Skit Comp 9 - 16.8.13

Thanks and congratulations to JAKOB JENSEN and GAPPY for winning. Please get pished as a farth and PM me with a subject a-piss for next wank. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Jakob Jensen, Gappy
1 - 5 - Michael Monkhouse, Stonked

Your new subject: CONTROVERSY.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 16.8.13

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Votes - Name
1 - 65!!! - Gappy
2 - 40 - Michael Monkhouse
3 - 35 - Jakob Jensen
4 - 25 - Otterfox
5 - 5 - Stonked, 404 Not Found, Steve Sunshine, Carlos Manwelly

A few weeks ago I bought a Giant Stuffed Elephant and stood it in my front room,

I thought it would be a great conversation piece.

But nobody's mentioned it!!!

TOO MUCH TOO OLD

POICE STATION.
POLICEMAN opposite CROOK:

POLICEMAN Now Mr Staines, you're here on a charge of sex with an over-sixteen.

CROOK I din' know she was a major, honest!

POLICEMAN That's what all the grown-up-fiddlers say.

CROOK Bitch said she was twelve, an' I believed her! Adults're all the same these days: look innocent, but they're sly big bastards! Even had her tits lowered and called herself Lolita.

POLICEMAN I'm afraid that argument holds less water than my grandfather's bladder. Apparently, you offered her sweets, she said she preferred vodka and lime. You said you knew her parents, she said she no longer had contact with - ahem - 'Mother' and 'Father'. You promised to take her to the Justin Bieber concert, she said, and I quote, 'That c**t.'

CROOK Look - it's me first offence.

POLICEMAN Yes, so we'll get you off with a warning.

CROOK I normally get off with a kid.

POLICEMAN That's better... But be careful. Do you want to be a great man - a politician, a film director, Jimmy Tarbuck? Do you desire be on the front cover of 'Time', 'Newsweek', 'Barely Legal'? Do you yearn to walk down the street and hear people cry, 'Look it's Nob Staines, he makes Jimmy Savile look like Maria Teresa di Calcutta'?

CROOK Sure! I wanna have an upstanding member, I mean be an...

POLICEMAN Every day in Stoke a man f**ks over-age girls, middle-aged women, milfs...

CROOK Lucky bastard... I mean, bastard!

POLICEMAN One buttwipe even confessed to regular missionary position with his wife and only the occasional pulling-off of his eight-year old son...

CROOK Eurgh!

POLICEMAN Exactly, 'eurgh'. Now bugger off, and no more sneaky sexual offences.

CROOK Right you are mate.

CROOK leaves, loosening his coat to reveal a white collar.

MI5 HEADQUARTERS -

M HAS REQUESTED A MEETING WITH 007.

M - "Ah sit down 007, I've been expecting you"

007 - "Cut to the shit M, what's the crack with my pay check this month, its less than half"

M - "Ah yes, well James we've had a few letters and what not, and it turns out you've caused quite a lot of damage around the world"

007 - "Well obviously having a licensce to kill, from time to time things are gonna get out of hand, but you have insurance and that for all this, so why am I paying it directly from my wages and who the hell do I personally owe money too?"

M - "It's The CSA, James"

007 - ".........any chance of some overtime?"

END.

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 11 2013, 12:23 AM BST

A few weeks ago I bought a Giant Stuffed Elephant and stood it in my front room,

I thought it would be a great conversation piece.

But nobody's mentioned it!!!

View original

Was it a white one then?

HITLER: Victory is at our fingertips, Himmler! Soon, soon the world shall bow to the principles of the glorious Third Reich. It is time to begin demonstrating these principles, in the strongest manner possible.

HIMMLER: Mein Fuhrer, Operation Rhineland is poised to begin! We shall start exterminating the Jewish untermensch immediately.

HITLER: Well, OK, Heinrich, we could do that too, but I am talking about the greater goal of Nazism: accurate grammar.

HIMMLER: Fuhrer?

HITLER: Grammar. We shall purge sloppy grammar from the face of the earth with all necessary force. And spelling, that's on the list too.

HIMMLER: Erm. This is coming as a bit of a surprise to me, if I'm honest. Bit controversial, maybe?

HITLER: Really? What would you have said was the cornerstone of Nazism?

HIMMLER: The strive for racial purity.

HITLER: Right. Sure. I mean, it's good - I'm all for it - but when people in the future talk about Nazis, I want them to think of a glorious master race who were ruthlessly correct when using the conditional tense. Ooh, ooh, and parking.

HIMMLER: Parking?

HITLER: I've decided that Nazis stand for the extremely rigorous application of urban parking restrictions - if future generations start connecting our name with anything else, it will be an insult to all those people who die in this war.

HIMMLER: And what about the eradication of the Jews?

HITLER: I reckon you're a bit obsessed with that, to be honest. Perhaps you could take a break from the Final Solution stuff, Himmo, I've got some more ideas I want to develop: I want to work on linking the management of weights and measures with Nazism.

HIMMLER: How do you mean?

HITLER: Oh, you know, the size of a pint, shape of a vegetable, that sort of thing. And I really want us to be synonymous with feminism. We could look at enforcing an egalitarian lexis - getting rid of "manhole cover", and what have you.

HIMMLER: Is feminism not at odds with some of our policies of exclusivity?

HITLER: Oh, I'm sure that's a paradox that will dissolve if you think about it long enough. Now, off you go and start a concentration camp for split infinitive degenerates. Chop chop: arbeit macht frei!

[HIMMLER exits, HITLER picks up phone and dials]

HITLER: Goebels? I've heard that in Russia they don't have strictly applied speed limits, divert half the troops to Moscow. [Pause] I don't care if it's cold! [Pause] No I'm not making the uniform warmer! Does a military dress code mean nothing to you, man? [Pause] Oh, we won't lose *millions* of troops, you do exaggerate.

Quote: gappy @ August 12 2013, 4:04 PM BST

HITLER: Victory is at our fingertips, Himmler! Soon, soon the world shall bow to the principles of the glorious Third Reich. It is time to begin demonstrating these principles, in the strongest manner possible.

HIMMLER: Mein Fuhrer, Operation Rhineland is poised to begin! We shall start exterminating the Jewish untermensch immediately.

HITLER: Well, OK, Heinrich, we could do that too, but I am talking about the greater goal of Nazism: accurate grammar.

HIMMLER: Fuhrer?

HITLER: Grammar. We shall purge sloppy grammar from the face of the earth with all necessary force. And spelling, that's on the list too.

HIMMLER: Erm. This is coming as a bit of a surprise to me, if I'm honest. Bit controversial, maybe?

HITLER: Really? What would you have said was the cornerstone of Nazism?

HIMMLER: The strive for racial purity.

HITLER: Right. Sure. I mean, it's good - I'm all for it - but when people in the future talk about Nazis, I want them to think of a glorious master race who were ruthlessly correct when using the conditional tense. Ooh, ooh, and parking.

HIMMLER: Parking?

HITLER: I've decided that Nazis stand for the extremely rigorous application of urban parking restrictions - if future generations start connecting our name with anything else, it will be an insult to all those people who die in this war.

HIMMLER: And what about the eradication of the Jews?

HITLER: I reckon you're a bit obsessed with that, to be honest. Perhaps you could take a break from the Final Solution stuff, Himmo, I've got some more ideas I want to develop: I want to work on linking the management of weights and measures with Nazism.

HIMMLER: How do you mean?

HITLER: Oh, you know, the size of a pint, shape of a vegetable, that sort of thing. And I really want us to be synonymous with feminism. We could look at enforcing an egalitarian lexis - getting rid of "manhole cover", and what have you.

HIMMLER: Is feminism not at odds with some of our policies of exclusivity?

HITLER: Oh, I'm sure that's a paradox that will dissolve if you think about it long enough. Now, off you go and start a concentration camp for split infinitive degenerates. Chop chop: arbeit macht frei!

[HIMMLER exits, HITLER picks up phone and dials]

HITLER: Goebels? I've heard that in Russia they don't have strictly applied speed limits, divert half the troops to Moscow. [Pause] I don't care if it's cold! [Pause] No I'm not making the uniform warmer! Does a military dress code mean nothing to you, man? [Pause] Oh, we won't lose *millions* of troops, you do exaggerate.

View original

Love this.

Two Russian police officers are patrolling the streets late night In Moscow. They see a Girly-man in very tight jeans walking down the street.

Police officer Igor: HEY YOU THERE! NO GAY BUSINESS IN THE STREETS.

Girly-man with a lisp and limp wrist: What did I do officer?

Police officer Pjotr: YOU GET THOOSE WRISTS UP RIGHT NOW MISTER.

Girly-man changes angle of wrist with 45 degrees.

Police officer Pjotr: FURTHER UP.

Girly-man pushes wrist further up.

Police officer Pjort: Good. Now go home and change your pants. We don't want to see you wearing tight jeans again otherwise you will be arrested. It's gay and public gay is illegal in Russia.

Girly-man: Can I wear my leather pants?

Police Officer Igor: If you can wear your leatherpants? Sure you can wear you leather pants. If Police officer Pjotr can play baseball with your nuts down at the police station for 3 hours then go right ahead.

Girly-man: That's police brutality.

Police officer Pjort: What did you say?

Police officer Igor: You are this close to get the stick!

Girly-man: Are you going to give me some stick?

Police officer Pjotr pulls out his gun and points it towards the Girly-man.

Police officer Pjotr: Did you just make a homosexual innuendo?

Girly-man: No no I didn't.

Police officer Pjotr: What did you mean by stick?

Girly-man: Your police stick the one you use to beat up people with.

Police officer Pjotr: Not our penises?

Girly-man: No. I'm nyet homo.

Police officer Igor: Ok run along. And don't come across us again otherwise we will beat you to pieces. If you are lucky.

Girly-man: Thank you officers.

The police officers is walking away.

Girly-man shouts: Have a gay day!

Police officers: GET HIM.

INT. GENTLEMEN'S CLUB

TWO OLD BOYS ARE READING NEWSPAPERS AND HAVING A DRINK

OLD BOY1
Hah. I see old Paxo's causing quite a stir with his beard.

OLD BOY2
Pathetic, isn't it. Lot of fuss over nothing.

OLD BOY1
Precisely. It's not as if he's stripped naked on a nudist beach and showed off his cock ring.

OLD BOY2
My god. Has Paxo got a cock ring?

OLD BOY1
No idea, old boy. Just musing.

OLD BOY2
Well don't. It's a sorry state of affairs when a chap can't grow a beard without people musing about what he might be disportng in the privacy of his underpants.

OLD BOY1
Well, he's only got himself to blame. He set the ball rolling, so to speak.

OLD BOY2
Did he really?

OLD BOY1
Indeed. Back in 2008 he wrote to Marks and Spencer complaining that their underpants no longer provided adequate support. What was that all about?

OLD BOY2
Oh dear. That was poor form. Chap's brought it on himself, fair and square.

OLD BOY1
Absolutely.

END

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 11 2013, 12:23 AM BST

A few weeks ago I bought a Giant Stuffed Elephant and stood it in my front room,

I thought it would be a great conversation piece.

But nobody's mentioned it!!!

View original

OK, reworded slightly:

A few weeks ago I bought a Giant Stuffed White Elephant and stood it in my front room,

I thought it would be a great conversation piece

But nobody's mentioned it!!!

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 14 2013, 11:59 PM BST

OK, reworded slightly:

A few weeks ago I bought a Giant Stuffed White Elephant and stood it in my front room,

I thought it would be a great conversation piece

But nobody's mentioned it!!!

View original

Try writing your own stuff, this is a joke from Sickipedia from four weeks ago :

http://www.sickipedia.org/joke/view/other/wordplay-1489081

Poor form indeed.

Sorry I don't read "sickipedia" so I didn't know it had been posted on there!, I've been telling this joke in my stand up routine for about 2 years (have it on video from 2011) so for all I know the person on Sickipedia may have heard it from someone who heard it from someone who heard it from someone who heard it from me!

anyway isn't all humour just the reworking and personalizing of humour that has been used before? there's nothing wrong in using other peoples humour if you can make it your own! as Denis Leary would say!

And for the record, I just followed the link to that sickapedia joke,

it goes:

"
Recently, my wife and I got a stuffed elephant for our living room.

"It'll be great!" I said. "It'll be a huge talking point at our dinner party this weekend."

But nobody mentioned it."

Ok same Idea, but hardly the same joke!

Maybe your just bitter because my posting was funny and yours isn't.

As a non partisan bystander it is the same joke. Not sure where the controversy is unless this is it?

I think having a stuffed elephant in one's parlour is considered controversial in most circles nowadays.

It's the same joke. But that doesn't mean you stole it.

Hi Marc,

Well He said it had been posted on some crappy website call sickapedia a few weeks ago and that makes my joke not original but I've been using this joke for over two years, and I don't see whats wrong with posting it on here just because someone else posted something that is essentially the same, but not my joke! as in we haven't copied each other!
as I say I think he's just upset because my joke is funny and his is not.