Tigerfeet, my sitcom, first draft

Just thought I'd give you a few lines of my first draft. I'll try and set it up so you get the drift of what I'm writing about:

Childrens' Home manager Owen Fothersgill is a man in his fifties, is infatuated by all things from the 1970s. Chopper bikes, spacehoppers, clacker balls - and all things to do with the music from that time, especially "MUD", the pop band.

Milton Lightfoot, a new-age traveler boy of about twelve, is in Fothergill's office to be told off. Milton asks Fothersgill about the framed photos on the wall.

The above won't appear in the script but will gradually threaded in
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FOTHERSGILL SMILES WARMLY AT GREAT TIMES.

Fothersgill: See that one there?

Milton: Yep.

Milton: That's "the ledge" himself, the great Les Gray of MUD.

MILTON SHAKES HIS HEAD IN A "NEVER HEARD OF HIM" KIND OF WAY.

Fothersgill: No finer sight than Les in his pomp.

Milton: Nope...

Fothersgill: Les was Carshalton's finest ever Elvis impersonator.

Milton: Who's Elvis?

FOTHERSGILL REACTS SLIGHTLY BUT TROOPERS ON.

Fothersgill: Les could out-Elvis Elvis could Les.

FOTHERGILL STANDS AND MOVES TOWARD A RADIO/ CD PLAYER ON A CABINET TO HIS RIGHT.

Fothersgill: Tell you what, lad, let's put some MUD on now and we'll sit and listen. proper music, lad.

A LOOK OF ALARM CROSSES MILTON'S FACE.

CUT TO:

Okay, that's a sample of my first draft stuff.

another nice bit from this scene is:

Fothersgill: You were being illegally home-educated, lad. That's why you were put in this Home.

Milton: I'd never even slept in a house before...

Fothersgill: You're lucky, lad. You now have the opportunity for a proper education. Did you hear that? A PROPER education!

Milton: It's just that I feel subjugated...

FOTHERSGILL LOOKS STUMPED. HE COVERTLY GOOGLES THE WORD.

Anyway, that's just a sample. As I said. It's rough. I do like the Les Gray/Elvis line. It nearly reads the same backwards, too.

The dialogue needs a little work, cutting back and sharpening somewhat. Does anyone think I have any promise at all? Feel free to be honest with me.

Right the bit you put up is way to nervous, too over explained and too stuck into stuff that aint funny so not good.

BUT

the illegally home educated stuff etc sounds great and I really want to see that.

Sounds like some great lines.

So maybe turn down the 70s reference down and slip them.

Hi. The bit where I explain at the beginning would not appear in the script. I wrote that so you guys would understand the set up.

But thanks for responding.

In the real script this scene would begin Milton asking about the photos on the wall, then:

FOTHERSGILL SMILES WARMLY AT GREAT TIMES.

Please don't think the expo at the top would appear.

Well first of ditch that, you should be confident people know whats going on, in that respect your directions are clear.

I mean it needs to slide in subtely. I dunno have them talk about Milton loses his shoes in a field, and Fothergill sadly says how he aways wished he could have been in mud.

Just to let you know Sooty that what I've written is not expo. I haven't even dropped a plot strand in there. This was just a bit of 'business'.
My story is actually about a cat.

Ok then to me it's a not especially engaging discussion about 1970s glamrock.

I'd be interested to see what you're actually writing.

I have a total of six characters in my story. Fothersgill is just one of them. Fothersgill is married to Maya, a woman from a middle class background, who gave up a career in medicine to marry Yorkshireman Owen Fothersgill. She craves respect and social standing. But she can never have it with him. He's a man of simple tastes, who will keep dragging her down and embarrassing her.

Having a guy who is back in time is fair enough isn't it?

Paul nicely you're giving me reams of character info I have no interest in.

I want to read your writing, not your writing about writing.

If I go to a chippy, I don't want to know what school the fish went to.
I want to know its fried and comes with chips.

Hi Paul,

It is very difficult to judge from a small extract. Humour in sitcom arises from the characters and plot. As I don't have a feel for either, I can't tell if it's funny or not.

Try posting a larger section in critique.

And as Sooty says, show me your characters in your script.

She'll be playing Mozart and he'll be tuning the radio to a 70s station.

That's where I can rub the two characters together for some fun.

Well, I look forward to seeing more then

Wrong forum, thread moved.

I liked the title straight away so it made me read it.Too short and not enough to get your teeth into.It's a good premise , in my opinion ,but I think the main character's too old unless you're thinking Neil Morrisey or Clunes . A younger guy who's become obsessed by the decade that taste forgot for some reason ie. he's a comedy oddball, could be more interesting.Then again, you're maybe right with the 50 something guy.Put more up for further reading.

I think the 70s have been done to death - Life on Mars, for example. But as it's only a subplot in a sitcom set in a children's home, you could easily downplay its importance, or find it's not necessary at all.

Quote: Jaicee @ August 9 2013, 6:57 PM BST

I liked the title straight away so it made me read it.Too short and not enough to get your teeth into.It's a good premise , in my opinion ,but I think the main character's too old unless you're thinking Neil Morrisey or Clunes . A younger guy who's become obsessed by the decade that taste forgot for some reason ie. he's a comedy oddball, could be more interesting.Then again, you're maybe right with the 50 something guy.Put more up for further reading.

View original

It's difficult to understand from such a short sample. It's actually a gangshow and the idea of this scene was delineating the two characters as quickly as possible. Comedy comes from character and good characters have an obssession.

The two things I wanted to point out were: Milton is an intelligent, middle class boy and very well educated. Better educated than Fothersgill. A lot of my 'business' will be Fothersgill offering advice to a boy clearly brighter than himslf.

I wasn't going to have Fothersgill walking around continually making references to the 70s. He'll maybe do it twice an episode. Pilots are difficult to write because you have a lot to setup, hence this scene.

I hope people understand.

Btw, Milton noticing the photos on the wall is known as an "inciting" point and is good way of bringing up a subject. If you read Seinfeld, Jerry will pick up a video or something, or be watching TV with Elaine, they see a programme with naked people - and this will bring up the topic: should they have sex.

Just my way of writing stuff.