Tigerfeet, setup

I thought I'd give this so people can see most of the opening from my pilot.

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"TIGERFEET"

'The cat crept in'

ESTABLISHING SHOT. A TYPICAL TOWNHOUSE ON A BUSY STREET.

CUT TO:

CLOSE-UP OF BRASS PLAQUE OUTSIDE FRONT DOOR. IT SAYS "READING CHILDRENS' HOME".

INT. KITCHEN.
MAYA FOTHERSGILL, AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN IN HER EARLY FORTIES, IS LOADING FOOD ITEMS ONTO A TROLLEY. SHE'S HAPPILY HUMMING AWAY TO MOZART'S "REQUIEM" IN D MINOR.

ENTER OWEN FOTHERSGILL. HE'S A GREY-HAIRED MAN IN HIS EARLY FIFTIES. ONCE FROM YORKSHIRE, BUT HIS ACCENT HAS SOFTENED, IN HIS HANDS IS A MEGABLASTER WATERCANNON.

CROSSING TO RADIO, HE TUNES IT TO ANOTHER STATION. RACEY'S "SOME GIRLS WILL" COMES ON.

OWEN
Can we make this a happy room?

HE GOES OVER TO THE KITCHEN WINDOW AND OPENS IT. HE BEGINS TAKING AIM. MAYA TURNS THE RADIO OFF.

MAYA
Is that who I think it is?

OWEN
He's bending over and eating the variegated grass...

HE SQUEEZES THE TRIGGER. "MEOW!"

OWEN
I've never seen a cat jump so high...

HE TURNS TO MAYA, GRINNING.

MAYA
I'm not sure what it's done to you.

OWEN
He's a devil in a fur coat.

MAYA
You haven't forgotten have you?

OWEN
Nope. That's why I'm getting my revenge in first.

MAYA
Dear old Mrs Gilchreest will be dropping him off later. It's just for a couple of days.

OWEN
I mean, who calls a cat "Barabbus"?

OWEN TAKES AIM AGAIN.

MAYA
Is he back?

OWEN
I'll give him his due, he's like Robert the Bruce's spider, he is.

"MEOW!!"

MAYA
Ah - yes...your allergy.

OWEN
I mean, why would you agree to look after him?

MAYA
I forgot that cats give bring you out in a rash.

OWEN
If I get within ten feet of a moggy, my skin begins to blister and turn I purple.

MAYA
That's right, I remember now - you looked like a fat raspberry.

HE REACTS SLIGHTLY.

CUT TO:

INT. ZENIA'S BEDROOM.

LOTS OF SOFT TOYS AND PINK THINGS. ZENIA FOTHERSGILL IS ABOUT TEN-YEARS OLD. SHE HAS FRIZZY BLONDE HAIR IN BUNCHES AND WEARS LITTLE ROUND SPECTACLES.

SHE SITS AT HER PINK BARBIE DRESSER. SHE HAS STACKS OF ONE POUND COINS IN FRONT OF HER AND IS COUNTING THEM.

ZENIA
THREE-HUNDRED-AND-THIRTY-FIVE...THREE-HUNDRED-AND-THIRTY-SIX...

MAYA SWINGS OPEN THE DOOR.

MAYA
Five minutes, okay?

ZENIA
Mother? How many more of these do I need for a pony?

MAYA
Ooh, I don't know really...

ZENIA
Just hit me with a ballpark figure.

MAYA
Um. Maybe a quarter of the way there.

ZENIA CONSIDERS THIS.

ZENIA
That's a leg saved, then.

MAYA EXITS. ZENIA, THINKING OUT LOUD:

ZENIA
Hmm...but do I earn the other three legs...?

CUT TO:

INT. T.V. ROOM.

SHOTS OF KIDS LAYING ROUND IN EVERY STRANGE POSITION IMAGINABLE.

MILTON LIGHTFOOT, A NEW-AGE TRAVELLER BOY OF ABOUT TWELVE, SITS WITH DOUGHNUT GLOVER, A CONSIDERABLY-SIZED BOY WHO IS SLURPING ON A CANTALOUPE. THEY ARE WATCHING A MOVIE.

MILTON POINTS AT THE SCREEN.

MILTON
This guy is the dumbest cop ever...

DOUGHNUT
Bellhop done it.

MILTON
The bellhop? The bellhop's alibi was watertight. Cast iron. The bully did it.

DOUGHNUT
My learned friend, you are missing a vital point...

MILTON
I've just gotta hear this. And...?

DOUGHNUT
I've seen the movie before.

A THOUGHT TAKES MILTON.

MILTON
Any news on your bully?

DOUGHNUT
McCracken? He still hasn't let up.

MILTON
Has he goofy-slapped you again lately?

DOUGHNUT
No, he's turned it up a notch.

MILTON
Really?

DOUGHNUT
It's nuclear wedgies now.

MILTON
Wow.

DOUGHNUT
He caught me in the school toilet, yesterday.

MILTON
He did? What did you say to him, did you tell him to stop?

DOUGHNUT
I couldn't.

MILTON
Why not?

DOUGHNUT
Because my head was down the pan.

MILTON PUTS HIS ARM AROUND DOUGHNUT'S SHOULDER.

MILTON
My friend, we're going to come up with an anti-bullying strategy.

CUT TO:

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I shouldn't have posted the other bit because without the setup it's difficult to understand.

In the main story the lady passes over and Owen is lumbered with the cat. The final plot point will involve the cat having kittens. It was a female.

SCENE 1

Not funny sorry. This is two very ordinary people in an ordinary situation, couples like diferent music, people squirt cats with water pistols.

Doesnt work. I'd ask your self how would the scene be diferent if it was Basil and Sybil for example/

SCENE2

Not bad actually, quite cute the kid being so cold blooded about money for her pony. Maybe finish on a line, like how am I going to get the other 3 legs, do I need 4 legs/

SCENE 3

Bit slow but the final punchline is good. But most of the lines getting there don't do much.

Over all you need to do 2 things.

1 Right some bloody characters, currently yours are a bunch of life less, waxworks about whom I care less than I care about the Lib dems

2 Get them to relate to each other. Currently they are about as closely interracting as a carrot and the Dog star gallaxy.

As long as you have no character and no relationship you have no sitcom.

Hi Paul,

I wrote this on another thread about creating characters. I have personally found this technique really helpful.

I would recommend two things:

Read "How to Write Comedy Characters" by Paul Milhern (available on the Kindle)

The best character creation process I have found is the one created by John Vorhaus. Each character should have the following:

Exaggeration: "worst boss in the world" (Brent) "stupidest servant in London" (Baldrick).

Flaw: What's wrong with them?

Humanity: Why do we forgive them for their flaw?

Gross Comic Perspective: How do they see the world, and how is that funny?

Want: What do they want more than anything else?

Objective Viewpoint: How do we see them, and how is that different to how they see themselves?

Need: What do they really need? (the answer to this is usually "to like themselves and be accepted by others")

Quote: Jennie @ August 10 2013, 4:37 PM BST

Hi Paul,

I wrote this on another thread about creating characters. I have personally found this technique really helpful.

View original

Ive read all those books Jennie. I've been studying for quite a bit now. I break comedies down and find all the plot points.

I'm afraid it's probably just style. I read a bit of your stuff, and sooty's stuff, and you do find some nice lines but I found yours and his stuff not my style either. I found it too fast and frantic.

Different strokes and all that.

Well Paul I took the time to read your script, analyse and over some advice.

Which you reject

No problem

I believe there are estimated to be 27 undiscovered tribes of humans on earth. Might I reccomend investing in a compass and a canoe and see if you can find one that is amused by your drab dialogue and absence of hu our

And in the like.y event that fails.

Why not try amusing the primitive single cell fungi of Mars. They may find a man liking the sweet and his wife not, hilarious.

Quote: sootyj @ August 10 2013, 5:07 PM BST

Well Paul I took the time to read your script, analyse and over some advice.

Which you reject

No problem

I believe there are estimated to be 27 undiscovered tribes of humans on earth. Might I reccomend investing in a compass and a canoe and see if you can find one that is amused by your drab dialogue and absence of hu our

And in the like.y event that fails.

Why not try amusing the primitive single cell fungi of Mars. They may find a man liking the sweet and his wife not, hilarious.

View original

I don't reject your advice. It's just that read your stuff and some of Jennies. It didn't grab me and I've studied a lot of comedy.

So there.

No problem I suppose I was still trying to draw attention to some areas you could really improve

Because being honest it just don't work

Quote: sootyj @ August 10 2013, 5:15 PM BST

No problem I suppose I was still trying to draw attention to some areas you could really improve

Because being honest it just don't work

View original

Everyone can improve, of course. That was just a first draft. It needs more. But, as I've said, Ive read a lot stuff and know how to build a story. I'm not looking for gags in it either, just quirky dialogue. I want to build to my situations.

Anyway, thanks for the advice.

No its fundamentally flawed its a dead parrot and once you tie those lifeless scenes together it'll be worse

Every minute you invest in it is wasted, I mean if you planning on killing someone then I suppose its a useful distraction.

Its also lousy netiquette to ask for feedback and make it abundantly clear you're not even prepared to listen, but rather pick holes in your critics.

But still like I say at least you didn't kill anyone, you haven't have you?

Quote: paul ivey @ August 10 2013, 5:12 PM BST

It didn't grab me and I've studied a lot of comedy.

View original

Are these two statements supposed to be connected?

I know that you think my advice worthless because you don't like my writing, but I was in a very similar position to you.

I have also studied a lot of comedy. In fact, I spent two years reading everything I could on sitcom, screenwriting, story structure, everything. I did that for two reasons:

1) It is the only way I have ever known to work. I learnt from an early age that to know about something, you must read about it.

2) I was terrified of failing at writing and wanted to put off the actual act of writing for as long as possible.

I started writing in Feb 2013. This was the first creative writing I had done since I was 16, 13 years ago. The truth is, I have learnt so much more about writing in 6 months than in the entire two years I was simply studying.

This is a craft. It must be practiced to be improved.

Reading is one thing - applying it quite another.

Quote: paul ivey @ August 10 2013, 5:23 PM BST

. I'm not looking for gags in it either, just quirky dialogue.

View original

Then you are not writing a sitcom.

Sitcoms have gags, jokes, funny moments.

Difference Jennie is your early crafts were instinctively funny, with situation, lines and character.

This is just drab filler, it does nothing but take up space in the universe. Like the black space between stars or the mayonnaise in £1 sandwiches that newsagents sell.

Quote: Jennie @ August 10 2013, 5:51 PM BST

Are these two statements supposed to be connected?

I know that you think my advice worthless because you don't like my writing, but I was in a very similar position to you.

I have also studied a lot of comedy. In fact, I spent two years reading everything I could on sitcom, screenwriting, story structure, everything. I did that for two reasons:

1) It is the only way I have ever known to work. I learnt from an early age that to know about something, you must read about it.

2) I was terrified of failing at writing and wanted to put off the actual act of writing for as long as possible.

I started writing in Feb 2013. This was the first creative writing I had done since I was 16, 13 years ago. The truth is, I have learnt so much more about writing in the 6 months I have been doing it than in the entire two years I was simply studying.

This is a craft. It must be practiced to be improved.

Reading is one thing - applying it quite another.

Then you are not writing a sitcom.

Sitcoms have gags, jokes, funny moments.

View original

Seinfeld has no gags. They're just loafing, mostly, shooting the breeze. The plot lines are very fine but clear. Don't worry, I certainly don't consider myseld Larry David. Now that would be funny.

I went to the louvre , there was no art.

Some silly sod had doodled on the walls with oil paints though.

Quote: paul ivey @ August 10 2013, 5:56 PM BST

Seinfeld has no gags. They're just loafing, mostly, shooting the breeze.

View original

Yes it does.

By "gags", I mean "funny bits".

Seinfeld is funny.

I differ from Sooty, I think you have a perfectly sound idea and should keep going with it. But I think it needs a lot of work. You don't have to listen to me, or indeed anyone else, but please don't close your mind to the suggestions you receive.

Good luck with it

Quote: sootyj @ August 10 2013, 5:52 PM BST

Difference Jennie is your early crafts were instinctively funny, with situation, lines and character.

View original

The first thing that grated with me is the Americanisms: 'hives', 'ballpark', 'bellhop'. Unless your script is set in America these actually undermine characterisation as well as irritate.

I'm in the school of thought that believes you shouldn't provide too many directions. Is it really necessary to state that the setting is an Edwardian town house? Until the water pistol comes in I thought it was a period piece.

Also is it really necessary to state that he has 'the remains of a Yorkshire accent' (whatever that is)? This might help you visualise the character but is no help to a reader and nothing about accent should be mentioned until a character speaks.

The 'nuclear wedgie', head down the toilet stuff is funny and the saving up for a pony story line is good. I agree with Sooty that you need to put more work in on the characters.

Everyone on this forum is a c**t - including me. Don't waste any time looking at their stuff and running it down - put all your energy into improving your own script.