Comedy Sketch, would love Feedback

Hi Everyone,
This is my first time posting on here so I hope I do everything correctly,
I've wrote a sketch and I'd love to hear what everyone thinks of it,
Thanks
Tony

THE ENDEAVORS OF MAN BY TONY WATSON
Setting: we are 400 years in the future, we have now expanded from just living on earth to living on many planets, we are not alone and humans and other aliens mix, our sketch takes place in a local bar on earth.

INT. MODERN BUT COMFORTABLE BAR. EVENING
Harold the Bar Owner is stood at the bar as the door opens and Ricky a self confessed but very deluded ladies man and regular customer walks in and sits at the bar.

RICKY:
Evening Harold, bit quiet in here tonight, I was hoping there might be a few ladies in here like last night.

HAROLD THE BAR OWNER:
I think you scared them all off yesterday Ricky, how did it go with that nice blonde last night?

RICKY:
A gentleman never tells Harold you know that, and can I have a Pint of Lager please.

HAROLD:
A gentleman never tells, Ha! she turned you down more like.
Ricky looks upset and says in a slightly embarrassed voice.

RICKY:
No, No, well, yes,

Just then the bar opens and another two regulars walk in, Billy a quiet man who likes to listen to others talking, and Tom a Shy but good-looking man unable to find love.

RICKY:
Hello Billy, Hello Tom, how are you?

TOM:
I'm Depressed, So I thought I'd come and have a beer, cheer myself up.

HAROLD:
Now come on Tom, You know beer is not the answer, no one ever found the solution to their problems at the bottom of a beer glass you know!

PAUSE

HAROLD:
Well apart from that time I was looking for a Drinks Coaster, but that's besides the point.

TOM:
I just feel my glass is always half empty

RICKY:
Well don't drink so fast

HAROLD:
Or just drink half's, order two, when you've drunk one order another, that way you will never have a half empty glass again.

TOM:
Ha, HA! You know what I mean, All I want is to find a nice girl, an earth girl this time! before you butt in Ricky with another of your great suggestions.

RICKY:
Hay, Just because you messed up, don't blame me, there nothing wrong with www.get-a-cheap-wife.mars, it's one of the better dating sites on the universe wide web. not my fault if you didn't know GSOH stood for Genetically Sexchanged Older Humanoid!

TOM:
Well what's wrong with the old fashioned way, you know, like people used to do in the old days before all this computer dating became the norm, I mean what's wrong with just going to a bar, saying hello to a nice girl, She thinks your lovely, you think she's lovely, you listening to her, find out you have so much in common and falling in love, is that too much to ask?

HAROLD:
I think that's a great idea Tom, I found my wife when I was in this very bar.

TOM:
Really?

HAROLD:
Yes, it was a quiet night and I was bored, so I sat at the bar and went on www.get-a-cheep-wife.mars and there she was, the woman of my dreams, even to this day I still find her out of this world.

RICKY:
Isn't that because you have to travel to Mars to see her?

TOM:
Your all missing the point

BILLY: (With a sad voice)
My brother moved to Mars

HAROLD:
Did he?

BILLY:
Yes, it's quiet a sad story, we actually fell out over it, we had an argument about him wanting to move to Mars and become a Mime artist.

HAROLD:
What happened?

BILLY:
I told him if he was going to waist his life being a mime, I never wanted to hear from him again.

The Bar Door Opens and a beautiful blonde walks into the bar and takes a seat between Tom and Ricky.

RICKY:
Hello, nice to see you again, Michelle isn't it?

MICHELLE:
Oh, it's you again.

RICKY:
No need to be like that, only saying hello,

MICHELLE:
Look I told you last nice, I'm not interested please stop bugging me.

RICKY:
I thought we had a nice time last night?

MICHELLE:
Look, if you were the last man left in the whole universe and my only options were to go out with you or marry a 3 eyed half breed from the planet Zark named Zakaroo, Zakaroo would be very happy right now, got it?

Ricky looks confused

RICKY:
No, what you trying to say?

Michelle turns away from Ricky in disgust and finds herself facing Tom.

TOM:
You're Lovely

MICHELLE:
Thank you, you seem lovely to.

TOM:
I'm a bit shy,

MICHELLE:
Well it's nice to meet you, can I buy you a drink, your glass looks half empty?

Tom smiles.

TOM:
Thank you, I'd love to have a drink with you, but I think you will find, my glass is half full now!

Hi Tony.

Have a look in the Writers' Opportunities forum and you'll see a post about a new BBC Wireless Programme called 2525. If that interests you, I think you'd need to make this tighter and punchier for it to stand a chance of being accepted, but your head's already in the right place (what's 100 years?).

Hope that helps.

Hi Stonked,
Thanks for that, I looked at the 2525 this morning andthat's looks very interesting, might as well give it a try.

I'll be honest, I'm brand new to this type of thing and have no writing background at all, so making it "tighter and punchier" might be a big challenge as I'm not even sure how I could do that! (or even what it means!) but thank you for you help. I think this forum could be a great place to learn a lot.
Thanks
Tony

P.s. I've read on the info section that some writers don't like it if people rewrite their work, can I just make it clear that I'm not one of them! I'm hopping this site will help me learn what I'm doing wrong and possibly highlight if I get something right, If any of you read my Scripts and think you have a way of making it better I would welcome the input and the way I see it is I can compare my work with your rewrite and learn a thing or two, so please feel free to rewrite away on my posts, the more the merrier!
Thanks
Tony

Anyone know what I do if no one comments on my work?
(Other than not quitting my day job!!!)

Nothing happens and the jokes are poor and too far apart.

It is too verbose - often saying the same thing twice in the same sentence.

Although it's supposed to be futuristic nothing gives that impression. It's just a few people in a bar.

You don't need to describe the characters in a sketch. We should be able to tell what they are like from their dialogue.

It's the oldest rule: show not tell.

Keep going mate, we all write tripe that we think is fantastic

Thank you, glad someone had something to say about it,
:-)

Hi Tony,

Well done for taking the plunge and posting here. It's always scary.

There are a few points I could make, but I think the main one would be to work out what the purpose of your sketch is.

What is it you are trying to show? How is that funny?

Once you have worked out a purpose for your scene, you can make sure every single line is building to that point.

I would also suggest you watch the "on the nose" dialogue - you characters are telling us exactly what they are thinking and feeling at any given moment. Try and introduce some subtext.

Good luck

Tony, I agree with quite a few of the specific comments other people have made. It also needs a spell checker for presentation.

What I like about it is that the dialogue seems natural. You have definitely caught the way people speak.

I've read it a couple of times now and believe that the pace if it was acted out would be much faster than it appears on the page. That's a plus.

The other thing I tried to factor in is that there's probably a distinct visual element to it. After all, it's not set in the world as we know it. There's potentially more humour there.

But my instinct is that your stronger skills are in down to earth writing. I'm not sure that you need aliens or whatever in the next thing that you do - but obviously that's for you to decide.

Good luck - and keep it moving!

Wow, thank you both for your input and encouragement, thank you Horserdish, I've come across your name a few times and you clearly know your stuff so thank you for sharing it. Jennie I read your sit com so I know you know what your talking about, however I was trying to make the conversation as natural as possible, I know you stated you wrote your sit com about Law becausethat's what you know, so I guess I could say I wrote about what I know, as sitting in bars chatting is what I know most about and from my experience people in bars don't really have a lot of sub text, but there can be some very funny moments, so I was hopping to emulate that. I set it in the Future just to be different, I intentionally tried not to make the people that much different from today because I wanted it to show that even 400 years from now with new technology and a vast universe to choose from its still most peoples strongest desire just to find someone and fall in love, and that the way we go about this is both funny and embarrassing at times. anyway, I'll try think of my next idea, it may be very similar to this one but modern day, and see what people think of that.
Once again to everyone for taking the time to read and comment on it for me, I can't thank you enough.
Tony

Butterscotch!

Its too long and wordy and it isn't funny. Sketches shokd be more like tiny stories with character's, jokes and a punchline, so think what are you actually trying to say. Lose all the superfluous words etc.

Its too long and wordy and it isn't funny. Sketches shokd be more like tiny stories with character's, jokes and a punchline, so think what are you actually trying to say. Lose all the superfluous words etc.

Quote: sootyj @ August 9 2013, 6:07 AM BST

Its too long and wordy and it isn't funny. Sketches shokd be more like tiny stories with character's, jokes and a punchline, so think what are you actually trying to say. Lose all the superfluous words etc.

View original

Thank you Sootyj,

Whilst I get what your saying, its set in a bar, people don't talk in sound bites they have conversations, I wanted a sketch that had a natural feel to it.

Also if everyone writes the same way, why would we need different writers?

I've read it over again today and I think it's just about the best peice of work on here! but thanks for your input

Now ask your self a simple question.

"Why does the BBC pay millions to produce sitcoms, when it could just install cameras in bars?"

The answer to that question will hopefully show you the way to being a better writer.

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 8 2013, 8:51 PM BST

I know you stated you wrote your sit com about Law becausethat's what you know, so I guess I could say I wrote about what I know, as sitting in bars chatting is what I know most about and from my experience people in bars don't really have a lot of sub text.

View original

Every human being using subtext. Every single one. We hide our true meaning, we dissemble, we talk around the subject. We obey social conventions and seek to please others. We shy away from our own insecurities and protect ourselves.

From the very first moment we are taught to say 'may I have the ball?' rather than 'want ball!' we are talking in subtext.

Humour is often found in the rare moment someone actually speaks the plain truth. But it is the exception, not the rule.

Are you writing a sitcom or a sketch, Tony? You say it is a sketch, but it reads very much like a sitcom to me.

Quote: FunyHaHA Not Funy Strange @ August 9 2013, 2:38 PM BST

I've read it over again today and I think it's just about the best peice of work on here!

View original

There is nothing wrong with being satisfied with your work. But you and I are beginners, and a little humility goes a long way. Never be completely satisfied, always strive to get better, always be open to learning, never stop improving.