS IS PLAYING ON THEIR CD PLAYER NEXT TO THEM. THESE THREE MEN ARE FOOTBALLERS GLEN, BEN AND NOLAN.
GLEN: Somehow I don't think our opponents are getting in shape listening to Safety Dance.
NOLAN: Still it could be our weapon. Ain't you seen season one, episode 4 "Preggers" of Glee when the football team win because they dance to Single Ladies by Beyonce due to the expertise of one Kurt Hummel? We could get a little dance together.
Glen laughs.
GLEN: Dude, your Chris Colfer crush is getting bad.
BEN: Nolan, there's just one problem with your idea.
GLEN: Yeah, Glee isn't real.
BEN: I think it could only work in American football. I don't think the English league is ready for it. Maybe ten years time ...
GLEN: Or maybe never. Just a thought.
NOLAN: Any ideas then? You seem to be the big man with the big plan.
Glen laughs.
GLEN: The match or long-term?
NOLAN: Well I meant the meant the match but long-term seems more interesting.
GLEN: OK then. I want to win at least three titles in England, one internationally at least. Two is possible if we can hold onto Richie in the goals. Then I want to retire and go into coaching. Hopefully some wonderful woman will be a saint and marry me and we can rear a bunch of kids on a rural farm.
NOLAN: She'd want to be a saint to go and live on a rural farm!
GLEN: What's wrong with it?
NOLAN: Oh it's mainly those sheep. Always been such divas.
GLEN: What?
NOLAN: Well come on. They never cut their own hair. They always have to have their hairdressers on standby with a shears.
Glen laughs.
INT. JOSIE'S AND LANA'S FLAT. NIGHT. JOSIE IS CHANGING IN FRONT OF THEM.
JOSIE: Come on you two, get your glad rags on! I am going to find you two your future husbands! And I might just treat myself to one while I'm at it too. Now where is my bolero?
She rushes off to get her bolero.
CRAIG: She does realise that I'm a gay man, your a straight woman and she hasn't had the operation yet and she's stripping off in front of us!
Lana smiles.
LANA: I know.
Craig smiles.
CRAIG: You must be having a great time here girl!
Lana laughs.
LANA: Oh Craig, shut-up!
Josie comes back with her bolero on.
JOSIE: Well don't just sit there! Get a move on. Those men don't wait all night! Or at least the good ones don't. If we go late we'll end up with the bloody alcoholics. Now where is my bloody stilettos?
Josie rushes off to find her stilettos.
CRAIG: Thanks for asking me to come here and live with you two. I was so sad after Cinnamon's death.
LANA: Oh no problem. I'm glad to have you here. I'm glad you got the key. I was a bit scared sending it in the post. We could have got a psycho postmistress turning up in our flat!
Josie comes back with her stilettos on.
JOSIE: Hey come on guys, this is not a hospital waiting-room! He's out there waiting for you both!
LANA: For us both? The same man?
CRAIG: The greedy sod.
Josie laughs.
JOSIE: No, not the same man! Unless you two are into that sort of thing. I don't know whether you are or not.
Craig and Lana smile.
LANA: Oh shut-up Josie.
INT. CINNAMON CLUB. NIGHT. GLEN, BEN AND NOLAN ARE STANDING IN THE CORNER OF THE BAR HOLDING THEIR PINTS OF LAGER.
BEN: The Cinnamon Club?! Who'd call their establishment that?
Glen and Nolan ignore him.
NOLAN: Seen your future wife yet?
GLEN: No. You seen your future husband?
NOLAN: Husband?! Man, I ain't thought that far ahead. I've seen a few possible shags though.
GLEN: How romantic.
NOLAN: Romance is for when I'm fifty.
BEN: Who'd call their bar the Cinnamon Club? We're not exactly drinking bloody cinnamon!
NOLAN: Oh will you give it up about the name of the bloody bar?! I like it. It reminds me of my herbal tea.
GLEN: Your what?
NOLAN: My herbal tea. I have it each morning. Don't judge.
BEN: Herbal tea? Really man?
NOLAN: Don't judge man. I'm sure you have your guilty pleasures.
Ben grins cheekily.
BEN: Oh I most certainly too!
NOLAN: I don't think I want to know what they are.
BEN: Shall we give it another ten minutes and then head to Harper's if no one interesting walks in? I'm sure you'll find better shags in there Nolan and you never know Glen wifey could come in for a late-night drink. Deal boys?
NOLAN: Deal.
GLEN: OK. Deal.
EXT. CINNAMON CLUB. NIGHT. CRAIG AND LANA ARE HELPING JOSIE TO GET ACROSS THE ROAD SLOWLY.
LANA: Why do you wear those things? Their like skyscrapers for your feet!
JOSIE: Their beautiful.
CRAIG: It's the quickest way to the bloody A & E!
JOSIE: At least my feet will look beautiful while I'm there. Bruises surrounded by sequin stilettos.
CRAIG: It's so sweet of you guys to decide to bring me here in homage to Cinnamon.
LANA: Well we all know what's it's like to lose a pet.
JOSIE: When my hamster died, I was so upset I didn't buy stilettos for a whole week. Hard times.
LANA: Aw pet.
JOSIE: Yeah, I know poor Twix. Choked on a seed.
They make it to the other side of the road.
CRAIG: Let's have a great night girls.
JOSIE: Yeah. Let's meet the men of our dreams.
CRAIG: I said let's have a great night, not a bad one honey!
The three of them laugh. Craig and Lana help Josie into the club.
INT. CINNAMON CLUB. NIGHT. GLEN, BEN AND NOLAN ARE STILL STANDING IN THE CORNER OF THE BAR. SUDDENLY, GLEN'S EYES LIGHT UP.
GLEN: Wow.
BEN: What?
GLEN: Look at the gorgeous woman who has just walked in.
BEN: Which one? I'd sleep with both of them.
NOLAN: I'd sleep with their mate. In a heartbeat.
GLEN: The one in the middle. The one that's struggling to walk.
BEN: Ridiculous that is. Wearing them things!
GLEN: I think it's cool. She's made an effort.
NOLAN: It is ridiculous. Your thinking with what's in your pants.
GLEN: Nolan ...
NOLAN: I ain't slagging you. How could I? I'd be a hypocrate.
Ben sighs.
BEN: He means hypocrite.
NOLAN: Yeah. That's the one. So should we make our move?
GLEN: A girl like that is out of my league.
NOLAN: I feel a Dirty Dancing number coming on!
Nolan and Ben begin to sing "She's Out of My League" by Patrick Swayze from Dirty Dancing badly. Glen laughs.
GLEN: Oh give it a rest guys!
NOLAN: Well I've never been one to wait around. I go after what I want. See you two in a bit.
GLEN: Good luck dude.
NOLAN: Thanks.
Nolan walks over to Craig, Josie and Lana who are waiting to order their drinks at the bar.
LANA: What is it again Craig? A gin and tonic?
NOLAN: Allow me to get that. And whatever you girls are getting too. I'm ...
CRAIG: Nolan Douglas?
Nolan smiles.
NOLAN: You a football fan?
CRAIG: Since I was a kid. Me and Lana used to go to matches when we were teenagers. Didn't we Lana?
LANA: Yeah. On the train. Those were big adventures for us at the time.
JOSIE: Now the big adventure for the three of us is Blackpool pier.
NOLAN: Did you ever see me play?
CRAIG: (SEDUCTIVELY) No but I'd like to.
NOLAN: That could be arranged.
Ben comes over. He winks at Lana.
BEN: Hey. I'm Ben. Ben Mitchell.
LANA: Shaken, not stirred.
Ben smiles.
BEN: Oh yes, it was a bit Bondesque. So little lady, are you been satisfied?
Craig laughs out. Lana struggles to hold in a laugh but just manages to. Ben blushes.
BEN: I mean with a drink.
LANA: Yes, your kind has agreed to get a round in.
BEN: Then I shall get the next one in.
Lana smiles. Ben melts under her smile.
LANA: That would be lovely. Thank you.
BEN: Now where the bloody hell is he?
CRAIG: Where is who?
BEN: Glen.
CRAIG: Richmond?
BEN: The very one.
He looks over at Ben who is still in the corner of the bar.
BEN: He's a little shy. I'll go over and pull him over.
Ben walks back over to Glen.
BEN: What are you doing man? She's over there. Your future wife.
GLEN: Oh don't be ridiculous. I haven't even spoken to her.
BEN: She's Brazilian like Simone.
GLEN: Simone was Mexican.
BEN: Oh. Well Brazil is a better football nation than Mexico so that's got to be a good omen. We're talking Pele's nation here man.
GLEN: She is so beautiful. She wouldn't even look at me ...
BEN: Dude your a top footballer. Your worth millions. The second part might work in your favour the most. People like their comforts, don't they?
GLEN: Oh I don't know.
BEN: Come on mate. She probably already adores you. Girls like a shy guy.
GLEN: OK. I'll go over. Oh god.
BEN: Good man. Now come on.
They walk over to the other four.
BEN: This is my friend Glen.
JOSIE: Hello Mr. Richmond. Glad to make your acquaintance.
Josie holds out her hand for Glen to shake. He takes her hand in his and kisses it gently.
GLEN: Pleasure Miss ...
JOSIE: Santos. Josie Santos.
GLEN: In which case pleasure Miss. Santos.
JOSIE: Old fashioned manners, how very wonderful.
They smile to each other.
INT. JOSIE'S, LANA'S AND CRAIG'S FLAT. MORNING. CRAIG, JOSIE AND LANA ARE LYING ASLEEP ON THE TOP OF THE ONE BED. CRAIG IS SNORING.
INT. FOOTBALL PITCH. MORNING. GLEN, BEN AND NOLAN ARE JOGGING WITH THEIR TEAMMATES. THE COACH IS STANDING AT THE SIDELINES.
BEN: My head feels like a bloody twister.
GLEN: Vodka has that effect.
NOLAN: I can't believe he blew me off.
GLEN: Dude, he didn't blow you off. He simply didn't sleep with you the first night he met you!
NOLAN: It was so unfair because he indicated that he did want to.
Glen laughs.
GLEN: That's the right way with you.
NOLAN: Oh Glen, shut the hell up. He was wearing skinny jeans!
BEN: She was wearing leather trousers but you don't hear me going on about it!
NOLAN: She didn't put you under the wrong impression though.
BEN: I still wanted to sleep with her though.
GLEN: So your not going to call him then?
NOLAN: What? Of course I'm going to call him!
INT. JOSIE'S, LANA'S AND CRAIG'S FLAT. DAY. CRAIG, JOSIE AND LANA ARE STILL LYING ON THE BED. CRAIG WAKES UP AND WIPES SLEEP FROM HIS EYES. HE LOOKS OVER AT THE CLOCK.
CRAIG: Girls, it's 3pm!
No one wakes up.
CRAIG: Yeah, your right. We'll have another sleep.
He goes back to sleep.
INT. CAFE. DAY. GLEN IS SITTING WITH HIS FATHER BRENDAN WHO IS THE COACH OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM AT THE WINDOW.
BRENDAN: So son, who is this girl you've met?
Glen is suddenly excited.
GLEN: Her name is Josie. She's from Brazil.
Brendan smiles.
BRENDAN: You like the South American women.
GLEN: Oh definitely. But she's prettier than Simone was. We'll see how it goes but right now, I feel really lucky.
BRENDAN: Why wouldn't you boy? Why wouldn't you?
GLEN: Why wouldn't I indeed.
INT. JOSIE'S, LANA'S AND CRAIG'S FLAT. DAY. CRAIG, JOSIE AND LANA ARE FINALLY UP OUT OF BED. LANA IS SITTING WITH HER HEAD IN HER HANDS AT THE TABLE WHILE CRAIG LIES ON THE SOFA WITH HIS EYES CLOSED. JOSIE IS FRYING EGGS ON THE PAN.
LANA: Oh the sound of that pan is like a tornado.
JOSIE: It's half four in the afternoon Lana! It's about time the pan was frying.
LANA: Oh my head.
JOSIE: I can't believe I slept until a quarter past four. It's simply disgraceful. I mean what would Glen think of me? Aren't you both worried what your boyfriends will think?
LANA: He doesn't know.
CRAIG: He's not my boyfriend. I only met him last night.
There is a knock at the door.
LANA: I'll just get the door.
Lana struggles to her feet and struggles to the door. Josie giggles at her struggling.
LANA: Oh shut-up Josie.
Lana finally manages to get to the door and she answers it. It is Nolan.
NOLAN: Is he here?
LANA: Yeah. He's here.
She lets him in and falls to the ground with sleep as she shuts the door. Nolan ignores her and walks over to Craig who is still lying on the sofa but he now has his eyes awake.
CRAIG: He has a name dear boy.
NOLAN: Still sleeping?!
CRAIG: Yeah and what of it?
NOLAN: Don't you work?
CRAIG: I've just moved here.
NOLAN: Even so. Your been lazy man.
Craig sits up.
CRAIG: Happy now?
NOLAN: Craig, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ...
CRAIG: Told me how to live in my own home?! Tried to sleep with me on the first night?! Take your pick. And I know you how long?
NOLAN: OK. Your right. I'm sorry. Look can we start again?
CRAIG: I suppose so.
NOLAN: Good. Do you want to maybe go for an all-day breakfast? They serve them at Wilford's Cafe around the corner.
CRAIG: (SMILES) Sounds like my kind of place.
NOLAN: I guess I can get used to all-day breakfasts if we're dating.
CRAIG: Oh we're not dating.
NOLAN: What?
CRAIG: Well we only met last night ...
NOLAN: But we could be dating starting from then.
CRAIG: I'll give you a trial.
NOLAN: What?! A trial is something you get when your trying to be part of a football team! Not when your attracted to someone!
CRAIG: Oh OK then.
NOLAN: Oh OK then?!
Craig smiles.
CRAIG: Yeah. Oh OK then.
NOLAN: I don't have to put up with this.
Nolan storms out.
JOSIE: Oh smooth. Really smooth Craig.
CRAIG: Oh he'll be back before the day's out! They always are when you wear the skinny jeans!
Craig smiles and goes back to sleep.
INT. SUPERMARKET. DAY. GLEN, BEN AND NOLAN ARE WALKING AROUND GETTING THEIR GROCERIES.
NOLAN: If he blows me off one more time I'll go mad.
GLEN: Wrong tense for that mate. Your already going mad.
NOLAN: A trial?! A bloody trial?! What am I?! A bloody hamster getting tests done?!
BEN: He's certainly got you going around in a wheel!
GLEN: There's probably a deeper reason for his reluctance to you. Give it time and that will come out.
NOLAN: Deeper reason?! He's having a great laugh at my expense. But he is bloody hot. Out of this world hot and his ways are also out of this world. Alien-like to me in fact. How's your senorita?
GLEN: That's Spain.
NOLAN: Oh. Sorry. After a good few lagers I thought she was Spanish. She could have been from Cornwall for all I knew last night.
GLEN: It's alright. I haven't called her yet.
NOLAN: Why not?
GLEN: Because she said she'd call me.
BEN: And she hasn't yet?
GLEN: Has Lana called you?
BEN: I'm waiting for her to.
NOLAN: She said she'd call you first too?
BEN: No. But I'm letting her make the first move.
NOLAN: Maybe that's where I'm going wrong. I need to play a bit more hard to get.
GLEN: You couldn't play hard to get dude if your life depended on it.
NOLAN: I'll show him!
BEN: I'm sure you will!
Nolan gives Ben a dirty look.
NOLAN: Not that!
GLEN: No. Because he won't let you!
NOLAN: Oh lads shut the hell up! It's hard.
GLEN: I bet it is!
NOLAN: Whatever Glen. Whatever.
Glen and Ben giggle to each other. Nolan rolls his eyes.
INT. JOSIE'S, LANA'S AND CRAIG'S FLAT. NIGHT. JOSIE IS SITTING ON THE SOFA HOLDING HER MOBILE PHONE. SHE LOOKS ANXIOUS. LANA SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER.
LANA: You OK pet?
JOSIE: No.
LANA: Why? What's up?
JOSIE: It's him. Glen. I haven't called him yet.
LANA: Because he doesn't know?
JOSIE: Yes. I mean I don't know how he'll react. And if I get in too deep, what will I do then? He thinks I was born female. He might end up hating me. I think maybe I should just not ring him. Cut him loose. That's why Craig really annoys me. Nolan likes him and he has no secrets that could destroy things for him but it's all just fun to him.
LANA: It's a bit more complicated than that.
JOSIE: Oh my. Craig was born female?!
Lana laughs.
LANA: No. No, Craig was born male. He has trust issues. His first and only boyfriend Greg cheated on him over and over again. Tore Craig apart because he loved him. Many nights of tears and he sees every bloke that's into him as been like Greg.
JOSIE: Oh poor Craig.
LANA: Yeah. That's why he puts up this tough front. He's the most softest guy you could ever meet.
JOSIE: Should I call him Lana?
LANA: Honey, I don't know. I don't want to tell you the wrong thing. But I don't think you should call him. I don't want to see you get hurt honey.
JOSIE: It's horrible sweetie.
LANA: I know. You deserve to be happy.
Lana puts her arm around Josie gently.
JOSIE: I should call him. Take the consequences. Maybe he'll hate me, maybe he'll murder me and put my body in a dumpster ...
LANA: Oh pet, don't say that.
JOSIE: It is true. If he found out he might.
LANA: Josie stop it.
Josie smiles.
JOSIE: Aw you care about me.
LANA: Of course I do. You and Craig are my best friends.
JOSIE: Or he might just fall in love with me and we can marry in a ceremony based on Will and Kate's wedding. And you could be my Maid of Honour.
Lana smiles softly. She looks like she is going to cry. Josie puts her arm around her.
JOSIE: Oh sweetie, are you sad?
LANA: No. Oh God no. I'm just so honoured that you'd want me to be your Maid of Honour.
Josie hugs Lana.
JOSIE: Oh sweetie, who else would I get to be my Maid of Honour?! Your my best friend. That's if you'd say yes to been.
LANA: Of course I'd say yes.
Josie smiles.
JOSIE: Good. I'm glad.
Josie looks at the mobile phone again.
JOSIE: I'm going to call him.
LANA: Don't. Or do but don't continue seeing him.
JOSIE: Why?
LANA: I don't want to tell you not to but ...
JOSIE: Your right. He'd end up hating me. I'll just call him and end it.
Lana holds Josie's hand as she makes the phone call. She presses the call button and holds the mobile phone up to her ear.
INT. GLEN'S AND NOLAN'S APPARTMENT. NIGHT. GLEN'S MOBILE PHONE IS LYING ON THE SOFA RINGING. HE RUSHES TO ANSWER IT FALLING OVER AND TWISTING HIS ANKLE AS HE FELL OVER THE SOFA. HE IGNORES HIS PAIN AND ANSWERS THE CALL QUICKLY.
GLEN: (INTO THE PHONE) Hi Josie ... I don't understand ... I thought we got on great last night. Honey, what is this? Don't hang up ... I'm sorry if I've did something wrong. Josie please. I like you ... I can change your mind, give me a chance. Please honey ...
He throws the mobile phone at the wall breaking it. He then feels his ankle in pain.
INT. JOSIE'S, LANA'S AND CRAIG'S FLAT. NIGHT. JOSIE AND LANA ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA. JOSIE BEGINS TO CRY. LANA TAKES HER INTO A HUG.#
JOSIE: It was horrible. He was begging me to reconsider.
LANA: Oh sweetheart he'll be alright. I am so sorry. You'll meet someone someday who'll want you exactly for who you are. And he'll be a really lucky man.
JOSIE: Thank you Lana. Thank you.
LANA: Cry it all out girl. It's going to be alright. Everything will be alright.
JOSIE: I hope so. I really do.
INT. CHIPPER. NIGHT. CRAIG IS WAITING FOR THE TAKEAWAYS FOR HIMSELF, JOSIE AND LANA. NOLAN COMES IN.
CRAIG: On your way over to ours?
NOLAN: You'd love that, wouldn't you?
CRAIG: Just in the area yet again then?
Craig smiles and Nolan smiles back.
NOLAN: Your infuriating. Has anyone ever told you that?
CRAIG: Thank you. I take that as a compliment.
CHIP SHOP WORKER: This is a chipper, not bloody speed-dating. Are you going to order?
NOLAN: Oh yes. Sorry. Cod and chips please.
CRAIG: Like my dad.
Nolan smiles.
NOLAN: Really?
CRAIG: Yeah.
NOLAN: Your dad's got good taste in food.
CRAIG: He does.
NOLAN: Whatever he's ordered, I'll get them too.
CRAIG: Oh no, I couldn't possibly let you do that. There's takeaways for me, Lana and Josie.
NOLAN: It's alright.
CRAIG: Are you sure?
NOLAN: Yeah. I mean your unemployed, I'm a footballer ...
CRAIG: Oh right. Your alright, I have it covered ...
Nolan knows he has put his foot in it.
NOLAN: Craig I didn't mean that the way it came out. I am so sorry. I know you are your own man. I was just trying to help. I meant no offence.
CRAIG: And I mean no offence when I say I have it covered.
NOLAN: OK. Craig I really didn't mean to offend you. I like you a lot. I ...
CRAIG: Nolan, forget it. Alright?
NOLAN: But Craig, I didn't set out to hurt you there. I just ...
CRAIG: OK.
NOLAN: I won't do it again.
CRAIG: OK. Good.
NOLAN: Your beautiful. You know that don't you?
CRAIG: I am not sleeping with you tonight either.
NOLAN: No sweetie, that wasn't me trying to get into your pants. I actually meant it.
Craig smiles and rolls his eyes.
CRAIG: Really?
NOLAN: Yeah. Completely.
CRAIG: Well thank you then. So are you. Beautiful I mean.
NOLAN: Beautiful? Maybe you could think of something a bit more harder to call me. Like rugged maybe?
Craig smiles.
CRAIG: But you called me beautiful! What are you saying?!
NOLAN: Craig, I'm a footballer ...
CRAIG: We've well established that one by now!
NOLAN: Beautiful just doesn't go with been a footballer. Well maybe Glen because his face is soft because he uses all these creams and toners. Not that I fancy Glen. God no. Your face has to be soft to be beautiful and mine isn't.
CRAIG: You don't use creams and all that stuff?
NOLAN: God no. I love David Beckham, amazing player he was but I ain't a metrosexual guy.
CRAIG: No, your just a very sexual guy.
Nolan laughs giddily.
NOLAN: That I would have to go along with.
CRAIG: Do you think I use creams?
NOLAN: Yeah.
CRAIG: Nivea for Men. It's your only man.
Nolan smiles.
INT. GLEN'S AND NOLAN'S FLAT. NIGHT. GLEN IS CRYING ON THE SOFA WHEN NOLAN COMES IN.
NOLAN: I seen him from outside in the chipper so I headed in ...
Nolan nows notices that Glen is crying. He rushes over to him and sits beside him. He is unsure whether to put his hand on his back or not. He chooses not to.
NOLAN: Dude, what's happened?
GLEN: The bitch doesn't want to know me.
NOLAN: Josie?
GLEN: Of course Josie! We don't all meet a new person every night!
There is silence.
GLEN: I'm sorry man.
NOLAN: No, your alright. It's true.
GLEN: Still man, I shouldn't have said what I said. It was out of order.
NOLAN: It's alright Glen. Look if she can't see what a fantastic guy you are then that chick ain't worth your time.
GLEN: It's just so ironic.
NOLAN: You like Alanis Morissette too?
Glen laughs.
GLEN: Yes but it is ironic. I could have any girl I wanted ...
NOLAN: Your modesty never ceases to amaze me.
Glen smiles.
GLEN: But I could and yet the only girl I want I can't have.
NOLAN: It's like when I was younger my mum said I could have any dog from the litter apart from the female dog because mum didn't want all these puppies running around if she ever got preggers so I had to pick this male dog even though I had an affinity with the female one because she was so energetic like myself.
GLEN: It's not really the same thing Nolan.
NOLAN: Guess not but still. I sort of get what you mean.
INT. JOSIE'S, LANA'S AND CRAIG'S FLAT. NIGHT. JOSIE IS LYING IN BED CRYING. LANA AND CRAIG ARE LYING ON TOP OF HER BED EITHER SIDE OF HER CUDDLING HER.
CRAIG: It'll get better Josie honey. In the end it always does.
INT. FOOTBALL CHANGING-ROOM. DAY. GLEN, BEN AND NOLAN ARE GETTING CHANGED.
BEN: Lana never called.
NOLAN: And you didn't call her either?
BEN: No. I'm a stud. She needs to call me if she wants a piece of the action.
NOLAN: She might have made a right choice then!
BEN: Says the puppy who runs after a guy. You are the faithful puppy in River Deep, Mountain High!
NOLAN: Oh shut-up Ben! He's hot OK?!
BEN: It's the Scottish accent isn't it? Gets you every time Nolan. What was that other Scottish lad's name?
NOLAN: Mark.
BEN: Yeah. Whatever became of him?
NOLAN: He became a mormon.
GLEN: Did he?!
NOLAN: Yeah I didn't say at the time because ...
BEN: We'd rib you to no end!
NOLAN: Yeah but it was very emotional. He didn't know how to tell me. But I respected his decision and we're still friends.
BEN: A bloody mormon?! You do attract them Nolan boy!
NOLAN: Give over Ben!
GLEN: Did he never give you any indication he was a mormon?
NOLAN: He wasn't sure if he was a mormon himself at the time. Give him credit. It's a big step to take. Actually going through with becoming a mormon.
BEN: Maybe he became a mormon because he was dating you.
NOLAN: Oh very funny Ben!
GLEN: After the match I'm going over there.
BEN: Where? To where Mark's a mormon?!
GLEN: No. To see Josie. No one makes a mug of Glen Rice!
BEN: You walking over there grovelling is only going to prove you can be made a mug of! Don't do a Nolan Hennessy here!
NOLAN: I did not grovel!
GLEN: I'm not going to grovel. I going to have it out with the stuck-up bitch.
BEN: In which case you go man. A strong man. Take note Nolan.
Nolan smiles.
NOLAN: Has she called you?
BEN: Who?
NOLAN: Lana.
BEN: I have one in every port. How could I remember who you meant?
Nolan laughs.
BEN: What? What are you laughing at?
NOLAN: Oh nothing.
BEN: No, what?
NOLAN: One in every port my hat! One in every port running away from you maybe.
Ben laughs.
BEN: OK dude. Whatever you want to believe. But at least I've got more on the go than a mormon and a dude whose weapon is playing hard to get.
NOLAN: I wish I liked the chase. I don't. I like him a lot though.
BEN: You'll wear him down dude. That's your strategy with men after all.
NOLAN: Oh Benny boy your on fire today!
Ben smiles.
BEN: I most certainly am.
INT. CAFE. DAY. JOSIE IS STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER. SHE IS AT WORK AND SHE LOOKS GLOOMY. CRAIG COMES IN. HE STANDS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTER AND WAVES HIS HAND IN FRONT OF HER.
CRAIG: (SOFTLY) To earth Miss. Bowles.
Josie smiles slightly.
JOSIE: Hey Craig.
CRAIG: Hey honey. You OK?
She sighs sadly.
CRAIG: Sorry honey. Stupid question.
JOSIE: No, your alright honey.
CRAIG: I have no idea how much hell you must be going through. I mean I don't have to go through it. A guy meets me, he likes me, I like him ... You have so much to think of honey.
JOSIE: It's OK. We all have our struggles one way or another.
He hugs her.
CRAIG: I'll let you get back to work babe.
JOSIE: Yeah. Thanks Craig.
He smiles softly to her and she smiles back. He leaves. A tear trickles down her cheek.
INT. JOSIE'S, LANA'S AND LANA'S FLAT. NIGHT. CRAIG IS SITTING ON THE SOFA WITH LANA. SHE IS TYPING HER ASSIGNMENT FOR COLLEGE ON HER LAPTOP.
CRAIG: Future fashion journalist Miss. Lana Murphy all the way from Ireland.
LANA: I hope.
CRAIG: The assignment going well?
LANA: Well for me.
CRAIG: That's amazing so.
LANA: Oh Craig you old charmer.
CRAIG: It's true. I loved those imaginary articles you wrote in your teens about Marc Jacobs. The effort you'd put into creating the scene you were interviewing him in ...
LANA: I've burned them! Don't you dare tell anyone about those!
Craig laughs.
CRAIG: I managed to save them from the flames!
Lana laughs. Josie comes in.
LANA: You OK girl?
Josie slumps beside them on the sofa.
JOSIE: Yeah.
CRAIG: (SOFTLY) You sure?
JOSIE: Yeah. I think this pain will pass. I did the right thing. This pain will pass.
There is banging at the door.
GLEN: Josie I seen you come in! I'm after hopping up two flights of stairs! You open this goddamn door you bitch!
Josie starts to cry. Craig gets up quickly.
CRAIG: Oh I'll have it out with this guy! He's not going to speak to you like that!
Josie takes Craig's hand gently.
JOSIE: Go easy on him.
CRAIG: What?! Josie, he's been a phat!
GLEN: Come on out here! Your a big one on the phone but you can't say it to my face!
CRAIG: OK, I'll go easy on him.
LANA: That means not to punch him Craig!
CRAIG: Really? I thought it meant when you karate chop them.
JOSIE: Oh for heaven's sake Craig stay away from the door!
CRAIG: Sorry, I've got a lot of anger in me. My therapist is always violence is not the way to deal with my issues.
JOSIE: Your therapist is wise.
CRAIG: Oh I don't know about that. He owns Barry Manilow records. It's always an indication. Greg listened to Barry Manilow. Besides I'm not even sure he's qualified but it gets me out for the day.
GLEN: Come on, open up! I can't stand on my friggin' sore leg anymore!
Josie gets up to go to the door.
JOSIE: Oh the poor pet. He has a sore leg.
Craig takes hold of her arm gently.
CRAIG: Sit down Josie. I'm the bloke here. I'll handle this.
JOSIE: Craig, it's the 21st century ...
CRAIG: I don't mean it like that Josie. Look, just let me take care of it. He could knock you out. I can take him.
JOSIE: OK. But be careful. He told me he lifts weights.
Craig is taken aback.
CRAIG: Weights?
JOSIE: You know like at the gym and stuff.
CRAIG: I know what they are Josie! I've seen them in catalogues.
GLEN: If someone doesn't open this door quickly I'm going to break it down!
Lana puts her laptop to one side.
LANA: If he breaks that door down he'll have a second bad leg!
JOSIE: Lana please. Guys remain calm.
CRAIG: How can we remain calm? Your love is going to use himself as a bulldozer through the door!
LANA: And Craig it's just been varnished by the landlord!
CRAIG: Oh that is a no-go area. You do not bulldoze a door that's just been varnished by the landlord and expect to get away with it!
JOSIE: Be rational. It's only a door.
CRAIG: Oh no Josie, that is not only a door! That is a nearly varnished door which was varnished for free!
GLEN: Right I'm coming in!
LANA: I'm ready for the leg!
JOSIE: Lana!
There is a slight bang at the door but it doesn't open.
GLEN: Ow, my friggin' shoulder!
CRAIG: Are you sure he didn't just see weights in catalogues too?
Josie rushes to the door.
CRAIG: Don't let him in! Are you mad Josie?!
JOSIE: But he's hurt.
CRAIG: He's ready to murder you! Josie go into the back. We'll calm him down and then we'll send him back to talk to you.
JOSIE: Thanks Craig but I must face him. This is my problem.
CRAIG: (MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH) It could become the furniture's problem in a minute.
Josie answers the door.
JOSIE: (WEAKLY) Hey Glen.
GLEN: Don't hey me you bitch!
JOSIE: (SOFTLY) You should come and sit down. You have a sore leg and a sore shoulder ...
GLEN: It's not as bad as my arching heart.
CRAIG: (WHISPERS TO LANA) He knows five bloody minutes!
LANA: (SMILING) Shhh.
JOSIE: Oh Glen ...
GLEN: I know you probably think it's silly because I only met you last night but I fall quickly.
CRAIG: (WHISPERS TO LANA) You do indeed.
LANA: (SMILING) Craig be quiet.
JOSIE: So do I Glen. But ...
GLEN: But what Josie? We had an instant connection didn't we? Didn't you feel it too?
JOSIE: I did but ...
GLEN: But what then?
JOSIE: I can't do this. Your this big footballer, I just work in a cafe.
GLEN: But Josie, I'm just a boy standing in front of a girl asking her to love him.
CRAIG: (WHISPERS TO LANA) Did he just sort of qoute Notting Hill?!
LANA: (WHISPERS BACK) Yeah.
JOSIE: Glen, I can't. There is so much you don't know about me.
GLEN: But that's just it. I want to get to know more about you.
JOSIE: Oh I don't think you do.
GLEN: Honey, I have secrets too. We've just got to find the right time to let these secrets out to each other. Come on, whatever it is, it can't be that bad. Be with me. I can take care of you. We can have so much fun together. Don't be afraid.
Tears are in Josie's eyes. She hugs him and he wraps his arms around her.
CRAIG: (WHISPERS TO LANA) This is going to end in tears.
LANA: (WHISPERS BACK) I know pet. I know.
INT. GLEN'S AND NOLAN'S FLAT. MORNING. A NAKED MAN LIES IN NOLAN'S BED. NOLAN IS LOOKING FOR HIS FOOTBALL BOOTS WHEN THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. HE ABANDONED HIS CURRENT MISSION AND ANSWERS THE DOOR. IT IS CRAIG. HE IS SURPRISED TO SEE HIM.
NOLAN: Craig?! Your up early.
CRAIG: Decided I just might get up early today. How are you babe?
He kisses Nolan gently on the lips before holding up a paper bag.
CRAIG: Got muffins on the way. I should be on my diet but the chocolate one said eat me with the sad pleading eyes at the shop and I just couldn't leave him. Should we enjoy these together?
NOLAN: Um Craig ...
CRAIG: Are you not going to let me in?
NOLAN: Um ...
CRAIG: Oh I am so sorry. Are you allowed muffins on your footballer's diet? I thought because you eat and drink everything else.
NOLAN: It's a nice summer's day. Let's enjoy them in the park.
Craig's face falls.
CRAIG: I am such an idiot.
NOLAN: What? Why?
CRAIG: You've got someone in there, haven't you?
NOLAN: What? No.
CRAIG: Get out of my way then Nolan!
NOLAN: I just think it'd be nice if we ate them in the park with the ducks.
CRAIG: Nolan, I'm serious. Get out of my way!
Nolan takes Craig's hand in his.
NOLAN: OK maybe I did meet my ex Adam in a bar last night but me and you, we ain't exclusive are we?
Tears come into Craig's eyes.
NOLAN: Oh God Craig sweetheart don't cry.
CRAIG: I wouldn't give you the satisfaction.
Craig bursts into tears.
NOLAN: Oh God man stop. Please. I ain't worth it.
Craig's tears get worse.
NOLAN: Um, Craig I don't know what to do.
CRAIG: You knew what to do last night!
NOLAN: Well of course I did. I've had sex before.
CRAIG: I didn't mean it that way! Look, go back to him!
NOLAN: But Craig I don't want to go back to him. I like you.
CRAIG: Oh really? Really good way of showing it.
NOLAN: Craig it's not a big deal. It's just a bit of fun.
CRAIG: He said that too! Fun for who exactly though?!
Craig bursts out crying again.
NOLAN: Oh God man, stop. The woman who lives across from us is coming.
A little old lady is walking to her flat with a newspaper folded under her arm. This is Miss. Elsie Keats.
ELSIE: Broke another young lad's heart I see.
Nolan grimaces.
NOLAN: Hi Elsie.
Elsie looks to Craig.
ELSIE: A cad is what we'd call him in my day son. Don't waste your tears.
NOLAN: Yes thank you Elsie.
ELSIE: Their all frogs son. That's why I never married.
CRAIG: I'm beginning to think your right Miss. ...
ELSIE: Keats. Like the poet but I never did like him much. Call me Elsie.
CRAIG: OK Elsie.
Nolan's ex Calvin comes to the door semi-naked. He puts his arm around Nolan. Nolan throws it off him.
CALVIN: Hey. You must be Craig.
Craig goes to swing for him and Elsie holds him back.
ELSIE: Nolan, for heaven's sake close the goddamn door!
Nolan quickly does.
ELSIE: Son control yourself.
CRAIG: Let me at him!
ELSIE: This is how I felt about Mike. Spent many years in anger management.
Craig calms down.
CRAIG: You felt the same?
ELSIE: Yes. Come on in for some tea son. By the end you won't waste your time on bad men.
They go into Elsie's flat.
INT. BEN'S FLAT. DAY. BEN IS HAVING SEX WITH AMBER.
AMBER: Oh Ben!
BEN: Oh Amber baby!
Ben's mobile phone rings. He answers the call while still having sex with Amber.
BEN: Oh hey Lana. You finally called ... Yes I know I took my time too but I was scared to make the first move too. I'm a sensitive guy, all that intimate stuff scares me ...
Amber pulls him to the floor and starts to bite into his neck.
BEN: The crash? Neighbour's cat next door. Big fat thing. Should be on a diet. Anyway babe, I'll see you at 7 so ... Yes I'm looking forward to it too. Kisses and hugs.
He ends the call.
BEN: Sorry about that beautiful where were we?
He rolls her over so that he is now on top of her.
INT. ELSIE'S FLAT. DAY. CRAIG AND ELSIE ARE SITTING DOWN TO HAVE TEA.
ELSIE: Blake, now there was a bad egg. Liked me to jump up and down on the trampoline naked for him which was all fine and dandy. It was when he wanted me to do shows for the neighbours that he'd charge them an admission fee for that I had to draw the line. Well after a few shows.
CRAIG: After a few shows?
ELSIE: It was fun until that perv Mr. Hensall started coming around and insisting I do the spread-eagle on the trampoline.
CRAIG: Really?
ELSIE: Oh yeah. He used to bring around his book of positions. Thinking of them now I'd probably pull a muscle and have to go and see Dr. D'arcy.
CRAIG: Like Mr. D' arcy.
ELSIE: Oh believe me he is no Colin Firth. I'm in my eighties and I still get those funny feelings about Mr. Firth. What about yourself?
Craig giggles shyly. Elsie smiles.
ELSIE: Oh come on, don't be coy. Let it all out.
CRAIG: I would with him. Did I just say that?
ELSIE: No, that's my boy. Why wouldn't you?
CRAIG: Have you ever really had your heart broken?
ELSIE: Once. James Jones. Welsh dancer. Boy he could move! Tight ballet pants ...
CRAIG: I remember watching the ballet at Christmas. Very nice. Sorry. Continue.
ELSIE: He spelt with my mother.
CRAIG: Really? The guy who broke my heart Greg slept with my mother too. That's why I moved to London when my friend Lana asked me to.
Elsie takes Craig's hand in hers gently.
ELSIE: I can't say the pain ever fully goes away but it does get easier.
He puts his hand on top of hers gently. Tears are in his eyes.
CRAIG: Thank you.
INT. JOSIE'S, LANA'S AND CRAIG'S FLAT. DAY. GLEN AND JOSIE ARE SITTING WATCHING TELEVISION.
JOSIE: It's fabulous the way that Doctor Who is able to save the world.
GLEN: He's one cool dude.
JOSIE: Come on, get that baddie!
Glen smiles and leans in to kiss her. They kiss and then he tries to put his hand up her dress. She slaps it away.
JOSIE: Come on, your recovering from shoulder and leg injuries.
GLEN: It's not them I'm feeling right now.
JOSIE: Oh Glen. Um, you've got to get better for your matches. What would your dad say?
GLEN: If it costs me a few matches so what? I don't care.
He tries to feel up her dress again. She jumps off the sofa.
JOSIE: But I do. I'm going to be a responsible girlfriend. You'll just have to wait until your better. We both will.
GLEN: But then can we?
Josie gulps.
JOSIE: Yeah. Then we can do, um stuff.
GLEN: Your probably right. My dad would kill me and I'm actually scared of him.
Josie giggles. He smiles.
GLEN: I love you Josie.
JOSIE: Love you too.
