Godot your an apex c**t, a polar bear crossed with a tiger
With piles
Tigerfeet, setup Page 2
Quote: Godot Taxis @ August 10 2013, 6:29 PM BSTDon't waste any time looking at their stuff and running it down
Although if you want to tell me why you don't like my script, I am all ears. It's all useful stuff.
Quote: Godot Taxis @ August 10 2013, 6:29 PM BSTThe first thing that grated with me is the Americanisms: 'hives', 'ballpark', 'bellhop'. Unless your script is set in America these actually undermine characterisation as well as irritate.
I'm in the school of thought that believes you shouldn't provide too many directions. Is it really necessary to state that the setting is an Edwardian town house? Until the water pistol comes in I thought it was a period piece.
Also is it really necessary to state that he has 'the remains of a Yorkshire accent' (whatever that is)? This might help you visualise the character but is no help to a reader and nothing about accent should be mentioned until a character speaks.
The 'nuclear wedgie', head down the toilet stuff is funny and the saving up for a pony story line is good. I agree with Sooty that you need to put more work in on the characters.
Everyone on this forum is a c**t - including me. Don't waste any time looking at their stuff and running it down - put all your energy into improving your own script.
Thank you very much. Nettle rash is better than hives. The fact that he's a working-class background is important though. Where should I bring in his Yorkshire background then? Because brackets are for emotions, not directions.I agree I didn't word that well though.
Thanks for your input. Now that is constructive input. P.S. I said bellhop because during the movie they were watching that's what he was refered as.
Quote: paul ivey @ August 10 2013, 6:41 PM BSTT The fact that he's a working-class background is important though. Where should I bring in his Yorkshire background then?
Since when did Yorkshire equal working class? It may be important, but I did not pick up on any trace of working class roots in this character.
Quote: paul ivey @ August 10 2013, 6:41 PM BSTThanks for your input. Now that is constructive input.
I have only provided you with constructive input.
Quote: paul ivey @ August 10 2013, 5:23 PM BSTI'm not looking for gags in it either, just quirky dialogue.
But gags are exactly what commissioners will be looking for. Quirky dialogue will work with the right characters otherwise it'll be jarring and false e.g. a 10-year-old saying "ballpark" and a 12-year-old saying "My learned friend...".
Requiem in D minor isn't a sad piece of music, it's beautiful and uplifting in places. This is meant to be a comedy so do what comedies do and exaggerate - stick on a funeral march!
How do cats bend over? (cue punchline.)
Quote: paul ivey @ August 10 2013, 5:12 PM BSTIt didn't grab me and I've studied a lot of comedy.
So there.
I'm blown away by this comment, it doesn't make sense, to quantify why you don't like something with the fact you have 'studied' comedy. Perhaps as I have never read up on writing myself and only started after joining this site.
What I have found useful though are the blogs (some by members on here) and this very site (hail the BCG), but really just getting on with it is the best way, I know for me of I were to read a book on how to construct a joke I'd have a mental freeze-up...but if that's how some people kick start themselves then great, I just can't relate to it.
Well he didn't like classical music. He likes 70s dross. And I'm sorry but most people consider the North of England as working class.
They do.
Owen will have great lines like this though:
OWEN
Don't talk to me about hard graft, lad. My father spent his whole life down the pit!
Cmon now you're trolling aren't you?
Quote: paul ivey @ August 10 2013, 6:53 PM BSTI'm sorry but most people consider the North of England as working class.
They do.
No they don't. They really don't.
They do though don't they do
Quote: Jennie @ August 10 2013, 6:47 PM BSTSince when did Yorkshire equal working class? It may be important, but I did not pick up on any trace of working class roots in this character.
I have only provided you with constructive input.
Lol Jennie. You sent me a "how-to" book. I've looked at Paul Milham's stuff and find him vaguely amusing. He wrote "Theo". I think he's got a proper job now.
Eh?
Quote: Shandonbelle @ August 10 2013, 6:59 PM BSTEh?
'that was to Sootyj'...bother my snail typing.
Not the old working class, North of England timebomb...
Quote: Shandonbelle @ August 10 2013, 7:00 PM BSTEh?
'that was to Sootyj'...bother my snail typing.
Twas a quote from one of harry Enfield's scousers
I know! that's why I finished it with 'eh'..lost in translation as is the won't on 'tweb.